Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my MIL if she wants a son to name she can go have one and not be engrossed on what I choose to name my son.

483 replies

TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 12:35

Hi all, this is more of a rant than anything because I’m honestly just frustrated.
I gave birth to my son at the beginning of August, and my husband and I have chosen his name together.

We’ve named him after my father with his middle name being my grandfather’s name. We’ve also given him a double-barrelled surname/name incorporating both mine and his dad’s names.

My family are absolutely thrilled. My dad in particular is over the moon and feels incredibly honoured that his grandson has been named after him.

I am born in 89, my name was old even then and I’ve grown into it I love it, I always get compliments on it or just people curious about it. DH has somewhat of an old name too. I was never going to name my child whether boy or girl something old fashion. If we had a daughter she would have been name Agatha.

The name itself is quite old-fashioned. Think along the lines of Hugo/Herbert, although it isn’t either of those. Personally I love it and think it’s the sort of name that will grow with him. It might sound very “old man” on a newborn, but I can picture it perfectly on him as a little boy, teenager and adult.

The thing is, my husband and I discussed the names at length and he has always been completely on board. We also deliberately decided not to tell anyone the name or even the sex before the birth. This is our first baby and we wanted to keep it completely to ourselves and just enjoy finding out when he arrived.

DH’s parents, however, are furious about the name. His mother mainly.

Apparently it’s “unfair” that we’ve used family names from my side and that they weren’t consulted.

MIL came round last night to check on us and, inevitably, the subject came up again.
I’ll admit I was probably snappier than I should have been, but after hearing yet again how unfair it all was, I told her: “he is my son I name him not you if you want a child to name to have on yourself” She was obviously offended and the atmosphere went very awkward. My husband did his best to calm things down.

Now I’m wondering whether I was completely out of order in how I said it.
I absolutely stand by the fact that DH and I are the only people who get to decide our son’s name. But perhaps I could have handled MIL’s feelings better, especially as I’m freshly postpartum and emotions are obviously running high.

OP posts:
Constantinoodle · 20/08/2026 20:37

Doubletroubledoubled · 20/08/2026 19:30

I’m a bit of a call a spade a spade person and that’s the sort of thing I might say if pushed, but I think that even if my husband had been fully on board my sense of fairness would not have let me go with using two names that were special to my family. No matter how much we liked them
Despite agreeing 100% that it’s for the parents to choose the names they want for their baby I can understand why MIL might be feeling a bit miffed in the circumstances, All the more so as it seems that the OPs family is not hiding its delight- a baby has 2 parents and doing what the OP and her OH have done gives the impression whether it’s intentional or not that one side of the family is being recognised more than the other.

Do you also think that when the vast majority of women take their husband’s surname upon marriage? That they are prioritising their husband’s family over their own? Do you think the husband’s family are lording it over the wife’s family then? Do you think the wife’s family have a right to be miffed in that situation?

Stinkybooks · 20/08/2026 20:41

@TwinklyPoster I think you contradict yourself in your op.
I was never going to name my child whether boy or girl something old fashion. If we had a daughter she would have been name Agatha
You had no plans to give your child an old fashioned name...... and then in the next sentance say if she'd been a girl you would have called her Agatha which is not a popular choice atm and is also very old fashioned.

Gemilo · 20/08/2026 20:49

TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 16:36

She is upset because we do not need her. She wishes we were desperate for money so she can hold it against us. Her eldest son returned to her ALL the money he’s even given her because he realised. Most of the gifts she’s tried to give baby we have said no, he doesn’t need expensive stuff. She doesn’t care about him she cares about what she can later use to say “oh I got him this that the other” buy him simple gifts or do not bother is what I’ve told her.

Are you sure you are old enough to have a child. You sound very immature.

TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 20:55

Stinkybooks · 20/08/2026 20:41

@TwinklyPoster I think you contradict yourself in your op.
I was never going to name my child whether boy or girl something old fashion. If we had a daughter she would have been name Agatha
You had no plans to give your child an old fashioned name...... and then in the next sentance say if she'd been a girl you would have called her Agatha which is not a popular choice atm and is also very old fashioned.

I already explained this. I couldn’t edit the original post. I meant that I was ALWAYS going to name our child and old fashioned name both me and my husband have quite old fashioned names.

OP posts:
TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 21:00

Gemilo · 20/08/2026 20:49

Are you sure you are old enough to have a child. You sound very immature.

1989 born old enough to have a child.

Old enough to make my own decisions and not be told what to do by a bitter old woman. One day I’ll be an old woman I hope I can take after the women in my family who have taught me that I have free will and I choose how to live my life same way my son will choose how to live his.

