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AIBU?

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Original poster

Update incoming: AIBU to expect a birthday present

33 replies

Thinkingof2026 · 23/01/2026 06:48

So some of you may have read my thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5474719-to-ask-if-this-is-what-long-marriage-looks-like?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

Just by means of an update, he's still not talking to me nearly 3 weeks now

And yesterday was my birthday

He got a generic happy birthday card from the DDs and that's it.

My DD11 got up early and decorated for me and sung me happy birthday with an apple turnover she'd made in school the day before.

She asked me in the sweetest voice "have you not got any presents...did you not ask for anything?"

So yeh, he's left me with the emotional load of dealing with that too.

Add this on top of the fact that my mum had a stroke in September, my dad died in October, my mum has had multiple hospital admissions since then due to complications so ive also "lost" my mum, or at least the version of her that was my mum

DD11 is ASD and im dealing with a lot with school with her and ive "taken on" my brother who is also ASD and needa a lot of suplort who was previously supported by mum / dad

But yeh, obviously "D"H needs are a priority and im a terrible person for not prioritising them.

I thought he would get me at least a token gift from the girls. A packet of fruit pastilles, a keyring, anything. But no, that was too much effort for him.

Im done

Im getting my ducks in a row

This is the end.

To ask if this is what long marriage looks like? | Mumsnet

Married 8 years, together 18, two children (11 and 7). Husband works shifts and is often exhausted. I used to work shifts but recently got promoted to...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5474719-to-ask-if-this-is-what-long-marriage-looks-like

OP posts:
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MysticChevron · 23/01/2026 12:19

What an absolute cunt. I’m raging on your behalf, OP.

Happy belated birthday though, and congratulations on raising such a beautiful, thoughtful child. May your next birthday and all birthdays to follow be full of joy, blessings and peace. X

bigboykitty · 23/01/2026 12:15

You can initiate formal separation as a starting point to protect your future inheritance. Your life will be so much better when you ditch this deadweight @Thinkingof2026 . Happy Birthday for yesterday. How sweet of your daughter to bake for you. I wouldn't be glossing over his behaviour. I'd just have said 'no, no presents. But apple turnover - how absolutely wonderful'. Your children will find out he's a total cunt soon enough, if they don't know already. And they probably do know, from what you've said.

saraclara · 23/01/2026 12:05

Please, please, do whatever you need to do quickly, to avoid him having a claim on your inheritance.
Check your home insurance for a free 24 hour legal helpline. Nearly all insurers provide one, even if you don't have legal cover. Mine was a lifesaver. You just need some basic advice on how to protect yourself and your inheritance.

Idontthinkicandothisanymore · 23/01/2026 11:02

You are NOT. Do not let yourself say that.
you’ve had a shitty 6 months which is still ongoing with your mum and your H is being a shit when you need him the most. Fuck him.

Gloopsy · 23/01/2026 10:59

Im weak, clearly. Ive put up with his shit for too long

No you are NOT weak. It is a scary time, and as mums we do the best for our kids in the situation we are coping with that day.

And then the shutters come down one day and that is when we say "enough".

People looking in can understandably ask why you waited so long, but no-one knows how long you have been processing it all for.

The most important thing is - NOW is the right time, and there is no going back. Onwards and upwards for you and your girls

Original poster
Thinkingof2026 · 23/01/2026 10:06

EmeraldShamrock000 · 23/01/2026 09:55

Why are you continuing to allow your daughter live in this environment, there is more ways than the obvious to neglect your children. She is learning from his behaviour and your reaction to it.
Are you going to continue tolerating this sulking BS?

No you're right, and ive really noticed it in the girls this time.

My eldest doesn't really get along with him anyway

But my youngest does, but this time something has shifted. She wants me to put her to bed every night (rather than alternative me and DH). It's different and subtle but its there.

And that's given me the courage to do something.

Im weak, clearly. Ive put up with his shit for too long

But if the last 6 months have taught me anything, about my mum and dad, its shown me just how strong I can be. And I know I will be okay

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock000 · 23/01/2026 09:55

Why are you continuing to allow your daughter live in this environment, there is more ways than the obvious to neglect your children. She is learning from his behaviour and your reaction to it.
Are you going to continue tolerating this sulking BS?

christmaspudding43 · 23/01/2026 09:52

Christ some of you like to put the boot in don't you?

Wishing you all the best with what happens next OP, as someone else said, your next birthday can be so much better.

LondonToSurrey2024 · 23/01/2026 09:48

I'm not sure how it would work with your inheritance, but where i used to work we couldn't get in contact with someone who we were trying to pay out inheritance to. Her financial adviser said he thought she might be going through a divorce but she wasn't responding to calls or letters to confirm payment details. We just had to keep trying and 12 months later she got in contact with us (post divorce) for us to make the payment to her.

