To tell my MIL if she wants a son to name she can go have one and not be engrossed on what I choose to name my son.

I didn't know you had a weight system in place for name balances.

I have three children, two of them have a family name each (DPs surname and a middle name from my side) and one child with a middle name and surname from DPs side. I have made that clear. It's really not so unbalanced. The middle name of DS being after DPs grandfather was my idea.

Obviously I could have double barreled the names, but it would have been a last name neither of us liked. Plus as much as I could have invented any surname for my kids, and so can my kids when they have kids, it's easier to incorporate single names into something nice. That's how I feel.

If I had double barreled the names then there's still an imbalance and then both of us would have disliked the sound of the surname. Why is that better?

Last names are used considerably more than middle names. So, arguably, your imbalance is greater than theirs.

The sentence was I wouldn't have felt okay about having one child with such an imbalance. I’ve done the opposite of honing in on one word or sentence and addressed the entirety of That said I would have made sure to honour people from both sides of the family. All my children have their father's surname (not mine) first names we chose together and the middle names are from grandparents on both sides. I wouldn't have felt okay about having one child with such an imbalance. In fact our PFB DS is named after DPs grandfather because I really wanted his parents to feel included, they'd recently moved abroad and his mother was struggling with being away from us. That’s very much weighted towards your DH/his family.

Also, all names can be double-barrelled and it doesn’t give kids fewer options, as they - like you - can choose to do whatever they want when they have kids (use one from each parent, like millions of Spanish speaking people; go with a full set; choose an entirely new name). They’d have all the options you had, plus more. You didn’t want to, so you didn’t. That’s fine.

Except I didn't say that I wouldn't be okay with any imbalance at all, I said with "such an imbalance" so like when every name comes from one side of the family.

You've really honed in on one of the words I used, and not the sentence I put it in or the wider explanation.

Our names are too long and too similar to double barrel btw, and then when they have their own children it gives them fewer options.

The only way to avoid that imbalance is to double barrel, which has its pros and cons. However, I don’t have an opinion on what you should have done. Not the point of my comment.

Again, I’m pointing out that you said you wouldn’t be okay with an imbalance, then went on to describe an imbalance, which you’re okay with. I’m not saying you’re wrong and that you should have done X instead. I’m just inviting you to reexamine your position.

But if they had my last name that would also have been an imbalance. Do you think we should give them all different names?

And your kids have your DH’s last name. That’s a massive imbalance. Nothing pedantic about it. And you don’t think that’s eyebrow raising.

I don’t think I’ve been antagonistic, but you seem oddly worked up that I’ve pointed that out.

Oh and I said "such an imbalance" if you want to be 100% pedantic. I'm not suggesting that all honouring of families has to be entirely split down the middle and that any deviation from that is absolutely wrong. OPs family were represented in all of the child's names, even the least sensitive ILs might raise an eyebrow at that.

I'm sorry, I should have been more specific about what the parameters are in which I think an imbalance is okay. Is that better? I can do you a list of other caveats if you need?

And I also said it was your choice. You’ve both made choices. I’m pointing out that you said you wouldn’t be okay with an imbalance, then went on to describe an imbalance, which you’re okay with.

The fact that you think your imbalance is different because (insert reasons) doesn’t change the fact that it’s an imbalance. OP also has reasons why she thinks their imbalance is fine.

I said in the first line of my first post that it was OPs choice, but you have to see the difference in me trying to include people who are less involved and OP literally telling her MIL to have her own kid? It's the weaponising of children that I object to.

You're looking at these decisions as if they are without context.

All totally your choice, obviously, but you’re essentially agreeing with me. You’ve described an imbalance in your DH/his family’s favour. And you’re apparently fine with that, but not the reverse.

OP's MIL pretty much pushed herself out of her child's life when she employed nannies to look after him and then sent him to boarding school at the age of 8. That certainly doesn't scream doting mother to me.

Studies show that being sent to board school at such a young age can have a life-long negative impact on these children.

Oh so it's just the surname? With regards to that, that DP has a sister who is childless by choice. He felt a duty to carry on his family name. I have three siblings, there are loads of little people running around with my surname. It's not so important to me. We did have a discussion but it's not something I care about massively. My parents divorced when I was young and my mother changed back to her maiden name decades ago. It's not a big deal to me.

All my children have their father's surname (not mine)

That is the ‘imbalance’ to which I was referring.

I have three DC, all three have middle names after family members, two are mine and one is DPs.

The difference is that we named DS to include people who were distanced by circumstances by having recently moved abroad. I wanted my inlaws to know their side of the family mattered to us. My DM was over the house all the time, and taking DS for walks, reading him stories. All the things MIL would have loved to be doing. I did all I could to make it as even as possible, I even planned DS's first solid food to happen on a trip to PIL's, and I let MIL feed him it.

I want, and am lucky to have, a large doting family for my now teen/tween kids, and that has involved compromise and empathy, trust and good faith. Would they do things differently to me sometimes? Yep. Did it matter in the end? Nope.

this might be part of bigger picture of your relationship with your MIL? Did you not maybe think using only your male family names might be a confirmation of your determination to double down on an existing sore? Has there not been a string of these kind of strops between you? If she can just come round then she’ll be near enough to call on for childcare and other help…your husband and your child need you to not have a war on the front.

Yes, I’ve noticed that op clarified that on updates. Thanks.

i think there must be a certain demographic that likes these types of names.

the way you speak about people I'm not surprised that she doesn't like you. I'd be more surprised anyone does.

You must be so fun at parties.

Er... she has written rather a lot of them. I agree I did miss this detail, although I have read all her numerous posts. I still can't understand what you're so worked up about. You 'can't abide' people missing a detail? How on earth do you get by on MN? You must be in a permanent rage.
My opinions may be 'utter bollocks' in your view, but I'm still entitled to them and they happen to coincide with a large number of other posts.
In fact, I think this is the worst example of MIL bashing I have ever seen from the very many I've read on MN.

If I remember rightly she was a ‘medium’ who became a bit of a celebrity in her older years. I haven’t heard that name for many years.

Flossie is pretty bad and is more suited to a rabbit, Tabitha is lovely. Nothing wrong with Agatha. Allegra I could take or leave. Anyway, that is my two penneth 😁

Not at all. I can't abide people who don't read the OPs posts before commenting utter bollocks though

I have no idea who Doris F…..g Stokes is. You seem very upset about it. Can I guess you don’t like older women?

Why would you assume she is widowed, when the OP has said repeatedly that she gets on great with FIL and StepMIL? Who do you think she is, Doris Fucking Stokes?