AIBU? Missed the immediate aftermath of FIL’s death for a work event and now whole family is freezing me out

In my view it depends on what kind of party. Were you getting drunk, dancing on tables or just at a work related event. From all you have written you seem to have done everything you could do to get back. You didnt miss the funeral and in all honesty what could you have done or added. All the comments about how terrible a person you are and you could have gone back are ridiculous. You sound truly sorry. They are frankly being childish if they continue with the silent treatment.

Right, but if you were told he was in intensive care would that have changed anything? OP's wife was calling him throughout the night to say hed been rushed in, then he died in the afternoon. Obviously we are all different but I wpuld hate myself if I hadn't got to a dying parent when I was given the opportunity. If you get a call saying hes passed with zero warning then thats different isnt it? And if you had wanted to dash off when your df passed and wanted your spouse's support, would you expect to get it?

No, I don't accept that. The weight of a loved one's dead, I believe, is the same wherever you are.

You get the news that Jim has died. If doesn't affect you differently because you're in LA with strangers, instead of in Oxford where you and he were based.

"Things" are certainly different when you're away, but grief still hits you. Which is what's missing here.

But it’s not his father, it’s his father in law?

I like my FIL but I’m not going to be overcome by grief when he dies, I will support my DH though.

I don’t think my DH would expect me to fly back from an important business trip straightaway. Once you’ve made a commitment it’s hard to break it.

Overreaction on her part, not unreasonable given how recent it was. OP was the other side of the world not 20 mins down the road - it’s not that easy to get back sometimes.

What is the point of even having a husband if he can't be bothered to answer his phone or fly home in an emergency? Not only has your wife lost her father, she's been confronted with the fact that she's not in a marriage, she's in a part-time living arrangement with someone who will never put her first. No wonder she's angry.

How would it go down if his job was threatened bc he upped and left in the middle of an important (he mentions great sum of money for business) working week away? You can’t just tell your boss you’re not going to be available for your role in a business deal bc someone outside your immediate family is very ill or has even passed away. If they’d fired him, what then?

I can see why his wife and family would be upset, even if it was unreasonable to expect him to return - it’s part of the grieving process. They would have been upset to think that he would have been in the state and frame of mind to attend a major party in LA when someone they assumed he was incredibly close to had just died. They would have taken it as a sign that he wasn’t devastated like they were. But he wasn’t, and many men especially wouldn’t be either in that situation I think.

It’s a general sweeping statement I know but where emotions are involved many men don’t process things in the same way as women do, altho having said that, I’m sure there are many women who would react similarly. They’d be sad but it’s not the same as losing their own parent so there’d be room for them to compartmentalise and still have fun, or at least attend something light-hearted. Perhaps the physical distance helped with this mindset too.

It was possibly very unwise and I’m sure the OP wouldn’t have announced it to his wife forget he choice, but he has been found out through the friend telling her instead. It was perhaps inappropriate but a difficult situation as it was arguably still a work-related event and if he wasn’t actually grieving then he’d be sat in the hotel room or in the bar for the evening instead of the party. But still not actually grieving. It could be argued if he WAS grieving, a party and lots of company would have helped him through a difficult time, but I understand totally that it comes across as just un-feeling towards the gravity of the situation and sombreness the occasion would warrant for most ppl.

The bottom line is it shows the OP wasn’t as affected by the death as his wife and in-laws were. Disappointing and hurtful to them but also understandable from an objective POV.

That's not what it says in the OP...

I would not expect my husband to cancel anything work or social for my fathers death.

Yes for the funeral but my dh is the main breadwinner and that includes social stuff for work too.

Yes it is. He booked "the earliest flight he could", went to the party, she found out, then he "changed his plans again" and got home the following day via a non-direct flight.

Every workplace I have ever worked in allowed immediate compassionate leave for a death in the family. I worked in the City of London alongside people on multimillion pound projects- they still dropped everything for a death in the family.
What is happening here is that men in particular like to think they are indispensible at work and hate being around hospitals and death- therefore they claim they couldn't possibly be spared-nonsense no one is irreplaceable.

