Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel ambushed into providing child care

136 replies

chasegirl · 24/08/2026 20:17

My ex brother in law has booked a holiday next week for a week. He is a single Dad to my nephew. He had child care sorter, I thought anyway. This childcare turns out to be a bit flakey so he has asked me if I can do a few days to help. It would mean staying at his house cos of their pets. I work full time and have a 6 day week next week. He didn't give ne any warning just turned up this evening to ask

OP posts:
SmolTiny · 25/08/2026 00:00

Your EX BIL?
EX??
No way would I get involved.

AmnesiacsDream · 25/08/2026 00:21

Why would you feel guilty that he would lose money?

Since it sounds like his request is something you can do, but will be a lot of hassle for you, whether or not I'd do it would depend on how good an ex-BiL he was to me. If he was always friendly and helped out when I needed it, invited me round to gatherings and was generally a positive influence in my life, then I'd probably help. If he only ever got in touch when he wanted something, then I wouldn't.

avonleabonbon · 25/08/2026 06:45

My mind is blown that you didn’t just say you couldn’t help you were working.

But aside from that, this kid is year 8. How rubbish for him on his first week back at high school he hasn’t got an adult- preferably a parent to care about his return to school. To ask how his day was, his new teachers, lunch, help with homework. Honestly screams mild emotional neglect of the part of his dad.

Shinyandnew1 · 25/08/2026 07:33

Mumtobabyhavoc · 24/08/2026 22:56

You say, Other parent not around. You mean your sister?
Does BiL have full and sole custody? Is he a lone parent?
I'd be taking that into consideration. Single parents seldom get proper breaks. Looks like he had it sorted then his own brother fucked him over last minute. I feel sorry for the boy, actually. I wouldn't want him feeling like he's a burden, a football getting tossed around, and would likely have him at mine whole week and tell BiL to put pets into kennel or cancel holiday. I'd then make it an amazing week for my nephew and get my 19-year old on board.

Edited

The OP said she is working 6 days next week. She can’t make it into an amazing holiday for him and nor should she have to.

I would be interested to know where the boy’s mum/OP’s sister is if he is singe parent. Has she sadly died and if so, when? The dad going on holiday without him seems particularly crap if this is the case.

AnotherForumUser · 25/08/2026 11:06

Shinyandnew1 · 25/08/2026 07:33

The OP said she is working 6 days next week. She can’t make it into an amazing holiday for him and nor should she have to.

I would be interested to know where the boy’s mum/OP’s sister is if he is singe parent. Has she sadly died and if so, when? The dad going on holiday without him seems particularly crap if this is the case.

But then then some posters would claim that the OP has to cancel her work/take a short notice holiday/resign. The nearest woman is to make the sacrifice so the bearer of the golden dick doesn't have to. Their tiny narrow minds are outraged by a woman working, earning and supporting herself, let alone making her own decisions about how she will spend her valueless time. How very dare she! It's always the woman they put under pressure when a child is being pushed to one side by the sperm donor, even more so when that woman is not a parent to the child in question. I guess for them the presence of a uterus makes a person an automatic nanny. The village, to them, is made up of happy handmaidens taking responsibility for any and every child.

ThatBreezyScroller · 25/08/2026 15:07

I would be interested to know where the boy’s mum/OP’s sister is if he is singe parent. Has she sadly died and if so, when? The dad going on holiday without him seems particularly crap if this is the case.

I have to disagree with this.

He is allowed to have time away from his child without feeling guilty.
That is even more the case if his DP died.

He is already doing the parenting 24/7 and I would never begrudge a single parent a few days break.

He had solid childcare in place but it fell through, which isn’t his fault.

I think he was rude the way he asked OP but it’s understandable why he would ask her if he trusts her with his child.

I would look after my siblings kids and if they ever died or weren’t involved, then I would still do it for their partner.

ThatBreezyScroller · 25/08/2026 15:12

AnotherForumUser · 25/08/2026 11:06

But then then some posters would claim that the OP has to cancel her work/take a short notice holiday/resign. The nearest woman is to make the sacrifice so the bearer of the golden dick doesn't have to. Their tiny narrow minds are outraged by a woman working, earning and supporting herself, let alone making her own decisions about how she will spend her valueless time. How very dare she! It's always the woman they put under pressure when a child is being pushed to one side by the sperm donor, even more so when that woman is not a parent to the child in question. I guess for them the presence of a uterus makes a person an automatic nanny. The village, to them, is made up of happy handmaidens taking responsibility for any and every child.

I’m not sure why you’re making it into a sex thing.

The parent who is a single parent, doing everything is a male.
The person who was supposed to be doing the childcare was male.
It wasn’t like he asked OP to do it from the beginning.

Either the boys mum cannot be bothered to be involved - not the dads fault.
Or she’s dead - so OP would likely be very close to her nephew.