There might be a point in his life where I’ll disagree with his choices but as long as he’s does not commit crimes etc I won’t really care his life is his. At the moment he isn’t even a month old it’s safe to say my husband and I can make decisions for him he cannot consent to anything yet.

He might even change his name when he’s older. I will respect that it is his life not mine I can only give him the tools to make his own decisions and guide him while he is still a child he can’t even speak yet. For now it’s mine and DHs decisions not DHs mother who has 7 other grandchildren she can go try and control and disrespect their parents boundaries.

OP posts:
missipop · 20/08/2026 21:08

Sorry if this has already been said but I just couldn’t stand to be visited every day by anyone just after having given birth. To me this is what’s driving you mad, far more than the whole name thing. It makes me stressed just thinking about it. My daughter and I get on brilliantly but after she had given birth I always asked if it was OK to visit and assured her I would understand if she needed time alone just with her husband and their new baby.

Your MIL needs to text prior to visiting to ask if it’s OK and she needs to reduce her visits drastically. You need time to bond as a family without any interference from anyone. I can’t imagine anything worse than daily visits, particularly from someone you don’t get on with. It will be a harsh conversation that your husband has with her but it has to be done!

JacknDiane · 20/08/2026 21:42

Why did you start this thread op?
Did you expect everyone to agree with you?

FluffMagnet · 20/08/2026 21:46

TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 15:21

Why does she care and why should she care. Our son is happy and healthy that’s all that should matter to her.

Why is your father so thrilled? Why should he care? Why should any of your family care and be delighted that two of your family members have been "honoured" (the clue is in the word honoured).

You truly sound very unpleasant and determined to upset your MIL.

SixtySomething · 20/08/2026 21:47

TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 21:00

1989 born old enough to have a child.

Old enough to make my own decisions and not be told what to do by a bitter old woman. One day I’ll be an old woman I hope I can take after the women in my family who have taught me that I have free will and I choose how to live my life same way my son will choose how to live his.

There might be a point in his life where I’ll disagree with his choices but as long as he’s does not commit crimes etc I won’t really care his life is his. At the moment he isn’t even a month old it’s safe to say my husband and I can make decisions for him he cannot consent to anything yet.

He might even change his name when he’s older. I will respect that it is his life not mine I can only give him the tools to make his own decisions and guide him while he is still a child he can’t even speak yet. For now it’s mine and DHs decisions not DHs mother who has 7 other grandchildren she can go try and control and disrespect their parents boundaries.

‘bitter old woman’.
What is she bitter about? How old is she?You seem to have only bad things to say about her.
Is it possible she’s coming round such a lot out of a desire to help/ mend the relationship between you?

TFImBackIn · 20/08/2026 22:09

When I was pregnant I got my MIL talking about how she chose her children's names - she talked at length about it and enjoyed herself a lot. Then I said that I was looking forward to having that special time myself - she didn't have a leg to stand on.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 20/08/2026 22:13

Ultimately the choice of names is down to you and your DH. However, I think to be evenhanded I would either have chosen one name from each side of family for the first and second names or have chosen two names that did not belong to family members. Still, if your DH genuinely does not mind about keeping things balanced in this way, then that's fine.

0Thatsplenty0 · 20/08/2026 22:16

This thread is bonkers. Since when did people start consulting family members about what they're 'allowed' to name their baby? This MIL's own children don't even like her but yet OP is the problem? You have all taken part in a pile on for some strange reason.

Pineapplesonpizza · 20/08/2026 22:20

The baby's name is no one's decision but yours and your partner's. None of MIL's business.

However, it's very poor form, and a bit thoughtless, to give the baby both of his names from your side of the family. You will come to understand this one day.

Camomilecrumpet · 20/08/2026 23:09

BeRoseSloth · 20/08/2026 13:07

I was about to post this. Agatha is really old fashioned. The naming baby to honour relatives is also quite a dated practice isn't it?

Not really

clickyteeclick · 20/08/2026 23:14

Catza · 20/08/2026 12:40

Sometimes people just need to be told straight how it is. I wouldn't worry about it. She will live.
But do take my comment with a pinch of salt because I am from a culture where we don't constantly tip toe around other's feelings at the expense of our own wellbeing.

Wished I’d stood up for myself so early on, would have saved a lot of stress and ill feeling on the long run. Better to do it now and blame it on hormones and tiredness than when they’re teenagers 😂🙋🏼‍♀️. Good for you I say, set your stall out early doors.

shhhh2025 · 20/08/2026 23:24

You just come across as a really unpleasant person

TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 23:28

JacknDiane · 20/08/2026 21:42

Why did you start this thread op?
Did you expect everyone to agree with you?

