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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to struggle to get over him when I brought this all on myself?

227 replies

PinkHyperQueen · 03/01/2026 22:12

hey so I’ll try and keep this as brief as I can. basically I made a really stupid decision and I had an affair with my ex during autumn winter of this year after struggling with life for a while now, dealing with trauma, feeling stuck and losing hope. I know this is not an excuse for what I did. I’m a married woman with kids so I should know better. I know I’ve been unhappy with my life for so long and I think this whole thing was to get a break from it all. When I reconnected with my ex in the summer I never set out to have an affair and I’m disgusted in myself for doing so. I do love my husband and kids. I know he would be devastated if he ever were to find out.
The crossing of the line started late October. i invited him round to my house very late at night when my husband and kids were at in laws. I was drunk and had been struggling badly that week. I thought my drink was spiked and I needed someone to look after me to make sure I was ok. We cuddled and talked. Instantly I was brought back to my younger carefree days and I really felt at ease with him like it was the most natural thing in the world. We both realised the connection was still there. At this point I should have cooled off. We started talking every day then a couple weeks later we met up again and it crossed over to a full blown affair. We‘d sneak around several times a week. atrong feelings were involved on both sides. We realised we still loved each other. I wasn’t in the right place to upend my life in case it went wrong because I’m not stable on my own. He wanted to get me pregnant so it would make it easier for me to leave.
a few weeks ago his family found out. He still lives with them and they overheard him on the phone to me and confronted him. We decided that it’s best to end it and to give me time to either rebuild my marriage or leave. I think that’s for the best but I’m really struggling with the whole thing because I miss him so much it hurts. I think about the child we could have had too. I picture a beautiful daughter with dark hair just like him. I picture us being a happy family but I know that can never happen because I don’t have rights to my own house and I’m not successful. My in laws were nasty to me at Christmas and I so badly wanted to see my ex but couldn’t. I keep looking at old photos of us and wishing he was as mature as he is now back then because we would have never broken up.
other stuff has happened lately. He was nasty to me when I was really struggling 2 weeks ago and told me that I’ll never go far in life. that same day my mother in law was nasty and implied that I wasn’t a good mom. After everything that happened I wanted to not be here anymore that day. He has since apologised and he said those things out of hurt and anger.
what do I do? On one hand I want to rebuild my marriage but on the other I want to leave to be with my ex.

OP posts:
MNLurker1345 · 04/01/2026 08:56

MsDogLady · 04/01/2026 08:36

@PinkHyperQueen, I too remember your disturbing first thread as well as a second one you posted after the affair was under way. Like this third thread, the others detailed your reckless, self-indulgent behavior. Your responses to posters’ excellent, wise advice was the same — agreeing that your behavior was disgraceful, self-destructive, and unfair/harmful to your H and children. You admitted reigniting the flame with Ex while initially vowing to resist an affair and agreeing that you desperately need counseling …

I recall that you cheated with two men on Halloween night. Earlier that evening in a bar you allowed a random stranger to touch you intimately. Afterwards you ‘cuddled’ with your Ex in your marital bed. Soon after your affair began and you involved your home and children. You chose to publicly and privately make a mockery of your H, your marriage, and your family.

@PinkHyperQueen, you are in dire need of therapy to strengthen your
self-esteem, learn effective coping strategies, and change your victim mind-set so that you become accountable and make positive choices for yourself and your family.

You must stay away from your Ex and see with clarity that he is abusive. He does not have your or your children’s best interests at heart. He helped you shit all over your H by joining you in H’s bed. He manipulated you by cooing that he wanted to help you be happy and could do that with ‘amazing sex’. Then the coercion began by requiring you to cease sex with H and try for a baby with him (a horrific idea). He also threatened to beat you up if you ever cheated. He treated you poorly previously and is still a nasty piece of work, yet you crave his presence and seek his validation. I wouldn’t let such a pig anywhere near my children.

As for your H, he does not deserve the shit sandwiches you have been serving him. You have stolen his agency and consent, cuckolded him, and jeopardized his health. He deserves to know the truth about his life and marriage, and he needs to hear it from you. He can then decide if he wants to move forward with or without you. If you stay together you must pour your efforts into restoring his trust. If you aren’t committed, leave with decency and integrity.

