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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd, boyfriend and flat purchase

137 replies

cupfinalchaos · 28/08/2026 17:42

Dd has been renting with her boyfriend. She has told me they have discussed getting engaged next year. Out of the blue he was bought a beautiful flat in London by his family, and wants dd to move there with him. She would be paying rent for a finite period of time to cover certain costs.

My AIBU is that I feel if they plan to get engaged shortly, surely they should be buying together? We would have helped with a small deposit and dd earns as much as he does, if not more. I’m delighted for her boyfriend who I love, but also want DD to get onto the property ladder.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 28/08/2026 17:45

So let’s look at this

they aren’t married
they aren’t engaged

they’ve just talked about getting engaged.

no, they don’t need to buy together

MonkeyMaze101 · 28/08/2026 17:47

YABU to get involved. They aren't engaged, they aren't married. There is no mortgage so no reason fir her to have any ownership now.

Maybe if their relationship progresses they could work out a % share (so the longer they are together the more equity she earns essentially).

I'd be pretty miffed if I bought a flat for my child just to think he gave half away to a girlfriend.

Original poster
cupfinalchaos · 28/08/2026 17:47

Ok… thank you

OP posts:
FlerpOfDoom · 28/08/2026 17:48

She gets cheap rent into London, they aren’t engaged or married. I lived in DH’s flat and gave him half the mortgage, it was 1/4 of the cost of rent and it saved me loads of money.

Even if I’d have left him after 6 months I’d have been better off and he’d have been no worse off. I didn’t demand to own half of his flat

Original poster
cupfinalchaos · 28/08/2026 17:48

MonkeyMaze101 · 28/08/2026 17:47

YABU to get involved. They aren't engaged, they aren't married. There is no mortgage so no reason fir her to have any ownership now.

Maybe if their relationship progresses they could work out a % share (so the longer they are together the more equity she earns essentially).

I'd be pretty miffed if I bought a flat for my child just to think he gave half away to a girlfriend.

I wasn’t suggesting she should have any of his equity! Just disappointed as I’d like her to build her own!

OP posts:
roseymoira · 28/08/2026 17:50

I agree with you, she will be paying him rent? She should just be paying half of the bills. She is missing out as she hasn’t invested in a property.

icouldholditwithacobweb · 28/08/2026 17:50

She has an amazing opportunity to save money now, and either they can buy something else when they're ready or she can buy her own place when she wants. Sounds like a winning situation to me.

Original poster
cupfinalchaos · 28/08/2026 17:50

FlerpOfDoom · 28/08/2026 17:48

She gets cheap rent into London, they aren’t engaged or married. I lived in DH’s flat and gave him half the mortgage, it was 1/4 of the cost of rent and it saved me loads of money.

Even if I’d have left him after 6 months I’d have been better off and he’d have been no worse off. I didn’t demand to own half of his flat

Thank you but if you’d read my post I am not suggesting dd demands equity in his flat😂

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 28/08/2026 17:50

cupfinalchaos · 28/08/2026 17:48

I wasn’t suggesting she should have any of his equity! Just disappointed as I’d like her to build her own!

Show quote history

is she getting a reduced rent, compared to market rates? If so she can afford to put money aside and invest it, potentially even buy her own place if they don’t get married.

she’d definitely in a better position than if she was private renting.

Busybookworm · 28/08/2026 17:50

You say you could offer her ‘a small deposit’ but would that actually be enough for her to be able to afford to buy? London prices are monstrous. If so, had you suggested the idea to her already?

Original poster
cupfinalchaos · 28/08/2026 17:51

roseymoira · 28/08/2026 17:50

I agree with you, she will be paying him rent? She should just be paying half of the bills. She is missing out as she hasn’t invested in a property.

Exactly- this is my worry.

OP posts:
JaninefromEastenders · 28/08/2026 17:52

cupfinalchaos · 28/08/2026 17:48

I wasn’t suggesting she should have any of his equity! Just disappointed as I’d like her to build her own!

Show quote history

She still can buy a home, but not with a boyfriend she's not even ready to get engaged to this year, and vice versa. Suppose they split up before that? Not that getting married is necessary for buying together, but having a serious intention to stay together long term, is, and these two aren't sure yet.

