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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU stepmom feeling pushed out

139 replies

notsureifimunreasonable · 26/08/2026 19:24

Stepdaughter (6) starts her second year of school tomorrow.

Mom and dad obviously want to be there, but I'm not welcome. Even though we have her most of the time, and I do most of the parenting. Been in her life since she was one.

It's not really an AIBU, because I know I am.

I know these moments are reserved for parents, it's just hard when you put in so much work (willingly, she's great - and I'm there more than DP with her) but don't get to be there for the special moments.

I know I'm being unreasonable, but any stepmom advice would be great 🥰

OP posts:
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Anyahyacinth · Today 00:52

I don't think its encouraged to make first day at school a big thing AT the school...so that really was a non issue.

The fact your DP has arranged you as his parenting stand in ...is very concerning...I think you need to focus on your choices because this is a man not parenting his child. Buying into negativity about her Mum is a distraction...she too is probably glad of free childcare but hasn't vowed to love and value you...has she?

The kindness you are owed isn't from her...maybe she feels she did enough solo parenting a baby and now its DPs turn? He in turn has delegated to you

BudgetBuster · Today 00:17

notsureifimunreasonable · Yesterday 21:01

Just by way of an update, it's her birthday next week and mom is going abroad on a girls trip. Not sure if it would be a popular opinion, but I think she should be around for that. They're only small once.

I'm over the school thing. At the end of the day, she has 3 parents who love her - and isn't that great.

Again, you're speaking negatively about her mother. Stop it.

Also, ahe doesn't have 3 parents. People actually thought they were getting through to you earlier in this thread. You are not a parent, you are being used as free childcare.

ThisIsJustShit · Yesterday 23:46

I'm over the school thing. At the end of the day, she has 3 parents who love her - and isn't that great.

I'm the most present and around of the three of us.

Look, I hope this works out for you but you're not her parent. You would have absolutely no rights if this all went tits up and they decided they didn't want you to see her any more.

They're using you. You're convenient, that's all. You're not on an equal footing with her parents - however you see yourself.

As long as you're going along with this understanding that, I wish you luck.

AppleDumplingWithCustard · Yesterday 23:45

2O26 · 28/08/2026 21:07

Aren’t you his common-law partner? You are not just his girlfriend.

Show quote history

There’s no such thing as a common law partner.

KitsyWitsy · Yesterday 23:11

I would not choose your life.

You are being used so hard and you are completely blind to it.

Don't fall in love with someone else's kid.

Lemondressese · Yesterday 22:49

So you have decided to remain as free skivvy aupair for him and his ex?
That's a pity.
Ah well.
Good luck.

SlightlyTremulous · Yesterday 21:21

notsureifimunreasonable · Yesterday 21:01

Just by way of an update, it's her birthday next week and mom is going abroad on a girls trip. Not sure if it would be a popular opinion, but I think she should be around for that. They're only small once.

I'm over the school thing. At the end of the day, she has 3 parents who love her - and isn't that great.

Honestly, OP, I think you should move your focus away from this child’s mother, and think much more seriously about why you’re doing all the childcare instead of the child’s father, who does not seem particularly pleasant or invested in the relationship.

Original poster
notsureifimunreasonable · Yesterday 21:04

Purpleharlow · 29/08/2026 15:07

This.

I do think you’re being unreasonable OP.

Stop muscling in on someone else’s daughter.

Show quote history

The school thing, completely accept I'm being unreasonable.

Muscling in though? I'm the most present and around of the three of us.

OP posts:
Original poster
notsureifimunreasonable · Yesterday 21:01

Just by way of an update, it's her birthday next week and mom is going abroad on a girls trip. Not sure if it would be a popular opinion, but I think she should be around for that. They're only small once.

I'm over the school thing. At the end of the day, she has 3 parents who love her - and isn't that great.

OP posts:
Original poster
notsureifimunreasonable · Yesterday 20:57

Nighthop · 29/08/2026 15:43

It only needs one person to drop her off at school anyway. If every child takes 3 adults you won't be able to move in the playground.
No teacher wants loads of adults gathered round the door.

Ah no, compeletly understand that

OP posts:
Nighthop · 29/08/2026 15:43

It only needs one person to drop her off at school anyway. If every child takes 3 adults you won't be able to move in the playground.
No teacher wants loads of adults gathered round the door.

Hankunamatata · 29/08/2026 15:24

Ultimately she has a mum.

I don't think step mums or dads should be at things like first day school or parents evening. Thats what parents are for

Purpleharlow · 29/08/2026 15:07

OtterlyAstounding · 28/08/2026 12:27

You sound obsessed with cuddling your partner's daughter, OP, you've mentioned it such a lot Hmm

Should this be genuine, then for her sake, I hope you and your partner don't split up. But given you have no legal relationship to her, you can't expect to be at parental events.

