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AIBU?

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Original poster

To refuse to send my child to private school?

83 replies

libertybonds · 13/10/2025 17:08

My emotionally abusive and status-obsessed ex wants to send our child to private school. Our child is very bright and we live in a nice area with well-regarded state schools.

He has a poor record of keeping a job, so the fees would almost certainly fall to me in time.

He has begun persuading / pressuring our child into wanting to go private, probably as a way of increasing pressure on me and also generally to bring them on side.

AIBU to say no, and stand firm?

I am morally opposed to private school and also I do not want to be stuck with the bill when my ex is sacked again.

OP posts:
Original poster
libertybonds · 25/05/2026 11:40

jeaux90 · 25/05/2026 08:52

OP it’s not clear whether you have a CAO in place with the ex or not. I guess you don’t want to go back to court if you don’t but having one can bring a lot of clarity, control and closure to some ongoing issues like this. I also assume when you divorced the financial order did not cover school fees?

There is no CAO. Court with my ex would be a hideous nightmare, so I would like to avoid. The financial order did not address school fees.

OP posts:
beeble347 · 25/05/2026 11:54

He sounds awful, I'd definitely hold firm.

If your child pushes under pressure from your ex, could you say something about the school days are longer in private and you thought he/she would prefer having time for (football club) or something in the evenings? Such a difficult situation you're in, I'm sorry

JohnofWessex · 25/05/2026 12:07

Dear Ex

Following your proposal that DC attends Hogwarts Academy I am concerned that were you to be unable to pay the fees, and I note your employment record, I would not be in a position to do so.

In view of this before we enter into any further discussion I suggest that you deposit a sum equivalent to 5 years fees at the current rates with a nominated solicitor to pay their fees.

Otherwise zip it

MJagain · 25/05/2026 12:21

is he paying maintenance? Surely the answer to this is “if you can’t pay the money you already owe, how are you going to pay fees?”

jeaux90 · 25/05/2026 13:55

Ok OP but a CAO can help mitigate some of the issues too! In the meantime I advise some grey rock.

chirrupybird · 25/05/2026 14:08

Does he have parents that would pay if he couldn't? I would ask him and get in writing what his back up plan is if at any point he can't afford to pay. There may also be a problem that if he is paying the fees he may be the parent the school deals with about your child, you would want that clarified. If you don't want to do it just refuse and suggest he puts the money into a savings account in your child's name for their further education university fees, etc instead. A nice nest egg for when they are 18.

Original poster
libertybonds · 28/05/2026 10:23

chirrupybird · 25/05/2026 14:08

Does he have parents that would pay if he couldn't? I would ask him and get in writing what his back up plan is if at any point he can't afford to pay. There may also be a problem that if he is paying the fees he may be the parent the school deals with about your child, you would want that clarified. If you don't want to do it just refuse and suggest he puts the money into a savings account in your child's name for their further education university fees, etc instead. A nice nest egg for when they are 18.

His parents won't be paying. They don't have any money.

He would never agree to a compromise of any kind. Everything has to be exactly his way or he makes life unbearable.

OP posts:
Supporting2026 · 05/09/2026 16:28

libertybonds · 14/10/2025 12:57

@Autumn38 thanks - that's some very interesting food for thought. I am unlikely to say much to our child directly, but exH has barely paid any maintenance in the last several years due to job interruptions and he is paying the bare minimum now, under protest.

Something I could try is using your suggested tactic on him, acting like I believe that he actually wanted to / wants to provide maintenance all this time. "I appreciate that you have the best of intentions, but ..."

This is a good idea. The fact that he promises to pay school fees when he’s not reliably paid maintenance means the court will never force it if you make it all about that. The basic premise is - I have evidence from X number of years that he as not able to reliably pay X a year in maintenance, as such it’s clear that even if he offers to be pay 100 percent the likelihood my child has their schooling disrupted because he fails to pay for 5x what he promised to pay in the past is very real. She is better going to a school where his inconsistency paying for things does not impact her at more vulnerable times.

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