Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to alternate Christmases after having our first baby?

109 replies

Xmas2026dilemma · 27/08/2026 07:53

I know it’s only August but we ended up having an argument about this last night, so id like other views.

Mine and DH’s families both live 5 hours away in opposite directions. Normally we alternate each year between going to DM’s and my IL’s. DB and SIL live abroad and also alternate between having DM and SILs parents to stay, and coming home the year we are with DM so we are all together.

This year we’ll have our DD, who will be 10 months for her first Christmas. First grandchild on both sides (and only, unless we have more kids).

DH is adamant that now we have DC, we should stay home every year for Xmas with an open invite to family to visit us. We have space to host dinner but not for everyone to stay, so they will have to stay in a nearby hotel.

He feels that as we have the baby, other people should make the journey, and that he doesn’t want to spend our annual leave traipsing across the country when we should be relaxing.

The challenge is that his parents are difficult characters, and my DM has said she particularly doesn’t like his FIL (not many people do). We are not close but see them once or twice a year including alternate Christmases to keep the peace.

I’m not keen on staying home every year for the following reasons:

  • his parents would inevitably come every year, and I like having the break every other year
  • The year my DM spends with me would be miserable for her because she’d have to stay alone in a hotel then spend the rest of the time with people she doesn’t like
  • It essentially means an end to christmases with my DB and SIL - DD’s aunt and uncle. Understandably SIL wants to see her family at Xmas too (they are not far from my DM) so they wouldn’t travel here.
  • When at DM’s I normally see all my aunts, uncles, cousins (who have young children too) on Boxing Day. I would miss this and also don’t want my DD to miss out on that, especially as she will have no cousins of her own.

I had no idea DH would feel this strongly. My preference would be to have one year at home with IL’s visiting us, the next year going to DM’s and seeing my wider family as usual.

YABU - DH is right, now you have DC you need to cut down the travel and start creating your own Xmas at home

YANBU - it’s ok to still want to do Christmas at your DM’s, even if it means a long journey. You should alternate as a compromise.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
ImpatientlyWaitingForSummer · 28/08/2026 22:44

Divinedownload · 27/08/2026 18:19

This is just not going to be fun at all with children. Honestly I would stay home every single year with my nuclear family.

This is exactly what we’ve done since our children were born and they’ve been the best Christmases by far

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 28/08/2026 21:05

Definitely agree with deciding year on year. We never wanted to fix any kind of rotation as it would remove any kind flexibility or choice. As it happens, what we’ve done in more recent years has been impacted by health, bereavement and other stuff so it has helped not to be so rigid. It can get to a stage when travelling with young children can be a pain though, carting presents around, not being in your own home. That said, your DH’s idea has you both on Christmas dinner duty every year, and it’s definitely good to get a break from that!

Topseyt123 · 28/08/2026 17:18

We stopped travelling for Christmas when DD1 was maybe 2 years old. We stayed at home. People could come to us if they wished, but mostly they didn't. We almost always go out for Christmas dinner too, so they had to have told us early enough because of booking that.

We would see each set of grandparents either at New Year (I don't like New Year and hardly ever do it), or at some point during the Christmas - New Year week, or at some point in January. Even that didn't really last though.

Neither of us could ever be arsed with all of this tying ourselves up in knots over whose turn was whose, who did it last year, who likes or dislikes who and why. So we didn't. Fuck that!

So I am mostly with your DH . Stay at home.

Thebigarsedbitch · 28/08/2026 16:57

After a really disastrous Xmas spent with PIL when DD was a baby, we made the decision to spend all future Christmases in our own home. Very occasionally PIL visited and one year both sets of parents visited together, but generally we spent it on our own with DD and DS. We made a point of visiting both sets of parents, both of whom lived some distance away, either before or shortly after Christmas to exchange gifts. It worked perfectly for us and Christmas was the relaxed family time that it's supposed to be without driving all over the country.

BeardySchnauzer · 28/08/2026 12:48

But OP has said she wants to continue the traditions she has at home with aunts and uncles etc

theres nothing wrong with that

just alternate.

BeeCucumber · 28/08/2026 12:23

Stay home. Start new traditions. It’s only a couple of days after all. You have all year to see family.

Campervanadventures · 28/08/2026 12:12

Xmas2026dilemma · 27/08/2026 07:53

I know it’s only August but we ended up having an argument about this last night, so id like other views.

Mine and DH’s families both live 5 hours away in opposite directions. Normally we alternate each year between going to DM’s and my IL’s. DB and SIL live abroad and also alternate between having DM and SILs parents to stay, and coming home the year we are with DM so we are all together.

This year we’ll have our DD, who will be 10 months for her first Christmas. First grandchild on both sides (and only, unless we have more kids).

DH is adamant that now we have DC, we should stay home every year for Xmas with an open invite to family to visit us. We have space to host dinner but not for everyone to stay, so they will have to stay in a nearby hotel.

He feels that as we have the baby, other people should make the journey, and that he doesn’t want to spend our annual leave traipsing across the country when we should be relaxing.

