To refuse to send my child to private school?

This is a good idea. The fact that he promises to pay school fees when he’s not reliably paid maintenance means the court will never force it if you make it all about that. The basic premise is - I have evidence from X number of years that he as not able to reliably pay X a year in maintenance, as such it’s clear that even if he offers to be pay 100 percent the likelihood my child has their schooling disrupted because he fails to pay for 5x what he promised to pay in the past is very real. She is better going to a school where his inconsistency paying for things does not impact her at more vulnerable times.

Does he have parents that would pay if he couldn't? I would ask him and get in writing what his back up plan is if at any point he can't afford to pay. There may also be a problem that if he is paying the fees he may be the parent the school deals with about your child, you would want that clarified. If you don't want to do it just refuse and suggest he puts the money into a savings account in your child's name for their further education university fees, etc instead. A nice nest egg for when they are 18.

Ok OP but a CAO can help mitigate some of the issues too! In the meantime I advise some grey rock.

is he paying maintenance? Surely the answer to this is “if you can’t pay the money you already owe, how are you going to pay fees?”

Dear Ex

Following your proposal that DC attends Hogwarts Academy I am concerned that were you to be unable to pay the fees, and I note your employment record, I would not be in a position to do so.

In view of this before we enter into any further discussion I suggest that you deposit a sum equivalent to 5 years fees at the current rates with a nominated solicitor to pay their fees.

Otherwise zip it

He sounds awful, I'd definitely hold firm.

If your child pushes under pressure from your ex, could you say something about the school days are longer in private and you thought he/she would prefer having time for (football club) or something in the evenings? Such a difficult situation you're in, I'm sorry

OP it’s not clear whether you have a CAO in place with the ex or not. I guess you don’t want to go back to court if you don’t but having one can bring a lot of clarity, control and closure to some ongoing issues like this. I also assume when you divorced the financial order did not cover school fees?

Agree

I might be inclined to suggest that all future contact is via one pf these parenting apps

My ex wanted out son to go private

I replied that as she had got a house of the divorce and now had a partner then she could sell the house to pay for it

For some strange reason she didnt say what she wanted to happen with her younger son - not mine.

I think you need to come across this to a degree from the other angle and draw on all the positives of state education especially towards your son.

What is it that you want from your child's school and what experience do you want your child to have?

Tell your son that you thought long and hard about where the best place to educate him was. Build up his self esteem that he is doing well in a school that suits him.

I'd also log with the school about the discussion that are happening between him and his dad so that they can provide support and bolster his confidence in the classroom that he is doing well.

I’m not completely clear but it seems that you’re having ongoing email discussions with your ex about it is that correct? If so I would state categorically that your child will not be attending private school and you don’t want to discuss it further and then completely ignore any other references to it that he makes. If he takes you to court, you can put your objections to the front there but the dialogue with him won’t get you anywhere

Your ex can’t force you to work

Hi op, I’ve seen a similar thread from your exes perspective a mum wanting to pay fees for the child who lives with her mum dad objecting due to not wanting to co sign something that would leave him liable to fee paying, as well as moral objection. She was finding that the schools wouldn’t accept an application without other parents consent or court order.

it maybe that dad has to take you to court for this, you could offer mediation to him and do shuttle mediation if you can’t look him in the face.

At 9 he's not too young for a brief age-appropriate discussion - make it relevant eg paying for private school for the next 9 years is going to cost the same as 10 new cars, or holidays, or however many trips to watch his favourite team or musician. Dad won't pay for these things, and neither would I. I can't afford to pay it all if dad isn't working shouldn't be held against you as it is a fact that DC can acknowledge as I'm sure he's aware he's been unemployed.

If there is ANY doubt about affordability then you need to knock this on the head asap. You can't be forced to send him to private school, nor can your ex force you to work (same as you can't force him to work, pay maintenance if he's not working).

At 9 years old it's time for your DC to have some awareness of the basic facts. As you've written above -

• private school fees are EXPENSIVE - make a spreadsheet of costs for fees, transport, food, uniform/kit, trips, tutoring etc.
• tell your DC how challenging it has been in the past re getting dad to pay for things
• show your DC how much you earn (round down of course) and how much YOU would be expected to pay if dad refuses.
• DC will have some awareness of times dad isn't working therefore unable to contribute to fees. He'll figure it out.

Schools need both parents to be able to fund fees and may do a financial assessment on both of you. Worth asking a few to find out what the process actually is, so you have some facts to go back to DC with - affordability if it's borderline is going to be a Biggie.

it does sound that this is more about control than anything to do with benefitting your child

Stand firm.

If he does somehow manage to secure a place for your son at a private school let him take you to court.

re: your child. I’d just be telling him it’s a huge amount of money and you simply can’t afford it.

It’s a no, you don’t want to do it so it’s a no. Private schools are increasing fees by 6-10% annually on average- there’s a strong chance your child will end up leaving one way or another.
Make your ex take you to court, the court will almost certainly side with you.

Perfectly reasonable to refuse. And nine is old enough to understand "daddy never keeps a job for long, so we can't rely on him for the fees". She'll have noticed that on her own soon enough.

It seems bizarre that a court would order a parent who doesn't want their children to go to a private school to pay the fees in particular if they are not able to do so

Absolutely stand your ground it’s a NO.

Also contact schools he’s interested in and ask them if they can enroll a child where one parent is not willing. I think most will want two signatures.