“Husband accused me of an affair” threads… not ATAAT but a question.

It feels a lot worse since court was over.

DC are still struggling, LA now involved but I’m not sure what they can do to help. They can’t change KH and make him communicate or stop trying to get at me through the kids…I feel like he’s subtly hurting them to get at me.

He’s still spreading nonsense about me to cause trouble too.

It’s a mess, and I feel let down by the systems there to act for DC

How are you Devoed ?

I’ve said this over and over. There is an order. He does not get to decide how that order is interpreted to suit him. Ignore and do what is set. Everything else is his problem.

The only think agreed is that I drop them on Christmas Eve lunchtime and collect at a set time of Christmas afternoon. I’m not prepared to forgo that and I also don’t want DC bunching around all over the place. This would mean them not seeing DSC really though which I know he’ll kick off about.

So? He can kick off if he wants, he does not have to like it and he is allowed to have his own feelings about it. None of that needs to affect you. Arrangements for Christmas have already been set out so just stick to the agreement.

You don't need his approval and should stop looking for it.

If DSC are not on a regular schedule and KH wants them to see DC, then it is up to him to alter the DSC's schedule. You and DC will be sticking to the court order.

I would just iterate that we agreed X for Christmas which took into account your regular contact with DSC, if you’ve changed that then that is on you.

This is outing but for Christmas….

KH should have DSC Fri-Fri, Mum have them Fri-Fri and KH then have them Fri-Sun.

However, they’ve agreed that DSC will be there Tues - Sat, plus some time the next week. Normally, Mum would drop them off at lunchtime on Christmas Eve and collect on Christmas Evening.

The only think agreed is that I drop them on Christmas Eve lunchtime and collect at a set time of Christmas afternoon. I’m not prepared to forgo that and I also don’t want DC bunching around all over the place. This would mean them not seeing DSC really though which I know he’ll kick off about.

DSC is 9 times out of 10 a fixed 7/7 but, say the hols started on 1 Aug and it was mums weekend, dad would normally have them 7-14. They switched it so he had them 2-7, and then expected me to do the same after ignoring me for ages.

DC don’t understand the weight to a lot of the questions they’re being asked. I’m not sure the current pattern is working.

I can evidence he lied, yes.

But he isn’t having fixed 7/7 with DSC so that doesn’t work hence the reason you are taking it back to court.

Does your DC enjoy seeing him or want to increase contact. Can you evidence he has lied about his times with DSC?

I’m nervous to go back to court because KH wilL push for 7/7 to fit in with DSC, which DC will hate; and the court may grant it to save on conflict

Yep this is what I would do. I would make it clear that he is completely controlling your life and the order needs to be clear and fixed.

You are making a rod for your own back here @Devoed by trying to negotiate with a man like this. Stick 100% to the order. That’s it. The other children are not your problem, that is for him to organise with their mum. If he doesn’t like it, he can return to court. Orders with “agree between parties” are so open to manipulation and they shouldn’t be allowed in my view.

Then take it back to court, say it’s unreasonable to have your schedule not fixed as you can’t make any plans etc. The DSC can flex around yours.

You can self rep.

DSC hasn’t got a rigid schedule, which is what’s caused these issues.

I know from their mum that Christmas is going to be an issue as the best schedule that fits ours doesn’t line up with DSC except for one day. KH has swapped things without asking me and I’m not giving up my time with DC over Christmas. I can’t tell if he just doesn’t think or if he’s intentionally being a KH…I fear it’s the latter

Get the DSC schedule from their Mum. Make arrange contact based on that and only change to fit in with DSC with a minimum of 3 months notice.

Put everything in writing to him and his solicitor. Tell them you are no longer using a solicitor and if he doesn’t believe you are sticking to the court order then take you back to court.

When you make immovable plans - holiday, buy tickets etc based on the current plan the notify him and the DSC Mum in writing saying these are based on the current contact schedule and cannot be changed else your DSC will be disadvantaged.

You can see why the DSC had a rigid CAO that was stuck to.

My legal bill is nearing six figures now, I can’t deal with him without a legal team.

i cannot get over how little support there is for me in dealing with him…but then no one can make him change. So now what? This is our lives forever?

I'm sorry you are tired. I know how it feels, for different reasons. You need to stick to the court agreed plan 100% of the time. When this doesn't work out, you'll need to go back to court. KH is a KH as we all know. It will take time but you will get there.

@RandomMess
Basically yes, to ensure they get some time together. DSC are normally there Fri-Fri every other week in the holiday but this got rearranged due to their maternal family holiday. KH then started lying about when he had them to best fit in with his plans (I knew this through DSC mum).

KH also won’t discuss plans with me, it all goes through his solicitor.

It is so draining and this is just a very small element of what’s going on.

I am so tired.

I think the tricky part is, sometimes the court order these type of ex's will find the loop hole in anyway they can. For example, my ex says he shpuld be able to tell me on the day the time he will pick them up- anytime between 3-6pm because the court order says 'from school pick up'. I wasn't having that, so for illness and holidays I have said 4pm. He argues about this every other week. Sometimes you have to put the boundary in place, which does follow the court order. In other words, you find the loophole that benefits the kids, you stick with it and you don't back down, just make sure it follows the court order. Look closely at the wording. If you have a positive relationship with the step kid's mum, then i would work with her. Bypass him. Sorry, these type of ex's are draining and it is so hard to manage it all while trying to be the best oarent for the kids. Followed you since the beginning, you're amazing. You can do this. Keep notes of where the issues are in the court order as you may well end uo back in court again, and you can then make sure the next court order is iron clad.

So the court order is worded around him having his other DC which isn’t fixed?

This is the issue though, he’s able to manipulate is using DSC.

The holiday pattern should start with KH if he has DSC that weekend. If he’s not meant to have DSC that weekend, he arranges things with their mum so he has which messes things up/means I lose all the weekends as it’s a 3/4 pattern (I luckily don’t work holidays).

The court order wins.

What if we both grey rock each other though?
Then what happens?

Yep just grey rock “as per court order xyz” on repeat. Not your problem.

I don't think you need to countenance any extra bits. Refer him to the court order each and every time (I appreciate this is exhausting). I'm sorry to hear it's all such a timewasting annoyance and that you and DC are not happy.