AIBU to be upset my husband walked home instead of hurrying back?

I'm so sorry, OP.
I absolutely get it. I've been there, in very similar circumstances.
He may well have been stressed, tired & needing to decompress.
But fuck that.
Your Mum is dying. You should absolutely have been the priority here.
All you needed was for him to come home, hold you, and listen. Make you feel safe and loved.
Some men are useless when it comes to emotional support.
Day to day hou can learn to cope with it, but at times like this it's really tough.

I think it sounds like you were both tired and the situation is making you both unhappy. Losing anyone you love is so awful and exhausting and lonely. Let it go. Don’t hold on to how sad him being half an hour late made you, or how particularly bad timing the row was. Rest if you can’t sleep and tomorrow spend some time together. We’re all a bit rubbish sometimes. Give yourselves a chance to be what the other needs.

We'ren't you texting on the way home? I'd have said to DH "Are you going to get a taxi, I could do with a cuddle when you get in?"

He might be busy with work but I work full time and travel and there is no fucking way that I would spend forty five minutes arsing about walking home from the station at midnight if my MIL was seriously ill and dying and DH was upset. I'd be having time off work as I'd be in bits myself. If he's knackered from work and had a bad journey, how would he have the energy to walk anyway?

He sounds emotionally stunted or lacking empathy or he doesn't give a shit about you or your mum.

This.

You're worried and upset and its making you insatiable, I'm afraid. He could have got a taxi, but equally, if you needed a chat, you could have stayed up. You're also being inflexible here.

And picking up a previous point, not all companies do give compassionate leave for in-laws! He could always take some time off as sick leave though.

You're worried and upset and its making you insatiable, I'm afraid. He could have got a taxi, but equally, if you needed a chat, you could have stayed up. You're also being inflexible here.

And picking up a previous point, not all companies do give compassionate leave for in-laws! He could always take some time off as sick leave though.

@TigerJoy Him needling at you is not on. It sounds like he was looking for an argument, which is not what you need right now. 💐

I think him walking home was entirely reasonable in the circumstances. He is allowed to do something he enjoys after a hard week working away and if you are both trying to save a few quid its a no-brainer. If you'd explicitly said "please hurry home, I really need you here" then perhaps that would have been different but he doesn't actually have to set aside his needs and wants for yours at all times.

People also have very different responses to death and illness and its possible that DH doesn't understand the OPs needs around this if she hasn't explicitly stated them. He's not a mind-reader presumably? When my DB was dying I wanted to be left alone with my thoughts and to occupy myself in between hospital visits - i certainly would not have wanted someone rushing home to talk to me. Some people are also very fearful of death and would find the whole situation overwhelming and he might have been avoiding that. Hopefully now that OP has clearly and calmly expressed her needs the DH will be more of the support that she wants (although I still think walking home is acceptable).

Lastly - while I'm not married and don't really understand the concept, frankly - perhaps those that need a higher level of emotional support should look outside of their relationship for some of this? Friends, family, support groups are all possibilities to extend the circle and access the help needed. It sounds like DH has a very busy work schedule and isn't enough on his own for what the OP needs.

I would be upset too. You need him and he knows that. He's being very selfish. I think thus might snap things for me for good. Not just the walk but the whole thing.

I'm so, so sorry about your mum and sorry you haven't slept. I hope you have some other support.

This is just what I think. You will need to do you without influence but it might help to know that others would also be extremely upset: I'd tell your husband what you think of him and then ignore him and seek support elsewhere. You've got bigger emotions to deal with than letting him upset you too; his petty selfishness is nothing compared to that. He doesn't get to dominate that and hes making his choice now. I'd probably verbalise that too. And if he didn't change his behaviour (not putting me first at this time) that would permanently change my view of him.

Supporting a partner through the loss of a parent is part of the job.

I would feel a double loss. My mother is dying and my husband is making no effort to be there for me.

I had a phonecall to say my mother had died. My husband had been about to go the gym. The first thing he said was that he would stay with me.

That is how decent people behave.

Omg unreasonable, not insatiable!

It's times like this DH and I go into "emergency mode", especially after a situation like this. One of us will notice and realise we're in a hard and ongoing situation that's impacting our relationship, and says we need emergency mode.

For us, that means discussing what we both need and are struggling with. It means deciding together where we can loosen the purse strings to make things easier. It means we both try to check in more often with each other. And we prioritise a "date night" each week to try and step away from everything going on. That can just be a meal at home with nice plates and candles. A coffee out. A lunch walk.

