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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to want to alternate Christmases after having our first baby?

109 replies

Xmas2026dilemma · 27/08/2026 07:53

I know it’s only August but we ended up having an argument about this last night, so id like other views.

Mine and DH’s families both live 5 hours away in opposite directions. Normally we alternate each year between going to DM’s and my IL’s. DB and SIL live abroad and also alternate between having DM and SILs parents to stay, and coming home the year we are with DM so we are all together.

This year we’ll have our DD, who will be 10 months for her first Christmas. First grandchild on both sides (and only, unless we have more kids).

DH is adamant that now we have DC, we should stay home every year for Xmas with an open invite to family to visit us. We have space to host dinner but not for everyone to stay, so they will have to stay in a nearby hotel.

He feels that as we have the baby, other people should make the journey, and that he doesn’t want to spend our annual leave traipsing across the country when we should be relaxing.

The challenge is that his parents are difficult characters, and my DM has said she particularly doesn’t like his FIL (not many people do). We are not close but see them once or twice a year including alternate Christmases to keep the peace.

I’m not keen on staying home every year for the following reasons:

  • his parents would inevitably come every year, and I like having the break every other year
  • The year my DM spends with me would be miserable for her because she’d have to stay alone in a hotel then spend the rest of the time with people she doesn’t like
  • It essentially means an end to christmases with my DB and SIL - DD’s aunt and uncle. Understandably SIL wants to see her family at Xmas too (they are not far from my DM) so they wouldn’t travel here.
  • When at DM’s I normally see all my aunts, uncles, cousins (who have young children too) on Boxing Day. I would miss this and also don’t want my DD to miss out on that, especially as she will have no cousins of her own.

I had no idea DH would feel this strongly. My preference would be to have one year at home with IL’s visiting us, the next year going to DM’s and seeing my wider family as usual.

YABU - DH is right, now you have DC you need to cut down the travel and start creating your own Xmas at home

YANBU - it’s ok to still want to do Christmas at your DM’s, even if it means a long journey. You should alternate as a compromise.

OP posts:
SALaw · 28/08/2026 06:29

MsSquiz · 27/08/2026 08:01

I agree with Sirzy. 3 year rotation.
you might also find that as your child gets older, travelling around for Christmas isn’t that fun and you’ll want to do your own thing at home where she’ll have her presents to play with and enjoy less hassle

She says she wants to see her brother and sister in law when they are home too?

WellConfusedandDazed · 28/08/2026 06:55

I’m with your DH. I want to be at home at Christmas. Everyone in our family has an open invitation to come for any time period over the holiday. Hardly anyone ever has. We used to travel but after multiple experiences gone wrong and little reciprocation, we stopped. My parents so far have refused to travel to see us except once, saying kids should go see their parents. Ok fine except they never did. My mom hosted Christmas every year when I was a kid and my grandparents and other relatives always came to ours. My brother and SIL did as she wished when their DD was very small and then SIL put her foot down and said no more. They only live a short drive from my parents, and my parents (mainly mom) still refused to go see them, saying their house is too small and we don’t like SIL’s cooking. My DH’s family came to ours once and we used to go see them on Boxing day but not anymore as DH also feels the same - we make the effort and no one else does. Probably just my weird family but basically we all just stay at our own homes at Christmas now and everyone seems a lot happier.

WhatNextImScared · 28/08/2026 07:00

BlueFlowerySky · 27/08/2026 07:58

Can you stay at home when it’s the IL’s turns? So they travel to you every other year and you travel to your mum’s every other year?

That’s what he’s suggested and he’s said no, unfathomably.

Tell him he’s responsible for all the cooking and planning if they come
to
you

Genevieva · 28/08/2026 07:02

I’d alternate between one year you choose and the next year he chooses. His year can be at home with or without in laws (up to him). That way you still get Christmas with your mum.

Mulledjuice · 28/08/2026 07:33

YourWildAmberSloth · 27/08/2026 09:10

I think that once you start a family of your own, you should start your own traditions. You could have Christmas at home, with family visiting Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

I hear this a lot and wonder how many women who say it are going to feel when their adult children "start their own traditions"

Mulledjuice · 28/08/2026 07:36

Who's turn would it be this year/ are your DB + SIL going to your mum's? If so, put your foot down and stay with them.

If DH wants to host he needs to do the hosting.

Do not get browbeaten into staying at home and hosting ut of some notion that it's what you must do when you have children.

Thatnameistaken · 28/08/2026 07:40

We used to do each set before and after Christmas and have Christmas day at home just me DH and DC. Because of the distances involved that might not work for you, but alternating your family one year, home the next is fair enough.

Also think about having to host when you have a small child, how much help will you have?

