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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get DS17 nothing for his birthday?

446 replies

NavySeal · 01/08/2026 10:30

It's DS17 birthday today.

We agreed beforehand that we'd pay for half of his driving lessons and he'd pay the other half himself.

AIBU for not getting him anything else or doing anything for his birthday?

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 02/08/2026 09:57

I paid for my sons car insurance last year. But we also had cake, cards, his requested dinner and a few little things to open on the day (the Black Stuff soaps, key ring, etc). It makes it an occasion.

MerryUmberHedgehog · 02/08/2026 09:40

A cake?

HwalkingL · 02/08/2026 08:41

shuggles · 01/08/2026 14:53

We're talking about a birthday present for a 17 year old, not luxury treatment for a princess.

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@shuggles do you have kids? If so, what did you do for their 17th?

What did you parents used to do for your birthday in your teen years?

HwalkingL · 02/08/2026 08:33

I guess the OP is his SM and thankfully the boy will go back to his “other” family and be spoilt rotten.

HwalkingL · 02/08/2026 08:31

LePetitChat · 01/08/2026 15:31

MN baffles me sometimes. Next thing it will be Christmas and posters will be getting lambasted for spending more than a fiver on a gift.

I think half a course of driving lessons is a good gift. For a start off, they’re not cheap. There’s also the fact that having to put your own money in towards something at that age can be a motivation to stick at it and apply themselves. I think if it came to it and he needed more than the first set of lessons I’d also pay the next half too.

But definitely a few odds and sods to unwrap and a cake, card and favourite dinner/meal out/takeaway. It’s about saying I love you, it’s your birthday and it’s a special day. Time spent on him and with him. Doesn’t have to cost an arm and a leg it’s showing that you care.

Im not having a go at the posters who would/have paid for it all. I actually agree it’s a life skill and I’m trying to get my daughter hers as best I can, but even a cheap runaround, insurance and the lessons (there’s a mandatory minimum here) would cost more than my annual gas and electricity bill, so I’m not in a position to. If you are in a position to do it then that’s great and I’d go for it, but if this is what you’ve got to put towards it, then I don’t think it should be put forward that it’s somehow a stingy gift.

Next thing it will be Christmas and posters will be getting lambasted for spending more than a fiver on a gift.

on your 17 year old DS?

No, @LePetitChat , and you know it!

Leapfrog84 · 02/08/2026 08:27

Isit2026yet · 01/08/2026 10:35

@NavySeal i’d be paying for all the lessons and tests. And getting them something to open.

@Isit2026yet a lot of people can’t afford that. Paying half is generous in itself. Also, we don’t know how many lessons it will take them to pass.
Even though I will be able to afford to pay for all of it, I won’t when my daughter is 17 next year. Children/young adults need to learn the value of money and that they only get things through hard work or we will end up with a society of entitled, bratty adults.

BeenThereDoneThatGotTheTshirt89 · 02/08/2026 08:03

NavySeal · 01/08/2026 10:30

It's DS17 birthday today.

We agreed beforehand that we'd pay for half of his driving lessons and he'd pay the other half himself.

AIBU for not getting him anything else or doing anything for his birthday?

I could not have my son wake up on his birthday to nothing. Would have gotten him something to celebrate the day. Maybe if money is tight something small like chocolates or favourite sweets but absolutely not, this would break me.

utahsainthood · 01/08/2026 23:39

Please tell me you’ve taken him out for dinner and made a bit of a fuss of him this evening @NavySealor at least got him a £10 cake from Tesco?

Brokentoes85 · 01/08/2026 23:18

Do you even have to ask? He's not an adult yet. What a miserable birthday. But hey, you've said happy birthday to him a few times, so that makes up for it.

abbynabby23 · 01/08/2026 21:54

NavySeal · 01/08/2026 10:30

It's DS17 birthday today.

We agreed beforehand that we'd pay for half of his driving lessons and he'd pay the other half himself.

AIBU for not getting him anything else or doing anything for his birthday?

Yes you are. Buy or at least bake a cake for him and a get card. If I were you I would maybe also organise a nice picnic or a day out for him. Something inexpensive but still something to treat him and make his day feel special.

FelixRyark · 01/08/2026 21:38

As a test, how would you feel if the situations were reversed?

In my world, we do balloons on the table, cards and a few little wrapped gifts (might just be posh deodorant, or a book or some PJs). Then we do a meal out (might just be the pub or even a pizza) to celebrate their special day.