MyGingerNinja · 23/01/2026 09:44

This would have topped it off for me too so I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Me and my ex are not still friends but we manage things for our daughter amicably and we always ensure she has a card, presents and a cake and candles to give each of us on our respective birthdays.. it’s out of respect for each other but mainly for her as well to be able celebrate with each of us. She loves secretly lighting candles and bringing a cake in “out of nowhere”
Good luck in working your way through this it sounds like you will all be happier in the long run as this is no way to live x 💐

Getofftheunicorn · 23/01/2026 09:15

Happy birthday for yesterday!
please try to see him not getting you anything for your birthday as a positive thing - it’s ripped the plaster off rather than allowing this relationship to limp along.
He has obviously checked out of the marriage completely and I hope you’re not doing anything for him now - no meals, washing, shopping etc.
Please make an appointment to see a solicitor as soon as possible, if only to get yourself firmly into the frame of mind that you’re ‘on your way out the door’.

brightbevs · 23/01/2026 09:07

Sorry you’re going through that. He’s an arsehole.

I agree with another poster to start the process of separation before you inherit. Open a separate account for the inheritance and leave it there until things are progressed with the separation. Don’t use any of it on the matrimonial home until the divorce is finalised. Don’t mix it with your matrimonial assets at all.

ThejoyofNC · 23/01/2026 08:59

Give yourself the gift of a new life without him!

Original poster
Thinkingof2026 · 23/01/2026 08:48

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

That's what I did, I was super pleased with what she did and I expressed that the best present was what she did and I was so grateful to her its really special blah blah...

OP posts:
Idontthinkicandothisanymore · 23/01/2026 08:32

What a horrible man.

Happy Birthday for yesterday. Just think your next one will be just lovely. No stress no childish idiot ruining it for you.

Good luck

Pumpkinlit · 23/01/2026 08:20

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Miloarmadillo2 · 23/01/2026 08:15

If you can buy him out and stay put that would be the least upheaval for the children. Agree you need to split before your inheritance if possible or it may be treated as a marital asset.

Original poster
Thinkingof2026 · 23/01/2026 08:10

parietal · 23/01/2026 08:03

If you are soon to inherit money, start the divorce process BEFORE you get the money. Then it will be easier for you to keep that as your money and not part of the family pot.

will XH move out and let you stay in the house with the kids? Or do you have enough money to move out?

Yes thats what im thinking
I dont exactly have enough money to move out.
I would have enough to buy him out tho and continue the existing mortgage.

OP posts:
parietal · 23/01/2026 08:03

If you are soon to inherit money, start the divorce process BEFORE you get the money. Then it will be easier for you to keep that as your money and not part of the family pot.

will XH move out and let you stay in the house with the kids? Or do you have enough money to move out?

Original poster
Thinkingof2026 · 23/01/2026 07:45

MakeYourOwnSunshine · 23/01/2026 07:41

I don't really understand your "emotional load" comments, surely that is the least of your worries. Just tell your kids that there wasn't anything you needed or wanted so your present will be a day trip/meal out in the spring or something.

It is the least of my worries. But when you add it to the fact that every time we argue he withdraws (including from the kids) im left with the mental load each time. Okay so emotional load probably wrong choice of words but im left to answer the questions, he's not.

OP posts:
MakeYourOwnSunshine · 23/01/2026 07:41

I don't really understand your "emotional load" comments, surely that is the least of your worries. Just tell your kids that there wasn't anything you needed or wanted so your present will be a day trip/meal out in the spring or something.

Original poster
Thinkingof2026 · 23/01/2026 07:35

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I will be ...financial spreadsheet already started 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
Thinkingof2026 · 23/01/2026 07:34

Billybagpuss · 23/01/2026 07:01

next year will be a happy birthday.

How in line are your ducks. Do you have somewhere to go or can you ask him to leave?

Theyre not massively inline. But i am aboit to inherit some money from my dad which will help.

Just currently weighing up my options before solicitors.. try and stay here, the family home, or try and figure out a way to move into my dads house (needs a LOT of work though)

OP posts:
Original poster
Thinkingof2026 · 23/01/2026 07:32

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I didnt care about the present from him, but a token gift from the girls would have been appreciated, to not leave me with the emotional load of THEM feeling weird about it.

I also thought if he did get me something it might be a bit of an opening to talk. But no.

So yes here we are!

OP posts:
julesover40 · 23/01/2026 07:04

Happy birthday for yesterday.
Treat yourself and your lovely Dd to day out celebrating this weekend.

Start the separation process, ignoring you for 3 weeks is completely unacceptable. That is no life for you and an awful example for your children. Show them the strong, independent woman you are and commit to your future happiness today x