I think I prefaced this by stating that it’s a rant you’re not obligated to agree that wasn’t my intention sorry

OP posts:
dinoderry · 20/08/2026 23:29

You are spewing so much hatred and resentment towards a woman who has irritated you over her criticism of a name? The level of vitriol you have towards your MIL is alarming.

Threatening to not let her see her grandchild ever again because of a fb photo is unhinged. Stop using your child as a weapon to punish and control others. Try being a bit more measured.

Girlintheframe · 20/08/2026 23:40

Gosh can’t believe this thread is still going! You keep saying how much you don’t care but obviously you do, if you didn’t you would have let this go and moved on by now. If she is so insignificant to you then just drop
it. Nothing can be worth this much angst 3 weeks post partum. Honestly just let it go and enjoy being a new mum. Let your DH deal with his MIL and maintain whatever boundaries you both want to keep.

TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 23:41

SixtySomething · 20/08/2026 21:47

‘bitter old woman’.
What is she bitter about? How old is she?You seem to have only bad things to say about her.
Is it possible she’s coming round such a lot out of a desire to help/ mend the relationship between you?

Bigger than my husband is the only one that is somewhat still in contact with her. Bitter then even her own family and the children she supposedly raised would rather suffer then ever ask her for anything. She’s the one that has ruined her relationships. I didn’t go into this marriage wanting to be friends with her at all. I went into this marriage because I love my husband and I love each other. He’s aware I don’t really want much contact with his crazy mother. She’s 76 my mother is only couple years younger than her and they’re vastly different. I think it’s because my mother actually had a career. Then again my all my siblings and I actually love our mother because she shows us actual love by respecting our boundaries and understanding that no means no we aren’t babies we are grown adults who can make our own decisions.

She isn’t coming over to help she’s coming over because she thinks she’ll have some sort of relationship with my son. He has 4 grandparents we aren’t desperate for a judgemental 5th. I’ve told her to go volunteer etc she should have used her younger years to gain some skills have a career etc. I don’t feel sorry for her at all I used to. She finally met her match now she tries to pretend she wants a relationship I do not. My life will be the same if she disappeared. DH has spoken to her because he is sick of the judgement. Imagine judging a father for taking 3 months off work to spend with his wife and newborn baby she’s just bitter. Crying because we’ve told her multiple times not to post our son on Facebook. Get a grip a child cannot consent she seems to not understand the concept of consent. As she has been told if she wants to have a say she can go have her own son since the ones she has will never care about what she has to say she won’t be doing that with our son her opinion will never matter.

OP posts:
TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 23:45

Girlintheframe · 20/08/2026 23:40

Gosh can’t believe this thread is still going! You keep saying how much you don’t care but obviously you do, if you didn’t you would have let this go and moved on by now. If she is so insignificant to you then just drop
it. Nothing can be worth this much angst 3 weeks post partum. Honestly just let it go and enjoy being a new mum. Let your DH deal with his MIL and maintain whatever boundaries you both want to keep.

I mean I have just had a baby yet I’m constantly being bombarded by her. She’s not helpful at all gets in the way essentially just a waste of space. Thinks it’s okay to not respect the boundaries we have set. I do care of course I would ideally like her out of my life baby has 4 grandparents he’s not missing out by not having a random one that doesn’t care about him just wants to use him.

OP posts:
TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 23:49

My husband and I do wish there was something we could do so she never thinks to speak to us again or contact us again. Nothing seems to work. Even the comment I made DH thought she would just leave but nope instead now she’s apologising it’s all too much for me. DH feels sorry for her I used to but my patience is wearing thin having a child gives you courage. We would just like to protect our child instead of being manipulated and told that she hates life etc so we feel sorry for her.

OP posts:
Floppyearedlab · 20/08/2026 23:51

I am amazed that someone who has a 3 week old baby has time to be hanging off Mumsnet for an entire day updating a post! Or would even want to!

(Counts the minutes until I get a knee jerk comment for this post hahaha I bet under 5 minutes)

TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 23:51

If anyone has experienced this and managed to convince their MiL to leave them alone I’d appreciate any tips. She’s relentless

OP posts:
TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 23:53

Floppyearedlab · 20/08/2026 23:51

I am amazed that someone who has a 3 week old baby has time to be hanging off Mumsnet for an entire day updating a post! Or would even want to!

(Counts the minutes until I get a knee jerk comment for this post hahaha I bet under 5 minutes)

Edited

Baby sleep a lot and is all in all a chill baby doesn’t fuss to much what’s there for an almost 3 week old to do. First day without DHs mum “popping in” I can actually chill.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread