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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL is being an idiot?

35 replies

Artmumcreative · 29/11/2025 20:03

Eighteen month history of MIL blocking and scapegoating me, then when she unblocked me I didn't make contact (she didn't say anything, just unblocked me). I've posted about it before, the outcome was I wasn't being unreasonable.

MIL has seen me, DH, and our toddler once since he got back in contact because she had told BIL that she'd had "a cancer scare" and he told DH that he wasn't going to split the inheritance if it all got left to him.

Since that meeting (carefully timed for one drink at a gastropub- so I'd planned what I was going to have for dinner- during which she ran off to the toilet crying when I returned to the table after walking around with my DD because my DH had said something to upset her) she's made no effort or suggestion to meet up until she messaged DH to 'ask' (read: state) they she sees our DD for one hour on Christmas Day. Our DD is one year old and it takes a lot of work to get her used to e.g. the people that work at her playgroups. It took my parents eighteen months of trying for her to spend time with them in an adjacent room to the one I was in.

I'm not going to try to stop my DH's family from seeing DD but AIBU to think that MIL should be putting a lot more effort in- especially with me, the SAHM- if she wants to have any sort of functional relationship with my and DH's DD?

(N.b. I had a grandmother who didn't put effort in with me and my siblings (because my dad was her least favourite child). Once we were old enough to advocate for ourselves, we just didn't see her.)

OP posts:
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Francestein · 09/01/2026 07:30

I wouldn’t be able to help myself

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TheSmallAssassin · 30/11/2025 12:46

It sounds like your MiL said one thing that you didn't like and you have completely vilified her. You are not coming across well here.

Uricon2 · 30/11/2025 12:41

Well OP, it doesn't say much for his character if his only reason for reconciliation is fear of potentially losing out on her money. In your situation I wouldn't be going along with it and I'd leave your DH to sort out any relationship he wants him and your daughter to have with his mother.

Original poster
Artmumcreative · 30/11/2025 11:41

Uricon2 · 30/11/2025 10:41

MIL has seen me, DH, and our toddler once since he got back in contact because she had told BIL that she'd had "a cancer scare" and he told DH that he wasn't going to split the inheritance if it all got left to him.

This reads like the only reason your DH resumed contact with her is fear for his inheritance. Whatever your MILs faults, this is pretty bad. You must see that?

Of course I see that. I offered to sell my flat to part-fund a new home if he just wanted money. I've also offered to arrange to meet up with his mother, in the knowledge that if I don't, Christmas is going to be awkward AF. I need him to also make an effort rather than having his mum dictate when and where (last time was a Wetherspoon's) we see her. I'd like to suggest a soft play or something so DD can enjoy it.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 30/11/2025 11:11

I wouldn't bother making any arrangements to see her. Your relationship with her is non-existent and she sounds very unpleasant.

If your DH wants her to see his daughter, he can arrange something but obviously not on Christmas Day.

Uricon2 · 30/11/2025 10:41

MIL has seen me, DH, and our toddler once since he got back in contact because she had told BIL that she'd had "a cancer scare" and he told DH that he wasn't going to split the inheritance if it all got left to him.

This reads like the only reason your DH resumed contact with her is fear for his inheritance. Whatever your MILs faults, this is pretty bad. You must see that?

DamsonIcecream · 30/11/2025 10:28

Let it go. Honestly, do the whole family a favour and draw a line, smile and make friends. It won’t be the same as it was but it’ll save you a whole heap of grief. Neither of you come out of your story particularly well. It’s not edifying seeing a younger woman block her husband’s mum out of their lives and continuing on this trajectory will bring you all pain.

My mil isn’t perfect and has said/done highly irritating/eyebrow-raising things. But she’s 90 now and I’m very glad she’s in our lives and we can help out as needed.

I wish you well.

Original poster
Artmumcreative · 30/11/2025 10:22

I know people who had babies that they formula fed, and only the parents are allowed to do so.

OP posts:
Original poster
Artmumcreative · 30/11/2025 10:18

She told me to "get some formula in" and commented that she wanted to feed my baby.

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Original poster
Artmumcreative · 30/11/2025 10:17

TwinklyNight · 29/11/2025 23:17

😐I am just happy that my dil accepts me, warts and all.

I made a huge effort with her, I used to go to her knitting group with her until I was too heavily pregnant to travel each week, we went to art galleries together, she was desperate for me to marry her son (my parents didn't want me to get married).
Then she overstepped the mark by telling me to formula feed for HER benefit- not mine or my DD's- and then DH (who has always had an appalling relationship with her) had a go at her for upsetting me, she said I was hormonal and lying, blocked me and my DH on all forms of digital communication, and hasn't acknowledged me since apart from we've seen her once for an hour (her decision to put a time limit on it, she also brought my BIL with her presumably as her witness??), I asked her how she is, she said "fine".

