Aibu to not bother brushing her teeth then? She’s causing so much stress and anxiety and I’ve had enough!

We have some success with chocolate flavour toothpaste and the pokemon toothbrushing app. But it is a real battle. DS is 10 now and doesn't get any more amenable to it. He's most likely PDA and we're awaiting an assessment.

We use 2 min toothbrushing song videos etc on kids YouTube on our phones. Also for nail cutting, hair cutting, etc. It works, in fact my DS love it and it helps us coax him into bedtime routine, and we’ll do it for years if that what it takes to keep those teeth smiling.

Our dental hygenist told me she tackles and pins her kids down to do it 😝

Went through this with my daughter, she was a bit younger 3 I think. I snapped one night, got my phone out showed her pictures of rotten teeth, literally the most disgusting pictures I could find, told her that is what will happen if she doesn’t brush her teeth and that it will be painful. She was upset and scared by it, she talked about it in bed that night “daddy will that really happen to my teeth” was pretty worried about it. DH was upset with me said I frightened her and it wasn’t appropriate. Guess what, she started brushing her teeth and we never had another issue again. Probably not my finest parenting moment but it worked and it’s better than the alternative which is being scared over teeth fillings, injections and extractions and not just pictures.

I also used to get my child to lie down and sit above the top of their head so you can see better to clean the teeth.

It might be a sensory issue.
Try tasteless toothpaste with an electric toothbrush, I start getting DS to chew on the brush while relaxing watching tv, with a tiny bit of paste. No pressure.
These days he's a lot better.

With my autistic child, we have used a variety of techniques.

Asda do toothbrushes for 25p a pack. My child would get a fresh one with a bit of kiddy toothpaste and just chew the toothbrush.

I've used silicon baby toothbrushes to chew on too.

Also, the 3 headed toothbrushes.

If all else fails, a muslin cloth over your forefinger with a bit of toothpaste on and give the teeth a good rub.

All of the above is better than nothing.

You can get unflavoured toothpaste too on Amazon.

This is exactly how I brush my DS teeth every morning and night. We are responsible for our children's dental health, there is no choice.

Honestly, for her sake you must. My mother didn’t bother with me or my sibling’s and I’ve had a lot of pain and expense as a result.

Wrap firmly in a towel, sit her on your lap, tip her back and brush her teeth.

We had this.

At night we let our 3.5 yr old watch a short YouTube cartoon while we brush her teeth (she gets no tv mon-fri with us) and we brush 2 x per day.

Doing it more frequently made it easier.

We let her "choose" and We religiously follow through of she choses not too.
If she chooses not to brush we neutrally say okay but no sweet things today.
Thats it. She whines...we ignore and carry on with routine or distract. The most I'll say is "you can change your choice if you want"

We take the toothbrush and paste out with us.
She gets different snacks and if she decides she wants a pastry she is reorffered opp to brush. She can choose what to do.

Evening we just show the cartoon while brushing

Now she brushes 2x per day no bother/ with mild irritation but resignation

Oh what are they called and where from please?

For those that are against the “ pin down “ method
I didn’t sit on my DC chest , I held their arms against their sides and used the other hand to brush their teeth
Yes it’s like a body lock
No it wasn’t forever
Did it work , yes , it was calm , no shouting , they opened their mouth , I brushed their teeth , they cried but I’d rather they cried and had good dental health than this never happened and they had rotten extractions
Also , all good now , perfectly rounded children 🤨

Could she potentially have a very sensitive gag reflex? We had to force DS and suddenly one day at the dentist it dawned on me what the problem could be. I gag very easily and really struggle to keep my mouth open at the dentist to the point they seem to really hate me. When brushing I have to spit very frequently.

I went home and did DS’ teeth again but this time every two seconds took the brush out again to let him swallow (this was baby toothpaste but later changed to let him spit). From that moment onwards he was absolutely fine and built up stamina but can still only tolerate the brush in his mouth for a few seconds. It’s no issue though - as long as he can do that he’s happy for us to keep going back in.

We tried all the hey duggee and videos and fun toothbrushes and felt awful after I realised what the issue had been especially since I struggle with the same thing but hadn’t even considered it for some reason.

Could you ask her if it’s that? If so she could build up gradually and be allowed to be in control and also try smaller brushes etc.

Fyi- I've never and would never sit on my kids to pin them. Dentist we saw advised sitting on the floor, lying them in front of you with their head in the middle of your legs and then each of your legs over an arm and leg. Then you use one hand to pull lower jaw open and other hand to brush.

Never hurt anyone or restricted breathing and very good view of teeth.

Fyi- I've never and would never sit on my kids to pin them. Dentist we saw advised sitting on the floor, lying them in front of you with their head in the middle of your legs and then each of your legs over an arm and leg. Then you use one hand to pull lower jaw open and other hand to brush.

Never hurt anyone or restricted breathing and very good view of teeth.

I sometimes pin down my ds to brush if he won’t do it. It’s non negotiable! He’s 3. Mostly he’s ok to do it and let me have a go but occasionally kicks up a fuss. Don’t give in because she’ll know there’s fight to be had to get her way! Better to be very very firm today for an easier time for you tomorrow!

