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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to turn down a major promotion because of parenting guilt?

53 replies

Thefrozenone · 27/08/2026 22:50

AIBU to turn down a huge huge promotion due to guilt?

posted on parenting thread but still in two minds. Feel guilty accepting a full time role which means more time away from LO - longer days at work with condensed hours.

Single parent so will be difficult juggling nursery drop and pick ups will be difficult. My employer is somewhat flexible but I do have concerns that the nature of the role will inevitably mean less flexibility than I currently have as it is more senior. Commute would be into central London and I would have to ask to leave early on office days - twice a week - as I won’t make it home before nursery closing otherwise.

Was renting but moved in with parents to save. This would be an opportunity to move out and have a place of our own again.

really torn - can’t tell if being unreasonable to turn town, or crazy to take it and make it work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thefrozenone · 28/08/2026 08:32

@Holdinguphalfthesky - yes so I would ask for alternating weekends so that I’d still have some more time with LO and exP would be happy to oblige on that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thefrozenone · 28/08/2026 08:40

@JudithsCheeses honestly, no. I doubt I’d get such a big promotion externally, and if I did, a new company might not be so flexible.

I do want to take the job because I feel it will give me and LO a nice life in the future.

I actually stepped down following maternity leave in order to ensure I spent time with LO and now I feel this is the time to set foundations. However, I am very open to opinions of others who have been there and done this hence the post! Ha.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thefrozenone · 28/08/2026 17:27

shuffleofftobuffalo · 28/08/2026 06:00

I have been in your shoes OP as a single parent. I took the job, and it opened up so many future opportunities both for my career and for my child in terms of housing, schooling, holidays etc.

what I’d say about the flexibility aspect is that I’ve found, 100% of the time, that it’s possible to negotiate an arrangement that works for all with a new role/employer so long as you do it up front. If it’s just holidays you’re worried about - when the kids re small we’re all just muddling through that aspect, partnered or not!

How major is major by the way? £20k more, £30k more?

thank you that’s nice to hear. It is 21k…

OP posts:
Original poster
Thefrozenone · 28/08/2026 17:30

Pumpkinswirls · 28/08/2026 00:28

If you’re a single parent it feels really unfair on your child. At a senior level and being a single parent too, they’ll be the kid whose parent never shows up for anything at school and isn’t around in the holidays. A sad, lonely existence of feeling pretty abandoned I’d imagine. For what?! You could presumably move out of London; find a job in a cheaper location where you can find a happier work life balance? Maybe not straight away but that’s what I would be aiming for.

i don’t plan on not being around for my child and can’t see how uprooting and taking LO away from friends and family is any better?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thefrozenone · 28/08/2026 17:33

AbzMoz · 28/08/2026 03:39

There’s no perfect answer. Give yourself grace that you’re only ever going to be able to do the best you can with the information and circumstances you’ve got.
Does it make sense to remain at home and take the the promotion so you’re more actively saving? Does your current job mean you already use nursery care? When does school and other clubs etc start?
I think it’s far easier to ask for flexible working and early finishes etc once you’re past probation and have your feet under the table. If you (and your parents/supporters) can figure out the next 6-12 months then you could be in a really strong position and path ahead indeed.

Thank you for your reply - yes I had planned to remain at home for likely a couple of years and save. LO is in nursery 2 days already it would be one extra day and then the normal day with my parents. They too have offered to pick LO up on office days and exP has offered to help when parents aren’t around now too. School starts in 2 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thefrozenone · 28/08/2026 17:38

JC89 · 28/08/2026 05:32

Long term it might be good to go for it for the income - is it a decent pay rise? What are the travel costs like? Speaking of travel, is the transport reliable or do trains get cancelled frequently - what is the backup plan for nursery pickup if that happens?

It's also worth thinking about what will happen when DC starts school - hopefully there would be after school clubs available but I know in some schools they get full!

What time wit you get with DC - if it's compressed hours do you get a day with them during the week then also the weekend?

It’s a substantial pay rise. Travel is likely £100 per month.

when DC starts school my hours would be 8-3 over 5 days - I assume this would be ok?

