My poor boy

There was a hold in ds class years ago that was adhd/and and we invited him to ds party
Sorry my post at 12.31. I meant child, hopefully obviously!

This kind of thing really upsets me. I don't understand the parent who makes the decision to exclude one out of a class of 13 reception age kids - for soft play ffs!!
Neither did I until I witnessed what happened at ds party. The child ripped ds' presents open and damaged some. Food was thrown from other children's plates, he screamed at children because they wouldn't follow his orders, a child got hurt when he kicked them. Mum tried her best but it was awful. He went into crisis when Happy birthday was sung to ds.
Ds was really upset and said it didnt matter and that (name's) brain works different but I could tell he was gutted his presents were ripped and the party was ruined.
As I said previously I put it down to him being over stimulated and had him over on a 1:1 on a quieter basis and although no one got hurt, it didnt end well and mum said the same as before,he's good kind kid deep down.

This kind of thing really upsets me. I don't understand the parent who makes the decision to exclude one out of a class of 13 reception age kids - for soft play ffs!!

Maybe the teacher can have a conversation entitled "It's okay to be different".

I wear the T-Shirt from Temu. I've been dreadfully bullied all my life. Maybe if I'd worn this at school it may have opened up a conversation about it.

And they say kids can be cruel......

Oh @Sawit12 I'm really sad for you. I remember how much it hurt when my kids were left out. Unfortunately, it really is one of those things that happens and usually, it hurts us as parents way more than it hurts the kids. They bounce back quicker if they even realise in the first place!

I'm just picking up on something here - you said he stays back and only comes out when the other children are gone. Is there any chance that the parent was handing out invitations as the kids were leaving, or watching who belonged to whom? It's more likely, I think, that she couldn't find you rather than inviting 11 children out of 12?

Hopefully that is the case but if it's not, I would plan something fun for your kiddo on the day of your party. He won't know any different but you'll feel better seeing him happy.

I'm so sorry OP, in reception all children should be invited. If his behaviour is so challenging that its affecting other children to this extent then you should know this from school

My DD is in reception and I can hardly get what's she's had for lunch out of her so would be totally unaware of other kids needs and would never single a child out.

Really feel for you, must be really heartbreaking but hopefully he'll find his tribe in time.

To give an example of the otherside of the coin though, I must confess to excluding a classmate of DS who was diagnosed with autism as the child was prone to violent outbursts and my DS was absolutely terrified of him. My niece was in the same class (we live in a very rural area) and he attacked her when she had a broken collar bone with her arm in a sling resulting in her being smashed into a rough wall and scraping all the skin off her face. That was on top of her legs being permanently covered in bruises as he was constantly kicking her in the classroom.

So hard OP. And very unkind of the party child's parents if he's the only excluded.
I've been there with my autistic son. Primary was very hard for him. He's got other neurodivergent friends now so he's ok. I would try to find similar children for your son as soon as possible so he can "find his people". It took us a while and I found those early primary years lonely.

@Millionsofmonkeys Do you have any support for him at school? My DS had a specialist teacher for communication and interaction who visited him a couple of time a year who was able to offer some training to the teachers. Something that really helped was a talk the specialist teacher gave to the whole class, (without my DS there) on invisible disabilities and how my DS found it hard to understand instructions etc. How they could 'help him to learn' in a kind way etc. It worked really well. The class became really protective of him all the way through primary school. I did have to be happy to have his difficulties out there in public, but I reasoned it was better that they know he's not being deliberately 'naughty' and have an accurate description of him rather than him being labelled as bad.

My DS is now 26 and a lovely young man, still with difficulties but his life at primary school was a really happy time for him.

Just wondering does your child have access to supports due to his diagnosis. Does he have an individual support plan sna, access to a sensory room, movement breaks. My son is 6 and is currently in an autism class but they are integrating him with the mainstream class gradually. It's very hard you really have to develop a thick skin when you have a neurodiverse child. My chap is the same he doesn't get any invites or playdates. I'm hoping that changes once he's in the mainstream class a bit more.

It's just the start. I'd be having a word each year with his teachers about being discreet about invites

I didn't have parties for my youngest as they don't turn up. What that does to a child is worse than not being invited. Celebrating his birthday needs imagination.

It is awful when this happens, but sometimes we can feel it more than the child. There will be other parties. If he mentions this one just say ‘Most parties only have x amount of children so you won’t be invited to them all.’ Keep it breezy and he will forget about it. X

Ds loved soft play, but would get over-stimulated after about half an hour of play. So I'd normally speak to the parent and explain and say that I'd bring him after the start so he got around half an hour of play, and that normally worked well.