Mine seems to have genuine problems with normal toothpaste (she even gags and coughs if I brush my teeth next to her, and she's not doing it for effect) so I now buy completely unflavoured toothpaste at great flipping expense. She now tolerates it, after also having months of doing everything PPs said. Having a bedtime routine and going away downstairs if she refused teeth (and following through) had to be done, and there were tears, but I persevered and now we're ok.m

There are also lots of character videos and songs for tooth brushing on YouTube

This does sound like sensory issues. Things that helped my autistic DC at the same age (and continue to help!)

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dr-Barmans-Superbrush-Compact-Toothbrush/dp/B0D62ZDW98/ref=sr_1_6?crid=2SDFWLL9E38MR&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.9AVs-NeYea0I9uRMqtY17zvyXiY46zwwVpqGFlbz0tMmmSxXytAQ1YErbUFweawKzXVyTYcGxXV-XjSLCO_k7Q6M9C7x8jiuZFC0kTyBtDj5N4tLT-M7m1Ue_ylCh9WDaYkggjPpNsbsVf5c3VTgWN9Wbre6I7omn2RSZflCMQoH6e2XwD1OewCNzCOxxUBEy7IdQU-BJhfEYwg6WSVabmj15AglQqUy0i4rOR18TNmx5zl64J95cPqxaeP-JJcw-OVUjiTLL7mJlTJSo7OKDhhz1nZIAeJykUmBoNrvzUk.uB_6LXN1IYXy_L8-aewQ5nZzm3YUOTx_4aTreQimwDY&dib_tag=se&keywords=dr+barmans+toothbrush+child+6-12&qid=1761343154&sprefix=dr+toothbrush%2Caps%2C128&sr=8-6 Dr Barman's three-sided toothbrush - you still have to brush but it can cover all three sides and so the theory is that you don't have to brush for quite as long. Is it perfect, no, is it better than a three hour screaming meltdown and no brushing, yes.

Oranurse toothpaste - completely taste-free. Again while not entirely perfect it was helpful.

Dry flannel to hold under her chin while you brush and then she can immediately wipe any wetness off her face immediately after.

Brushing together worked for a little while for us but not for long.

Lots of sympathy has been a big help - acknowledging that she's not being "silly" or "dramatic" or "difficult" and she really really does find this unbelievably difficult. A 4yo might be a bit young but we had an improvement when DC's best friend was diagnosed with dyslexia and we could say "Just like "Elsie" found it harder than other children to learn to read, you find it harder than other children to brush your teeth - but Elsie still needs to learn to read and you still need to brush your teeth."

My daughter went through this, she was about 4 at the time too, I had to hold her down to brush her teeth.

in the end I think we were just fighting eachother for power. We sat down one evening after all the tears and I just asked her what she doesn’t like, she said she hates it, no specific reason given. I explained gently that without oral hygiene her teeth will go yucky/rotten, that there are millions of little germs all
over her teeth that are eating her teeth after she eats and drinks, that’s why we need to brush our teeth every morning and night to get the germs off and stop our teeth going bad, and that I didn’t want her to be in pain and have sore teeth if she doesn’t brush.

this helped a lot, along with being more.. suggesting than demanding? I think they like to feel like they’re not under our control. So when it was time to brush her teeth in the evening she was often given choices: “what do you think you’d like to do first. Put on your pjs, brush your teeth or put the books away” when toothbrushing was left it turned to “do you remeber how much toothpaste we should use? About the size of a small pea.. if you grab the toothpaste and your brush do you recon you know how much toothpaste to put on if you do it yourself like a big girl?”

eventually getting that into brushing and then having her let me ‘check how shiny they are and that she hasn’t left any germs behind’ she’s nearly 6 now and brushes her teeth day and night without being asked.

We had a bad phase and had to pin DS down, probably not done that since he was 2.5. DD similar. Always calmly, with warning and in a way a dentist showed to do. Somethings are non negotiatable and the sooner they learn that the less issues there will be.

We've had a bit of them not wanting to at times but there's a woman on tiktok whose got some awful dental issues related to a long term health issue- they look awful.
She's made a video for kids saying her teeth are bad because she refused to brush them when she was small and showing her teeth. I've showed my kids her video and they now are very keen to brush their teeth. If you can find it, it's very convincing.

Have you seen the u-shaped electric brushes on social media? This sort of thing might be worth a try; https://getkidzly.uk/p/u-shaped-electric-toothbrush-for-kids/?attribute_pa_color=aquamarine&attribute_pa_age=2-6-years&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22113888417&gbraid=0AAAAAqQGvY-y04voOJw-jWYjSbgcDeHQ5&gclid=CjwKCAjwx-zHBhBhEiwA7Kjq6wxKbn6w_0TPwNF2OOvOzbCXdw-tuzGinC-cM3Ib-pIWHtdTYK7HMBoCopkQAvD_BwE

I resorted to headlocks on occasion. Not proud of that but I have terrible teeth because my parents never made a fuss about teeth cleaning, and I’m damned if one of my kids would be neglected in the same way.

I really hope you are just one of those ignorant people who don't understand disability so like to act like a child can be made to do anything. I think it's likely as I'm still not seeing how you can hold a head and nose of large 5 year old and brush their teeth at the same time.
If by some miracle this is true your child needs removing from your care. Who in their right mind sits on a 5 year olds chest, cuts the air supply from their nose and forces something in their mouth. Not only is it traumatic, it's really dangerous.

I remember showing my daughter pictures of people with bad rotten teeth. She soon relented and brushed.