BeardySchnauzer · 28/08/2026 07:40

Also in this case no one is leaving presents behind to go and visit granny down the road as the distances are too large

my kids loved going to different places at Christmas and they always had their presents with them because we stayed a few days due to distance or just because, shocking I know, we like spending time with our families

ThreeRandomThings · 28/08/2026 07:46

Sirzy · 27/08/2026 07:55

Could you do it as a 3 year rotation? One year at each family and one at home (with or without the open invite side!)

This is what we do (although we do have the open invite on "our" year as we don't have a difficult family situation and our families pitch in, contribute to the cooking and cleaning, and are generally lovely helpful human beings) and it is so nice for the DC to be in their own home for some years. I also agree with @EppingIsFun that neither of you are being unreasonable - this is just one of the logistical things that needs talking through once DC come along.

Edit to add - for the GPs we aren't with over christmas itself, we tend to try and see them around the time at some point. So eg. some years we've spent Christmas day in our house and travelled to one set of GPs on the 28th for new year. Or we've squeezed in a visit earlier in December and done a "mini christmas" in advance. We've learnt that the 25th day itself actually isn't the important thing now, and it's just about finding time for us to get quality time with both sides at some point.

ACynicalDad · 28/08/2026 07:48

Travel for your family, host his family on rotation.

HeyThereDelila · 28/08/2026 07:53

Agree with three year rotation or every other year at home then every other year at DM or ILs.

Don’t underestimate how exhausting it’ll be to do Christmas away from home with a baby, and all that travelling to do with mountains of gifts etc.

1ladybird · 28/08/2026 08:21

Xmas2026dilemma · 27/08/2026 07:53

I know it’s only August but we ended up having an argument about this last night, so id like other views.

Mine and DH’s families both live 5 hours away in opposite directions. Normally we alternate each year between going to DM’s and my IL’s. DB and SIL live abroad and also alternate between having DM and SILs parents to stay, and coming home the year we are with DM so we are all together.

This year we’ll have our DD, who will be 10 months for her first Christmas. First grandchild on both sides (and only, unless we have more kids).

DH is adamant that now we have DC, we should stay home every year for Xmas with an open invite to family to visit us. We have space to host dinner but not for everyone to stay, so they will have to stay in a nearby hotel.

He feels that as we have the baby, other people should make the journey, and that he doesn’t want to spend our annual leave traipsing across the country when we should be relaxing.

The challenge is that his parents are difficult characters, and my DM has said she particularly doesn’t like his FIL (not many people do). We are not close but see them once or twice a year including alternate Christmases to keep the peace.

I’m not keen on staying home every year for the following reasons:

  • his parents would inevitably come every year, and I like having the break every other year
  • The year my DM spends with me would be miserable for her because she’d have to stay alone in a hotel then spend the rest of the time with people she doesn’t like
  • It essentially means an end to christmases with my DB and SIL - DD’s aunt and uncle. Understandably SIL wants to see her family at Xmas too (they are not far from my DM) so they wouldn’t travel here.
  • When at DM’s I normally see all my aunts, uncles, cousins (who have young children too) on Boxing Day. I would miss this and also don’t want my DD to miss out on that, especially as she will have no cousins of her own.

I had no idea DH would feel this strongly. My preference would be to have one year at home with IL’s visiting us, the next year going to DM’s and seeing my wider family as usual.

YABU - DH is right, now you have DC you need to cut down the travel and start creating your own Xmas at home

YANBU - it’s ok to still want to do Christmas at your DM’s, even if it means a long journey. You should alternate as a compromise.

He chooses one year, you choose the next. Alternate that way. If wants to spend his home that’s fine and you all go to your home town your year or choosing. Fair.

Askingforafriendtoday · 28/08/2026 08:37

I think this will be a short term problem. the last thing kids want to do even at age 2, 3 is be draggged away from their home at Christmas so do Christmas at home, make your own memories. I'm with your DH. Offering to host dinner only is a good idea.
The 3 year rotation sounds good in principle and might work for a bit.

Iloveeverycat · 28/08/2026 08:41

We have stayed at home every year just us since having children. We don't host either so don't have to worry about that.

Iloveeverycat · 28/08/2026 08:48

Mulledjuice · 28/08/2026 07:33

I hear this a lot and wonder how many women who say it are going to feel when their adult children "start their own traditions"

Show quote history

I have no problem with mine having Christmas on their own together when moved out especially with children. Its what I have done every year. I don't understand why parents expect them to come home at Christmas and get the hump if they don't.

Youaregoing · 28/08/2026 08:50

We have Christmas day as just us. In-laws see us on Christmas Eve/before Christmas (they live in another county) and my family see us after Christmas (they live abroad).

As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I made it very clear that Christmas day will not be spent running around to other people.

