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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU stepmom feeling pushed out

139 replies

notsureifimunreasonable · 26/08/2026 19:24

Stepdaughter (6) starts her second year of school tomorrow.

Mom and dad obviously want to be there, but I'm not welcome. Even though we have her most of the time, and I do most of the parenting. Been in her life since she was one.

It's not really an AIBU, because I know I am.

I know these moments are reserved for parents, it's just hard when you put in so much work (willingly, she's great - and I'm there more than DP with her) but don't get to be there for the special moments.

I know I'm being unreasonable, but any stepmom advice would be great 🥰

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 29/08/2026 10:17

notsureifimunreasonable · 28/08/2026 21:02

A bit mean.

Yes I'm her father's girlfriend, but also a(n almost) full time parent to a child (I love) but am not related to.

Show quote history

It's not mean, it's the truth. You're being exploited.

Apart from using you for childcare what does your boyfriend do for you? Does he pay you attention, take you on dates, notice if you're feeling down, cook for you, clean the house?

Purpleharlow · 29/08/2026 15:07

OtterlyAstounding · 28/08/2026 12:27

You sound obsessed with cuddling your partner's daughter, OP, you've mentioned it such a lot

Should this be genuine, then for her sake, I hope you and your partner don't split up. But given you have no legal relationship to her, you can't expect to be at parental events.

This.

I do think you’re being unreasonable OP.

Stop muscling in on someone else’s daughter.

Hankunamatata · 29/08/2026 15:24

Ultimately she has a mum.

I don't think step mums or dads should be at things like first day school or parents evening. Thats what parents are for

Nighthop · 29/08/2026 15:43

It only needs one person to drop her off at school anyway. If every child takes 3 adults you won't be able to move in the playground.
No teacher wants loads of adults gathered round the door.

Original poster

notsureifimunreasonable · Yesterday 20:57

Nighthop · 29/08/2026 15:43

It only needs one person to drop her off at school anyway. If every child takes 3 adults you won't be able to move in the playground.
No teacher wants loads of adults gathered round the door.

Ah no, compeletly understand that

OP posts:

Original poster

notsureifimunreasonable · Yesterday 21:01

Just by way of an update, it's her birthday next week and mom is going abroad on a girls trip. Not sure if it would be a popular opinion, but I think she should be around for that. They're only small once.

I'm over the school thing. At the end of the day, she has 3 parents who love her - and isn't that great.

OP posts:

Original poster

notsureifimunreasonable · Yesterday 21:04

Purpleharlow · 29/08/2026 15:07

This.

I do think you’re being unreasonable OP.

Stop muscling in on someone else’s daughter.

Show quote history

The school thing, completely accept I'm being unreasonable.

Muscling in though? I'm the most present and around of the three of us.

OP posts:

SlightlyTremulous · Yesterday 21:21

notsureifimunreasonable · Yesterday 21:01

I'm over the school thing. At the end of the day, she has 3 parents who love her - and isn't that great.

Honestly, OP, I think you should move your focus away from this child’s mother, and think much more seriously about why you’re doing all the childcare instead of the child’s father, who does not seem particularly pleasant or invested in the relationship.

Lemondressese · Yesterday 22:49

So you have decided to remain as free skivvy aupair for him and his ex?
That's a pity.
Ah well.
Good luck.

KitsyWitsy · Yesterday 23:11

I would not choose your life.

You are being used so hard and you are completely blind to it.

Don't fall in love with someone else's kid.

AppleDumplingWithCustard · Yesterday 23:45

2O26 · 28/08/2026 21:07

Aren’t you his common-law partner? You are not just his girlfriend.

Show quote history

There’s no such thing as a common law partner.

ThisIsJustShit · Yesterday 23:46

I'm over the school thing. At the end of the day, she has 3 parents who love her - and isn't that great.

I'm the most present and around of the three of us.

Look, I hope this works out for you but you're not her parent. You would have absolutely no rights if this all went tits up and they decided they didn't want you to see her any more.

They're using you. You're convenient, that's all. You're not on an equal footing with her parents - however you see yourself.

As long as you're going along with this understanding that, I wish you luck.

BudgetBuster · Today 00:17

notsureifimunreasonable · Yesterday 21:01

I'm over the school thing. At the end of the day, she has 3 parents who love her - and isn't that great.

Again, you're speaking negatively about her mother. Stop it.

Also, ahe doesn't have 3 parents. People actually thought they were getting through to you earlier in this thread. You are not a parent, you are being used as free childcare.

Anyahyacinth · Today 00:52

I don't think its encouraged to make first day at school a big thing AT the school...so that really was a non issue.

The fact your DP has arranged you as his parenting stand in ...is very concerning...I think you need to focus on your choices because this is a man not parenting his child. Buying into negativity about her Mum is a distraction...she too is probably glad of free childcare but hasn't vowed to love and value you...has she?

The kindness you are owed isn't from her...maybe she feels she did enough solo parenting a baby and now its DPs turn? He in turn has delegated to you

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