Maintenance and extra's

I didn’t say he should move to full time study or take on a minimum wage apprenticeship I referred to “upping skills”. A lot of this can be done using free online resources.

OP says he can’t afford extras for his children and is proposing to cut what he pays. It seems a reasonable approach to suggest he try to earn more.

In case anyone thinks I’m tone deaf, when I became a single parent with much, much more care of my child than OP has, I threw myself into my career to earn more and yes it was bloody hard work.

That was not really a helpful remark in relation to OPs question. . £36k p.a gross salary is about national average salary and above average in OPs area.
If he returned to full time study to gain extra qualifications and had a student loan, or applied for an adult apprenticeship minimum wage to restrain his payments would then be reduced to zero, which is even less.

The opportunity to be paid to study part time funded by an employer isn't available to many parents.

Its fairly well publicised that for eligible applicants multiple accumulated benefits can sometimes result in higher net monthly income than an average waged person's net take home pay.

That's what has happened here. OP ex has the higher net monthly income and 55% of care of children for which she received benefits and pip and child benefit. He has lower income and 100%. of cost while children are in his care for 45% of the month , but no state support .

All he was asking was whether it was reasonable for him to speak to his ex to inform her that he can now only afford to pay the CMS equivalent entitlement for the children as his legal contribution towards their needs. It's not that he can afford more and is trying to avoid paying. - in the circumstances described by OP, he is being reason

Child benefit is claimed by one person, the person who has them most of the time. Nowhere does it stipulate that it’s meant to be shared between both (separated) parents.
Whatever she claims is hers to keep and nobodies business but her own. CMS is aware that the resident parent will be likely claiming CB.

As other posters have suggested talk to your ex and tell her that you're unable to help any longer with any extras as your rent has increased or you will have the DC an extra 5% of the time and will stop paying any maintenance, what would she prefer ?

If you get on well then talk to her about it. Explain that you’re struggling financially and ask if she would like a set about each month (£350) or less CMS (below calculator level) but help towards joint expenses like trips.

You could always offer to help out more where you can (bonuses, overtime, etc), and agree to review it if circumstances change.

I don’t see why her household income is up for discussion and being broken down. If she was in receipt of £90k annually would you then stop paying for your children?
You have the children 45% of the time therefore you gain 45% use of uniform, coats, shoes etc assuming these are shared between homes? Your CMS calculation is based on 45% shared care therefore either provide your own uniform shoes bags etc for your days which will cost you double on some items or contribute to contribute 45-50% for the use you have of them on your days.
If she is forced into work whilst having health issues and managing a child with additional needs then it’s your children who would suffer, along with yourself/your work if she’s the one who would usually collect a sick child from school at 11am whilst you were at work on one of your overnights.

Well I’m disabled myself.
And I think her disability is hugely important.

What you’re saying is that you left 3 dcs in the care of someone who needs a carer herself.
Has it ever been a good idea? If she receives PIP, it means she has noticeable problems in cooking for herself, shower, get dressed etc…. And yet she has 3 DCs, one of who is disabled enough by their autism to receive DLA.
A 55/45 split already feels wrong tbh.

On the dcs pov, a 25/75 would probably have been better.
It would avoid any of them becoming a child carer 😢😢
And I’m Wonderimg if it wouldn’t be better for you financially too.

Of course, you’d hardly get any break…….

Ok but you also CHOSE to have 3 dcs with someone who is disabled (I’m guessing she is also autistic because of the genetic link).

So surely you knew you’d be doing the lion’s share of the work?

Did you consider taking the kids full time and do it the other way round?

She only has the children 55% of the time. Dad has them 45% of the time and he’s still working full time.

Yes, it’s for my husband’s child from a previous relationship. My earnings don’t come into the calculation, though I appreciate it makes it easier to contribute to half the extras.

Have a look at your P60 from April and it gives you your taxable income amount. Go off that instead of your gross salary and see what difference it makes.

Shift work maybe ?

55 % of the time she is
The other 45% of the time the op is.

Do you pay into a pension? CMS calculates the maintenance on taxable pay (so after pension deductions) not on gross salary.

Anyway, the system is flawed and is based purely on the paying parent’s income and doesn’t take into account the receiving parent’s income. Also it is a myth that having 50/50 custody means zero maintenance. The reason being they will try and balance it if paying parent’s income is significantly higher so there is less discrepancy with the standard of living the children have in each home. (Might not be relevant to your situation but don’t assume it’s 0 if you upped the custody time). Would make no difference if receiving parent is a millionaire though, make it make sense!!!

Like I said, a flawed system.

People saying CMS covers the bare minimum, well that completely depends on the maintenance amount doesn’t it. Higher earners pay more (unless they hide their income), even though the basic costs of raising a child are similar.

Maintenance is supposed to cover housing, clothing, food and basic needs. So the CMS are making you pay towards that for the 55% she has them.

The best answer is to have an honest conversation with the ex about your situation and try and keep things amicable. Technically you are not obliged to pay half of everything on top of the maintenance, if it’s putting you in financial difficulty then it will have to stop, or there has to be some compromise on those extras. Personally I would rather compromise on my own spending before affecting the children (which includes my DSS).

We pay more than £350 maintenance for my DSS and we pay half of all costs for trips etc. We have had to tighten our belts to allow for this, but also sometimes it has to be a no. For example school were offering 2 different trips abroad both costing hundreds, we said we could only contribute half to one of them. Our other two children also have to compromise on the activities they do because of costs. It’s life.

Her income of £42,000 a year is equivalent of £55k earned income after tax, assuming she doesn't have student loan to pay back out of any potential earning over the threshold

I think OP has been much more considerate than many ex's in his situation. He is not wealthy. His financial responsibility is for a contribution.towards his children when in her care, which is just over half the time. The rest of the time he looks after the children. State benefits take her disabilities into account.

I think his salary is too low to be paying more than the CMS figure.

Then in that case , I'd run the CMS calculator in your income and % share and number of children, and pay the amount the calculator states is the correct amount.

I don't think it's fair that you are effectively subsidising her partner and standard of living, to the the significant detriment of yours, and your ability to treat your children when they stay with you. I presume she has declared to benefits office that she has a live in partner ?

A child receiving DLA must have significant care needs throughout the day (ie. Cannot be left alone). As they are 15 (? year 11), there's not going to be child care, and a PA or paid carer probibly costs more the either of you could earn. So if she didn't have them 10% more then you, would you be able to work full time? If not, then she is facilitating your earning.

Besides from that, as the base CMS amount has already had a deduction made for the nights you have them, it is assumed that you provide for them directly during this time. This includes any uniform, coats, shoes or glasses they where while with you. If items are been used at both houses, then both parents should pay. The alternative would be you buying items specifically for their time with you, which would be even more expensive.

Well, she's looking after 3 autistic children, one of which must have very significant care needs if they receive DLA.

I'd guess if we were to get her side, she took a massive financial hit in order to provide a bigger share of the care needed by the disabled children, allowing the OP's work and earning potential to be undisputed. Standard CMS does not take into account the additional costs of raising disabled children, both in terms of lost earnings and direct costs of the disability (fidgets, therapy not providedby NHS, 1:1 activities other kids could do group, broken items, restricted diet).

He didnt miss it out and she will have a fairly decent imcome.

I feel like you deliberately missed out the vital detail that she is in fact disabled so much so she has a carer and is unable to work and instead attempted to paint her as a lazy layabout who should get a job. She can’t do anything to improve her income for obvious reasons. You could improve yours, if not to fund the “extras” then to afford trips out with your DC. 36k is quite low nowadays, not breadline but it’s below average.