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AIBU?

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All men should be aware of this

914 replies

mildlysweaty · 20/03/2026 21:08

I went for a walk in the sunshine around the back of my child’s school before pickup today. Usually the odd dog walker passes by but it’s pretty remote/foresty. I do this walk often but never go fully into the woods bit alone - because I’m female.

I was walking towards the woods and a person with long hair was walking my way - wrongly assumed it was a woman but when I passed them I realised it was a man in his 30s. I’ve passed plenty of men before walking their dogs, generally they give a nod and carry on. I started to feel a bit uneasy so rather than continue in that direction, I stopped a little further then turned around and started walking back (same way bloke was going).

I was a few feet behind him when he looked back over his shoulder back at me, then he stopped (with his back to me) and started opening his backpack. I felt bad vibes, there was no one else around. I managed to speed walk past him and pretended to phone my husband and had my car key ready to use if needed but all was okay in the end, I then passed some women walking.

In all honesty it could’ve been totally benign but any decent man should know that this sort of behaviour is intimidating for a woman, who’s alone, especially with nobody else around.

To get to my point: ALL men should understand how women need to be programmed to be wary of them, and how they can help is by ensuring they aren’t doing anything that could feel intimidating. They don’t know what it’s like to be a woman, but any decent man should be aware and conscious of how their behaviour may impact. I have reminded my husband of this today. It took a while to shake the feeling from this afternoon.

if voting I guess YABU = men don’t need to know this
YANBU = yes they do need to know this, it’s a way they can help

OP posts:
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confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 06:43

RhaenysRocks · 21/03/2026 06:40

Umm...she walked back towards him. I can entirely imagine he stopped to let her past as she'd suddenly changed direction and was gaining on him. Are you really that dense? Not all of us females exist in a state of permanent fear. Yes awful things do happen sometimes but unless you have personal close experience, its crazy to have the level of anxiety displayed here.

You haven’t read this properly. She had an instinct that he was dodgy and wanted to walk behind him as to her prey brain, being able to see what he was doing and where he was felt safe. He then stopped and forced her to pass him, which made her feel vulnerable.
why is all the onus on the woman? Her instinct he was dodgy is worth honouring.

Stnam · 21/03/2026 06:41

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 06:28

She had an instinct something was wrong and chose to change direction and he stopped, confirming he was aware of her. Both were being weird. Why are we not honouring this woman’s instinct? She made a judgement call, she’s alive to tell the tale.
a bit embarassing but as I said I’d rather be embarrassed than dead.

He passed her on a walk and then she chose to change direction and follow him. He continued to mind his own business. He didn't speak to her or approach her. Then nothing happened. It is hardly a narrow escape from death.

RhaenysRocks · 21/03/2026 06:41

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 06:26

She didn’t follow him. She chose to change directions because she had an instinct he was dodgy and honoured it. Did you read this?

No. She literally turned around and walked in the same direction as him after he had passed her.

RhaenysRocks · 21/03/2026 06:40

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 05:44

Her point is that’s all he needs to do. Exist. That being alone with an unknown man is threatening when somewhere remote like the woods. And he could have kept more distance to help her feel more comfortable because it’s conscientious when we all share a planet. Are you really that dense?

Umm...she walked back towards him. I can entirely imagine he stopped to let her past as she'd suddenly changed direction and was gaining on him. Are you really that dense? Not all of us females exist in a state of permanent fear. Yes awful things do happen sometimes but unless you have personal close experience, its crazy to have the level of anxiety displayed here.

daisychain01 · 21/03/2026 06:35

To get to my point: ALL men should understand how women need to be programmed to be wary of them, and how they can help is by ensuring they aren’t doing anything that could feel intimidating.

I can see your perspective @mildlysweaty that said, I feel uneasy that men may be damned it they do, damned if they don't nowadays. We can't get inside men's heads to know for sure their intentions are honourable or otherwise,

how should they behave so they aren't intimidating, what sort of behaviour will change the perception of them being a threat? In your example, what would you have wanted the man to do?

Each situation is different, so men have got a lot of thinking to do to derisk every unique situation so a lone woman doesn't feel intimidated.

Simplestars · 21/03/2026 06:30

@mildlysweaty maybe he was scared you changed direction to follow him and took out his phone to ring his partner and a car key for protection.

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 06:28

Stnam · 21/03/2026 06:24

I don't think anyone needed to change their behaviour in this situation. No one was to blame for anything. Nothing happened.

She had an instinct something was wrong and chose to change direction and he stopped, confirming he was aware of her. Both were being weird. Why are we not honouring this woman’s instinct? She made a judgement call, she’s alive to tell the tale.
a bit embarassing but as I said I’d rather be embarrassed than dead.

UpDownAllAround1 · 21/03/2026 06:28

So he should have had short hair and not walked? Bizarre post

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 06:26

Cambridgedropout · 21/03/2026 06:25

‘HE could have kept more distance”?

She turned around and followed him!

She didn’t follow him. She chose to change directions because she had an instinct he was dodgy and honoured it. Did you read this?