OP posts:
SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 30/11/2025 10:13

Not the point of the thread but what a fucking prince!
he told DH that he wasn't going to split the inheritance if it all got left to him.
😅😅😅😅

Sounds like her relationship with dh is the main issue you are collateral damage within that. (Note the use of triangulation whereever possible by mil)

I'd keep my powder dry its going to be a long game and offer christmas eve (on the basis of no travel / wanting a break on the day itself) and go round for an hour, a cup of tea and opening some toys and times up.

Fwiw neither of my babys first christmas' were that magical/ special. I remember visiting santa etc much more than the day itself (of which i recall close to zero)
Now they are 3 and 2 looking forward to it / will cherish a lot more.

Mollydoggerson · 30/11/2025 10:13

You are not beholden to her, that loss of control makes her resentful and insecure.

You seem v over the top and precious about the baby. Let MIL take the baby for an hour on Xmas day, can't your DH be on hand in case MIL needs help or baby needs soothing.

My uninvolved in laws are now muscling back in, now that my children are 16 and 17, it's annoying, but also who really cares. My teenagers want to be with their friends, the in laws will only get fleeting attention. Be aloof.

Original poster
Artmumcreative · 30/11/2025 10:04

Marmalady75 · 29/11/2025 22:32

I wonder what your mil’s version of events is?

So do I!

OP posts:
Original poster
Artmumcreative · 30/11/2025 10:03

I don't care about the inheritance. I'll have my own inheritance from my side of the family, I don't need my DH's money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Artmumcreative · 30/11/2025 10:02

MIL has never told me what I've done! DH has suggested that I "stole her son [him] away from her". She wanted me to formula feed my DD because she wanted to feed my baby (to paraphrase). We used to get on really well, then the formula comment happened when I was heavily pregnant, I was really upset and told my DH, she said I was lying and hormonal, so I told DH that I didn't want to be on my own with her if she was going to say things and lie about them, he passed that on. I don't have evidence of what was said because each time they fall out she deletes the family chat and starts a new one.

So I don't know what I've done other than give my daughter the best start in life I possibly could.

OP posts:
NachoChip · 29/11/2025 23:41

Artmumcreative · 29/11/2025 21:22

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5382247-mil-made-me-the-scapegoat

Further history

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Thanks but to be honest, OP, the only thing I've learned from the original thread is that you, too, seem interested in getting your hands on the inheritance. Your MIL "hasn't bothered" to be in touch with your child for a year, you've let that go, but you discover you might be cut out of the inheritance and suddenly you want to make contact.

If there is more to this...i.e. what is it MIL has done and what has she accused you of...that might be helpful.

TwinklyNight · 29/11/2025 23:17

😐I am just happy that my dil accepts me, warts and all.

TomatoSandwiches · 29/11/2025 22:43

Do you mean she wants to see DD alone for an hour?

ComtesseDeSpair · 29/11/2025 22:34

You’ve clearly got a longstanding difficult relationship, so I think it’s pretty unlikely she’s going to suddenly start trying to communicate with or “make an effort with” you. Just let DH field communication. If she’d like to see DD on Christmas Day he can give her a convenient time slot when she can visit; if that doesn’t work for her then they can arrange another time another day.

Marmalady75 · 29/11/2025 22:32

I wonder what your mil’s version of events is?

PrincessofWells · 29/11/2025 22:26

You really do need to grow up . . .

CherrieTomaties · 29/11/2025 22:23

You’ve added no context or extra information by linking your other thread.

How has she “scapegoated” you? What was her reason? What actually happened?
What did your husband say to her in the pub that made her run off crying?

This is all so baffling. But in a nutshell if your MIL wants to see your children over Christmas then your husband should facilitate. You don’t need to get involved with her if you don’t want to.

PigeonsandSquirrels · 29/11/2025 21:43

Artmumcreative · 29/11/2025 21:22

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5382247-mil-made-me-the-scapegoat

Further history

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That’s just a repeat of what you’ve said here while still leaving out all of the details

Poppyseeds79 · 29/11/2025 21:30

Are you sure that BIL isn't just stirring the pot to ensure he does get the inheritance? (not that the promise of money should impact on either his or your DHs choice to see her).

Did you not bother to ask your DH what was said? If you decide to go round for an hour then I'm sure you're not planning on leaving your DD alone there? (so no idea what the problem is there either really).

You all 4 of you sound very dramatic to be honest. Either try with the hour visit or don't. It's as simple that.

Changingplace · 29/11/2025 21:29

Artmumcreative · 29/11/2025 21:22

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5382247-mil-made-me-the-scapegoat

Further history

Show quote history

That still doesn’t give any context about what you’re the scapegoat for or what any of these issues are actually about?

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