Apart from asking OP face to face, the ex BIL has done nothing wrong.

Rainbowralph · 25/08/2026 15:27

So it’s your nephew, who is 12. Personally I would do it as he will be at school most of the time. It’s a bit sad he is not going on the holiday with his Dad but maybe they have already done something together over the summer. As a single parent he is allowed some time off.

Whammyammy · 25/08/2026 15:32

Say No. Problem solved

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 25/08/2026 17:49

squarecrow · 24/08/2026 23:57

I know right?

We have no idea what the holiday is for and why the child can’t go but don’t be so judgemental. He might have taken the child on holiday during the holidays and now has something planned without him for plenty of reasons.

squarecrow · 25/08/2026 17:51

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 25/08/2026 17:49

We have no idea what the holiday is for and why the child can’t go but don’t be so judgemental. He might have taken the child on holiday during the holidays and now has something planned without him for plenty of reasons.

Yes, you’re right, he sounds really responsible and sensible over all, so I don’t know why my mind went there. Thanks for correcting me.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 25/08/2026 17:53

SmolTiny · 25/08/2026 00:00

Your EX BIL?
EX??
No way would I get involved.

A child doesn’t stop being your nephew just because your sister is no longer around.

the dad is trying to find a solution. The op is not obliged especially if she can’t due to work but what if he hadn’t asked and the op had actually been able to and would have wanted to. If you don’t ask you never know. That said, if the op has work (or other plans) of course she cans say no.

greenpolkadot55 · 25/08/2026 20:17

why are you asking on here when you've already decided to do it

Wtafdidido · 25/08/2026 21:39

And you’re clearly the mug if you really believed he had child and pet care sorted. How come his pet care is out the window too? It’s one thing in the holidays if the kid can come to you but no way at short notice when you have to work and move j to his and look after pets and a child. Nope.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 26/08/2026 06:04

Wtafdidido · 25/08/2026 21:39

And you’re clearly the mug if you really believed he had child and pet care sorted. How come his pet care is out the window too? It’s one thing in the holidays if the kid can come to you but no way at short notice when you have to work and move j to his and look after pets and a child. Nope.

Do you always think the worst on people

likelysuspect · 26/08/2026 08:03

Wtafdidido · 25/08/2026 21:39

And you’re clearly the mug if you really believed he had child and pet care sorted. How come his pet care is out the window too? It’s one thing in the holidays if the kid can come to you but no way at short notice when you have to work and move j to his and look after pets and a child. Nope.

'the kid'

Its OPs nephew

Yep, theres that village again.

bittertwisted · 26/08/2026 08:08

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 25/08/2026 17:49

We have no idea what the holiday is for and why the child can’t go but don’t be so judgemental. He might have taken the child on holiday during the holidays and now has something planned without him for plenty of reasons.

I agree
adults are allowed a life outside being a parent
I absolutely love my BIL, and my niece. If my sister was no longer around I would jump through hoops to help him out

he is an accomplished amateur golfer and does have solo trips for his hobby

he’s a brilliant husband and father, he is not only those things

bittertwisted · 26/08/2026 08:15

AnotherForumUser · 25/08/2026 11:06

But then then some posters would claim that the OP has to cancel her work/take a short notice holiday/resign. The nearest woman is to make the sacrifice so the bearer of the golden dick doesn't have to. Their tiny narrow minds are outraged by a woman working, earning and supporting herself, let alone making her own decisions about how she will spend her valueless time. How very dare she! It's always the woman they put under pressure when a child is being pushed to one side by the sperm donor, even more so when that woman is not a parent to the child in question. I guess for them the presence of a uterus makes a person an automatic nanny. The village, to them, is made up of happy handmaidens taking responsibility for any and every child.

What a horrible, soulless, selfish take on life

I would help because I have empathy, I know how relentless life can be, and I have experienced the relief of another person male or female showing me the same kindness.
i judge on the circumstances, not the requestor’s sex
in fact my dad has done far more to help me out with children than my mum, he enjoys it more

bittertwisted · 26/08/2026 08:20

avonleabonbon · 25/08/2026 06:45

My mind is blown that you didn’t just say you couldn’t help you were working.

But aside from that, this kid is year 8. How rubbish for him on his first week back at high school he hasn’t got an adult- preferably a parent to care about his return to school. To ask how his day was, his new teachers, lunch, help with homework. Honestly screams mild emotional neglect of the part of his dad.

