Son dumped by gf -update

I completely disagree i don’t think marrying after 5 months means you have met the right person. It’s the honeymoon phase. In your case you did and it worked out well. But that would not be the case for everyone. If you wait a bit it doesn’t necessarily mean you are not with the right person OR the wrong person. It doesn’t mean anything it’s just personal preference for some people.

You dint need mutual consent to end a relationship.
And begging becomes too much when it feels like harassment to the recipient.
He might not like her decision but he does have to accept it.

You obviously haven’t read my posts. I was making a separate point

OP, I do undetstand why you want to make it all better, you love your son and his pain hurts you. Watching your child, regardless of age, suffer kills us parents. I went through it with one of my ds's, when he was heartbroken as I'm sure many readers have with their dc. All you can really do is be supportive and don't criticise her. Nothing but time or meeting a new partner can really make his pain lessen. Your dh is wise and being sensible. Best wishes.

I'm also curious about why the OP's first post was asking if "I" was being unreasonable and I asked the question Is the OP really the son?
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5460505-son-dumped-by-girlfriend-because-i-hadnt-proposed

Considering you get women who complain about men stringing them on for 5,6,7 years -and more in their 20s and 30s perhaps she wanted to cut her losses now. Many women want to conceive before 35 so don’t want to just be drifting along with a partner who doesn’t want to set a timeline.

Fertility considerations aside, if a woman is ready for marriage after 3 years and he isn’t ready to propose or at least have a proper discussion about timelines , it’s understandable a woman wouldn’t feel great about that at any age. Some women don’t want to feel they have had to talk or force a man into marriage.

Also men are not famously great communicators when it comes to sharing relationship stuff with their mum. It’s very possible there have been other issues which the gf has raised and he treated it with the same dismissiveness as he did when she spoke about marriage.

Yes exactly I agree with pp. It’s very strange wording to say this “decision was forced on him”. Breaking up with someone doesn’t require their consent.

And if he was smart he would have tried to arrange to sit down and talk to her about it if he thought there was any chance for them.

Not sending a string of texts or calls when she’s on holiday.

@Anuta77 do you have any idea how disruptive and unpleasant that is? It’s all about him and what he wants though, she was probably turned off further by those actions.

Since when is begging overstepping? Are you serious? You actually think that the GF should put up with his continuing harassment of calling and messaging when she’s told him no?

You’re right people aren’t robots, which is why she’s decided to end the relationship after his attitude towards her.

THe self respect he can learn for HER, because she’s got plenty of it.

When it's been made clear the relationship is over.

No means no. Yes, he does have to accept her decision. When he didn't take no for an answer, he was trying to control her. Her life, her place, her decision.

Since when begging to stay is overstepping?

When it's continual as in the son's case, which could/should be construed as harrassment. She has had to block him for goodness sake! Personally, I would say if one party pleads to stay together and is refused, from then on any further "begging" is overstepping

He's not a robot who just accepts whatever decision is forced on him

That's the sort of thing toxic masculinity promoters say in their stupid yet dangerous videos. Yes, men do have to accept decisions "forced" 🙄on them when a woman isn't interested or rather they should and it's illegal if they don't and carry on not accepting her decision and boundaries. Obviously the same goes for women - funnily enough we don't seem to get as many videos promoting that behaviour in women for some reason? 🤔

This exactly.

I also suspect that there has been a history of the OPs son showing selfish behaviour, and a lack of care for his GF. It's so common, these guys think they can just coast, but best case scenario the GF wakes up to the fact they've been doing the heavy lifting for both of them and leaves him.

Men like OP's son aren't able to reflect that things could have gone very differently if they'd just put in the effort and treated the GF as a person who they actually cared about, instead of a convenience they say they 'love'.

I think it was his relentless calling and begging while she is at a Christmas market in Poland - it became too much and she had to block him.

It sounds like his behaviour was worrying/scary to her so she didn't feel comfortable having him in her home any longer.

