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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think MIL is being an idiot?

35 replies

Artmumcreative · 29/11/2025 20:03

Eighteen month history of MIL blocking and scapegoating me, then when she unblocked me I didn't make contact (she didn't say anything, just unblocked me). I've posted about it before, the outcome was I wasn't being unreasonable.

MIL has seen me, DH, and our toddler once since he got back in contact because she had told BIL that she'd had "a cancer scare" and he told DH that he wasn't going to split the inheritance if it all got left to him.

Since that meeting (carefully timed for one drink at a gastropub- so I'd planned what I was going to have for dinner- during which she ran off to the toilet crying when I returned to the table after walking around with my DD because my DH had said something to upset her) she's made no effort or suggestion to meet up until she messaged DH to 'ask' (read: state) they she sees our DD for one hour on Christmas Day. Our DD is one year old and it takes a lot of work to get her used to e.g. the people that work at her playgroups. It took my parents eighteen months of trying for her to spend time with them in an adjacent room to the one I was in.

I'm not going to try to stop my DH's family from seeing DD but AIBU to think that MIL should be putting a lot more effort in- especially with me, the SAHM- if she wants to have any sort of functional relationship with my and DH's DD?

(N.b. I had a grandmother who didn't put effort in with me and my siblings (because my dad was her least favourite child). Once we were old enough to advocate for ourselves, we just didn't see her.)

OP posts:
Original poster
Artmumcreative · 29/11/2025 21:22

NachoChip · 29/11/2025 20:16

This seems quite unkind OP. Your title calling your MIL an idiot, the cancer scare where the brothers' only interest was the inheritance, and the "she better make effort with me if she wants to see my DD", plus the running to the toilet crying because your DH had upset her, with seemingly no empathy.

What has she actually done wrong? Any chance she's not made an effort because it's abundantly clear you (and your DH) don't like her?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5382247-mil-made-me-the-scapegoat

Further history

MIL made me the scapegoat | Mumsnet

My DH and BIL have an appalling relationship with their mother, including not having spoken for about a year. BIL apparently got back in contact with...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5382247-mil-made-me-the-scapegoat

OP posts:
OneOfEachPlease · 29/11/2025 20:52

OP no one can tell you what to do, on Christmas Day or any other day.
I have found that saying to people “that’s fine, it’s your money, you do what you want with it” quickly make them stop threatening you with inheritance.
The main question here is whether you want to repair this relationship and how you want to go about that.
Time to start being proactive and not just reacting to her.

OneOfEachPlease · 29/11/2025 20:50

FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease · 29/11/2025 20:24

If your child is only one, how's it taken your parents 18 months of trying to spend time with her without you present but in the adjacent room?

Anyway, not the point of the thread.

Where does mil live? Because it's quite ridiculous that you would be expected to factor in a journey to hers, stay for an hour because that's what suits her, then travel back to yours, in the midst of Christmas Day when you are trying to cook dinner, and actually enjoy your day with your husband and child.

If she's virtually next door,.it's still entitled of her to expect it, but logistically maybe possible.

Why can't she come to you for an hour then leave?

Well, you’re one until you’re 23 months and 30(give or take) days.

Endofyear · 29/11/2025 20:44

I would tell DH that he can take the baby to see his mum for an hour if he wants to. And have a peaceful hour to yourself. No need for all the drama!

JLou08 · 29/11/2025 20:39

You don't come off well in your post. It's not clear what MIL did wrong but it is clear that you and DH are only in touch with her to inherit from her and you use your DC as some kind of reward for her making an effort with you.

CherrieTomaties · 29/11/2025 20:24

What does she “block”? Is it your phone number, social media profiles or both? Because that sounds really immature.

Can you give any examples of the “scapegoating”? So we can have some more background and context.

What did your husband say to her in the pub that she ran off crying?

We need more background and info to be able to form a balanced opinion here.

FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease · 29/11/2025 20:24

If your child is only one, how's it taken your parents 18 months of trying to spend time with her without you present but in the adjacent room?

Anyway, not the point of the thread.

Where does mil live? Because it's quite ridiculous that you would be expected to factor in a journey to hers, stay for an hour because that's what suits her, then travel back to yours, in the midst of Christmas Day when you are trying to cook dinner, and actually enjoy your day with your husband and child.

If she's virtually next door,.it's still entitled of her to expect it, but logistically maybe possible.

Why can't she come to you for an hour then leave?

Zempy · 29/11/2025 20:18

It seems like you are all barely on speaking terms so I don’t think I would prioritise her on Christmas Day. Maybe I have misunderstood?

NachoChip · 29/11/2025 20:16

This seems quite unkind OP. Your title calling your MIL an idiot, the cancer scare where the brothers' only interest was the inheritance, and the "she better make effort with me if she wants to see my DD", plus the running to the toilet crying because your DH had upset her, with seemingly no empathy.

What has she actually done wrong? Any chance she's not made an effort because it's abundantly clear you (and your DH) don't like her?

FionnulaTheCooler · 29/11/2025 20:10

Our DD is one year old and it takes a lot of work to get her used to e.g. the people that work at her playgroups. It took my parents eighteen months of trying for her to spend time with them in an adjacent room to the one I was in

This comes across as a bit precious, I really don't think your DD being around your MIL, presumably with you and your DH present, for one hour is that big a deal. I'd love to know what your DH said during the pub meal to upset her too because the way you've worded your post seems to suggest you only agreed to meet to protect your inheritance.

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