I think though it may depend on how he's been at school and how parents have seen your reaction to him. If he's coming out like a whirling dervish and you just letting him, or other children are scared of him, it's far harder to invite him.

What I'd work on is building relationships with other parents and having one to one time where they can see that if he gets wild, you immediately step in and calm things down or remove him.

One of mine had a child at reception who they had to evacuate the classroom often a few times a week. People were scared of having to deal with that at their DC's party.
Once people realised that mum and dad would come to the party and remove him quickly if there were issues he got invited to a lot more.
And he was sweet when things went right. But if things went wrong they deteriorated very quickly

The parents should be ashamed.

We have a very small class of 10 (EYFS and Y1 combined) and invite everyone including an asd child who I know won’t come, but we always include him in the invites. We also include some traveller children who also won’t mix socially (not saying that applies everywhere before anyone jumps down my throat, but these particular families don’t) but I’d never exclude them either.

It’s fine in a class of 30 to invite 15 or just the girls/boys or whatever. But it is absolutely out of order to exclude 1 child completely. In fact our school wouldn’t hand out the invites in that scenario as it’s really just bullying tactics.

I agree with this too. It’s the way of the world sadly.

I think you are massively in denial.

You think his behaviour could be challenging means his behaviour is absolutely challenging. Both at home, and almost certainly at school.

You have heard he "jumps and throws things" so at school he is doing aggressive and dangerous things.

You have heard "oh no, he is there" meaning that children are worried or frightened of your child.

You should have spoken with the teacher the second you heard those words coming from children's mouths.

I just hope that you aren't at a private school, as they can exclude whereas Mainstream can't.

Let’s just hope one or two will have a whole- class party, once he’s old enough to be aware.
My dd1 always insisted on inviting the whole class - she wouldn’t leave anybody out. Luckily we had the space. She’s in her 40s now, but I still remember the little boy when she was maybe 8, saying, ‘Thank you for inviting me to your party, Philippa - nobody else does.’ 😰n

That was heart breaking to read OP. If he is the only one who has been excluded I think that is really poor form from the parents.
It sounds like he isn't getting the support he needs at school if other kids are singling him out.

In the kindest way, OP, brace yourself. He’ll find people who like him and have patience for who he is. However, for the most part, it’ll be like this. You have to create alternative fun for him so he doesn’t feel left out. Also does he want to go to a party or does he have some sensory needs that might mean that’s probably the best result for him?
Of course it hurts seeing them being excluded so I see where your feelings are coming from.

Excluding just 1 child from a party at Reception age is incredibly mean. I'm sorry, OP.

Maybe have a word with the teacher and ask if there's any policies about birthday party invites at school. Really at Reception age, at least half of the class should be invited or party invites should be handed out in the parents own time.

Yes, that's tough for both of you. I teach a little boy (with SEN) who was six when i first met him. His mother collected him from school and saw that he was being kicked by other boys! She told me, with obvious pain, that he had never been invited to a party. Now he has developed and changed and at 10, is invited to parties. Why not host a little party for your little boy?

I’m sorry. It’s a tough one because if you’ve heard kids say it to their parents then they might not want to invite him incase he throws things around again and injures someone. They obviously don’t understand his condition but I wouldn’t feel safe either sorry to say.

@Sawit12because if your child has a diagnosis and it’s been accepted by NHS and provided to school then the school need to be providing support and interventions, which could include social skills interventions/ support which might be helpful for him and help him to develop friendships/ emotional and behavioural regulation.

You say "deep down", but what is he like on the surface? Does he hurt other children? Does he have big meltdowns? Does he throw things in anger or upset?

Hard for you,Op.
Use the party invitations as a prompt to make an appointment with your child's teacher. Ask them to be honest in telling you how DC behaves within his class and how his class mates react.
Does his teacher see him improving in making any friends? How best would you handle that to ensure a positive outcome?

Are you absolutely certain he hasn’t been invited and lost the invite somewhere along the way? At the 2 schools my DC have attended they only allow party invites to be handed out in school when the whole class is invited. It might be worth a chat with the teacher just in case he was supposed to have an invite but even if he wasn’t I would be asking the school to rethink their policy because it’s not nice for other kids to come waving invites when some of the class don’t have them. If parents want to do a limited group they’re totally within their rights to do that (although who the hell excludes 1 child in a class) but the invites should be done privately e.g. via WhatsApp and not in the class.