Don’t remember the 1st year of my DS life, so ashamed. How can I turn my life around?

If you ever need more support, come back on here and use this thread. We will be here for you. You're so strong even if you don't feel you are. Making those steps towards recovery is brave and I applaud you. You've got this. One little step at a time op.

It's lovely to hear your update OP. You've dug yourself out of mental heath holes before, you can do it again. Keep reaching out for support wherever it's available.

Do you know what type of therapy you had before? Maybe you could Google or get a book to remind you the techniques.

As another poster said, OCD is really treatable with the right therapy, can you push your GP to access this for you.

Sorry you're going through all this, MH struggles are horrible 💐

I wish you could feel proud of yourself for getting through DS's first year. Genuinely the sleep deprivation stops the memories going into your brain, it isn't your fault. Did you take photos of him/yourself and the kids on your phone? Looking at those could help you feel reassured that there were some happy times during that year.

You poor love, you sound so unwell.

firstly, as op have said, asking for help with gambling would be a great first step. GA do online meetings too you don’t have to go ojt if you’re too scared at the moment.

the meds you’re being trialled on sound like they still need a few weeks to settle in, is your GP aware of how bad it is right now?

(edit, pressed update by mistake) having a termination in the circumstances is completely rational and nothing to be ashamed of. You are protecting your family by knowing your capacity here, not doing anything wrong.

When my friend is being unkind to herself ( and I tell myself the same ) I ask myself if I would speak to my friend the same way I speak to myself, would I judge her so harshly or would I be full of empathy and understanding for my friend? And to treat myself like id treat a friend

I had a newborn and a 2 year old. My newborn fed every 2 hours and id had a traumatic birth. The first year of his life was horrendous and I still to this day wish things had been different. I didnt feel like I loved him until his first birthday. It was like a fog fell down around him and I could finally see what an amazing gift I had right infront of me.

Now I just feel bad for my past self where at the time I was extremely hard on myself. Now i just feel bad that I went through something so difficult and struggled so much. But I can understand why it was so hard and why I felt the way I did

Try to be kinder to yourself x

Are you getting psychological therapy alongside the meds? OCD is treatable. You are not well and need to prioritise your mental health as much as you can (this includes looking after your physical health). Are you getting help with the gambling and are your treating clinicians aware. Things can get much better with the right support. Wishing you well

Are you me? Also a twin mum and was thinking exactly the same thing.

OP, babies are hard work. You're not alone in having struggled. Please don't give up. It will get better x

Op be kind to yourself. You have been through and are possibly still in a period be being extremely unwell.
I too can’t remember much of my 2 babies first years due to PND. but they are now well adjusted and functioning adults.
I am going to gently suggest you think v v carefully about a termination.
If you have termination regret it could make your mental health worse. You seem to express some doubts about the termination which is why I wrote this.
Please forgive yourself. There is nothing you ‘need to do’ eg gym/swimming, driving etc.
Babies don’t need much. I spent my first weeks sleeping in a drawer and I am totally fine.
If you can’t go outside then open a window and let some fresh air in, that’s a start.
Try to tell yourself you are a good Mum- everything you write points to a deep love for your children and husband.
My first had reflux - I recognize what you write about the amount of vomit. We threw a towel over everything he was laying on and I used towels instead of muslins as he vomited so much.
@Justanopinionnothingmore post I think is spot on.

You can overcome this. Start with being kind to yourself and seeking support.
Contact beacon reflect counselling trust. They’re an incredible service that anyone can access and will help

I wish I could give you a hug OP. You're not a failure. You've been struggling through an extremely difficult set of circumstances.

You ask "how can I forgive myself". There's nothing you've done that needs forgiving. Instead, you deserve empathy - from others, and, eventually, from yourself too.

Can you access therapy? Particularly as you mention having a difficult childhood yourself - that adds a whole extra level of difficulty to life.

Hi OP, it doesn't matter at all if you can't remember the first year of their life. They can't remember it either and you have successfully got them through it. That is what counts. It is only when you have children that you realise how difficult it was for your own parents to get through that first year with you. You are doing so well. You do need to stop gambling. People never win, the house wins and makes money from all the people. I know it is so difficult to stop something that you enjoy. You may need to sign up to the gambling equivalent of alcoholics anonymous. I can't remember what it is called. I think this post is a really good cry for help. You have done so well to get through these years and raise your beautiful children. Life is not easy and you need to look after your own mental health. It is very difficult to receive mental health support from the NHS. Might be worth going to A and E if you feel low and see if you can get any free psychiatry or a prescription for anti depressants. It can take take time to find one that suits you. Put yourself first for a while. You need to be well to support others around you. Keep posting. There is often good and supportive advice on here. Xxxxxx

Get to Gamstop.

tell your partner about the gambling. It is an addiction and you’ll need help to stop but if you can, that will turn your life around.