The challenge is that his parents are difficult characters, and my DM has said she particularly doesn’t like his FIL (not many people do). We are not close but see them once or twice a year including alternate Christmases to keep the peace.

I’m not keen on staying home every year for the following reasons:

  • his parents would inevitably come every year, and I like having the break every other year
  • The year my DM spends with me would be miserable for her because she’d have to stay alone in a hotel then spend the rest of the time with people she doesn’t like
  • It essentially means an end to christmases with my DB and SIL - DD’s aunt and uncle. Understandably SIL wants to see her family at Xmas too (they are not far from my DM) so they wouldn’t travel here.
  • When at DM’s I normally see all my aunts, uncles, cousins (who have young children too) on Boxing Day. I would miss this and also don’t want my DD to miss out on that, especially as she will have no cousins of her own.

I had no idea DH would feel this strongly. My preference would be to have one year at home with IL’s visiting us, the next year going to DM’s and seeing my wider family as usual.

YABU - DH is right, now you have DC you need to cut down the travel and start creating your own Xmas at home

YANBU - it’s ok to still want to do Christmas at your DM’s, even if it means a long journey. You should alternate as a compromise.

By the time your little one is 3 you will be desperate for her to enjoy Christmas at home. You may even have a second child. My advice is to not start a tradition of going anywhere with your child at Christmas. Start as you mean to go on. Stay at home.

Collaborate · 28/08/2026 10:43

I'm with your husband on this. The child shouldn't be doing a 5 hour travel over Christmas, each way. Maybe alternate the grandparents so you'd see each of them every other Christmas, as you do now.

Eventmrs · 28/08/2026 10:27

Just remember your opinion carries just as much weight as his.
Who does he think he is dictating what you all should do?

Have a conversation and don't let emotions get in the way.
He wants to stay at home this year, fine.
But next year you go to your mums.
Then the year after you can stay at home again and the year after go to your mums.
Especially if his parents will come to yours anyway.

Joliloily · 28/08/2026 10:16

I agree with your DH. It’s time to stay in your own home and create your own memories. Keep it invite only though, so you get to decide who comes and when.

UnintentionalArcher · 28/08/2026 10:09

LiveLaughGoblin · 27/08/2026 08:01

We alternate the choice of what to do between the two of us, rather than specifying what we actually do.

So in ‘my year’ I could choose between seeing my family, staying home as a nuclear family (with zero invites to anyone), or something else. And on DP’s year he usually wants us to travel to see his family. Seems fair to me!

I like this approach. Fair and flexible!

DelphiniumBlue · 28/08/2026 09:39

I think if you can’t actually put your Mum up, and you want to see your DB and other family, then it makes sense for you to travel to where your extended family are. I don’t think it’s fair to expect your mum to stay in a hotel alone at Christmas.

BeardySchnauzer · 28/08/2026 09:21

But isn’t the point here that OP wants to spend Christmas at her mums when it’s her sides turn?

i find the christmases with extended family were far more magical than the ones at home just the 4 of us tbh

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 28/08/2026 09:18

I'd do one Christmas with each side according to the usual pattern, then focus arrangements on your child for the next few years after that.

Christmas is a season, and December 1st to January 5th gives you lots of time to see everyone - and I think that priorities for a toddler/young child need to take precedence over grandparents for about five years (2-7ish).

Member984815 · 28/08/2026 09:08

I'm with your husband, 🎄Christmas day at home with just the 3 of you , other days for visiting spread out over December. I don't agree you should be hosting anyone 😉

PermanentlyExhaustedPigeonZZZ · 28/08/2026 09:05

When we stopped visiting my parents over actual Christmas we started visiting early December.

I think it's important you see your extended family. I really like the idea of alternating who decides the plan rather than the actual plan.

ThePeppyOpalScroller · 28/08/2026 08:57

Xmas2026dilemma · 27/08/2026 07:53

I know it’s only August but we ended up having an argument about this last night, so id like other views.

Mine and DH’s families both live 5 hours away in opposite directions. Normally we alternate each year between going to DM’s and my IL’s. DB and SIL live abroad and also alternate between having DM and SILs parents to stay, and coming home the year we are with DM so we are all together.

This year we’ll have our DD, who will be 10 months for her first Christmas. First grandchild on both sides (and only, unless we have more kids).

DH is adamant that now we have DC, we should stay home every year for Xmas with an open invite to family to visit us. We have space to host dinner but not for everyone to stay, so they will have to stay in a nearby hotel.

He feels that as we have the baby, other people should make the journey, and that he doesn’t want to spend our annual leave traipsing across the country when we should be relaxing.

The challenge is that his parents are difficult characters, and my DM has said she particularly doesn’t like his FIL (not many people do). We are not close but see them once or twice a year including alternate Christmases to keep the peace.

I’m not keen on staying home every year for the following reasons:

  • his parents would inevitably come every year, and I like having the break every other year
  • The year my DM spends with me would be miserable for her because she’d have to stay alone in a hotel then spend the rest of the time with people she doesn’t like
  • It essentially means an end to christmases with my DB and SIL - DD’s aunt and uncle. Understandably SIL wants to see her family at Xmas too (they are not far from my DM) so they wouldn’t travel here.
  • When at DM’s I normally see all my aunts, uncles, cousins (who have young children too) on Boxing Day. I would miss this and also don’t want my DD to miss out on that, especially as she will have no cousins of her own.

