To not take step kids on my holiday?

As the “crazy ex” who gets the blame for the poor relationship between my children’s father and I, I do have a tendency to be skeptical of “crazy ex” stories (I should add though that I have never done anything like the various things your husband’s ex has done).

I do think your husband’s level of involvement with his kids is a bit of a shame and have to raise an eyebrow at the suggestion that reorganizing his life to be closer to them would necessitate a drop in child maintenance. A decent dad would prioritise finances better than that.

I can also understand the frustration of seeing a parent drop money on his new partner, overseas trips, expensive presents etc, while the kids get second-tier treatment, though that doesn’t necessarily sound like that’s the case here. Perhaps camping holidays vs a tour of the States looks different to the kids and ex though.

In this situation I don’t think you were unreasonable to not take the kids, but I do think you were unreasonable to drop a surprise change of contact and not tell them where you were. The right thing to do, if you were concerned about a disruption to your trip, would be to give them and their mother a heads up on the way to the airport, explaining that you would be away for three weeks from that day and you had arranged for the extended family to be available for childcare.

Yes, maybe she would have decided to keep them instead of sending them to their cousins but as their parent that’s fairly reasonable.

I don’t think it was wrong to go on the holiday without the children but the communication around it to them was poor. They and the other parent should know that their dad is out is of the country for that time.

YANBU. I was all prepared to tell you that you are a terrible person because I thought it was going to be another one of those “I wanted to take ours but not theirs” threads and then I read that you went on an adults only trip with no children. That is fine!

There are reasons (or in your words - excuses) for their actions and I’ve stated them.

Whether you agree with them or not - is a different matter.

How is the whole context irrelevant 😆

My sister has step children, my parents would always include them, when she married her husband they became part of our family

What strikes me most on this is how you and your family do not consider your husbands children part of your family. I don’t think you should have married him.
Most parents use all their annual leave to be with their children, I think a week and I would have had more sympathy but three weeks leaves what, another 1-2 weeks at most in the whole year to spend time with them?! Why didn’t he just come for part of the time to make sure he didn’t miss out on his weekend with them or being able to take annual leave to spend time with them?
Also lying to them is just crazy, he is risking his relationship with his children as well as his ex

This
if it was his family I’d understand but why would your family want to entertain 2 kids that are nothing to do with them

his ex sounds like a right moaning Minnie, let her crack on with it

If you paid for the flights then no-one gifted you a holiday. You went on holiday and your wealthy family paid for some events while there.

I was very on your side until this

When a story is this 1 sided it's usually a lie.

I suspect there's a lot you don't know about why he doesn't see them.

How long have you been married?

Nothing wrong at all with not taking them on the holiday, but not telling them about it and letting them know they'd be spending the weekend with relatives instead was appallingly selfish and thoughtless
And then telling them about it whilst aware it is making them envious...

I find it quite astonishing that some posters seem incapable of showing any empathy for these children.

You are a human though right, with relationships with other humans? And it didn't cross your mind that your step-children might be upset at not seeing their dad when they expected to, and had likely looked forward to seeing him given they don't spend that much time with him. That either means they have a very poor relationship with him and aren't fussed about seeing him, or you and him are just very thoughtless people.
Nothing wrong at all with not taking them on the holiday, but not telling them about it and letting them know they'd be spending the weekend with relatives instead was appallingly selfish and thoughtless.

I think you're fine in this situation, at least partly because you don't also have kids so there's no blurry sibling line of taking some fo his kids but not others. It's an adults only trip, parents would do that even if the kids were both if theirs (not us but that's because our kids are very hardcore and we've no-one really able to have booth for more than a single very planned overnight)

There's a difference in a couples trip and a trip involving siblings. Also your family paid. How long have you been married and how often does he have them?

@2O26and @QueenietheGreat- this is one of those threads where you need to read all the posts cos the problem detailed in the op wasn’t actually the problem

Like I said in an earlier post - when you are dealing with highly volatile people - the actions you take - may sometimes be less than ideal
This is such poor excuse. If you truly believe that the other parent of your children is damaging them, then you make absolutely certain nothing you do affects them negatively.

His actions were volatile, and likely not the first instance of it. Does that then excuse the mother for acting volatile?

Actions less than ideal....we are talking about children here, not a work meeting that has gone a bit wrong.

There ARE no excuses for his selfish actions that only benefited him and OP at the detriment of his kids.

Since your family paid for trip, they likely expected it to be just you and DH visiting them and the relatives. Bringing the step kids along would upset your family.

@Westcountrygal
YOUR FAMILY paid for you and husband
The ex is kicking off because you didn't take HIS CHILDREN.
Why should your family have paid for non-blood children who aren't yours?
Your husband should've said NOTHING and
The ex should learn the meaning of the words "assumed entitlement"

Like I said in an earlier post - when you are dealing with highly volatile people - the actions you take - may sometimes be less than ideal.

If you haven’t dealt with a high level of toxicity- it’s easy to judge.

If this was a normal Co-parenting relationship - no I would not consider it good parenting.

However, based on the behaviours OP has highlighted - I can totally understand taking that action.

What - the husband who didn't think to tell his kids he was going away for 3 weeks and instead just sent a relative to collect them on his weekend? He sounds like a shit dad, or at the least a very thick one.

@RisingSunn, it's irrelevant, OP has indeed written herself that the kids found out on the day and instead of him, his sister was there.

Do you think this is good parenting?

What are you on about? Details - as in exact location, the people they are spending time with etc.

He most likely kept it vague.

Are you the same person who has another post up about taking your 2 kids to Disney, but not your husband's two kids from a previous marriage, and his ex wife has kicked off and demanded you come home early to look after their kids? Too many similarities.

And OP herself said the kids were showing they were a bit envious. You're either envious or your not. So she could tell they were envious, but dad thought there was nothing of telling his kids about something seeing it made them envious...

And yet some posters can't see what shit parenting that is!

How long ago was the trip, you said it was term time so I take it not to recently, why did he tell them?
Did he miss his planned contact with them because he was on holiday. Does he ever treat them to days out/holidays or has he been cutting back on treating them to have spending money for your holiday?
If so I can see why his ex reacted this way, she’s probably dealing with two upset children.