Leave now or after baby

This. Why would you want a poor little child to have to be co-parented by this lazy arse?

I think this thread illustrates the naivety and misconceptions (no pun intended) about fertility. There is a strong possibility that at 40 plus the OP wouldn’t just need a sperm donor, they would need an egg donor. She is 40 now, add in another couple of years to stop this treatment and set up the donor process and the chances are diminishing.

Freezing eggs is unrealistic - you need to do that far younger when the quantity and quality is better. Eggs that are frozen then need to be defrosted and fertilised which reduces chances still further.

contrary to popular belief, you don’t just rock up and demand the fertility treatment of your choice. Questions on stability are asked and coming out of a relationship, abandoning an IVF round and rushing to donor sperm at 40 plus may raise some flags.

none of this means that the OP should stay with her partner; I just don’t like seeing fertility misinformation abound. We are now well
informed about how to avoid pregnancy, less
so about conception and fertility.

I don't understand the posters arguing that it's selfish to have a baby with a shit dad but then to go and use sperm donor.

Yes of course inflicting a father on a baby who isn't up to the task and is uninvolved isn't good for the baby but how is having it by donor any less selfish? The outcome is still the same essentially, no father in the picture with the added extra of the child having no contact, connection or knowledge to their genetics or biological roots through the fathers side. There's also the potential of the child going looking for their biological dad and facing heartbreak for them not wanting to be involved.

We are all curious as humans to know where we came from, it's extremely naive to be thinking this wouldn't impact on a child in someway.

As mentioned I'm on the fence for donor sperm but it requires honesty that you are starving a child of part of their genetic identity and roots to serve your own desire to have a child. I can't see how it's less selfish than having a dad (albeit) a useless one in the picture but still one they would know.

Unlikely when it comes to 40 year old eggs. Egg freezing is not always the answer.

I was 33 when I finally got successfully pregnant with my DH. After several miscarriages that pull was so strong and in theory I still had lots of time, could even have found a new relationship if I wanted (I didn't). In your shoes I would most likely stay until I had the baby

Have the baby then go.

Have his baby. Leave as soon as your pregnancy is secure.

I wouldn't usually say that. But at 40 you don't really have much of a fertility window (particularly since you're doing IVF).

Accept he'll have minimal involvement.

Why does this come up every time? People asked me this every time I had a miscarriage.

Because we want a baby of our own, not a temporary child who most likely comes with behavioural challenges.

Fostering isn’t for the faint hearted.

(edit to say ‘and I should know’ because i had feckless parents who were not allowed to bring me up).

If you don't want to be with him, you do realise that if he is the Father of your child that he will be in your life permanently if you share a child? As woudl his family. Could you cope with that? Should you purposefully inflict that on a child - sorry that's selfish but I do appreciate the strong need to be a Mum.

But there are are other ways as have been mentioned already.

Walk away, head held high and go another route.

This. Don't tie yourself to someone who is already making you miserable.
If you want to go it alone, then leave him and go this route. Be honest to everyone involved.

If your partner is lazy and unsupportive now, I can guarantee that won't change if you become pregnant. You will also need to co-parent with him for the next 18 years! It would be far better to end the relationship now, go down the donor sperm route and go it alone. You'll be a single Mum if you stay and become pregnant by your partner anyway, so the only difference will be that the sperm will be unknown.

I would be wondering how much your partner actually wants a baby. Has he gone along with IVF for your sake, but ultimately isn't bothered either way? Has he always been lazy and unsupportive? Or is this something that has happened or become worse since IVF?

It would be better for both of you to go your own separate ways. No children involved = a clean break. You wouldn't need to see or worry about him again, once you split.

Its a difficult situation you are in OP and there's no easy answers. Of course growing up with a shit dad is awful all around but so many people are quick to suggest the donor option as an easy alternative. However this route as well can impact on children as well who grow up without any sense or knowledge of their biological roots on one side of the family and this can impact on their own self esteem, sense of self and mental health.

Obviously it's not the case for all donor concieved children and I'm neither for or against it as I have friends who have used but it is something that needs a lot of thought and research done into it, especially the impact on donor concieved children for which there is a good thread here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/AMA/3718785-I-am-the-child-of-a-sperm-donor-AMA?page=2

Can you afford to raise baby in your own? I guess a sperm donee doesn’t come with maintenance payments

If you think he would be a good coparent and is a good person generally, why not be completely honest with him. You both want a baby but you don’t want to be with him any more. He might be open to the idea of having a baby together with the plan of co parenting.

Have the baby then leave him, sounds like he's feeling the same way. When a man wants to keep you he will treat you well because he wants you to stay. Do keep in mind that a child with this man is going to bond you forever and raising a child is a lot of work, can you cope with that?

I'm guessing you know him then? Can you tell us more about his personality so we can make a more nuanced decision?

Leave. It's not fair on the potential baby or on him to trick him into this knowing you're going to leave.

But is it morally the right thing to do, to knowingly give a child a shit father they might have to deal with for 50 years, because you want a baby? Its one thing a man turning shit after you get pregnant, but to knowingly put your want for a baby, over an innocent child's need for good parental influences? A lot of shit dads simply fuck off, which causes its own hurt but is arguably better for the child, but a lot continue to let their child down over a lifetime and I've seen what damage that can do to people over their whole lives. A great mum isnt always enough to outweigh a shit dad. Happy to agree to disagree here though.

yes but what happens if something happens to the OP when child is still young? nobody there to take care of it.... Bit of a selfish and unthinking thing to do imo

Another vote for leave and do it alone with a sperm donor.

In my personal experience a shit dad but a great mum is fine/good! If she was 30 I'd be more inclined to agree but there's a chance he could step up and people can have a great partner who becomes a shit dad in the end anyway.

Id continue the IVF, it sounds likely it really could be your last chance. Use the pregnancy time to try and whip him into shape and reconnect as a couple? At least then you know you've tried, there's a chance he could realise he needs.to step up because he's going to be a dad and you could see what you loved about him when the resentment of him being useless fades away?

It is your child who will suffer the most from having a shit dad. And a dad who 'loves' their child (and the children loves them) but does the bare minimum for them IS a shit dad despite what other people might have you believe. 'Love' isnt enough. You have a responsibility to not set your child up with a shit dad, sorry. You need to decide if your desire for a baby is more important than your child's right to a decent father.

That's a sign darling.
You're not supposed to have a child with this man. I realise that sounds awful and I apologise as my intention isn't to be rude or, pah there!, type thing.
But my instinct is telling me that the reason things keep happening is because the universe is telling you, it's not right.
I miscarried when I was with my ex and as horrendous as it was at the time, it happened so I would never have to have him in my life again after all, he's an ex for a reason.
Please have a hard think about it x

I know. Look at the post I actually quoted.