I had no idea DH would feel this strongly. My preference would be to have one year at home with IL’s visiting us, the next year going to DM’s and seeing my wider family as usual.

YABU - DH is right, now you have DC you need to cut down the travel and start creating your own Xmas at home

YANBU - it’s ok to still want to do Christmas at your DM’s, even if it means a long journey. You should alternate as a compromise.

If they want to see you they will make the effort. If they aren't willing to make the effort, then they dont want to see you.

Simple.

Once you know their true feelings, you can then make a decision on how much effort you put into these relationships going forward.

Vickythevan26 · 28/08/2026 08:53

Our kids are now adults and my parents no longer around, but we always alternated, one year with my family and one with In-laws. We never, ever had them together, why is your DH insisting on that?

They generally came to us, esp my parents as they had a small house, but we sometimes went to In-laws larger house when it was their year. Whoever we didn't see at Christmas, we tried to see at New Year or for a day or 2 beforehand.

We never saw our siblings (who had similar age kids and similar arrangements) around Christmas time.

Why does your DH insist that he must see his parents every year? Now you have kids of your own, it is time to set your own arrangements, with both of you agreeing what you want as a nuclear family. What he wants doesn’t take precedence.

Youaregoing · 28/08/2026 08:50

We have Christmas day as just us. In-laws see us on Christmas Eve/before Christmas (they live in another county) and my family see us after Christmas (they live abroad).

As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I made it very clear that Christmas day will not be spent running around to other people.

Iloveeverycat · 28/08/2026 08:48

Mulledjuice · 28/08/2026 07:33

I hear this a lot and wonder how many women who say it are going to feel when their adult children "start their own traditions"

Show quote history

I have no problem with mine having Christmas on their own together when moved out especially with children. Its what I have done every year. I don't understand why parents expect them to come home at Christmas and get the hump if they don't.

Iloveeverycat · 28/08/2026 08:41

We have stayed at home every year just us since having children. We don't host either so don't have to worry about that.

Askingforafriendtoday · 28/08/2026 08:37

I think this will be a short term problem. the last thing kids want to do even at age 2, 3 is be draggged away from their home at Christmas so do Christmas at home, make your own memories. I'm with your DH. Offering to host dinner only is a good idea.
The 3 year rotation sounds good in principle and might work for a bit.

1ladybird · 28/08/2026 08:21

Xmas2026dilemma · 27/08/2026 07:53

I know it’s only August but we ended up having an argument about this last night, so id like other views.

Mine and DH’s families both live 5 hours away in opposite directions. Normally we alternate each year between going to DM’s and my IL’s. DB and SIL live abroad and also alternate between having DM and SILs parents to stay, and coming home the year we are with DM so we are all together.

This year we’ll have our DD, who will be 10 months for her first Christmas. First grandchild on both sides (and only, unless we have more kids).

DH is adamant that now we have DC, we should stay home every year for Xmas with an open invite to family to visit us. We have space to host dinner but not for everyone to stay, so they will have to stay in a nearby hotel.

He feels that as we have the baby, other people should make the journey, and that he doesn’t want to spend our annual leave traipsing across the country when we should be relaxing.

The challenge is that his parents are difficult characters, and my DM has said she particularly doesn’t like his FIL (not many people do). We are not close but see them once or twice a year including alternate Christmases to keep the peace.

I’m not keen on staying home every year for the following reasons:

  • his parents would inevitably come every year, and I like having the break every other year
  • The year my DM spends with me would be miserable for her because she’d have to stay alone in a hotel then spend the rest of the time with people she doesn’t like
  • It essentially means an end to christmases with my DB and SIL - DD’s aunt and uncle. Understandably SIL wants to see her family at Xmas too (they are not far from my DM) so they wouldn’t travel here.
  • When at DM’s I normally see all my aunts, uncles, cousins (who have young children too) on Boxing Day. I would miss this and also don’t want my DD to miss out on that, especially as she will have no cousins of her own.

I had no idea DH would feel this strongly. My preference would be to have one year at home with IL’s visiting us, the next year going to DM’s and seeing my wider family as usual.

YABU - DH is right, now you have DC you need to cut down the travel and start creating your own Xmas at home

YANBU - it’s ok to still want to do Christmas at your DM’s, even if it means a long journey. You should alternate as a compromise.

He chooses one year, you choose the next. Alternate that way. If wants to spend his home that’s fine and you all go to your home town your year or choosing. Fair.

HeyThereDelila · 28/08/2026 07:53

Agree with three year rotation or every other year at home then every other year at DM or ILs.

Don’t underestimate how exhausting it’ll be to do Christmas away from home with a baby, and all that travelling to do with mountains of gifts etc.

ACynicalDad · 28/08/2026 07:48

Travel for your family, host his family on rotation.

Swipe left for the next trending thread