I will get 2 days with DC - Monday & Sunday

OP posts:
Original poster
Thefrozenone · 28/08/2026 17:40

2O26 · 28/08/2026 05:49

It's good not to have too many changes at the same time. Having to go into the office only two days a week is a nice balance. Can you accept the job but wait until you feel comfortable before moving out on your own? Do your parents help out with your children?

Edited

Yes I would have always given it a couple of years before moving out - my parents are great yes and have offered to help one more day and do nursey pick up on office days but this will be slightly harder when they are away but LOs dad has now offered to help on these days.

OP posts:
Minasama · 28/08/2026 17:44

How old are your kids?

I would say do it unless there’s a lot of travel involved that you won’t be able to logistically manage. You can always go back down if it doesn’t work out.

If it helps you save for your own place it does sound worthwhile.

My experience has been that I’ve had to step back now they are mid-teens because I simply don’t have the mental capacity to do the big job and listen to/sort the complicated teenage problems. So I’m really glad I got the house, saved the pension & had the experience while they were young xxxx

Original poster
Thefrozenone · 28/08/2026 21:16

@Minasama thank you for your reply. DC is 3 in 3 weeks.

that’s insightful - I suppose I hadn’t thought of it as a way to make the most of things (financially) in the here and now and then have the ability to step back later in life. It felt as if I made the decision I’d be in a senior position forever.

I don’t particularly care for the nature of the role but I am hoping that the experience will open further doors and lead me into roles that do resonate more with me.

I feel I would be failing somewhat if DC starts school and we are still living at my parents home. Especially as I will be 32 turning 33 at that point.

OP posts:
2O26 · 29/08/2026 00:08

Thefrozenone · 28/08/2026 21:16

@Minasama thank you for your reply. DC is 3 in 3 weeks.

that’s insightful - I suppose I hadn’t thought of it as a way to make the most of things (financially) in the here and now and then have the ability to step back later in life. It felt as if I made the decision I’d be in a senior position forever.

I don’t particularly care for the nature of the role but I am hoping that the experience will open further doors and lead me into roles that do resonate more with me.

I feel I would be failing somewhat if DC starts school and we are still living at my parents home. Especially as I will be 32 turning 33 at that point.

“I feel I would be failing somewhat if DC starts school and we are still living at my parents home. Especially as I will be 32 turning 33 at that point”.

Funny, I thought the exact opposite. I thought what a mature and smart woman you are by deciding to live at home so you can save money and get help with the children. And how wonderful is for your children to spend time with their grandparents. I am so impressed with you!

WaitingForAutumm · 29/08/2026 00:33

If you turn it down you’ll forever wonder what-if and regret it. But if you take it and it’s hard you won’t regret it but negotiate even harder for more flex and make it work. 21k increase is hard to come by even with a change of job. So an internal promotion with this increase is brilliant.
personally I found nursery years easier than school as there were no demands outside of nursery.
all promotions are hard for a year and then get easier. You can do this!

Original poster
Thefrozenone · 29/08/2026 07:25

@WaitingForAutumm @2O26 thank you both for your kind words!

OP posts:
JustMarriedBecca · 29/08/2026 07:37

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 28/08/2026 06:01

I don't agree with this at all, and I think there are lots of assumptions being made here that aren't necessarily valid.

When I was a senior manager with young dc, I actually found the complete opposite. I had a lot more leverage with my employer because my skills were highly valued. I also had a lot more flexibility than less senior members of staff, because I was much more in control of my own schedule - as long as I got the job done, I was pretty much able to decide when and how I worked.

I certainly wasn't the parent who never showed up to stuff in school - quite the contrary - and I actually had more annual leave as a senior manager to spend with dc in the holidays.

In your situation, I would be inclined to talk to your prospective employer about your situation as a single parent and ask them about the flexibility that you're likely to need. I certainly wouldn't assume that more senior means less flexible, as that isn't how it works for many people.

Show quote history

I would agree. I found more flexibility with a City employer than a regional one when in senior management. I work fully from home when necessary and am at every school dance performance, music performance and sports day. My employer, and I, understand that loyalty is key and if you treat your employees like humans, you get more out of them.

Yes the kids are in breakfast and after school club some days but enjoy playing with friends. Holidays can be hard but I use statutory unpaid leave to give me more quality time away and at home.

Take the job.

