I found out my wife and my best friend had a physical relationship before we got married, I don't know how to react

I understand why the secrecy would hurt. But I can see it from their sides. Her upset and wanting someone to console her, him being an 18 year old and you actually having broken up. When would have been a good time to tell you? So I can see how they just didn’t, it wasn’t important.

I would also add that my abusive ex husband suffered terribly with what I think is called retroactive jealousy, and although we were together 17 years he would still from time to time be upset that I wasn’t a virgin when we met and want me to make him feel better. After all that time I could barely even remember being with someone else! It was exhausting. If you’re going to be like my advice to her would be to leave, in all honesty.

You are coming across as slightly selfish to be honest. I really do understand why you’d feel hurt, embarrassed even, but they didn’t do anything wrong they just chose that this wasn’t something they’d broadcast, and then however many years later he decided he’s changed his mind. I don’t know why he saw the need to tell you now though.

You better file for divorce then. You sound immature and self-centred, it’s all about you. Sounds like they would be well shot of you

I would be shocked too. It would be one thing if it was before you ever knew each other - but in a brief break? Jesus.

Why did your friend feel the need to tell you?

Sorry I misread. Your wife makes a valid point in that when she is single who she dates is not your business.

I would be shocked but as there was no cheating and it was 26 years ago I would move on….eventually. I don’t like her comment about “I did not tell you as I did not want to lose you”. That kind of entitlement is never ok.

You’re not overreacting at all, a lot of people are missing the point, it’s not that they had a relationship, it’s that they’ve held it a secret from you for 26 years.

I bet they hardly ever think about it though. I can understand why they wouldn’t have told you at the time and then time just passed. Hopefully you just need a bit of time and space and it will settle in your mind.

I think this is harsh.
I doubt very few people could get past this in reality.

There are some things that simply cannot be reasoned away.
This is one of them.

It's probably best that the Gordion knot is just cut and he just gets a divorce.

And while this would certainly not apply if the genders of all three people were flipped, a paternity test.

They're liars by omission at least, and possibly just outright liars.

I say this gently and kindly.

What a ridiculous reason to break up with someone, then she was single and your best friend was a bit of an ass listening to how you felt and then sleeping with her. But they were 18. You were all 18. And as for being sexually attracted to each other and now you know that etc. they were 18. A guy I went out with when I was 18 is on my Facebook and he popped up the other day and I just thought “what WAS I thinking?”.

I get that you feel foolish, and like they may have been laughing at you but it’s more likely they ended up in bed, a couple of times, because well, you’re not that picky at that age are you with people you know/trust. And then decided enough. You need to decide how much of a deal this is.

As for one of your kids not being yours I think you need to breathe, step back and calm down.

Couples' therapist here. It's normal and healthy for partners to keep secrets in a marriage, and you have no right to demand access to your wife's apart from those such as significant debt or similar. We remain autonomous beings even in relationships. What we strive for in couples' therapy is closeness within autonomy. 'A no-secrets marriage' sounds dangerously like someone trying to control the other and says something about the insecurities of one or both partners. Same thing with the repeated use of the word trust.

I have a lot of sympathy for your plight and I hold an almost identical secret in my close friendship group. It has not come out in 35 years and I doubt any of us think about it much anymore. In your situation, the only person in the wrong was your friend for telling you in a bid to ease his conscience (not that he has anything to feel guilty about, in my view). He should have done the noble thing and considered your feelings before his own needs and lived with whatever pain he felt about keeping this secret from his best friend.

Your wife is blameless: her past sexual affairs are none of your business no matter whom they were with, and she was never obliged to tell you. It was her secret to keep and she did so.

This is just a very regrettable situation that has left you feeling humiliated and jealous, perhaps. I wonder if you can imagine the predicament they were in: the only 'good' time to have told you was right when you and your now wife got back together decades ago. After that moment passed, there would never have been a good time, as you realise now. It was better off remaining a secret.

Find an individual therapist and work through these feelings before you throw anything away. I wish you all the best.