FirmSnake · 28/08/2026 17:52

cupfinalchaos · 28/08/2026 17:48

I wasn’t suggesting she should have any of his equity! Just disappointed as I’d like her to build her own!

Show quote history

And she still can. She was renting anyway, presumably she'll be better off with the new arrangement.

REDB99 · 28/08/2026 17:52

She could still build her own if she wants to, there’s nothing to stop her building her own financial security regardless of potentially living in her boyfriend’s flat. It’s probably worth having a chat with her about how she ensures her own financial security (something all women should do).

Fridaygin · 28/08/2026 17:52

I find it very odd that he bought a flat without having seemingly discussed it with her. How did she not notice it happening? It would make me wonder if he wasn't quite as serious about the relationship as she thinks.

MonkeyMaze101 · 28/08/2026 17:53

cupfinalchaos · 28/08/2026 17:48

I wasn’t suggesting she should have any of his equity! Just disappointed as I’d like her to build her own!

Show quote history

Then she can buy her own?

Original poster
cupfinalchaos · 28/08/2026 17:53

Ironically it’s his family who are saying it will be both their flat if they marry.. not me or dd! I would however have liked her to have to opportunity to get onto the ladder.

OP posts:
JaninefromEastenders · 28/08/2026 17:53

FirmSnake · 28/08/2026 17:52

And she still can. She was renting anyway, presumably she'll be better off with the new arrangement.

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She's still renting in effect, but from someone she loves living with. It's not good long term especially if children are involved, but for a year or two when you're young and not in a position to buy alone, it's fine.

Original poster
cupfinalchaos · 28/08/2026 17:53

MonkeyMaze101 · 28/08/2026 17:53

Then she can buy her own?

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That’s one of the options dh and I are thinking about.. a small buy to let.

OP posts:
JaninefromEastenders · 28/08/2026 17:55

Fridaygin · 28/08/2026 17:52

I find it very odd that he bought a flat without having seemingly discussed it with her. How did she not notice it happening? It would make me wonder if he wasn't quite as serious about the relationship as she thinks.

Edited

I wondered that. Who talks about possibly getting engaged next year? Someone who isn't committed yet, which might be very appropriate if they haven't been together very long and/or are unsure about the future.

JustAnotherWhinger · 28/08/2026 17:55

So one of my DDs is in a similar position as her partner inherited a flat. She pays half of the bills and a small amount toward wear and tear/upkeep of the flat and furniture.
She also saves, as she did when she rented, to build her own pot. She is very strict with herself not to get used to having the extra money that comes with no rent or mortgage in case she needs to rent or get a mortgage in future.

If they go ahead with their plan of marrying then they’ll use DDs pot for an extension and change the flat to 50/50 ownership. They’ve said they want 4/5 years living together first though.

Original poster
cupfinalchaos · 28/08/2026 17:55

Fridaygin · 28/08/2026 17:52

I find it very odd that he bought a flat without having seemingly discussed it with her. How did she not notice it happening? It would make me wonder if he wasn't quite as serious about the relationship as she thinks.

Edited

I’m sorry I wasn’t clear, he did discuss it with her and took her to see lots to find one they were both happy with.

OP posts:
MonkeyMaze101 · 28/08/2026 17:56

cupfinalchaos · 28/08/2026 17:53

That’s one of the options dh and I are thinking about.. a small buy to let.

Show quote history

Do you think maybe you're overly involved though? Whybare you & your DH thinking about it? She sounds quite young... what age is she?

Twoboysandabengal · 28/08/2026 17:56

cupfinalchaos · 28/08/2026 17:42

Dd has been renting with her boyfriend. She has told me they have discussed getting engaged next year. Out of the blue he was bought a beautiful flat in London by his family, and wants dd to move there with him. She would be paying rent for a finite period of time to cover certain costs.

My AIBU is that I feel if they plan to get engaged shortly, surely they should be buying together? We would have helped with a small deposit and dd earns as much as he does, if not more. I’m delighted for her boyfriend who I love, but also want DD to get onto the property ladder.

What kind of ‘man’ expects his partner to pay rent! That’s horrendous

DiscourteousDiana · 28/08/2026 17:56

Well if you want her to be on the property ladder and she wants to be as well, you’re free to help her do so? Or she is free to save and buy her own place?