OP, this is the best advice you could be given. I know ypu must be busy with the 3 little ones, but please don’t just give it your usual glib response “I know, it’s disgusting”, “I know, I am going to stop”, “I know, I wish I
hadn’t”.

Please take your time and absorb what is being said here. You do seem to be brushing it all aside.

There are very serious things at stake here, things are bad, but could get a lot worse. Are you going to seek professional help? If so how and when?

MsDogLady · 04/01/2026 08:36

@PinkHyperQueen, I too remember your disturbing first thread as well as a second one you posted after the affair was under way. Like this third thread, the others detailed your reckless, self-indulgent behavior. Your responses to posters’ excellent, wise advice was the same — agreeing that your behavior was disgraceful, self-destructive, and unfair/harmful to your H and children. You admitted reigniting the flame with Ex while initially vowing to resist an affair and agreeing that you desperately need counseling …

I recall that you cheated with two men on Halloween night. Earlier that evening in a bar you allowed a random stranger to touch you intimately. Afterwards you ‘cuddled’ with your Ex in your marital bed. Soon after your affair began and you involved your home and children. You chose to publicly and privately make a mockery of your H, your marriage, and your family.

@PinkHyperQueen, you are in dire need of therapy to strengthen your
self-esteem, learn effective coping strategies, and change your victim mind-set so that you become accountable and make positive choices for yourself and your family.

You must stay away from your Ex and see with clarity that he is abusive. He does not have your or your children’s best interests at heart. He helped you shit all over your H by joining you in H’s bed. He manipulated you by cooing that he wanted to help you be happy and could do that with ‘amazing sex’. Then the coercion began by requiring you to cease sex with H and try for a baby with him (a horrific idea). He also threatened to beat you up if you ever cheated. He treated you poorly previously and is still a nasty piece of work, yet you crave his presence and seek his validation. I wouldn’t let such a pig anywhere near my children.

As for your H, he does not deserve the shit sandwiches you have been serving him. You have stolen his agency and consent, cuckolded him, and jeopardized his health. He deserves to know the truth about his life and marriage, and he needs to hear it from you. He can then decide if he wants to move forward with or without you. If you stay together you must pour your efforts into restoring his trust. If you aren’t committed, leave with decency and integrity.

Murfmeister · 04/01/2026 06:59

New Year, same shit.

You've been given lots of advice from people previously in all of your previous self-pitying posts, none of which you have listened to.

I feel sorry for your kids in this selfish shit show of a situation.

CJsGoldfish · 04/01/2026 06:03

Needs more dragons

And more excuses

What a self indulgent load of drivel 🙄

Milosc · 04/01/2026 01:01

I see someone else noticed this as well. OP, you know you are wrong. Stop trying to get validation and sympathy for your poor choices and horrible actions.

Original poster
PinkHyperQueen · 04/01/2026 00:51

fraughtcouture · 04/01/2026 00:49

it’s really not funny! All this banging (no pun intended) on about your ex, you don’t seem remotely bothered about your three kids in all this, they barely feature in your narcissistic rambling.

I hope they have other adult caregivers in their young lives than just their obnoxious trainwreck of a mother.

Yes you’re right I need to grow the eff up and I will be doing that

OP posts:
fraughtcouture · 04/01/2026 00:49

it’s really not funny! All this banging (no pun intended) on about your ex, you don’t seem remotely bothered about your three kids in all this, they barely feature in your narcissistic rambling.

I hope they have other adult caregivers in their young lives than just their obnoxious trainwreck of a mother.

Original poster
PinkHyperQueen · 04/01/2026 00:49

GreenLettuceSalad · 04/01/2026 00:46

Is this by any chance a continuation of the post below (where you now are on affair-territory?). Seems so similar as it also noted the OP felt the drink was spiked, calling the ex, cuddling on couch and husband and kids were not at home.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5438402-i-did-something-stupid-at-the-weekend-cant-stop-thinking-about-it-why-do-i-do-stupid-reckless-stuff?page=8

Unfortunately it is

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkHyperQueen · 04/01/2026 00:44

LadyTable · 04/01/2026 00:44

Any more drip feeds?

I need to know whether to start handing out lifejackets?

