Page 7 | Maintenance and extra's

questioneverything01 · 28/08/2026 15:01

ConflictedDad · 27/08/2026 13:13

Hi,

Not a mum, but believe in getting a broad perspective on pretty much everything (I do this with politics, health, work, etc lol).

I have a bit of a pickle, and would welcome your insight!

Divorced from ex-wife, now a little over 9 years ago. 3 kids:

Child1 has autism (undiagnosed), and receives Dla, he's going into year 11 next week.
2 other Children on spectrum too, but no benefits/diagnosis (Child2+3 are both 13)

I work full time, pay rent privately and look after my house. I have kids roughly 45% of the time - working out at around 170 nights a year, but also take on much of the admin load (appointments, forms, school stuff, etc)

I pay £350 maintenance a month (Private agreement, not CMS mandated), and also contribute 50/50 towards extra costs - trips, uniforms, hair cuts, glasses if they're over the voucher level, etc)

Ex receives Cb, UC and PIP. She'll also get the disabled child element of UC from my understanding.

I'm at a point where i'm unable to continue funding 50/50 of the 'extras' on top of the maintenance, rents have all gone up (£1,100 where I live now) as well as everything else, as we all know.

Would I be unreasonable to tell my ex that i'm unable to continue with this arrangement? We get along well, and are usually happy to help each other out if things come up (DIY stuff, or if i have to work until later etc) and I don't want to upset things, however I don't feel this is sustainable for me financially and believe that this should be covered comfortably by maintenance and child benefit?

Mods, if you feel this is better in a different category, please feel free to move it!

Did you consider taking the kids full time and do it the other way round?

HouseBee · 28/08/2026 15:08

ConflictedDad · 28/08/2026 10:14

Hi.

thanks, I do feel like I need to point out here that we are looking after 3 autistic children. Not just her.

and no, due to her disabilities she’s not taking a financial hit to provide care, and it’s very arguably if she does in fact provide a “bigger share of the care” needed.

Show quote history

Ok but you also CHOSE to have 3 dcs with someone who is disabled (I’m guessing she is also autistic because of the genetic link).

So surely you knew you’d be doing the lion’s share of the work?

HouseBee · 28/08/2026 15:17

ConflictedDad · 27/08/2026 18:03

She’s long term disabled, she’s unlikely to ever be able to work due to the varying nature of her issues on a day to day basis.

but, that’s not relevant to the issue here I don’t believe

Show quote history

Well I’m disabled myself.
And I think her disability is hugely important.

What you’re saying is that you left 3 dcs in the care of someone who needs a carer herself.
Has it ever been a good idea? If she receives PIP, it means she has noticeable problems in cooking for herself, shower, get dressed etc…. And yet she has 3 DCs, one of who is disabled enough by their autism to receive DLA.
A 55/45 split already feels wrong tbh.

On the dcs pov, a 25/75 would probably have been better.
It would avoid any of them becoming a child carer 😢😢
And I’m Wonderimg if it wouldn’t be better for you financially too.

Of course, you’d hardly get any break…….

Impartialopinions · 28/08/2026 20:32

I don’t see why her household income is up for discussion and being broken down. If she was in receipt of £90k annually would you then stop paying for your children?
You have the children 45% of the time therefore you gain 45% use of uniform, coats, shoes etc assuming these are shared between homes? Your CMS calculation is based on 45% shared care therefore either provide your own uniform shoes bags etc for your days which will cost you double on some items or contribute to contribute 45-50% for the use you have of them on your days.
If she is forced into work whilst having health issues and managing a child with additional needs then it’s your children who would suffer, along with yourself/your work if she’s the one who would usually collect a sick child from school at 11am whilst you were at work on one of your overnights.

TomHanksIsMyHero · 28/08/2026 20:47

If you get on well then talk to her about it. Explain that you’re struggling financially and ask if she would like a set about each month (£350) or less CMS (below calculator level) but help towards joint expenses like trips.

You could always offer to help out more where you can (bonuses, overtime, etc), and agree to review it if circumstances change.

croydon15 · 28/08/2026 23:06

As other posters have suggested talk to your ex and tell her that you're unable to help any longer with any extras as your rent has increased or you will have the DC an extra 5% of the time and will stop paying any maintenance, what would she prefer ?