I think you’re very brave. I also think you posting means you want to make it better. You can do this and there is hope. There’s some great advice here. I’d try and focus on one thing at a time. It may feel overwhelming to try and start solving everything at once. Small steps - focus on what you’re going to do tonight. Then tomorrow focus on doing one thing you think will help you feel better. Be kind to yourself and don’t beat yourself up - it won’t help you or make you feel better. Accept that you aren’t going to suddenly feel better and you may go backwards some days, but know baby steps will take you one step closer to feeling more yourself. Keeping my fingers crossed for you

Have you reached out and got all the help ?

gamble aware is a charity in the uk
put all the blocks on your card and websites

have you told people and csn you get to a gamble group like AA - some are on line

the meds will take a while

my kids haven’t been anywhere due to no money don't be hard on yourself

that first year is a blur for most mums please be kind to your self

can you make your social media help you with positive stories of people who have bounced back from you situation and block all the (fake) perfect parents ones

Having a baby with reflux is such such hard work.

One of mine (out of 4) had silent reflux and she’s in her 20s now, it nearly broke us. Please be kind to yourself and get as much support as possible for each of the issues as well as overall mental health support.

Please be kind to yourself. What would you say to someone in this position? You'd rightly tell them that it isn't their fault, they are ill, and you can see they're really trying to get better. That it won't be like this forever. I know people that were sectioned with severe PPD that ended up living happy full lives and have great relationships with their kids.

Not many people get through that level of sleep deprivation unscathed. Your kids won't remember any of the practical things at this age (like how often they went out), they will remember feeling safe and loved.

Having an termination because it's not the right thing for the rest of your family including your current children is a completely valid, rational and sensible choice - you are being a good mum and putting them first.

I feel so desperately sorry for you. You don't have anything to feel guilty for- you are doing your best in very difficult conditions. You deserve compassion and support.

Keep engaging with support for your mental health- try different medications, try counselling, try forcing yourself outside once a day, even just for a few minutes. Does anyone in your real life know about your gambling addiction?

Hi OP

I had an Online slot addiction, so understand how awful it is. I stopped 8 years ago, and have not gambled since.

Immediately go yo Gamstop and block yourself from gambling sites, then go to Gamcare, thete are forums on there and lots of advice, then go to your back account and block gambling sites.

You can get through this, you can stop. I felt absolutely hopeless in my addiction, but I am out the other side.

Gambling is a way of self medicating, I think you are possibly depressed, so a trip to the Dr as well.

Don’t ruminate on the past, look to move forward. You can’t change the past, but you can change your future.

Ah OP, you’ve had a rotten time of it. Don’t be hard yourself. It really doesn’t matter that you don’t remember his first year of life - he won’t either!
What does matter is that you don’t convey your different feelings about your children to them. That is really important. You don’t have to worry about the past but focus on the future.
Best of kuck. I’m no expert on gambling but delete the apps and give your bank cards to your husband/mum etc so you have no way to access the games or to pay?

You poor love. I just want to hold out my hand and let you know you are not alone.

You sound absolutely traumatised and rightly so. You've been through so much and it's no wonder you feel like you do.

I am no psychiatrist but this sounds a lot of trauma based, have you looked into ptsd? Just with you saying you don't remember a lot of your son's first year. EMDR therapy is really good for this. It sort of resets the brain.

I wouldn't be surprised if your gambling addiction is due to your ocd and stress. When your life is so out of control, your mind looks for things it can control and a lot of the the time, this is where addiction starts. It is a mental way out of the daily grind and horrible feelings. To let go and be reckless. But unfortunately this is also now coming out of control. Mine was eating. And shopping. It might be different but I recognise some of these feelings.

It will get better and you've made your first step by making this post. Reach out for help and dont be ashamed. You've been through so much, give yourself a break lovely.

What a brave and sad post.

@greendusk who knows about the gambling? That sounds like the first priority to get help for since much of your anxiety and depression will now be resulting from this ongoing vicious cycle.

Your son is loved and well cared for. That’s enough. Not all of us are lucky enough to have sweet memories of that early stage. There plenty of time for lovely memories to be made.

Keep talking to your DH and health team and please call the Samaritans on 116123 if you need a non judgmental stranger to listen and support you.

I had twins

i Don’t remember most of the first year. There was a lot of vomiting and nappy changing I remember that and a lot of watching tv at 2am.

you aren’t a bad mum because you don’t remember the first year.

my kids are fine. As am I.

My love, this sounds awful for you. It does sound like a difficult start with DS.

Priority is to get off the gambling (I don't know much about this but I understand there are charities that can help).

Please do not feel guilty about going ahead with the termination. There's no shame in prioritising your existing children and your mental health.

Other than that, do you have any family support?

And... small steps. You have to start. Drop the guilt. A couple of hours at the park. What's local to you? I know you are really struggling and I've been there. Sometimes doing the thing is just what we have to do.