AIBU to resent caring for my difficult elderly mum alone?

Oh good grief…so many people turning up to comment and forgetting that human relationships are incredibly complex and nuanced. It’s not as simple as ‘walk away’ or ‘you’re being a martyr’ - what cruel and unhelpful comments those are.

It is absolutely possible to have a complicated relationship with a difficult parent and still love them and feel empathy/want to care for them. Anyone who thinks you can just turn a key and walk away has obviously never walked this road.

OP, it sounds as though you have a plan - 3 weeks of help and then respite care. I assume you know that if dealing with social services you have to make it clear that you’re not willing or able to continue beyond that? With the pressures on public services, if they know a relative is willing to hold up the fort, that can delay things. Hope you get some help soon!

She can't be forced into a care home, but equally, she has forced you into giving her this level of care. It is unsustainable and completely unreasonable of her.

You really need to speak to social services and insist they do a care needs assessment. They really need to be sending carers in several times a day. My friend's DM is being cared for at home, is more mobile than your DM, and she has carers coming in four times a day.

You have to be forthright with SS, as they won't care unless you say you can't do this any more. As long as you are doing it, they won't. Don't be a martyr.

Your mum doesn't get a say in this. Your own health and wellbeing are just as important, and if you can't face it any longer, then say so.

Come and join us on THIS THREAD

She has the right to say she doesn't want to go into a care home, but she doesn't have the right to demand that you provide the care. She's asking a huge amount of you and it's not fair.

It's really tough, even when the elderly person is pleasant. I'd look at contacting adult social care and also charities such as age uk for advice. Good luck. But please don't put your life on hold for her, she's got to live hers, it's not fair you (and your family) have to sacrifice yours.

Also OP you're seriously damaging your own health, doing this.

She was vile to your sister and cut her off

You stuck around and now you are losing so much - your job, your social life, even your husbands 60th!!

if you don’t set up more permanent care beyond the poxy 1 hour a day and the respite care (how long will that be for)… then really, you’re cutting your nose off to spite your face with your martyrdom

Same here.
Stop looking after her.
Either tell her to find a care home or tell her to arrange a live-in carer for herself.

I literally can’t understand why you are doing this. There are no prizes for being a martyr. It sounds harsh but how and why the fuck do you think your course of action is reasonable (on you).

Her choices don’t mean you have to fill that gap. They are hers to assume.

This is crazy! Contact social services. People that are bed bound should be having 4 care calls a day. People can live like this for a long time and it should not be down to you to provide the care.

You gave up your job but in 3 weeks time you’ll be outta there!

OP I think you need to ask social services to do a carers assessment and be blunt you cannot provide all of what she needs. You don’t owe your mum this level of care especially is she’s as vile and uncaring as you say!

Ok so the ends in sight
only 3 more weeks
I’d be marking off every day

She’s her mum. It’s not easy to walk away. (I’m not saying she shouldn’t walk away by the way, I’m just saying it’s hard).

Sorry quoted wrong person

No I didn’t. I’m not sure where the ambiguity was? Maybe you think I thought twice then did it? No I didn’t.

Still wondering why you are doing this...
You didn't have to give up your job
Some people are bedridden for years

Id not be happy at all if I were your husband

So you did cut him out? Just as i am saying I would

or you thought twice and decided to suck it up?

Have you found your way to the Elderly Parents board? When I was going through this kind of thing I found support there.
It can be helpful just knowing you're not alone with what is a really difficult, intractable problem full of complicated emotions and different pulls on your time and energy.

Well that’s fine for you. My Dad was lots of terrible things but he also had a terrible life and he was my dad. So I did think twice about abandoning him, as lots of people do. I’m not advocating for anything - I am merely pointing out it’s not as simple as some people make it sound.

The woman is a racist, a snob and uncaring
She was “vile” to her daughter
and I imagine we have heard the tip of the iceberg.

So no… I wouldn’t think twice about saying she needs to go to a home or get fine time care, because i won’t be doing it

I understand her granddaughters don’t want to know. But they are your nieces so will they help you (not your mum)? So help you emotionally so you can pop around for a coffee and so on. You don’t need to be isolated anymore than you are already.

try to up the care package, gardener and cleaners in for everything else. Make it as easy as possible for yourself.

So you’re there atm?

she has one hour of care a day. And she’s bed ridden.

I agree. MN loves a ‘LTB’ of ‘go NC’ but life and relationships are complicated and sometimes cutting someone loose is not emotionally an option. For better or worse.