AIBU to ask my sister to move out now?

Could you perhaps frame the conversation as you don't think your house is doing her any good (which is probably true).

It's not helping her to move on because it's very temporary and with such a busy family life you don't have the time to spend with her that would help her, which is surely the reason not to go home.

So at the moment she's sitting with the worst of all options and it's not wonderful she's struggling.

I can appreciate your dilemma as it seems your sister is still very distressed if she's not eating and off work sick. Maybe frame it that she needs to spend a little time at your parents to give your DC some quality time with their parents over the school holidays, and ask her to move there this weekend. Then just don't allow her to move back in once the holidays are over. I'd also keep strongly encouraging a visit to the GP to discuss her mental health. Her work may be sympathetic at the moment, but it may not continue much longer.

I think it’s time for a nice diplomatic’what do you want to do now?’ kind of talk. It’s not going to be easy because she just wants him but hopefully her own place with some calm and her own space to refind herself might sound like something that’ll help her.

Ahh your poor sister, what a horrible time she's going through.
You sound like a lovely sister and she's really lucky to have you and your parents.

Two months without seeing any change from her initial devastation is a lot to cope with.
I'm assuming you want to go about this sensitively and in a way that doesn't make her feel unwanted.

Could you try and make her see how fortunate she is (in a way) that she has the opportunity to start renting somewhere just for her, and maybe get her excited to get her own things, and go shopping together for house stuff, maybe mention having a sister sleepover at hers when she's settled. How would she react if you were a bit m for blunt and said "Right, it's time we get you sorted. Let's make a plan" so she doesn't think she's doing it all alone and you're there to help?

Or say you thinking parents are worried and want to look after her for a bit and help her decide what to do?
Or ask her outright, so what are your thoughts about going back to the house, let's get the ball rolling and get you back on your feet.

Agreed some antidepressants and therapy might help her. She's clearly devastated.

I wouldn't hide behind excuses because she might see through it and that'd hurt more. Kind honesty would be better. Tell her you love her, always here for her, but the kids need normality back before school starts again.

But she's not sick. I've been very blue at the end of a relationship, and I speak from experience when I say neither her work nor you are doing her a favour by enabling her not to have to live her actual life. This holiday in misery will go on until wiser minds put a stop to it. You can't control her work, but you can make her go and live in her own place and get on with sorting out the end of her relationship.

Jen Hamilton is going through similar to your sister..she might be worth a follow for your sister

This post recommends 3 books OP

https://www.facebook.com/reel/26756906823987207

Worth showing your sister there is a community out there for her

I feel sorry for her but she's being unreasonable. I wouldn't expect this highly depressed/paralysed stage to last more than 2-3 weeks. If she won't even distract herself by going out with you after 8+ weeks she needs to see her GP. Yes, it's hard but she has to start doing stuff not just sit around grieving. That includes finding alternative accommodation. You will have to bite the bullet and tell her.

I think this would be good. She's obviously feeling very down and you don't want to be another person 'dumping' her but it's going to affect your relationship if you start to resent her. Maybe you were planning on redecorating your spare room or have other visitors coming?

Has she moved out yet?

I think you need to be honest with her before it damages your relationship permanently. You need to explain to her that you are always there for her, she is welcome to visit and stay on the occasional weekend when invited but you would like some time alone with your husband and children, and you would like her to move out. I don’t think it’s unreasonable or unfair. I do think it’s unfair to put you and your family through all the trauma and upset of this. She is an adult and needs to start dealing with this on her own.

I agree with others that it would be a good idea to ask your parents to intervene. You have alot going on and your children are your primary responsibility. Your parents will have more time to support her and they clearly want to, which is great. She probably just can't face packing up and moving in with them, but everyone can help her.

Good point about her house insurance possibly no longer being fully valid.

She sounds very fragile, poor thing. Could you ask your DPs to come over and actually tell her she needs to move in with them so you and your family get their home back. They'll have to be quite firm with her.

I think you will have to ask her to move out and give her a deadline to do so. She has options, such as going back to the family home so it's not like she will end up homeless or sofa-surfing with friends.
I think your parents should intervene too and really she should be at te GP if she's not able to eat.
She cannot stay at yours permanently but also you haven't been clear about the timescale because you said she could stay there "for a bit". So now is the time to make the timescale clear.

You have unwittingly enabled the situation by not setting a clear time frame for’ moving on’ no wonder you have a resentment
try to think of action you can take ‘sofa-surfing is technically‘homelessness and maybe increase chances of getting a council housing association place maybe you could get some leaflets etc for her and find out what help is available with the housing search she may be able to get financial support dependency is not good for any of you I would make a list of action and get on with it this is not kindness you are opening a whole can of worms for your family if you aren’t decisive!

OP you say her husband has moved out, so is her house standing empty?
Doe she have any children?

You have given her amazing support understand you feel for her and dont want to see her hurting but she has massively outstayed in your family home.
She can't wallow in someone else's home forever sounds like she has totally gone into herself .
She needs a wake up call and some home truths if its over its over and she needs to go back to her own home and stsrt the process of divorce by staying with you she is running away from it all she has to face it .

I do feel for her. She's clearly been absolutely knocked for six by this and two months isn't very long to come to terms with having to make a new future for yourself. But she can't stay in this stasis. She needs to see a GP to help her deal with things - does she have a mental health helpline through her CS job? Maybe you could suggest that she use that in the first instance?

And I agree with pp who suggested getting your parents to speak to her and point out that she can't continue to lean on you - you have your own life. She needs to go home to them (I absolutely understand her not wanting to go back to the marital home) so that you can pick up your own normal life.

What an awful situation..it is very hard to understand unless you've been betrayed like this how deeply harmed you are. It has added stigma and embarrassment too. It can feel frightening to be alone, frightening to be confronted by familiar things..just so painful.

I think you'll just have to tell your sister you need your family life back but also encourage everyone you can to rally around her. It's a really dreadful thing to experience.

There are communities on line of people who've been through it ...that can be very healing ...seeking recommendations for those might really help your sister accept she must begin to rebuild.

Hi op very awkward situation for you and your family. Could you suggest she goes home or to parents at weekends so you can have some family time. Then once she’s gone she might realise being out of your house is better for her. Otherwise it’s tough love for sister as her life won’t get better in your home and I’m sure she can always come and visit you might have to honest with her.

She is a grown woman and needs to act like it if she needs the gp she needs to go

Yes she needs to leave like adults do they work things out for themselves

From a practical point of view, her house insurance may be invalid if it’s not being lived/slept in and if the taps etc are not being used and things flushed, leaks often happen.
if she’s sociable suggest she has friends over at hers to stay, also tell her what your kids have noticed and are asking questions.
you need your space and she needs to face her future. If she’s not moving back in she needs to let it out and get her own rental and the house on the market
can you tell her you’ll go and sleep over one night a week then Spread to once a Fortnight etc

If she keeps her head in the sand whilst ex to be DH sorts out the divorce she could be well and truly ripped off - and lack of finance seriously effect the rest of her life.

Have your parents talk to her. They can surely say to her “look you need to leave your sister to get on with her life and come and stay with us”
They don’t have to say you told them to say it.