Speak for yourself
Why are children so babied on MN.
i would have thought my mum was insane if she was doing all
that when I was in lower 4th.
I got the bus to school and back and I would never have expected help with my homework

PrettyLittleRose · 26/08/2026 09:42

bittertwisted · 26/08/2026 08:15

What a horrible, soulless, selfish take on life

I would help because I have empathy, I know how relentless life can be, and I have experienced the relief of another person male or female showing me the same kindness.
i judge on the circumstances, not the requestor’s sex
in fact my dad has done far more to help me out with children than my mum, he enjoys it more

On the contrary, I agree with @AnotherForumUser Women are always railroaded into childcare, and care for the elderly, it's never men. Well, very rarely. Whenever either of our DC needed a parent, (when they were little,) the school/the childminder ALWAYS called me. It was always me who had to leave work and then had to make up my hours later on, or had to use holiday leave. DH was never contacted. Pretty much the same for everyone I know.

You will never (well, very very rarely!) see a man stepping up when it comes to care duties, (or being asked to do it,) when there is a woman who can be asked. You crack on with your 'empathy' and 'kindness' Women are starting to see the light now, and refusing to be treated like handmaidens, whilst the men do largely naff-all. If your dad enjoys looking after your children far more than your mum then good for him!!! He is as rare as hens teeth though.

Nothing horrible, selfish, or soulless, about refusing to be treated like a dogsbody and saying NO. Men have absolutely no problem whatsoever with saying no.

Some years ago my DH's dad died, and his mum was starting to hint about moving in with us. We had a 3 bed house and our 2 DC had a bedroom each and we had the third bedroom, and DH wanted her to move in and let the DC share a bedroom. I refused point blank. He worked full time, shift work, and I worked part time. (Did everything in the house, all the chores, life admin, domestic shit etc, and 90% of the childcare, so probably worked more hours than DH.) I refused because I KNEW I would be the one looking after his mother and waiting on her hand and foot. He said 'she's getting lonely though without my dad.' I said 'well bloody move in with her then!'

I didn't used to be so assertive then and I was pushed around more easily, and afraid to say no, but I dug my heels in with this. No WAY was his mother moving in. I would have ended up being her carer. (Not that she needed one as she was only in her early 60s and perfectly healthy! But she would have expected to have been waited on...) Moreover, he has 2 brothers, one was single and lived on his own 5 miles from their mother, and the other one was single too, and divorced several years earlier, and lived 10 miles from her... Both had 2 bedroom properties... Neither one of them was asked to take in the mother. No woman there see. Hmm

@chasegirl YANBU just refuse. Don't be a mug! #BeKind needs to fall off the planet honestly!

oh, p.s. DH's mum carried on living alone for some years and she was absolutely fine on her own. Didn't need to be mollycoddled and waited on hand and foot by anyone. As I said, she wasn't even that old and was in good health!

!

MrsVBS · 26/08/2026 16:36

Say no, it’s no more difficult than that, if he hasn’t sorted reliable childcare that’s his problem.

Blue44Lady · 29/08/2026 18:29

chasegirl · 24/08/2026 20:17

My ex brother in law has booked a holiday next week for a week. He is a single Dad to my nephew. He had child care sorter, I thought anyway. This childcare turns out to be a bit flakey so he has asked me if I can do a few days to help. It would mean staying at his house cos of their pets. I work full time and have a 6 day week next week. He didn't give ne any warning just turned up this evening to ask

Be honest. Tell him you can't do it.

LoyalShaker · 30/08/2026 07:12

It is very manipulative behaviour. It's very hard to say no when someone is in front of you asking a favour, giving you no chance to think about it. If you have agreed to do a few days, it will be difficult to go back on your word, but I wouldn't do the extra days he has added. He is taking advantage of your good nature. It is his responsibility to organise child care, not yours to provide it.

MNersSufferFromContextomy · 30/08/2026 08:21

Yes the default answer in this case is simply I can’t because I’m working and have a very busy week. Then he would move on and find someone who could do it, such as someone else he could pay money to.

No problem him asking, however, the people pleaser in you has struck! It would have been best to default “no, you are working and very busy@, then you could have thought about it without pressure.

If it is too much trouble, you will now need a very honest conversation about how busy you are and that he needs to arrange proper childcare with people who have the time.

Our family wouldn’t even ask as we all know how busy we all are are with work. The elders and those retired would like to be asked, or any of those who do not work full-time.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 30/08/2026 08:31

LoyalShaker · 30/08/2026 07:12

It is very manipulative behaviour. It's very hard to say no when someone is in front of you asking a favour, giving you no chance to think about it. If you have agreed to do a few days, it will be difficult to go back on your word, but I wouldn't do the extra days he has added. He is taking advantage of your good nature. It is his responsibility to organise child care, not yours to provide it.

But to organise childcare you need to ask people.

The op does not need to agree to but there’s nothing wrong in him asking. How else is he supposed to ask someone. What makes it manipulative? - he doesn’t know whether the op is able to and would want to do it unless he asks.

in terms of asking face to face, someone earlier criticised him for not doing that so you can’t win. He was probably desperate finding out that his childcare had fallen through at the last minute and that his trip that he’d spent money on and been looking forward to (don’t know if there was further significance to it) had fallen through.