Our DS is just about to turn 1. He is our second born and to say motherhood didn’t come naturally to me with him as it did with our DD is an understatement.
8/9 years of infertility and recurrent loss, our DD was born just before my 30th birthday. The peace I felt was like nothing is ever experienced before. Suddenly, we had this precious baby that we’d longed for and we got lucky, she slept through from 2 months, no health issues, met her milestones ahead of expected, she’s now 3 and besides the usual tantrums, she’s an amazing child. She loves to read, to comfort people and peers, she’s caring, funny but bold and confident.
We were ecstatic to find out I was pregnant again with another healthy baby, he was born and my world came crashing down. I didn’t get that initial rush of love until he was a few months old but even then it felt like it came out of guilt. He’s been hospitalised many times for recurrent bronchiolitis, he’s dairy intolerant and other food allergies. For the first 6 months of his life he slept in a swing chair because of his reflux. We had gaviscon, omeprazole, dairy free prescription formula and none of it made a difference to reflux. Looking back on those days of taking it in turns to sleep on sofa in the living room with DH whilst he slept in a swing chair makes me shudder. He’d still projectile vomit at least twice, neither of us got anymore than a couple of hours sleep a night, his chair was more often than not covered in sick which led to it being cleaned and dried once a night with a vax in the early hours and then dried off with a hairdryer. We own our own business. I was left a lot of the time with baby and DD until she started preschool in January this year for 3 days a week 9-3 and DH was single handedly running business on such little sleep.
At 6 months old, we had a turning point when weaning came in to play, yes he has some allergies but he slept longer, no more reflux and he became a happier baby.
I knew that I loved him but I didn’t feel joy like I did with DD, with this came a lot of sadness and guilt and I reached out to my GP who referred me to the perinatal team. I have since been diagnosed with PPD and OCD. I already have depression and anxiety and have been medicated for this since I was 13 (bad childhood).
As my son is about to turn 1, I can’t remember a lot of his first year and it’s eating me alive.
I started gambling online, I don’t drink or smoke but it’s got out of hand. I’m fully addicted to it now and I don’t know what to do, I’m so ashamed of myself.
DH and I are at breaking point.
The summer holidays have been horrific, I’ve been so depressed that I feel the kids have missed out on so many days out (not expensive ones I mean I’ve been to anxious to leave the house to even go to the park).
I’m desperate to stop gambling on the slots, I’m desperate to feel better, the only reason I wouldn’t currently end my life is because I wouldn’t leave my 2 children with that trauma (a lot of childhood trauma has ruined me as a person). I also wouldn’t want to leave DH.
I’m still currently being trialled on different meds so my moods are up and down.
Added to that, I’m 6 weeks pregnant after contraceptive pill failure due to me being stupid and taking two weeks worth of antibiotics for my tooth and forgetting to use extra protection. We cannot have this baby and I’m booked in to start termination process next Wednesday although if I can actually go through with it, is another matter. We have a 2 bed and cannot currently afford to move anywhere bigger and also we cannot afford a bigger car, my mental health is on the floor and it would not be fair to add another baby to the mix.
I feel absolutely hopeless, I want to start exercising but cannot imagine going to a gym/swimming etc alone. The anxiety eats away at me, some days I can barely leave the house and I haven’t driven in almost 4 weeks because I’m convinced I’ll crash or somebody will crash into me and hurt the children. I have so many horrible thoughts in my head that I don’t know what to do with them (all outside triggers, not me hurting my children or anything like that).
I look at my little boy and he’s beautiful, he’s wonderful, I love him wholeheartedly but he deserves better than me and so does my daughter. I’ve been a failure of a mum the last year.
How do I forgive myself? How do I stop gambling when it’s the only thing that seems to make me happy (temporarily until I inevitably lose what I’ve won - if I win).
How do I go ahead with this termination when my mental health is at an all time low as it is, I don’t know whether it’ll be relief or utter guilt and shame that I got rid of our baby. I can’t guarantee one way or another how I’m going to feel and I’m petrified of falling further down.
As we approach our son’s first birthday, I look back and can’t remember a lot at all. It’s like I’ve blocked it out. I could cry and cry and cry through shame and sadness and guilt and just utter exhaustion of where I continuously beat myself up.
How do I get through this? How do I turn my life around so my children have the life they deserve? I don’t feel strong enough and I’m scared that I’m unable to get the fight back in me.