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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think monogamy survives mostly on denial, not devotion?

63 replies

SteadyStormJay · 04/11/2025 16:08

Most people who preach loyalty also flirt with escape. We like the idea of forever, not the practice.

AIBU to think monogamy only works when both partners keep choosing it daily, not pretending it’s effortless?

OP posts:
FlatErica · 04/11/2025 17:30

I only love my partner and I don’t fancy anyone else so it’s pretty easy for me.

TattooStan · 04/11/2025 17:29

I guess I choose monogamy because I'm a fairly straightforward and moral person and couldnt be sneaking around telling lies, and wouldn't treat my husband with that degree of disrespect.
It's not easy or hard, it just...is.

phantomofthepopera · 04/11/2025 17:29

Disagree. I don’t choose to be monogamous, there’s no conscious effort. I’ve never looked at another man in 16 years with DH. I’m still deeply in love and he is the only man I want. If he went under a bus tomorrow I’m sure I’ll be single forever.

littleburn · 04/11/2025 17:26

ginasevern · 04/11/2025 17:16

But you're assuming that most married people are constantly "eyeing up" or itching for an opportunity for escape or have extra-marital sex. If that was the case, then yes, it would be an enormous effort to stay monogamous.

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Yeah, that’s the bit I’m struggling to follow, that monogamy has to be an active, ‘daily intention’ rather than just a state of existence that most of us don’t give much thought to. I don’t think most people’s default is to be actively eyeing up others every day!

Edited to say, but if it is I rather admire their energy levels. Between work and family I simply don’t have the time to either question or actively work on my monogamy!

ginasevern · 04/11/2025 17:16

SteadyStormJay · 04/11/2025 16:28

Haha no, not Brad Pitt-level daydreaming

I meant more the quiet “what ifs” - the mental exits people keep open when things get routine. The idea that monogamy only feels natural when it’s new but over time it needs active recommitment rather than autopilot. I think a lot of people underestimate that part.

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But you're assuming that most married people are constantly "eyeing up" or itching for an opportunity for escape or have extra-marital sex. If that was the case, then yes, it would be an enormous effort to stay monogamous.

spoonbillstretford · 04/11/2025 17:12

As soon as I was committed to DH, I stopped acting like a single person, and apart from occasional crossed wires or chancers, I just don't give off vibes that I'm single or available in any way, and don't flirt or talk to someone in the same way as I did when I was single. So the opportunity would never arise as I'm not looking for it, and though I am not bad looking, I'm not giving off body language that says I'm available, so it's never an issue.

Original poster
SteadyStormJay · 04/11/2025 17:12

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 04/11/2025 17:06

I’ve been with my husband 22 years…..we’re only 36.
It is effortless! We’ve faced hard times together (infertility, miscarriages, he suddenly became seriously ill and developed a life long condition that affects him and our family) but our relationship was the easiest part of all that.
Hes says the same! I feel incredibly lucky to have found my person I want to be with so young!
You sound bitter OP, who has hurt you?

I’m glad you’ve found that kind of ease. I’m not bitter at all though! This was more of a reflection on how different relationships can be - for some people it’s effortless, for others it takes daily intention. Both can be genuine love. I just find the psychology of it interesting.

OP posts:
Original poster
SteadyStormJay · 04/11/2025 17:08

ApathyCentral · 04/11/2025 17:02

You have ‘what ifs’? And things get monotonous? Weird.

I’m still having an adventure with him. I’ve never needed to look elsewhere and I’m not bored. It’s been 20 years. I think I’m good for the long haul.

That’s how it should be when it works well. I don’t think having “what ifs” necessarily means boredom or disloyalty though; for some people, it’s just part of being self-aware. Even in great relationships, people can reflect on the idea of choice and still stay deeply committed.

OP posts:
MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 04/11/2025 17:06

I’ve been with my husband 22 years…..we’re only 36.
It is effortless! We’ve faced hard times together (infertility, miscarriages, he suddenly became seriously ill and developed a life long condition that affects him and our family) but our relationship was the easiest part of all that.
Hes says the same! I feel incredibly lucky to have found my person I want to be with so young!
You sound bitter OP, who has hurt you?

ApathyCentral · 04/11/2025 17:02

You have ‘what ifs’? And things get monotonous? Weird.

I’m still having an adventure with him. I’ve never needed to look elsewhere and I’m not bored. It’s been 20 years. I think I’m good for the long haul.

BruFord · 04/11/2025 17:01

Barso · 04/11/2025 16:53

Tbh my first reaction when I hear someone had an affair is 'how could they be bothered?' All that sneaking around and lying sounds exhausting and stressful.