I’m very sorry for your hard times, OP. I feel the same sometimes about my DH however I know he cares for me even if the execution of showing care may not be great all of the time.

I think sometimes people in our lives don’t purposely do things to jab or be against someone. I noticed from your post your DH asked what was wrong after he came home. That sounds caring to me. Truth be told, my DH doesn’t even go to that step. I’m unsure if there really is an issue here with your DH. All the best 💐

I think he should have made an effort to get back to you asap personally

Its a small thing but would have meant a lot given the circumstances.

As for having an arguement, if he can't see you are hurting and need comfort right now rather than getting into an arguement, then he's a bit dense.

It's not your husband's fault that your poor mum is dying. This is a terrible time for you , try to go easy on yourself and him. X

Does he check in with you when he’s away, or is he unavailable? Because basically he’s totally ignoring your emotional needs.

It may be worth changing your focus from individual decisions like walking from the station, to a broader ‘is he supportive’.

And did he pick a fight in order to avoid being supportive? And to avoid you asking for support in future?

it sounds like he was being an ostrich
and he knows it

Why couldn't you have talked on the phone as he walked? I usually walk everywhere I can - not to save money but because I like to keep fit and also find exercise to be good for my mental health - put simply I enjoy it and prefer not to be stuck inside a building or form of transport all day. In his shoes I'd have phoned you if I'd known you were awake.

Did he know you needed support? People often prefer to deal with strong emotions alone - he might have felt he would have been intruding.

I think you have a bigger problem here which is feeling uncared for, unsupported and not prioritised when going through one of the most challenging periods of your life, and knowing you will soon be grieving and likely will not even have him around to lean on. The walk was probably just a concrete example in your mind of how all the manifested and that is why you’re so upset. I really hope you have support from others at such a challenging time. Sending you lots of love x

Thing is ‘could possibly die in the next few days’ can mean anything from actually passing away quickly, to surviving for many months or years. Has the OP said how many times her mother has been in hospital? It may be that the elderly relative has given the family many such scares and the OP’s husband is now exhausted by this. He may have empathy burnout.

I had a phonecall to say my mother had died. My husband had been about to go the gym. The first thing he said was that he would stay with me. That is how decent people behave

To be fair to the OP’s husband, he may well have cancelled the gym too in that awful situation. That wasn’t exactly what happened to the OP though.

I agree. I don’t know why people are saying the OP should be empathetic about his hard day at work. Your mum dying and someone kicking off about e.g.project deadlines being missed are hardly comparable. And as for him needling the OP until she said what was wrong and then blowing up about it rather than just giving her a cuddle and letting her sleep makes it even worse.

I suspect he regularly has a hard time at work which means OP never gets to have any support and be the priority. I honestly don’t understand what some of you think marriage is about? If it’s not there for mutual support then it’s just sex and finances really which is pretty disappointing.

I’m so sorry to hear about your mum and I hope your other support networks are more helpful OP.

"We wouldn't have had very long to talk but we could have had a good 30 mins before bed. Instead I was upset that he prioritised his de-stress over talking to me. He is angry that I wasn't very nice to him when he got in. Instead of a nice chat we had a row and now I can't sleep (and really need it)."

Perhaps he is upset that you prioritized needing a talk and a hug over his de-stressing, and that's why he wasn't very nice to you. What's going on in his own life right now? How hard is his job? Realistically, how much has he got left to give? Is it possible he walked the 45 minutes home because he wanted to avoid that talk?

Do you have anyone else you can lean on aside from him? It's terrible about your mum; you yourself are going through the worst thing and really need support, but it doesn't sound like he can give it.

What was the alternative to him walking? Running, flying? Perhaps you could have picked him up?

Can we just get it straight what the husband knew about this situation; OP you say that by the time he got home- midnight - you'd normally be asleep. So I'm guessing it wouldn't be unusual for you to be asleep a mere half hour before that, which is what he's being dragged over the coals for. If there had been no communication that this night in particular was any different in that regard then it doesn't seem that heinous a crime for him to have walked back. You're both tired, stressed and upset and none of us are at our best in those situations. In time you'll see it from a different perspective. In the meantime I'd step away from MN because you're going to get a load of ridiculous suggestions that your husband not being a paragon of virtue is grounds for divorce, and you don't need that sort of nonsense right now.