Original poster

ConflictedDad · 29/08/2026 01:00

Impartialopinions · 28/08/2026 20:32

I don’t see why her household income is up for discussion and being broken down. If she was in receipt of £90k annually would you then stop paying for your children?
You have the children 45% of the time therefore you gain 45% use of uniform, coats, shoes etc assuming these are shared between homes? Your CMS calculation is based on 45% shared care therefore either provide your own uniform shoes bags etc for your days which will cost you double on some items or contribute to contribute 45-50% for the use you have of them on your days.
If she is forced into work whilst having health issues and managing a child with additional needs then it’s your children who would suffer, along with yourself/your work if she’s the one who would usually collect a sick child from school at 11am whilst you were at work on one of your overnights.

Sorry, what exactly is child benefit for? It is relevant to the discussion - it is precisely for extra costs of raising children. She does not share 45% of this with me, and I think it’s reasonable for that to be accounted for?

i look after the kids too, you seem to be under the impression that it’s all on her, where it is in fact not.

OP posts:

Impartialopinions · 29/08/2026 06:47

ConflictedDad · 29/08/2026 01:00

Sorry, what exactly is child benefit for? It is relevant to the discussion - it is precisely for extra costs of raising children. She does not share 45% of this with me, and I think it’s reasonable for that to be accounted for?

i look after the kids too, you seem to be under the impression that it’s all on her, where it is in fact not.

Show quote history

Child benefit is claimed by one person, the person who has them most of the time. Nowhere does it stipulate that it’s meant to be shared between both (separated) parents.
Whatever she claims is hers to keep and nobodies business but her own. CMS is aware that the resident parent will be likely claiming CB.

Seajaye · 29/08/2026 19:14

OhamIreally · 28/08/2026 07:30

£36,000 is quite a low salary. Why don’t you up your skills and try to get a higher paying job?

That was not really a helpful remark in relation to OPs question. . £36k p.a gross salary is about national average salary and above average in OPs area.
If he returned to full time study to gain extra qualifications and had a student loan, or applied for an adult apprenticeship minimum wage to restrain his payments would then be reduced to zero, which is even less.

The opportunity to be paid to study part time funded by an employer isn't available to many parents.

Its fairly well publicised that for eligible applicants multiple accumulated benefits can sometimes result in higher net monthly income than an average waged person's net take home pay.

That's what has happened here. OP ex has the higher net monthly income and 55% of care of children for which she received benefits and pip and child benefit. He has lower income and 100%. of cost while children are in his care for 45% of the month , but no state support .

All he was asking was whether it was reasonable for him to speak to his ex to inform her that he can now only afford to pay the CMS equivalent entitlement for the children as his legal contribution towards their needs. It's not that he can afford more and is trying to avoid paying. - in the circumstances described by OP, he is being reason

OhamIreally · 30/08/2026 13:28

Seajaye · 29/08/2026 19:14

That was not really a helpful remark in relation to OPs question. . £36k p.a gross salary is about national average salary and above average in OPs area.
If he returned to full time study to gain extra qualifications and had a student loan, or applied for an adult apprenticeship minimum wage to restrain his payments would then be reduced to zero, which is even less.

The opportunity to be paid to study part time funded by an employer isn't available to many parents.

Its fairly well publicised that for eligible applicants multiple accumulated benefits can sometimes result in higher net monthly income than an average waged person's net take home pay.

That's what has happened here. OP ex has the higher net monthly income and 55% of care of children for which she received benefits and pip and child benefit. He has lower income and 100%. of cost while children are in his care for 45% of the month , but no state support .

All he was asking was whether it was reasonable for him to speak to his ex to inform her that he can now only afford to pay the CMS equivalent entitlement for the children as his legal contribution towards their needs. It's not that he can afford more and is trying to avoid paying. - in the circumstances described by OP, he is being reason

Show quote history

I didn’t say he should move to full time study or take on a minimum wage apprenticeship I referred to “upping skills”. A lot of this can be done using free online resources.

OP says he can’t afford extras for his children and is proposing to cut what he pays. It seems a reasonable approach to suggest he try to earn more.

In case anyone thinks I’m tone deaf, when I became a single parent with much, much more care of my child than OP has, I threw myself into my career to earn more and yes it was bloody hard work.