“Husband accused me of an affair” threads… not ATAAT but a question.

Glad to hear you got it sorted. Hopefully you can enjoy the summer break with the dc now.

You shouldn’t have to compromise when there is a court order in place - he should adhere to it. It reflects badly on him that he refuses to. Having said that, is he being difficult because he has a legitimate reason to request a variation or just because he wants to be an arse? !

I've been reading your posts since the beginning of your first thread @Devoed

Since the holidays started I have been thinking of you and your DC often, and hoping that KH isn't spoiling your holiday time with DC.

No need to reply, but wanted you to know that people on MN are still thinking of you and wishing you well.

Thank you, we’re all struggling.

External agencies are involved which is very difficult, I’m so sad that DC are in this position. They are unhappy and I feel quite helpless. I’m praying something good comes of this support.

Missed this, but it’s just to be an arse really.

I am already dreading trying to sort Christmas out.

Does the court order not cover Christmas, Devoed?

It gives a pattern that holidays have to be split, and it states what happens on Christmas Eve - Boxing Day but we have to agree what happens around it and in line with the pattern.

The complication is that KH has older DC that he wants everything to tie in with. They don’t follow the same pattern and he keeps making arrangements with their mum that I’m then expected to fall in line with.

I am aware of the arrangements they’ve agreed this year and it’s impossible to follow our agreed pattern and line up with these.

It’s a logistical nightmare.

His other kids are not your issue. You have an agreed pattern and a court order. If that means he has kids on opposite days then that's his problem. Or you could offer to keep your kids for longer until the days that tie in with the others.

I do but this is what he’s being really awkward about…it’s really hard because we do both have to agree which he knows and exercises too.

You need to state this is the court order you will have to change the other DC to fit. Grey rock all the way.

To be honest, the way things are going, I don’t feel we’re fully done with court

I’m not surprised, you were always going to end up with a highly detailed contact schedule because of how he is.

The irony is, we agreed the holidays between us. Christmas, without considering older DC, is straight forward because it’s so mapped out in the order. It’s that he’s now throwing extra bits in

I don't think you need to countenance any extra bits. Refer him to the court order each and every time (I appreciate this is exhausting). I'm sorry to hear it's all such a timewasting annoyance and that you and DC are not happy.

Yep just grey rock “as per court order xyz” on repeat. Not your problem.

What if we both grey rock each other though?
Then what happens?

The court order wins.

This is the issue though, he’s able to manipulate is using DSC.

The holiday pattern should start with KH if he has DSC that weekend. If he’s not meant to have DSC that weekend, he arranges things with their mum so he has which messes things up/means I lose all the weekends as it’s a 3/4 pattern (I luckily don’t work holidays).

So the court order is worded around him having his other DC which isn’t fixed?

I think the tricky part is, sometimes the court order these type of ex's will find the loop hole in anyway they can. For example, my ex says he shpuld be able to tell me on the day the time he will pick them up- anytime between 3-6pm because the court order says 'from school pick up'. I wasn't having that, so for illness and holidays I have said 4pm. He argues about this every other week. Sometimes you have to put the boundary in place, which does follow the court order. In other words, you find the loophole that benefits the kids, you stick with it and you don't back down, just make sure it follows the court order. Look closely at the wording. If you have a positive relationship with the step kid's mum, then i would work with her. Bypass him. Sorry, these type of ex's are draining and it is so hard to manage it all while trying to be the best oarent for the kids. Followed you since the beginning, you're amazing. You can do this. Keep notes of where the issues are in the court order as you may well end uo back in court again, and you can then make sure the next court order is iron clad.

@RandomMess
Basically yes, to ensure they get some time together. DSC are normally there Fri-Fri every other week in the holiday but this got rearranged due to their maternal family holiday. KH then started lying about when he had them to best fit in with his plans (I knew this through DSC mum).

KH also won’t discuss plans with me, it all goes through his solicitor.

It is so draining and this is just a very small element of what’s going on.

I am so tired.

I'm sorry you are tired. I know how it feels, for different reasons. You need to stick to the court agreed plan 100% of the time. When this doesn't work out, you'll need to go back to court. KH is a KH as we all know. It will take time but you will get there.

My legal bill is nearing six figures now, I can’t deal with him without a legal team.

i cannot get over how little support there is for me in dealing with him…but then no one can make him change. So now what? This is our lives forever?

Get the DSC schedule from their Mum. Make arrange contact based on that and only change to fit in with DSC with a minimum of 3 months notice.

Put everything in writing to him and his solicitor. Tell them you are no longer using a solicitor and if he doesn’t believe you are sticking to the court order then take you back to court.

When you make immovable plans - holiday, buy tickets etc based on the current plan the notify him and the DSC Mum in writing saying these are based on the current contact schedule and cannot be changed else your DSC will be disadvantaged.

You can see why the DSC had a rigid CAO that was stuck to.

DSC hasn’t got a rigid schedule, which is what’s caused these issues.

I know from their mum that Christmas is going to be an issue as the best schedule that fits ours doesn’t line up with DSC except for one day. KH has swapped things without asking me and I’m not giving up my time with DC over Christmas. I can’t tell if he just doesn’t think or if he’s intentionally being a KH…I fear it’s the latter