It really doesn't seem obvious to me.

It sounds as though she feels she is being taken for granted by someone who doesn't want to commit while he lives in her home.

She wanted to know where he thought the relationship was headed and he refused to discuss it. The relationship is clearly over if he won't discuss it.

Him doing the "huff, huff - well I'll buy a ring if it makes you happy" - only made matters worse. His interest in rings only emerged when he discovered he'd need to find his own housing. What woman wants a pity proposal from a commitment-phobe?

Why does there need to by anyone else involved? She's just got the ick and doesn't want to be strung along for another 3 years - 5 years - 10 years. She's doing the right thing to look for someone who will want to marry her and not drag his feet.

Since when begging to stay is overstepping? He's not a robot who just accepts whatever decision is forced on him, he might have realized his mistake. I agree though that begging is not dignified and he should have respected HIMSELF more.

I doubt it's the first time marriage as a subject has been raised between this couple before. It'd be really unusual for a couple who have been together three years and live together where neither of them has mentioned that they'd like to get married and/or have children in the future.

OP's son's reaction to his GF wanting to discuss their future was a crisis point. Not that anyone needs one, but this was a very good reason to break off a relationship.

Good on her for not putting up with being summarily dismissed by a man who felt entitled to treat her with such contempt for her feelings and hopes for them both as a future couple.

Where is it obvious she has met somebody else? And where does it say she first raised the topic a few months ago?

(As you say you have not read the thread - I read this one and the original and it sounds like you are making stuff up. What I read was a young woman who wanted firm commitment on where the relationship was headed after 3 years. He shot down the discussion so she mulled it over and decided she did not want to remain in a relationship with no clarity over the future after 3 whole years

It seems obvious to me because she's a 27 year old who has been with him just 3 years who first raised this topic for discussion with him a few short months ago. You'd hardly describe that as a crisis point?

It's a bizarre interpretation of the events that OP outlined.

GF wants to know if it's a serious long term relationship that will lead to marriage.
BF (OP's DS) blows her off, wont discuss it, won't commit and calls her silly.
GF waits 3 months and then decides the relationship is going nowhere and calls time.
BF panics and suddenly wants to buy a "shut her up" ring
GF no longer sees a future with 30 year old man who is keen to live at her home but not to commit to the relationship. So the relationship is dead
GF is initially kind, is happy for him to take some weeks (unlikely scenario if she has someone else) but then BF starts harassing/pestering her on her girls' holiday to a Christmas market. So asks him to move out ASAP
BF wants to drag feet and not move out.

They were clearly not on the same page - she wanted to discuss the future while he didn't want to commit. Clearly it was the right thing to break up if he wasn't even prepared to have a discussion.

Why is it obvious?

Why would she be "in the wrong" if her head was indeed turned? She's 27, it's not unusual.

Yes, we can create all sorts of scenarios subconsciously to justify a break-up when it's really about something deeper. Your son did not handle that conversation well a months ago, but if she was really feeling it and really into sharing a life with him, I really don't think it would be a simple "Bye Bye Then!" within the space of a few months. I think the break-up had very little to do with the proposal itself. Break-ups can be so so tough. Nothing for it, only the healing passage of time and as much distraction as possible.

Yeah she's totally fallen for some other guy, head totally turned! That's why she asked her live in BF of three years if he'd sit down and discuss getting married and building a future together.

It's obvious if you think about it, completely logical and not a total reach in order to paint the woman as somehow in the wrong at all... oh wait 😂😂😂

😂

My hubbie took 9 years to propose, we have been happily married for 13 years now. It was tough sitting it out but we brought a house together pre proposal so I knew he was pretty committed. Waiting it out is not for everyone, his Dad had been re married 3 times so he was reluctant for us to get married.

Yes, it has been speculated that the girlfriend had her head turned and has been inching towards the door for a while, but either she did not communicate her feelings well enough or the son had his head up his bum the whole time.