AIBU? Missed the immediate aftermath of FIL’s death for a work event and now whole family is freezing me out

I wouldn't forgive you

Me especially if I’m away from my children. I don’t care if it’s 2am or 5am if my child rings I’m answering so it will never be on silent for them.

When my dad died my partner at the time was partying. That was a huge part of why he is my ex. Yea it wasn't his parent, yes I had family (who were busy grieving themselves) and yes he wouldn't have changed the outcome. But I needed him to be there for me and to prioritise me.

Work is difficult, and if you had been in a meeting that possibly would have been more acceptable. But to be at a party, even if it was a work event looks awful and something I'd really struggle to move past.

I always have my phone on loud when I'm away, especially if I'm.in a different time zone

You have my sympathy. Work events (& I have been to enough of them) are not "partying", they are a right pain.

YANBU but good luck in getting the family to see it.

It’s hard to judge. Were you working the party or were you drinking dancing and having fun?

Because if you’re there to work, that’s your workplace. If you’re coordinating a big reveal or making ice sculptures or serving food, that’s work. If you’re networking and drinking soda water, that’s work. If you’re eating lobster and doing coke off the perfect elbow of a super model that is not work.

i think your wife is being unreasonable but she’s overwhelmed by grief. I suggest relationship counselling and meanwhile try to do something nice for her and take a horrible job off her task list.

No one is irreplaceable at work. You talk about it as though you were, but the reality is, if you had been incapacitated (or god forbid, died yourself) your company would carry on. The idea that you're irreplaceable is a combination of not wanting to be seen as difficult, and either your bosses pressure or your own ego that you as a person need to be there.
You chose to put work first. The fact that you couldn't do anything in a practical sense is irrelevant, emotionally you could have supported and you chose to act as though the fact that you were at a physical distance gave you a free pass to carry on as normal.

It’s LAX. There’s absolutely no way there wasn’t a flight that day to start making your way home.

I used to travel a lot with work and it’s hard once you’re there but if I’d told a single client I’ve ever worked with this situation, they’d be sending me on my way.

Your wife was dealing with the sudden death of your father and you really half-arsed your response. You’re also now being quite defensive. The partying I would struggle to forgive on the night he died. Dreadful.

I voted yabu- not specifically for going to the party - you were still there so you may as well have gone - but for prioritising work over rushing back on the first flight you could:

I immediately started looking for flights. The problem was that I had several important commitments over the next 3-4 days, including a major event hosted by one of our clients and a call with people from another company that I genuinely needed to attend. I told my wife I would come back as soon as I could.

In that moment you chose to priorise your work over your family.

Your FIL died that afternoon. Your wife needed you. And you chose to stay for work.

You then say there were no 'suitable' flights. Not that there were none. So you wouldn't put yourself out in order to get on the first flight you could, even though it may not have been the most convenient?

So as you were still there you decided to go to the party. This is the only reasonable part imo. You weren't on your way home, you were still there, what was the point in being there but not attending the party?

But from where I'm standing, and I imagine this is how your wife feels too, you didn't rush back immediately when she first called you, FIL died so what was the rush then? You may as well stay and party. This may not have been what you intended, but it is one interpretation of your actions (or lack thereof).

Honestly, Im not sure I'd be able to get past this either.

Did you not even think that the reason she was asking you to come home was because she knew, either explicitly or intuitively, that her father was dying? So him dying “unfortunately” wasn’t actually out of the realms of possibility. An older man admitted to ICU should have maybe been a clue for you as to how serious the situation was. But you had work commitments which were more important 🤷‍♀️

FWIW I was the primary earner (actually the only one at that stage) and extremely senior in my organisation at the point at which my former FIL died. We were living overseas in Asia at the time. It wasn’t an unexpected death but the timing was very unexpected (he had a brain tumour, which triggered a stroke). Not only did my company completely understand when I had to pull out of a very big meeting and several pitches, they went overboard making sure that they got me, DH and DC back to his family as quickly as possible. The two possible conclusions that anyone could possibly make about you not being able to find a “suitable flight” or leave work for a family death are that either your work think you’re not very good and you’re worried they’re looking to get rid, or that you just care more about work than someone you’ve had a close familial relationship with for your entire adult life.

Are your wife’s family Spanish Catholics? If they are, that’s even more reason that they can’t forgive you. You must surely understand why given how long they have been in your life.

Overall though, I’d say the problem isn’t about what you did or didn’t do. It’s about the why. You seem to be absolutely self focused and totally lacking in any empathy at all. Even your posts on this thread are all me me me and very much not about what your wife and her family are feeling. What are you doing to support them?

You said - I started looking for flights again, but there weren't any suitable flights available for the next couple of days.

Why were they unsuitable?

If this were your father what would you have done?

Most companies I have worked at would understand if you had to immediately return home. Maybe it’s that deep down you simply did not want to?

I wondered this too.

Really! A close family member has just unexpectedly died. You're abroad, no friends or family to lean into. So, hey, there's a party on, might as well go, nothing better to do than live it up with strangers. Unbelievable!

I think your wife and her family are either being a bit precious or wrapped up in their grief and scapegoating you.

These business trips with client events take on a life of their own sometimes. You’re in a weird bubble with colleagues and clients and the real world seems far away.

I don’t think you did anything heinous. I would write an apology message and then tell your wife you’re drawing a line under it.

Is your wife SAHM or does she work too?

Well I meam it's not great is it? My point was the worst crime imo wasn't attending the party, it was not bothering his ass to get back when his wife needed him.

If hed literally got the first flight he could after her call, he'd have been in the air when FIL died but his wife would know that he was on his way to be there for her.

Instead he said he'd get back when he could be arsed and decided to attend the party because he might as well. Just saying that for me, the party compounded it but it was the not getting back for his wife asap that was the worst of it.

At what cost though. Last minute flights are expensive and if work wouldn’t have paid then maybe it wasn’t actually feesible

Maybe, but he doesn't even say he tried.

I entirely agree with you.

When my ILs died, I did what I had to work-wise and e.g. getting kids to school, but then needed to take myself off somewhere private to absorb what had happened and mourn them. The OP seems to have skipped that bit.

That’s not the same though. When you’re on the other side of the world on a business trip things are different.

I think they are over reacting, sometimes work is hard to drop just like that and you were in another country, I’m not sure how you would have been any help being there anyway. You went to the funeral which is the main event isn’t it

I'd be prepared for it lasting a good deal longer- it's hard to come back from misjudgement that bad.
You should have told your clients you have a family emergency and got on tnhe first plane out- end of story, a death or very serious ilness in your family trumps business meetings. You basically carried on working and partying until your FIL was dead- you truly believe being frozen out for 6 days is excessive punishment for ignoring your FIL being incredibly seriously ill for the best part of a week?
Either your job and partying are more important to you- or your family is, that is what they are all thinking, and quite rightly so.

I think you have not done anything wrong. You were abroad, you were at an important work event. Staying in a hotel room would have change nothing, I don’t think it was wrong to go. It’s not like you were on a holiday with friends.

Many employers would not sanction leaving a very important set of meetings/paying for flight changes for the death of a parent-in-law.

i think your wife is angry and being unreasonable. In your wife’s shoes, I would not have expected you to stay in your hotel room instead of going to a work event.

Completely agree with you. When my father died I was on a huge project (IT tech delivery) and there was no time to do a handover and give it to someone else so I carried on to see it through. I got given 3 weeks compassionate leave (discretionary) by my manager when it was finished around 10 days later.