You need to get a grip

They were friends first. She obviously leaned on him when you dumped her, it crossed a line for a few months which they then stopped and managed to carry on being close friends. Your wife obviously loved you enough to take you back after you broke her heart and you have been happy since. If she wanted the other guy she would have stayed with him.
I get you have had a shock but you are blowing it out of proportion now. No one cheated and it’s none of your business really.

Not really the same though. My best friend dated the father of my child very briefly before me and it didn’t bother me at all. But to not know about it, and was clearly more than a snog, would be a horrible feeling and I would feel a bit sad to find it out!

..another reason why you should get over yourself, and be grown up about it, is that there was never going to be a good time to tell you … whether now, 20 years ago, or 20 years from now - and had he never told you, you would be having a meltdown about dishonesty and trust even more. Do yourself a favour, and stop feeling sorry for yourself when you have everything to be grateful for.

You can’t help how you feel. However, imo this was not something you needed to know so I have no idea why your friend decided to tell you how. Consequences of him doing so are now in your hands - is this really worth the end of an almost 3 decade marriage?

I think you’re being really silly. It was a shock to you, I get that but you said yourself that your wife has never given any indication that she’s cheated since you got back together. Presumably your friend has never given any indication of being inappropriate towards your wife.

You’ve built a life with these people around you and you’re going to throw it all away on a fleeting meaningless 3 month relationship that happened between them almost 30 years ago whilst you and your now wife were broken up? Really? I think you need a reality check.

The only thing I’d be questioning was why your friend told you now? Is there an agenda there? Does his wife know? If so what does she think?

It's an entirely valid reason to divorce.

Things certainly can't continue as they are.
He can't be friends with this guy any more nor can he see his wife in the same way any more.

They're liars. Simple as that. They've lied by omission and have been likely having an affair throughout . Paternity tests recommended.

(As an aside, this passing people around in 'friendship groups' makes my skin crawl. Yuk.)

Very few people could get past this.
It's nothing to do with him being a man, as a woman, I'd be the same as him.
It's sick.

As if any female poster here could get past her dh sleeping with her best friend. On a 'break' or not.
No way could they and nor could I.

It's not a secret if the topic never came up. Assuming you've never asked either of them if they ever had sex together, it could happen if you're the type of people who require a list of previous sexual activity from one another. Personally, I find that weird and damaging, but some couples do it.

So did that happen? Otherwise, how do you feel this 'secret' should have been revealed? "Remember you've got the dentist tomorrow, and I slept with Geoff in 1997."?

Does your wife know absolutely everything about you, like how often you masturbate and that time you forgot to pay for the drinks when you were out with Geoff?

This is OTT

No. It really is not.

Not everybody is cool with this sort of thing.

As if any woman here would be be OK with her best friend and her dh shagging at any point, even if they'd split up, it's just not reality.

You must realise that this has nothing to do with the OP's situation.

Actually when women post about having an affair with a married man, MN consensus is usually to not to tell his wife, because it will ruin the wife’s life.

In this case, people are also saying it’s better to have kept quiet, especially as it was a 2 month teen fling when they were both 18 and single.

So there is no difference. It’s not about being cool, it’s about being practical.

You have led a very, very, sheltered life.

Perhaps op will return to explain that best friend fessed up now, because he and op’s wife want to open up their marriages and be poly. In fact, they are breaking it to op by degree that he has been in a polycule all these years.

Try marital therapy/counselling before doing anything. Divorce is a horrible experience and terrible for the children. It is ezceedingly painful and all your happy memories of everything are gone. 20 years wasted. If you still want a divorce after that so be it.
Im totally scarred by divorce.

1000% an AI generated post and guaranteed there will be no follow up. American AI BS.

I'm really surprised at all the posters saying they would just be ok with this immediately. Finding out something like this is very destabilising. It will take time to work through, as you view your life through this different lens. If you can, try get a therapist to help you process this in a healthy way, try to mitigate blowing up your life and sense of self.

No. Far from it. Indeed this is why I know it can't be got past.
It's not happened to me but people close to me.

On this subject, I actually think it is those who have had sheltered lives that think it can be got past. It really can't.
Those who've experienced more unpleasantness now it cannot be.
It's just the way it is.