@Barso I agree, I’m far too lazy to sneak around, just can’t be bothered.

Plus making an effort with another man sounds exhausting, DH requires enough attention already. 😂

NikkiPotnick · 04/11/2025 16:59

Barso · 04/11/2025 16:53

Tbh my first reaction when I hear someone had an affair is 'how could they be bothered?' All that sneaking around and lying sounds exhausting and stressful.

It does! The whole concept has never seemed very desirable to me. I assume the people who do it are getting enough out of it to justify the downsides, but I can't say I fancy the idea.

InfoSecInTheCity · 04/11/2025 16:59

Barso · 04/11/2025 16:53

Tbh my first reaction when I hear someone had an affair is 'how could they be bothered?' All that sneaking around and lying sounds exhausting and stressful.

Yup.

i never want to date again. Been with DH for 25 years and happy staying with just him.

fan783 · 04/11/2025 16:53

I find monogamy easy, if it was going to be a struggle I wouldn't have got married.

Barso · 04/11/2025 16:53

Tbh my first reaction when I hear someone had an affair is 'how could they be bothered?' All that sneaking around and lying sounds exhausting and stressful.

PrincessC0nsuelaBananaHammock · 04/11/2025 16:49

SteadyStormJay · 04/11/2025 16:45

When things are good, monogamy probably does feel effortless. I’m more interested in how people handle it when that effortless stage wears off. For some, staying devoted becomes an intentional act rather than just a feeling. That’s the bit I think most people gloss over.

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I can only go on my own experience, but I've been with DH for 30 years. Monogamy has always been effortless to me. Even during the bad times (and there have, of course, been a few over the years), I never wanted to go elsewhere.

BruFord · 04/11/2025 16:49

I agree that it’s a choice @SteadyStormJay but it’s not a difficult choice if you’re in a happy relationship.

Most people in LTR’s have other options from time to time, even though we’re not looking for them. We choose to ignore them, because our partner is worth it IYSWIM.

Original poster
SteadyStormJay · 04/11/2025 16:45

PrincessC0nsuelaBananaHammock · 04/11/2025 16:38

Depends on how happy you are in your relationship, surely? Monogamy is effortless to me, I don't want anyone else other than my DH.

When things are good, monogamy probably does feel effortless. I’m more interested in how people handle it when that effortless stage wears off. For some, staying devoted becomes an intentional act rather than just a feeling. That’s the bit I think most people gloss over.

OP posts:
NikkiPotnick · 04/11/2025 16:43

SteadyStormJay · 04/11/2025 16:35

I’m totally fine and that’s great that it feels effortless for you! I think that’s kind of my point though, for some people it is a daily choice, even when they’re happy. It’s less about being tempted and more about staying emotionally intentional, rather than assuming devotion just runs on autopilot forever.

Show quote history

Some people, yes. Doesn't follow that it's a majority, you're overreaching there. For some of us it's just not particularly difficult.

On sex specifically, one reason I don't particularly care for the idea of escape is that thinking someone's attractive doesn't mean they're going to do it for me sexually as DH does. I don't think the bedroom performance of the male species as a whole is such that a sensible woman could presume any given liaison with someone who doesn't know her body well is automatically going to be satisfying. That was not the case for me prior to DH. And that's one reason it doesn't feel particularly hard, no pun intended.

PrincessC0nsuelaBananaHammock · 04/11/2025 16:38

Depends on how happy you are in your relationship, surely? Monogamy is effortless to me, I don't want anyone else other than my DH.

Original poster
SteadyStormJay · 04/11/2025 16:35

toomuchfaff · 04/11/2025 16:22

YABU

who hurt you? are you ok

I choose monogamy every day. I love my husband, I chose him. If someone flirts with me, I cut it down, i dont flirt with others, I dont market myself as available because I'm not. Its effortless. I don't put effort into not flirting with others.

I’m totally fine and that’s great that it feels effortless for you! I think that’s kind of my point though, for some people it is a daily choice, even when they’re happy. It’s less about being tempted and more about staying emotionally intentional, rather than assuming devotion just runs on autopilot forever.

OP posts:
Screwyoucolin · 04/11/2025 16:35

Reads like somebody writing an article tbh.

Randomlygeneratedname · 04/11/2025 16:32

I wouldn't say I think a lot about staying faithful/staying with DH it just is. I love him very much and being with him isn't effort, he's my safe space. We've been together 16 years, I can't see it changing.

Boomer55 · 04/11/2025 16:30

If you love and respect someone, no effort is involved. You work through the stressy times, celebrate the good times and enjoy life.👍

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