AIBU to feel second choice when my mother spends Christmas with her husband?

Are they adults?

Most of us prioritise our children over our spouse when they are actual children but then they are adults and have homes and lives of their own things change.

If your husband would leave you alone on Christmas Day to go to your adult child’s house knowing you could not go as well because he puts them before you then I don’t see that as a good thing really.

But Christmas means something to her mum, and her mum wants to be with her husband to enjoy it. OP isn't the only real character in this play.

Say no! Find some hobbies and friends so you’re busy over the weekend. She’s happy to travel to you and use you for free accommodation for her weekends with her husband, but not happy to travel for Christmas? You do seem quite enmeshed though.

I think it’s important to note that some people are unable to drive due to health conditions.

Probably including doing a lot of stuff at Christmas she’d rather not have done.

Given mum’s husband doesn’t really seem to care about Xmas, mum’s choice does seems a bit hurtful.

She’s showing you who/what she’s prioritising. Listen.

She's prioritising her husband over her adult daughter . What's wrong with that?

Why isn't it just as hurtful that OP prioritises her animals over her mother?

She would have to be there xmas eve to boxing day, it's quite an expectation

YABU

You are a grown adult. Your mother has a husband and wants to spend Christmas with him.

This is good advice.

That is hearsay evidence, and inadmissible.
OP seems to have inferred his lack of botheration about Xmas by virtue of his being Muslim, but for all she knows he gets right into the swing of the jolly, warm, and twinkling vibe, as do many Muslims.

They can’t seem to win here op.

if they come to you they are ‘taking advantage’

you can’t go to them because ‘your pets are too expensive’

you don’t have any other friends it seems.

What do you actually want?!?

you need to broaden your circle to more than one person, because one person, especially one who wants to spend time with her husband (which is normal and the point of being married) cannot possibly fulfill all your entertainment requirements

Is it? For family? Mother and daughter? And hubby would mind that they had a few days together celebrating a festival that he’s not invested in?

Or we trust the OP knows him better than we do?

If he’s still working what a 12 hour shift, he’s not getting into it that much. Not enough to actually embrace the festival day off and spent it with family….

Because there is an element of practicalities there. Pet cover over Xmas can be very tricky. And it sounds like mother comes other times when it does suit her.

Yeah….. 🤷‍♀️

We don’t know the family history, dynamics, etc..

To be honest I can see why she doesn't want to come, if she also doesn't drive then getting there at Christmas will not be fun and if she thinks you only want her there for a few hours then it means she will be thinking about how she'll get home as well, my dad also spends Christmas with his wife and not me and my sister, I've always seen that as normal she is his family too and I have my own life with my own husband who I would probably be furious with if he left me and the kids on Christmas to go to his mum's.

What are you on about? Maybe he was off last Christmas and so is working this one. Or maybe he’s an A&E doctor.

For someone who would rather be at home with her husband, yes. 🤷‍♀️

And some people have actually been banned from driving. Or are too crap at driving to pass their test in the first place.

Also finances. People on mumsnet seem to assume everyone's got a spare couple of thousand knocking around to invest in driving lessons and a car, plus a space to park said car. Which, no.

My mum chooses her partner over me at Christmas too, but she's an atrocious cook so I'd rather make my own arrangements anyway.

Normally I’m a Read The Full Thread kind of person but I got up to the first comment by the ever-wise @MrsTerryPratchett and I’m done. It’s not just good advice for the OP, it’s what we all should be doing. Always.

Feel like I'm losing the plot reading some of these replies @CharlieChopadopolis

It's very hurtful, she's your mum and expecting you to spend Christmas day alone whilst her husband is at work is awful.

Can't understand people telling you to grow up and live your life.... Christmas is about family

I think all this airy waving away any reason Mr DM might have for wanting to be with his wife (just as she clearly wants his company) because his Muslimitude is a de facto exclusion order at Christmas according to a lot of people here, is bloody outrageous.

The two households are too far apart for easy visiting on Christmas Day, so a mini stay is necessitated, and neither is keen to be the visitor. Of the two parties, I think DM has by far the stronger case. By virtue of seniority of course, if nothing else. She has no doubt earned a relaxed Christmas, and dashing hither and yon does not appeal.

Her being held responsible to provide company for an obdurate adult daughter at the expense of her own (very naturally) preferred domestic arrangements absolutely appals me.
At some point as adults, there surely has to be a cessation of any expectation of parental duty in such non-urgent matters.
By any standard, it behoves OP to make the journey if she desires company. Not the other way around.

I think it’s positively indecent for people to be disposing of DM’s expressed preferences, to encourage OP in feeling bitter and aggrieved, and to rudely shove her poor stepfather aside as though he has no value, no place in this festival, nor any say in the matter in the first place.

.

Well said @Millytante. My dh is from another culture from me. The first time I met his family I went to his country and it was the day of a major ceremony. I’m just trying to imagine me saying that I wasn’t going to get involved with that because I’d never done it before. That’s just not what people do. Well, unless they are big old racists I suppose.

Feel like I'm losing the plot reading some of these replies @CharlieChopadopolis
It's very hurtful, she's your mum and expecting you to spend Christmas day alone whilst her husband is at work is awful.
Can't understand people telling you to grow up and live your life.... Christmas is about family

Her mother doesn’t ‘expect her to spend Christmas Day alone’. The op can go to her mother’s house but she won’t go. Christmas is about family, her mother wants to see her husband.

Why can’t you understand that people think the OP should grow up?