To be annoyed at how unfair life seems

The early years sector is currently in crisis due to lack of funding and poor pay resulting in so many well experienced and qualified practitioners leaving to do other jobs. It is no walk in the park.

I think you also need to be careful as while you say you have worked in schools/nurseries before, the challenges have changed and there is a good chance they would use your 'experience' and place you working 1:1 with a high needs child. This is what happened to someone I worked with. The school knew her situation and how she wanted work as a break to an extent, but still placed her with one of the children with the highest needs. There isn't always other people in the room (funding cuts) and where I work to cover lunches one person has to look after two high needs children in a room on her own.
The person I know now works as a cleaner as can pick her own hours and work around her son. Would this be an option?

The situation overall is unfair. You both have a right to feel that. Being angry is easy. Being angry to the right extent for the right reason is often where the trouble arises. Your DH obviously cares by providing for the family so not sure why you resent him working FT? It’s work, not leisure.

Remember too life can be a case of careful what you wish for. Wilde put it that there are two tragedies. First not getting what you want the second is getting it.

You have it in your head if you could work PT you’d be happier and less isolated/stressed. Maybe you would but as working Mums will tell you it’s rough all over and then you have the challenge of doing all you do now (with help with DH of course in less time). Still worthwhile but don’t maybe idolise the life you imagine will follow. Likely be just a different set of challenges.

Also couldn’t quite understand chosen profession. If it’s adult company you crave and looking after DS (understandably) a challenge, why would looking after other people’s children and more of them be any better?

Real issue might be you desperately need a break. Time in the week to be you and decompress. Also time with friends. Whilst you wait for Tribunal work out a way you can get a short term intervention. Couple nights in a hotel even with DH taking A/L.

A flexible working request to finish early 2 afternoons a week and then work from home to make up the hours (depending on the industry/ role he is in) would be more feasible.

Then on those afternoons as soon as he is home you hand over to him fully, he can pick the kids up from school, tea, homework etc… one of the days and the other work as a team to get chores done.

Are the 3.5 hours your son is in school the same everyday? Then use that time for you - not housework/shopping. Find a exercise class you would enjoy, or a hobby, something like this https://www.englandnetball.co.uk/back-to-netball/

You need to change the parts of your life you have control over. That means using the 3.5 hours to find things that fulfill you, rather than spending it doing housework etc Dh will have to step up catching up later.

And/or using evenings and weekends to do something you enjoy, even better if this generates some money. The main thing is that you find fulfilment to give you the energy and ability to endure the rest of the week.

Talk to dh. Say you understand that he can’t give up work but things need to change before you crack. You need as much downtime as he does. Maybe one lie in each per weekend. No him sitting down whilst you beavering away at night.

And look at meeting up with other women in your situation. A problem shared is a problem halved. Just venting will relieve some of the pressure.

Life is unfair. I don’t think splitting will make anything easier. I have my children full time that are all autistic, their father doesn’t see them at all, can’t force it, and I cannot work because my child isn’t in school, I receive no maintenance.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_educational_needs/5309128-ehcp-support-thread-no-5?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share you might find this thread and the previous ones useful OP.

It’s also not helpful to ask him what he’d do if he had 50:50 childcare as some kind of kick start into seeing things your way. The reality is he’d just have to find a way (or not see them 50:50, as above) but he’s not going to be prepared in advance for a major life change like that. You will band your head against a brick wall because until it happens, he has no plans

If your hearing isn’t soon, have you requested an expedited hearing on the basis DS is out of education? Are you also appealing sections B&F?

When was DS 5? If it was last term, he is now compulsory school age, and under section 19 of the Education Act 1996, the LA has a duty to ensure he still receives a suitable full-time education. If he has turned 5 in the last couple days since the start of the year, this won’t apply until next term.

The LA is also still responsible for ensuring anything detailed, specified and quantified in F of the EHCP is provided. Is there anything in there that isn’t being provided at the moment?

You can request social care assessments. A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment by the disabled children’s team for DS. On their website, IPSEA has model letters you can use.

Also look at your local short breaks offer. Although this doesn’t always have anything suitable for some DC.

Being realistic, you can’t actually force him to have the kids 50:50 if you separate. If he only wants a midweek night and every other weekend, there’s no legal route to force him to take them more than that.

Yes, sounds like the family is reliant on your husband working full time, but that shouldn't mean you're tied to home and have to do everything. As @MrsTerryPratchett said below, what about the weekends? I reckon you should get one day off at weekends when husband takes over with the kids, and he should be doing more on weekday evenings. If he worked flexibly and came home earlier, he could do another hour or two working from home later, but have been there to do teatime and bath time with the kids first, giving you a break.

It sounds very hard and I wouldn't do what you do, at any point of my own life.
However, apart from being unfair and mostly shit, life is about choices you make as an adult (at least in this part of the world).
It carries certain advantages to learn this as young as possible.
I wouldn't blame your husband in this case, it sounds his salary is keeping five people housed, clothed and warm.

Perhaps get a weekend job just to get you out of the house and so your DH gets to experience the reality of caring for your DS solo and running the house.

“Every time I see a preschool job come up I feel sad because if DS was full time the hours would be ideal”

Perhaps so, OP, but the idea of the job in your head, and the reality of having to rush off to work, or be called out because one of your DC is unwell, or have to go into work in a day when they’re not at school (PD days vary from school to school) might mean that the actuality would be far more difficult than you are expecting. Is it actually the job you want, or is it a chance to meet other people? Perhaps look into what groups are available for parents with special needs children, and join one of them, so you can meet other parents in a similar position. I don’t think expecting your DH to go part-time is a particularly realistic solution, and working as well as raising young DC is never an easy option. My own DD had to go to work after a night spent in A and E, which she found tough (DH took a day’s leave to look after their LO) - the grass really isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence.

This - I don't think you should be threatening your DH with divorce or getting your child fostered - there is a lot of really crap advice on this thread and you should be careful!

Do you claim dla for your child. Can you use that for childcare for him so that you can work

That doesn’t mean the kid should be ‘fostered out’ or sent to a full time boarding school. The comment was horrible

Yes I thought it was a horrible post. It was essentially suggesting getting rid of the child to someone/somewhere else.

All we know about him/her is he can only manage 3.5 hours in a mainstream primary. That's not extreme and when I was that age in the 70s, would have been mitigated by a later school start (kids used to start in Jan or April of reception if parents wanted). No doubt it'd be a whole day even now if the school had proper resources to support him. But they don't and the EHCP system is snarled up, so they're sending him/her home at lunch.

I agree that it's almost always mums who bear the burden, and that is wrong.

It is also wrong that the school's illegally excluding.

Life is unfair but your DH is more unfair. Of course he doesn't want to rock the boat. This life suits him.

Tell me he at least takes over all weekend.

Horrible?
i agree that the services in the past didn’t work

but I don’t believe the current system works either - it just dumps the load on the mother of severely disabled child. People rightly find it hard to understand how many women give up their lives to support disabled children, how little support there is if those children grow up powerful and violent, how women fear their own death because they are looking after disabled children in their 70s and beyond

women’s lives are sacrificed to the care of the disabled

My god. Foster them out? Imagine.

Yes my DH would have gone part time in that situation

So you could afford for your DH to go p/t without relying on the state?