This.

I do think you’re being unreasonable OP.

Stop muscling in on someone else’s daughter.

pinkyredrose · 29/08/2026 10:17

notsureifimunreasonable · 28/08/2026 21:02

A bit mean.

Yes I'm her father's girlfriend, but also a(n almost) full time parent to a child (I love) but am not related to.

Show quote history

It's not mean, it's the truth. You're being exploited.

Apart from using you for childcare what does your boyfriend do for you? Does he pay you attention, take you on dates, notice if you're feeling down, cook for you, clean the house?

Slightyamusedandsilly · 29/08/2026 09:47

If you're around long term, eventually, it'll be up to your step-daughter who she has in her life. I hope for her sake you are. You sound lovely for her.

UnNiddeRides · 29/08/2026 01:11

Bit much of a fuss about the start of a new school year. It’s not even the first.

Naurrr · 29/08/2026 00:38

2O26 · 28/08/2026 21:07

Aren’t you his common-law partner? You are not just his girlfriend.

Show quote history

There's no such thing, people (thankfully) have to opt in to getting the state involved in their love life, and if they want legal status, there are forms to complete.

Boyfriend or partner both just means legally single.

I don't think there's any advice for the OP. Her boyfriend is exploiting her and the kid will know neither parent wants her. Such a man is so repellent, not worth continuing dating.
Never allow anyone to rob your labour, time and emotions. Prioritise your financial security, buy your own home, enjoy life.

Lemondressese · 29/08/2026 00:21

Childcare is a fortune in ireland, if you can find it.
What are you doing.
No wonder he is using you.
You are saving him a fortune.

Are you taking your holidays and going home?
Watch him squawk when you do.

How many years have you provided free weekly childcare?
In ireland this is many thousands a year.
Do you seriously not realise this?
Has no one pointed this out to you?
You share livibg costs and provide free childcare?

Really OP, give your head a wobble.
35 and wasting your life being used.

Original poster
notsureifimunreasonable · 29/08/2026 00:14

MsPrufrockk · 28/08/2026 21:29

What country are you in?

Show quote history

Ireland

OP posts:
OtterlyAstounding · 28/08/2026 22:18

notsureifimunreasonable · 28/08/2026 21:02

A bit mean.

Yes I'm her father's girlfriend, but also a(n almost) full time parent to a child (I love) but am not related to.

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But you're not. You're an unpaid nanny. A parent has rights and responsibilities – you have neither. That lack of security isn't good for you, or your partner's DD. The fact that your DP doesn't even have parental responsibility himself is shocking.

MsPrufrockk · 28/08/2026 21:29

notsureifimunreasonable · 28/08/2026 21:08

No, he's on the birth cert but would need to go before a commissioner of the place to make it legal as they weren't married

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What country are you in?

CamillaMcCauley · 28/08/2026 21:17

wishfulthinking25 · 28/08/2026 21:10

Just seen this - he has as much parental rights as the mother if he’s on the birth certificate, whether they were married or not, I’m sure. Happy to be told I’m wrong by any solicitors!

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She’s not in the UK.

wishfulthinking25 · 28/08/2026 21:10

notsureifimunreasonable · 28/08/2026 21:08

No, he's on the birth cert but would need to go before a commissioner of the place to make it legal as they weren't married

Show quote history

Just seen this - he has as much parental rights as the mother if he’s on the birth certificate, whether they were married or not, I’m sure. Happy to be told I’m wrong by any solicitors!

TinaWarriorPrincess · 28/08/2026 21:10

notsureifimunreasonable · 28/08/2026 12:28

Mom is young and enjoys a certain lifestyle that doesn't take a boisterous child into account.

Dad works odd hours - but is there to be the 'fun guy'.

The more responses I get, the more ridiculous I feel.

I have a full time job, work around his kid, never see him... am I blind?

Show quote history

Yes OP, you are being taken for an absolute ride here. They both get to be Disney parents while you slog away in the background. What do you get out of this relationship?

Original poster
notsureifimunreasonable · 28/08/2026 21:09

wishfulthinking25 · 28/08/2026 21:07

I’m sorry you feel pushed out put your initial post made it sound like her father has the majority of custody but your comment says 3 days a week meaning her mother has her 4 days, so she’s not with you both majority of the time and also, she should be with her father for them 3 days not with you, and I’d be making that clear to him going forward.

I work from home 3 days a week. We have her 5.

OP posts:
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