Vickythevan26 · 28/08/2026 08:53

Our kids are now adults and my parents no longer around, but we always alternated, one year with my family and one with In-laws. We never, ever had them together, why is your DH insisting on that?

They generally came to us, esp my parents as they had a small house, but we sometimes went to In-laws larger house when it was their year. Whoever we didn't see at Christmas, we tried to see at New Year or for a day or 2 beforehand.

We never saw our siblings (who had similar age kids and similar arrangements) around Christmas time.

Why does your DH insist that he must see his parents every year? Now you have kids of your own, it is time to set your own arrangements, with both of you agreeing what you want as a nuclear family. What he wants doesn’t take precedence.

ThePeppyOpalScroller · 28/08/2026 08:57

Xmas2026dilemma · 27/08/2026 07:53

I know it’s only August but we ended up having an argument about this last night, so id like other views.

Mine and DH’s families both live 5 hours away in opposite directions. Normally we alternate each year between going to DM’s and my IL’s. DB and SIL live abroad and also alternate between having DM and SILs parents to stay, and coming home the year we are with DM so we are all together.

This year we’ll have our DD, who will be 10 months for her first Christmas. First grandchild on both sides (and only, unless we have more kids).

DH is adamant that now we have DC, we should stay home every year for Xmas with an open invite to family to visit us. We have space to host dinner but not for everyone to stay, so they will have to stay in a nearby hotel.

He feels that as we have the baby, other people should make the journey, and that he doesn’t want to spend our annual leave traipsing across the country when we should be relaxing.

The challenge is that his parents are difficult characters, and my DM has said she particularly doesn’t like his FIL (not many people do). We are not close but see them once or twice a year including alternate Christmases to keep the peace.

I’m not keen on staying home every year for the following reasons:

  • his parents would inevitably come every year, and I like having the break every other year
  • The year my DM spends with me would be miserable for her because she’d have to stay alone in a hotel then spend the rest of the time with people she doesn’t like
  • It essentially means an end to christmases with my DB and SIL - DD’s aunt and uncle. Understandably SIL wants to see her family at Xmas too (they are not far from my DM) so they wouldn’t travel here.
  • When at DM’s I normally see all my aunts, uncles, cousins (who have young children too) on Boxing Day. I would miss this and also don’t want my DD to miss out on that, especially as she will have no cousins of her own.

I had no idea DH would feel this strongly. My preference would be to have one year at home with IL’s visiting us, the next year going to DM’s and seeing my wider family as usual.

YABU - DH is right, now you have DC you need to cut down the travel and start creating your own Xmas at home

YANBU - it’s ok to still want to do Christmas at your DM’s, even if it means a long journey. You should alternate as a compromise.

If they want to see you they will make the effort. If they aren't willing to make the effort, then they dont want to see you.

Simple.

Once you know their true feelings, you can then make a decision on how much effort you put into these relationships going forward.

PermanentlyExhaustedPigeonZZZ · 28/08/2026 09:05

When we stopped visiting my parents over actual Christmas we started visiting early December.

I think it's important you see your extended family. I really like the idea of alternating who decides the plan rather than the actual plan.

Member984815 · 28/08/2026 09:08

I'm with your husband, 🎄Christmas day at home with just the 3 of you , other days for visiting spread out over December. I don't agree you should be hosting anyone 😉

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 28/08/2026 09:18

I'd do one Christmas with each side according to the usual pattern, then focus arrangements on your child for the next few years after that.

Christmas is a season, and December 1st to January 5th gives you lots of time to see everyone - and I think that priorities for a toddler/young child need to take precedence over grandparents for about five years (2-7ish).

BeardySchnauzer · 28/08/2026 09:21

But isn’t the point here that OP wants to spend Christmas at her mums when it’s her sides turn?

i find the christmases with extended family were far more magical than the ones at home just the 4 of us tbh

DelphiniumBlue · 28/08/2026 09:39

I think if you can’t actually put your Mum up, and you want to see your DB and other family, then it makes sense for you to travel to where your extended family are. I don’t think it’s fair to expect your mum to stay in a hotel alone at Christmas.

UnintentionalArcher · 28/08/2026 10:09

LiveLaughGoblin · 27/08/2026 08:01

We alternate the choice of what to do between the two of us, rather than specifying what we actually do.

So in ‘my year’ I could choose between seeing my family, staying home as a nuclear family (with zero invites to anyone), or something else. And on DP’s year he usually wants us to travel to see his family. Seems fair to me!

I like this approach. Fair and flexible!

Joliloily · 28/08/2026 10:16

I agree with your DH. It’s time to stay in your own home and create your own memories. Keep it invite only though, so you get to decide who comes and when.

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