To do nothing but pay for the lessons seems very transactional to me.

ReadySaltedSquares · 01/08/2026 20:59

Wait, so you’ve done nothing to mark it? Or am I assuming?

we always do singing, cake, cards… then depending on budget gifts. Breakfast we know what they like… and by they - everyone. DH, the kids, me. You've not just left it, have you? Is that what you’re all used to?

Bigreddog25 · 01/08/2026 20:51

Girlwithavibe · 01/08/2026 13:32

I'm not being funny it's not normal.to not want to spoil your child on their bday especially if your not low in funds !
It's always nice to have a little surprise gift for them or a cake it's their special day !!!
Driving lessons are an essential part of growing up ! And fair enough if your skint that's his bday present but if your not u should buy him a proper gift 🎁!

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Completely agree! It's like gifting a 5 year old swimming lessons and saying 'that's your lot!'

Gooseling · 01/08/2026 20:43

NavySeal · 01/08/2026 11:19

He hasnt said anything so I think it should be ok but he does seem quite annoyed today. We said happy birthday to him a few times

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I find this quite cruel and sad.

Did you at least get him a birthday card?

I would have definitely got him to bits to open. Sweets, chocolates, small aftershave (you can get really affordable ones or copies/dupes from The Essence Vault), £10 Just Eat gift card.

PeloMom · 01/08/2026 20:38

NavySeal · 01/08/2026 11:16

We're not struggling but we agreed on paying for his driving lessons and see that as his birthday gift. Would taking him for dinner be ok rather than buying him a gift?

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You see this as his birthday gift but was that explicitly agreed with him? Or you decided unilaterally that since it costs a fair bit it should do?

YourWildAmberSloth · 01/08/2026 20:35

Sounds pretty miserable. I'm hoping that when you say 'nothing', you mean nothing apart from a card and a cake at least.

ShortColdandGrey · 01/08/2026 20:08

Bloody hell! Your poor son. You could have bought him a token gift, a card, and a birthday cake. No wonder he is upset.

Chipsahoy · 01/08/2026 19:34

Poor kid. We paid for a block of lessons when my eldest turned 17 but he also got learner plates, aftershave and a few other things. Then we went out for ice cream at the beach. I also put up the usual balloons and banners and made him an epic chocolate cake. Why wouldn’t you make effort?!

Bigreddog25 · 01/08/2026 19:30

NavySeal · 01/08/2026 11:16

We're not struggling but we agreed on paying for his driving lessons and see that as his birthday gift. Would taking him for dinner be ok rather than buying him a gift?

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You mean you agreed to pay for HALF his lessons.

Bigreddog25 · 01/08/2026 19:18

Of course you are.

pinkandwhiteroses · 01/08/2026 18:07

BettyJoanPerske · 01/08/2026 18:02

So I'm 'hard of thinking' because I disagree with you? Funny, I think it is 'hard of thinking' to have children one can't afford.

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No, you're hard of thinking for not realising that it's very normal for circumstances to change between your child being born and them turning 17.

But it's okay, you can't help it.

PhoebeBuffay1234 · 01/08/2026 18:04

BettyJoanPerske · 01/08/2026 18:02

So I'm 'hard of thinking' because I disagree with you? Funny, I think it is 'hard of thinking' to have children one can't afford.

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The hard of thinking is not understanding people’s circumstances can change. So yes, I don’t apologise for that!

BettyJoanPerske · 01/08/2026 18:02

PhoebeBuffay1234 · 01/08/2026 17:39

You do realise not everyone can access credit or get into debt? And even if they could, if they’re living hand to mouth, it certainly shouldn’t be encouraged. I assume you also realise people’s circumstances can change. For someone so opinionated you seem really hard of thinking.

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So I'm 'hard of thinking' because I disagree with you? Funny, I think it is 'hard of thinking' to have children one can't afford.

morselover69 · 01/08/2026 18:01

stop being cheap, at least get him colin the caterpillar

Floratheexplorer57 · 01/08/2026 17:44

It's entirely up to you. Gift giving may not be your thing or you may be strapped for cash, or you may simply be avoiding cluttering up the house with stuff he may or may not want or any other reason - entirely up to you. He'll have friends who are lavished with gifts and others who would be lucky to get driving lessons for their birthday. As long as you are doing the same (monetary equivalent) with all your children/step children then you're fine.

Updated: I did assume you would have got a card and a cake though!

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