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
LadyTable · 04/01/2026 00:44

PinkHyperQueen · 04/01/2026 00:29

I do need therapy and I’m going to get help. Another thing popped into my head just there now. When I was having the affair I asked my ex what he would do if I hypothetically cheated on him and he caught it. He said he’d beat the shit out of me and him then leave me

Any more drip feeds?

I need to know whether to start handing out lifejackets?

OneOpenMouse · 04/01/2026 00:43

PinkHyperQueen · 04/01/2026 00:31

Yes and I wish I had listened I really do

Show quote history

I cannot believe this is real. You really need to get professional help OP.

grinchmcgrinchface · 04/01/2026 00:37

PinkHyperQueen · 04/01/2026 00:29

I do need therapy and I’m going to get help. Another thing popped into my head just there now. When I was having the affair I asked my ex what he would do if I hypothetically cheated on him and he caught it. He said he’d beat the shit out of me and him then leave me

Yeah this isn’t a real thread. What a weird thing to make up.

Imapebble · 04/01/2026 00:37

I've only read to page 3 then all the OP's responses but I'm surprised so many people are being kind and supportive here!

OP I have no sympathy for you. I only feel sorry for your poor husband and children.

If you're not happy you leave, there's never an excuse to cheat.

Original poster
PinkHyperQueen · 04/01/2026 00:37

Livelovebehappy · 04/01/2026 00:35

Tbh, I think it’s highly unlikely any of this tale is true. Especially after reading the following:

Also while my DH is decent in bed my ex can really bang me hard and is more experienced. My ex doesn’t have any STD’s I asked. It’s a shitty thing that I have done it really is. I just think I need a good sex toy instead.

I mean….seriously?

I wish it wasn’t true. I really do

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 04/01/2026 00:35

Tbh, I think it’s highly unlikely any of this tale is true. Especially after reading the following:

Also while my DH is decent in bed my ex can really bang me hard and is more experienced. My ex doesn’t have any STD’s I asked. It’s a shitty thing that I have done it really is. I just think I need a good sex toy instead.

I mean….seriously?

Original poster
PinkHyperQueen · 04/01/2026 00:31

OneOpenMouse · 04/01/2026 00:30

OP did you post about this a few months ago? I’m sure I read your last post where you were advised to stop this before it led to a full blown affair.

Yes and I wish I had listened I really do

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkHyperQueen · 04/01/2026 00:30

His sister even warned me that he hasn’t changed and that he’s still the same person as he was years ago. She talked sense into me. She said I have everything to lose whereas he has nothing

OP posts:
OneOpenMouse · 04/01/2026 00:30

OP did you post about this a few months ago? I’m sure I read your last post where you were advised to stop this before it led to a full blown affair.

Original poster
PinkHyperQueen · 04/01/2026 00:29

I do need therapy and I’m going to get help. Another thing popped into my head just there now. When I was having the affair I asked my ex what he would do if I hypothetically cheated on him and he caught it. He said he’d beat the shit out of me and him then leave me

OP posts:
KiwiFall · 04/01/2026 00:24

I remember the first post in October and I actually commented along with others as the night had just happened and you had ended up with your ex on this night out. Lots of us said get therapy, try and work on yourself marriage if that’s what you want or leave your husband (he doesn’t deserve being cheated on) and be on your own. But you obviously haven’t taken any advice on board so not sure what advice you want now that you will follow. Thinking about a child you could have had is very immature of you but the him trying to baby trap you is just as immature.

ChinFluff46 · 04/01/2026 00:17

I think you need therapy.

Janecat23 · 04/01/2026 00:12

The pain and the feelings for this man will
pass. It’s chemical that’s all. Keep reminding yourself that.
do everything you can to build your marriage and stay with him and the kids. You can do it. Very best of luck

fraughtcouture · 04/01/2026 00:12

This can’t be real, no woman with three (!) kids could act so abhorrently and with seemingly zero-self awareness. You don’t deserve your husband or your children. Get a job and some therapy.

also, your hobbies are “social media”, I imagine you’re some kind of wannabe influencer posting endless vapid “content” online claiming your kids are your world aren’t you?!

disgusting, desperate woman, I’m embarrassed for you.

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