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Original poster

AIBU to install cameras because I suspect my husband is hiding affair?

260 replies

Lovingmynewlifestyle · 04/08/2026 19:48

I need a little help. I have a strong suspicion that my husband is having / starting an affair. He has recently had two meetings (meals out - he paid) that I know of with a married friend, they knew each other before I met him. They talk frequently via text and I think a second Facebook account (that I don’t have access to). He has never told me about this I discovered a message by accident and have since found proof. I think he is now hiding how he communicates via hidden apps in his iPhone, he is very tech aware, and this these hidden apps are protected by touch ID that I don’t know how to get around.

The thing is I am going away tomorrow to visit family 150 miles away. I think this OW is coming around to my house to listen to music. I can’t prove 100%.

Am I unreasonable to get internal cameras? I can organise this tonight if I order now via prime. But I don’t know what to order, any suggestions?? It has to be easy to install. I am not tech savvy.

I have met this person, and we are due out as a group soon. Not leaving my husband so don’t suggest. Need to confront with evidence.

OP posts:
3within3 · 16/08/2026 23:33

Wiseowl18 · 08/08/2026 12:00

The expression I find extremely odd is
" lunch arranged for next week with husband & his friend & me" In my head I am imagining you saying darling if you and...... are arranging a lunch date do you mind if I join you both.

If my husband arranged a social lunch date with another woman I doubt I'd be joining them. I wouldn't stick around to be part of that situation. As married couples we all have our own particular bounderies & for me this scenario crosses the line.

Edited
Show quote history

I think this might be what was mentioned in the original post that there was already an event arranged for them as a group soon

Iwillcomeouttheotherend · 17/08/2026 01:10

RigsbysCat · 16/08/2026 21:42

Has he explained what "sorting out the past" actually involves?

Assuming you want to save your marriage, rather than just walk away, I think your H needs to be crystal clear about what is actually going on with this woman. Is it an emotional affair, has it become physical, what are his feelings for her?

Of course as he has already lied to you and continues to lie regarding what is going on, I doubt you you can rely on much that he says. Only you can know if the trust is gone permanently.

I think you need to somehow take back control of this situation and become proactive rather than reactive. Is there somewhere you can go for a few weeks to consider your future and what you want? I'd tell him that I could not bear to be around him when he shows me no respect, lies to my face and totally disregards my feelings and then leave him to try and find a way back from this mess of his own creation. Perhaps this is the wake up call he needs.

You need to decide if you actually still even want a future with him or not.

Edited

I think this is really good advice.
IF and only IF you do still want a future with him may I also suggest:

Yes proactive rather than reactive 100%
Come down hard NOW, it’s the only way you will be sure he cuts off all contact, and cut off ALL contact is absolutely necessary.
He gives you access / and Face ID to ALL his accounts. He will agree if he wants to stay married to you.
He agrees that he will never ever contact her again.
He tells you everything and gives you access now (b4 he deletes everything)
CONTACT HER HUSBAND - don’t tell yours that you are doing this, you may well learn more about what’s been going on and (assuming you are still wanting to stay with him) when the sh@T hits the fan from both partners, their cosy little togethers and their relationship won’t seem at all exciting anymore.
You say the OW is married and won’t want to blow up 30+ years - then she shouldn’t have been in secret contact with another woman’s husband /her ex partner.

“you are always on my mind”
And more messages.
Did you meet up for lunch with his friend ?

Please take action and let him know you are not waiting around for him to “sort out his past”
I wish you all the best 🌺

CrazyMidget · 17/08/2026 17:41

Iwillcomeouttheotherend · 17/08/2026 01:10

I think this is really good advice.
IF and only IF you do still want a future with him may I also suggest:

Yes proactive rather than reactive 100%
Come down hard NOW, it’s the only way you will be sure he cuts off all contact, and cut off ALL contact is absolutely necessary.
He gives you access / and Face ID to ALL his accounts. He will agree if he wants to stay married to you.
He agrees that he will never ever contact her again.
He tells you everything and gives you access now (b4 he deletes everything)
CONTACT HER HUSBAND - don’t tell yours that you are doing this, you may well learn more about what’s been going on and (assuming you are still wanting to stay with him) when the sh@T hits the fan from both partners, their cosy little togethers and their relationship won’t seem at all exciting anymore.
You say the OW is married and won’t want to blow up 30+ years - then she shouldn’t have been in secret contact with another woman’s husband /her ex partner.

