To have a baby with a man i dont love

He is not a good Dad if he is sexist and uncaring. So why would you want a child with him? You know this though which is why you posted. Leave and find someone who is a good Dad and a good husband ( and by definition therefore not sexist)

You have to consider that the child could have profound disabilities, what then?
It could be caused by birth accident .Cerebral palsy can affect a child physically and mentally.

The problem is if something goes wrong (the baby has additional needs, you have a difficult pregnancy that impacts your health long term etc) then you won’t have the support.

I understand why you’d want this, having children by different fathers brings its own challenges and isn’t for everyone. On top of that, you feel too old to even meet someone new and know them well enough to have a child so it does make sense.

I don’t think it’s the worst decision in the world, because you feel able to financially and emotionally support two children if/when you end your marriage. It also has to be your husband’s choice though, unless you were planning on doing it without his knowledge which I do not recommend.

Absolutely, I'm glad some people see sense. I can't believe they are people advocating for this. As if having a parent with these attributes wouldn't have an impact.

Even worse we are bizarrely seeing a poster who has said that their dad left with them such low life long self esteem go onto to say that the poster should have kids with an unloving, sexist dad and then let the dad have them 50% of the time.

Your post makes absolutely no sense. There needs to be more thought into having a baby then just the urge to reproduce. People need to think what sort of environment they are bringing a baby in, finances, support network and who will be bringing a baby up and involved with it. Just to have a baby because you want one and to ignore everything else is the height of selfishness.

And I'm not quite sure why you're trying to shame me about my situation. I purposely made sure I was with a loving and caring partner, who made a good father. If that makes me smug, then so be it. Yes theres nothing wrong with being in a single parent family but having two loving parents is always going to be better. That's the situation I wanted for my children and I make absolutely no apologies if that makes me narrow minded or smug. Surely most parents want the best for their children?

And you've went on about your own childhood yet still seem to be advocating for the OP to have a baby with a man who she already says is sexist and uncaring so surely you know that having a father with these qualities can impact on the child as you say so yourself. The OP isn't talking about a sperm donor, this is the route she wants to take and the father will have rights and access to the child.

That would involve travelling to that country, paying for all the costs that would incur and spending the entirety of your IVF treatment there (usually months, years even) or travelling over every time you need to get a new round. Be realistic. I know loads of people who’ve used donor sperm, every single one has said they would have chosen non-anonymous even if they didn’t have to. Most mothers want to give their children that option

If you had 3 kids being with them 50% of the time would be perfect!

How will feel when you are not with your children 50% of the time? Will that still fit your dream of being a single mum of 3?

He’s a good dad apart from being awful, horrible, sexist, uncaring and uninvolved. I think to knowingly bring another child into this environment is at best selfish and at worst cruel. I doubt all the love from one parent can actively cancel out the lack of it from another.

Don’t do it, my best friend did the exact same thing, it took her almost a year to fall pregnant, then after the baby was born she didn’t want to divorce while she was on maternity leave due to the stress and financial vulnerability. So she subjected her eldest to another three years of living in a toxic home.

After their second child was born the relationship deteriorated significantly, having two kids with a useless, selfish, sexist husband is a lot harder than just one. As much as you think your love and great parenting can make up for the fact that you and your husband don’t like each other and he’s an awful example of a father and husband, the truth is it can’t.

What you’re doing is selfish, not only to the child you’re planning to bring into this toxic situation, but especially to the child you already have, who will suffer from having to continue living with parents who don’t love and like each other, a father who is sexist and lazy and then being older and more able to understand and be affected by the breakdown of their family.

I understand your want for a second child, but given the situation you are in, knowingly bringing a child into a ‘soon-to-be’ broken home is absolutely selfish of you.

I take it you were not brought up in a ‘broken-home’, had you been I don’t think you would be asking this question.

This in abundance

Remember children learn how to be men and women and how to do relationships from their parents. Do you want your sons to behave like their father or your dds to accept being treated like that?

Women can still get sperm from abroad from countries which allow anonymous sperm donation.

What if she does? Regret is part of the human condition. And at least she won’t have inflicted a shitty father on another child.

Cos then it will have another (likely shite) parent. As I said in a PP, that could involve v. expensive court costs, the man potentially being tied to her forever, maybe even losing custody, fighting and drama. Much easier if she does it alone with no dad in the picture.

I definitely don’t agree she should use him for his sperm without telling him. That is so incredibly fucked up

You had no guarantee things would stay that way though did you. No guarantee your lr living husband wouldn't run off, become an alcoholic etc

But what's the point when she can just have a shag for free? Whether it be her husband or some random guy from Tinder

Why did you have kids? Have you cultivated their brains from toddler-hood to be Oxbridge grads at 12 in the hope they might one day cure cancer or perhaps solve world hunger? In which case, ok. You truly are a selfless parent. But I don’t think that’s the case is it? You had kids because you’re a woman with a biological urge to reproduce. Just like the OP is. You just happen to (quite arrogantly) assume your circumstances were better. Being a good parent is highly subjective. I’m sure you and your hubby think you’re great parents and feel really smug about having children in what YOU believe is an ideal family, but your kids and other people may not think you’re good parents. People have different values and ideas about what makes a good upbringing for a child. My parents thought they were good parents, to outsiders they looked like ideal parents - a man and a woman, married, no DV, no addiction etc, loving, firm boundaries. But those firm boundaries meant my dad was very strict, I was smacked often, criticised all the time by him, all because he was “loving and had high expectations” of me. He and everyone else he knows still think he was a great parent. I, on the other hand have lifelong problems with low self-esteem because of him. Hands down I’d rather have been raised solely by my mum, who was kind, understanding and loved me without conditions. I’m sure I would have turned out far better. A child needs love and support (emotional & financial). That is all. It doesn’t matter whether they get that from a mum and a dad, just a mum, just a dad, two mums, two dads, a grandparent. It. Does. Not. Matter. All that matters is they get it.

There is no 2nd kid.

Saying ’it’s better for the other children to have same shit dad’ is just justifying the choice - it’s not an actual reason to have another.

I cant get over just using another person as a sperm bank without even asking them

Having read all info If you both agree and situation re divorce is clear up front then fine.

I would run a mile if faced with that situation though.

Your other option to not tell him is plain manipulative and very likely to result in a combative break up , with all impact on children that entails.

Why are you saying this like it’s unique. Every parent has a child because they want them.

Also why are you saying that what is best for the child won’t be being raised by an adoring single parent with a loving sibling. You have a very narrow view of what a good family looks like.

Better to have all her kids with one shite dad to deal with as opposed to multiple dads to deal with.

People will come for you but imo its better for the kids to have the same shite dad, so, as long as he isn’t abusive etc, I would

îd use a donor otherwise

Again, so this women's desire to have a child overrides what is in fact best for a child. I honestly can't believe what I'm reading that it's somehow OK to have a child, even though they'll have a shit dad.

I must live in some alternate universe because when I had children I made sure that that they had two, loving parents who were involved in their care. I can't believe anyone would think that having a shit father who then in turns out to be absent from their child is of somehow a benefit to a child.