Cambridgedropout · 21/03/2026 06:25

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 05:44

Her point is that’s all he needs to do. Exist. That being alone with an unknown man is threatening when somewhere remote like the woods. And he could have kept more distance to help her feel more comfortable because it’s conscientious when we all share a planet. Are you really that dense?

‘HE could have kept more distance”?

She turned around and followed him!

Stnam · 21/03/2026 06:24

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 06:16

@Bepo77@Stnamyes god forbid we expect a poor little man to be aware of his surroundings and behave in a way that doesn’t centre himself. My god your standards of men are low. Why is the onus on her to change her behaviour?

I don't think anyone needed to change their behaviour in this situation. No one was to blame for anything. Nothing happened.

Cambridgedropout · 21/03/2026 06:22

PollyBell · 21/03/2026 04:41

Maybe if woman spend more time and effort on instincts when going into relationships with men with red flags coming out of every surface instead seeing a random man and thinking he is up to no good

Exactly this.

We’re afraid of the wrong big bad wolf here.

Statistically the vast, vast majority of VAWG doesn’t happen in public by strangers but by partners or ex partners in the home.

We all know this yet we choose to ignore it.

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 06:21

Bepo77 · 21/03/2026 06:18

Specifically, how should he have changed his behaviour after being unwillingly followed?

He could have put his hands up as if to say ‘I’m not threatening.’ Or ran off ahead in a different direction. Idk. I wasn’t there. He could have been trying - and fumbling to do this in his own way - so she could overtake him and find somewhere less remote - but her feedback is that made her uncomfortable.
i have worked in jobs where deescalation is key, I do it all the time as a woman in my life. I would expect him to do the same tbh

Cambridgedropout · 21/03/2026 06:20

Parky04 · 20/03/2026 21:57

You turned around and started following him! You're the weirdo!

Absolutely this. How utterly bizarre of you.

You do realise you caused this, OP?

I think you were unnerved because you at first thought he was a woman then realised he was a man. Not his fault. He did absolutely nothing wrong but you felt uneasy because of this story in your head. Instead of rationalising yourself you turned around and followed him.

He probably thought wtf so stopped to look in his bag hoping you’d pass.

And you’re blaming him??!

What was he supposed to do?

This is exactly what mass anxiety whipped up by the media does to people.

Poor guy, he was probably so unsettled by this.

Bepo77 · 21/03/2026 06:18

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 06:16

@Bepo77@Stnamyes god forbid we expect a poor little man to be aware of his surroundings and behave in a way that doesn’t centre himself. My god your standards of men are low. Why is the onus on her to change her behaviour?

Specifically, how should he have changed his behaviour after being unwillingly followed?

Rozendantz · 21/03/2026 06:18

I have a 20yo DS. Since he was a young teen I've reminded him to always be aware of lone women, to walk on the other side of the road etc - and he diligently does so. I've not, however, told him not to have long hair, or to get something out his backpack, and I don't intend to do so.

The poor bloke in the woods did nothing wrong. I walk/hike alone a lot, I see many people on their own (mainly men) doing likewise, and it's never bothered me. I think you're overreacting, and I honestly think if that sort of thing un-nerves you, you'd feel more comfortable walking in more public spaces

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 06:16

@Bepo77@Stnamyes god forbid we expect a poor little man to be aware of his surroundings and behave in a way that doesn’t centre himself. My god your standards of men are low. Why is the onus on her to change her behaviour?

Bepo77 · 21/03/2026 06:15

If you're this easily spooked by a man getting something from his rucksack then I find it odd that you regularly choose to go walking in a remote area at all?

Stnam · 21/03/2026 06:01

A lot of people get really bothered by having someone walking behind them (men and women). If he was aware of you, which if you were only a few feet behind he woud almost certainly know you were there, then he probably stopped so you wouldn't continue trailing him. If he wasn't aware of you then you can hardly blame him for any of his behaviour.

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 05:50

nevernotmaybe · 21/03/2026 05:48

Ah the same sick disgusting call of the people who claim men can't be abused.

Haven’t said this? But like you know there’s a reason why we have men and women’s boxing leagues right… because it’s not a fair fight?
what is a woman on her own in the woods going to do to a healthy man???

LondonMumo23 · 21/03/2026 05:50

Some of my male friends already are very considerate about this - they cross the street to the other side if it’s late at night and they find themselves walking behind a solo woman for example to show they’re not a threat. Unfortunately there’s a reason why you’ll be feeling worried about that, and after a
couple of incidents included being flashed
ina park when I was on my own, I too have been filled with fear when suddenly passing a lone male in a quiet setting.

nevernotmaybe · 21/03/2026 05:48

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 05:46

Yes if someone half my size and weight was acting erratically the first thing I’d do is get my pepper spray… are you ok hun?

Ah the same sick disgusting call of the people who claim men can't be abused.

GarlicFound · 21/03/2026 05:48

Hummingbirdyy · 21/03/2026 05:36

I wouldn't worry OP. He probably identifies as a woman so all good.

😂

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 05:46

gamerchick · 21/03/2026 05:44

I was thinking similar. The OP was acting more suspiciously than the dude. 😆

Edited

Yes if someone half my size and weight was acting erratically the first thing I’d do is get my pepper spray… are you ok hun?