You sound completely devoid of emotion. You say you booked a flight as soon as possible but talk more about the important work events. I'm not convinced you did book the earliest flight.
You say you've not been acknowledged but there's no consideration that they're grieving so won't be focused on trying to make you feel welcome.
You say you were close to your FIL too. If you were out at a party I highly doubt your grief is anything in comparison to your wife. You've no right to make this about you.

I don't think OP did anything wrong.

I wouldn't cut an overseas work trip short for FIL's death. I just asked DH whether he'd expect me to, and he looked at me as if I had two heads and said "of course not".

I wouldn't expect DH to cut anything short for my parents' deaths. It wouldn't cross my mind. If there's nothing practical he can do in person then what difference would coming home in a few days as planned make? He can provide the exact same emotional support over the phone as in person.

Every use of the word "partying" on this thread is extremely dramatic and OTT. A work event is not a fun party FFS. Even if there is booze and even if one or two conversations verge on being enjoyable, it is not "partying" in the proper sense.

This is the most bonkers opinion on this thread. My phone is on silent all the time, especially when I'm asleep. What did you people do before mobile phones became universally available? The expectation of instant, 24/7 contact is relatively recent and it's not a healthy one.

Not just grief, but also missing is a desire to support his wife at a terrible time in her life.

Your wife and kids and family needed you and weren’t there. You monumentally fucked up.

This will have repercussions for a long time- you’re going to have to accept that. You’ve broken trust and you’ll have to earn that back.

if my DW had done this I would genuinely be reconsidering why I’m with her.

A good friend very sr in a film company. Was in USA for BIG meetings about funding a new project. Incredibly important. Crucial they were there.
SIL suddenly passed away in the U.K.
Friend told the studio that they were going to have to leave, flew home that night.
Got back to be with the DH and children.
Had to do some video stuff, some calls etc but crucially was at home for her family. had told a STUDIO that they had a family emergency and needed to miss the next in persons meetings, the dinners and the whatever’s.

Were the studio people
pissed? Maybe. Were they surprised? Maybe. Was it the right thing to do? Yes. Did the project get greenlit anyway? Yes.

Sorry OP, but you fucked up but more importantly your DW is still in the early stages of grief so even if she eventually
comes around to your POV - unlikely- now is not the time to expect everyone to be fine that you chose to stay and went to a fucking party to boot.

And yes I do understand that at work things sometimes the lunches, dinners and events are as important as taking the meeting but you should have got your arse back home asap.

No, the funeral isn’t the ‘main event’ when it comes to close family members. Anyone can turn up to a funeral, eat the sandwiches and drink the tea. What matters is being there to hold your DW tight when she’s falling apart, making sure she remembers to eat and drink herself, taking care of any children and pets, speaking with anyone your DW doesn’t want to or is unable to deal with herself because she’s too upset or because the person isn’t high on their list of importance. My DH was pretty useless when my DF
died over 20 years ago and went out with his brother the night we expected him to die. He was there for his funeral but a bit of me hung onto that resentment until recently when my DM died and it really couldn’t have managed without his support.

I would struggle to forgive this.

‘I think they are over reacting, sometimes work is hard to drop just like that’

For the death of a close family member? No, it really isn’t. OP put the ‘needs’ of Bob or Jeff or Susan or whatever the client was called before the needs of his wife & kids. What’s the point of him if not to be there when his family needs it?

Unless you’re a job mid-brain surgery saving a life, you can leave work.

Why? He booked the earliest direct flight home and went to a pre-planned business event. Why would sitting in his hotel room do any good?

Most people turn their phone onto silent at night.

@jooooosh as she couldn't reach your mobile, did she phone the hotel?

Because if I was your wife and desperately needed to get hold of you, I would have phoned the hotel.

I appreciate your wife is grieving but I think she is taking her grief out on you and being really unfair.

She's being stupid. He's already dead. I'll bet she doesn't say no to your wages.

OMG there's something seriously wrong with you! From a previous thread by the OP who was complaining about his wife then, she is an extremely high earner earning more than OP so your mean-spirited post isn't even accurate.

Yes, some people seem to be taking the view that it's okay because it was 'only' the OP's FIL, not his father.

The fact of the matter is that it was his wife who needed him.

I think that's the view that my DH's adult children took when he died: "He's already dead." Like you, they ignored the fact that it's the bereaved person who needs the support.