“you are always on my mind”
And more messages.
Did you meet up for lunch with his friend ?

Please take action and let him know you are not waiting around for him to “sort out his past”
I wish you all the best 🌺

Show quote history

I don't think I would contact the husband. There are many reasons not to do that. Not least is the law of unintended consequences. Keep your side of the street clean.

https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/telling-the-ap-spouse

RigsbysCat · 07/09/2026 12:52

How are things for you now OP? I hope you have managed to find some sort of resolution.

Original poster
Lovingmynewlifestyle · 10/09/2026 21:38

RigsbysCat · 07/09/2026 12:52

How are things for you now OP? I hope you have managed to find some sort of resolution.

Thank you for asking.
My honest answer is I have been up and down.
One night in bed my husband ask ‘are you okay?’. I expect he was thinking I would say fine, x is on my mind (something to do with my adult children. but this was not my conversation. I was perfectly calm and said directly how things had affected me. We had an hour of conversation, no shouting.
He has said he doesn’t want to leave me and I don’t want to leave him.
Some will not understand this.

This was several weeks ago. I have asked that he tells me when he makes contact, asked for deletions of messages not to happen again.
Messages are less often - but he is not telling me about them. They are not flirting anymore, but I still don’t trust things.

I still check his messages - and I hate that I do this. I hate that he shares our personal life with her, but not other friends. When I say share, a picture of our holiday / lunch out /dog. Nothing really personal. But not something that is just with her and not other friends.
We have a group lunch coming up soon, I will see.
Nothing is perfect and I think he may feel ‘I am over it’; but I am not.

OP posts:
Notquitethetruth · 11/09/2026 07:38

You need to talk some more. You are still.keeping a lot to yourself which is not good for you or your relationship. He is still maintaining contact with her which is hurting you. All of these thoughts stored in your head with no outlet is not good for your mental health.
I wouldn't wait for the upcoming lunch as this is going to be difficult for you. Talk to him now. Good luck.

Tamtim · 11/09/2026 08:16

I hope he sorts his shit out and realises the effect this has had on you. I hope you can overcome everything and eventually move on. You have stayed calm and reasonable throughout. You shouldn’t be judged for originally wanting to catch him out on a camera at your door.

Sunnibee · 11/09/2026 19:15

OP I'm so confused by this thread. Have you established he's having an affair or not?

Doubledenim305 · 11/09/2026 19:18

He's still messaging her. I absolutely would not be ok with that. He's wanting both her and his married life. It's up to you if that's acceptable to you. I get it tho. A life together. It's hard to end. Especially if you still like him and otherwise things are ok. But yeah, u know what I'm saying.

RigsbysCat · 11/09/2026 22:07

I am glad that you have managed to tell him how much this has all affected you, but the fact he is still messaging her and not telling you as you asked him to, means he has either not been listening, or he just doesn't care enough to stop.

However I don't know what the answer to achieving an outcome that you want for your own peace of mind is.

You say you want to stay together and I can understand and respect this after such a long marriage but he still seems to be controlling the situation, while you are left to rather helplessly react.

Have you asked him to cut this woman off? Have you asked him to stop discussing personal matters with her? A friendship is one thing but he has an unhealthy degree of emotional investment here that I would find worrying.

For the good of your long term mental health does something not need to change? I think his attitude towards you lacks respect for both your feelings and for your role as his wife, but only you can decide whether to continue tolerating this or to start issuing ultimatums. At the moment he is having his cake and eating it.

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