To ask how to protect my daughter from my son?

It’s abuse with an excuse.
So very sorry that happened to you.

I’m surprised you even had a second baby op. This is a huge problem.

@WhaleRiders many of the local charities aren't only Autism many are special needs as well which your son will fall into.

I'm not sure where you are based in North East Scotland there is one call SensationAll which offers practical advice as well as information.

Singing hands is online and is for a wide range and teaches signing through singing play and games which might also help.

For everyone talking about ‘residential care’ please read this thread. It explains in detail what ‘care’ is available to people in OP’s situation aka none

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4886346-to-wish-i-didnt-have-my-3yo-son

I think if you contact your local council they can give you information on residential care and help you with seeking assessment. I know there are some that take from 4.
they provide more one to one support to meet needs that understandably can’t be provided in the home. I know it will be a worrying thought but it may be for the best and may not be forever.
my nephew ended up in residential care because of his high needs and he’s so happy all the time there and can visit anytime.

I mean if one of the hurled toys has caused a skull fracture (quite easy on a newborn baby), Children’s Social Care absolutely will be intervening. I agree with another poster though, if it ever got to removal stage it would be the baby who was removed, not the older child.

So many posters seem to think you can just phone social services, say the sibling is in danger and they’ll wave a magic wand and find him a wonderful local adoptive family, it just doesn’t work this way. Social services prioritise the highest risk children - kids that are being beaten up by their parents, or the parents are addicted to drugs and prostituting, or the parents are in jail/dead. OP’s son is not going to come close to the top of this list - and it’s doubtful they would consider DD at the top of the list either as her brother is 3 and therefore not seen as a violent neglectful adult.

This is so well put. Also, applies to people suggesting that the 4 year old is medicated. It isn't going to happen, it just doesn't work like that.

OP does need to tell Children’s Social Care though, because there have been incidents where a 6 month old baby (and presumably when she was younger too) has not been protected from serious harm and there is a risk of further significant harm.

Some of the suggestions on here are pretty solid and some are also coming from extensive experience. I have two severely disabled children and they have both been very violent in the past. Touch wood (definitely don't want to tempt fate), we have been able to prevent any real harm because we have learnt (very fast) how to adapt to the situation.

OP - when my eldest was 4 he was really violent, completely non verbal and it was a nightmare. He is now verbal and so gentle and cries at the thought of other people getting hurt. You really never know how they'll develop.

@HeyGuysItsNicole what happened to you is horrific, I'm so sorry.

I don't think anyone is saying that it's ok that the baby is being hurt. But it really isn't the case that OP just phones SS and they'll step in and remove the disabled child. The problem is finding the support that is desperately needed to get the family out of crisis.

Your own history is going to make this all super triggering for you but here OP is looking for mechanisms to keep her baby safe. I think the solution many PPs seem to be serving up to her - having the older one put into care - is deeply, deeply unrealistic. That doesn't mean I think it's fine for the baby to be in danger. No one is saying that's ok. But options for families in this situation are very limited and OP needs professional advice, not people making incorrect assumptions about what is possible.

Another thing there seems to be an impression that there is no potential for improvement in the longer term, while there are no guarantees even with a developmental delay children do develop over time.

Also decisions made for an older child might have less traumatic impact than those for a 4 year old.

People who are saying 'just have him removed from the home and put into care' seem to think this is a lot more simple than it actually is, on both an emotional and a practical level.

This is the OP's own child. If he needs residential care one day, then so be it, but I don't think many parents would find it at all easy to put their own four-year-old into care, no matter how difficult the situation.

OP, you've had much better and more compassionate advice here than you're getting from the people saying 'lock him up' or 'have him removed', so I hope you'll get some professional support. This must be an incredibly difficult situation for you; I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be on every level.

I have no experience of this but just wanted to say I wouldn’t judge anyone in this situation. It’s one of those you never thought would be you and no-one is equipped to deal with it when it is.

I watched a BBC iPlayer program (I think) on some women with pre-teen/teen DCs who had complex needs. Mostly boys. They were subjected to what I can only describe as being beaten up and physical attacks on a very regular basis (including A&E trips) and got such little support. It was awful for everyone involved including the DC.

Get support as early as you can and take care of yourself too.

A lot of people are determined to be offended when it comes to abuse and SEN.
there's thread after thread on this web page with young kids (lots of girls) getting assaulted and abused by SEN kids, but the protection just isn't there for the victims when SEN is involved. You see it on here all the time. 'You're talking about a disabled child' - yes, I know, but regardless of the child's disability it's not going to aid the pain or make the attacks any less impactful for the victim is it? This is a young baby being hit and injured.

I am a prime example of not being protected. There was a boy with Asperger's on my estate who always hung around with us younger girls playing. The parents pushed it and pushed it because he 'had special needs.'

the boy raped me when I was 8 years old.

women and girls need protecting, no matter the relation, age or disability and I'm sick to the back teeth of it getting down played on here.

before i get flamed, i an ND myself and so is my DD.

I'm so sorry OP, how unbelievably stressful and upsetting for you.

As an immediate solution I would get a sling and keep your baby in it as much as possible, so that she's physically away from the 4yo.

You then urgently need therapeutic support for your son and for you. Ask your health visitor and GP for advice on the best thing for him - some combination of medication, therapy or psychiatric input will help you to improve things. Do you have the means to pay for additional support?

If a full time nursery place isn't available could you hire a nanny to be at home with you so you have another adult on hand to help manage his behaviour?

Please do. You've been exactly zero help

You’re clearly determined to be offended. I’ve clarified my point and I’ll leave it there.

@WhaleRiders The SEN board might be a good place for your question. There will be lots of people there who have been through similar experiences.

I have a relative with a learning disability in my family OP who we also had to watch because they could inadvertently hurt younger visiting children. I really feel for you, it's an incredibly difficult situation that you're in. You need to safeguard your daughter from your son (it's not fair she's at risk and scared), but equally it is not your sons fault and you need to safeguard him too (shutting him in a room temporarily to safely manage/diffuse a situation is one thing, but you cannot - as some posters have suggested - lock him in a room as a solution. That would be hugely distressing for him and be abusive).

I think that what you're doing now isn't working - your son sounds unhappy, your daughter is scared and being attacked, and you are at the end of your tether. Also at some point your system might fail and your son is able to get to your daughter when you're not there (eg overnight, if you are on the toilet etc). I think you need support and professional input, and urgently. This is a really challenging situation. I would contact your GP and also speak to your sons nursery and social services. And any relevant charities people suggest.

As others have said, I think you also need to minimise the risk as much as you possibly can - carry your daughter and remove anything that your son could hurt her with (eg books, hard toys, etc). Use strong stair gates. I'd also consider a high up bolt (at the very top of the door so your son can't access) on the door where your daughter sleeps (I'm guessing it's in with you?) so your son can't access that room when she's asleep. Although that needs careful thought to make sure your son or daughter can't become trapped.

I wish you luck, it's an incredibly difficult situation. Please reach out to some professionals as I think this is only going to get harder for you.

Saying that you hope someone reports her because it is clear she isn't going to do anything isn't an attack? FML.