MrsPapillon · 29/08/2026 07:57

I was a single mum and like you, the guilt floored me. I’d drop my DCs before school at wraparound care and pick them up at 5.30. On a normal day they’d spend 9 and a half hours at school/club. If I was working longer days or travelling I’d have to get them picked up from after school and wouldn’t get home till gone 8pm.

They’re adults now and I was recently talking to them about how hard it must have been for them. I was very shocked when both of them replied that looking back they didn’t feel hard done to at all. My DD said that all their friends were in the same boat, so they didn’t know any different. All their parents worked long hours, it was normal. They felt very much loved, and we had quality time together at weekends and holidays. They also appreciate that it was necessary in order for them to enjoy the nice lifestyle they had as children (again, that surprised me because despite a decent salary it always felt a huge financial struggle raising DCs on my own with no CM from their father. It’s good to know that they saw it differently).

You’re between a rock and a hard place, but do whatever is best for you and let go of the guilt. It’s futile.

AggroPotato · 29/08/2026 08:11

Oh my god just take it!!!

This is a golden opportunity for you and your child to have a better life. Your employer is supportive.

JFDI!

Vulturesoverhead · 29/08/2026 08:13

AbzMoz · 28/08/2026 03:39

There’s no perfect answer. Give yourself grace that you’re only ever going to be able to do the best you can with the information and circumstances you’ve got.
Does it make sense to remain at home and take the the promotion so you’re more actively saving? Does your current job mean you already use nursery care? When does school and other clubs etc start?
I think it’s far easier to ask for flexible working and early finishes etc once you’re past probation and have your feet under the table. If you (and your parents/supporters) can figure out the next 6-12 months then you could be in a really strong position and path ahead indeed.

Agree

averythinline · 29/08/2026 11:38

Take the promotion.... Think of it as investment in both of your futures..

Could you move closer to work so commute shorter or where can get longer nursery days...theres some near me that are 7-7 ..
Its only 2 days a week in...

UnaOfStormhold · 29/08/2026 11:44

Would it be possible to take the promotion but reduce your hours until your kids are in school, keeping your income the same? That way you could take the opportunity which would open up better prospects for the future and still have the time you need for your family.

Fireflicking · 29/08/2026 11:49

Why call it parenting guilt? Surely you’ll just be making the decision based on what’s best for the both of you in the short and long term?

Pinkissmart · 29/08/2026 12:00

Pumpkinswirls · 28/08/2026 00:28

If you’re a single parent it feels really unfair on your child. At a senior level and being a single parent too, they’ll be the kid whose parent never shows up for anything at school and isn’t around in the holidays. A sad, lonely existence of feeling pretty abandoned I’d imagine. For what?! You could presumably move out of London; find a job in a cheaper location where you can find a happier work life balance? Maybe not straight away but that’s what I would be aiming for.

You are massively projecting here.
OP needs to support her child - there will always be compromise.

CatsMagic · 29/08/2026 12:11

I am the first to say that your time is your most valuable asset , but I think you should give this a try OP, internal promotions usually give some good negotiating room for leave and flexibility , and 8-3 are good hours, especially once your LO starts school, you will get your evenings, and this is a decent pay rise, so I think this would be worth you going for and see what happens .

Original poster
Thefrozenone · 29/08/2026 20:29

Thank you all for your replies

OP posts:
Epdrenching · 29/08/2026 20:34

Take it OP.
You are building your future.
Guilt is wasted energy.
Take the job and make your time with your child quality time.

Original poster
Thefrozenone · 30/08/2026 11:23

@Epdrenching thank you

OP posts:
MiceSpiders · 31/08/2026 14:37

Pumpkinswirls · 28/08/2026 00:28

If you’re a single parent it feels really unfair on your child. At a senior level and being a single parent too, they’ll be the kid whose parent never shows up for anything at school and isn’t around in the holidays. A sad, lonely existence of feeling pretty abandoned I’d imagine. For what?! You could presumably move out of London; find a job in a cheaper location where you can find a happier work life balance? Maybe not straight away but that’s what I would be aiming for.

I am very senior and I haven't missed a sports day or school play yet, my husband who is less senior than me had a lot less flexibility until he was promoted into a management role about a year ago

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