Bedroom dilemma

Hmm if either of my daughter's had gone to uni then the uni accomodation would've given them a room to themselves rather than having to share while at home

My son's uni room was perfectly homely. Why wouldn't it be

Can the biggest room have a divide added? Personally I would be waiting and saving to try and buy a 5 bed, or look for a 5 bed with room enough to split one

Don't move in together until you have a plan that ensures all DC needs are equally met and no DC feel sidelined/2nd class.

You & DP are the instigators of this situation so you need to bd tak8ng some of the negatives, not putting them on your children. So instead of you having the biggest "master" bedroom you two have the 2nd biggest bedroom.

In the biggest bedroom, put a room divider bunk bed https://funkybunkbeds.com/product/room-divider-bunk-bed/
You then have 4 rooms for kids. I'd put the smallest child in the area of the biggest bedroom that has the top bunk bed, and assign the rest of the spaces with the most space going to the DC who is there most of the time and the smallest for the DC who is there least time

That’s tricky
I think you need to find a 5 bed house you can afford

They all deserve their own room. It is very selfish of you to do this to any of them when in only a few years the problem would naturally resolve itself.

The kids don’t need you to be married or to move in together, so why should any of them make the sacrifice so that their selfish parents get what they want?

DS11 gets permanent bedroom.
DPs DSs get largest room as theirs to share when needed as the only two DC who can reasonably share.
Third bedroom is decorated neutrally and acts like a hotel room. DD uses when home, either of DPs DSs use when she's away if they want a break from their shared room.

My son went to uni
By third year he was burnt out and lived at home ,and 5 years later he's still here .
So dd needs a bedroom

Blended families are tricky and you don't want to leave anyone out. Some good options here OP, any of them sound workable?

Obviously dp kids share as they are same sex and similar age
Obviously yours can't share ,they are a different sex
Anything else is crazy

I think a 'guest' bedroom set up for one room that can be used by uni kid and oldest boy . An extra bed in your partner's other son's room for his brother when your son is back for hols.

Thing is, "someone" is her daughter. She has no other home - uni accommodation isn't exactly homely. When mine were at uni, they relaxed when they came home and were back in the family. I just think it's a bit tough if she has no base of her own because of her parents' choices.

Yet another blended family where the welfare and happiness of the children is an afterthought.

It sounds like you and DP are both trying to be great parents for your fledgling adult kids while combining your lives. You both want them to see this home as a stable, welcoming place that will allow for the same home visits you currently host. And you both make good points: DSS is home more regularly on a short term basis and it seems wrong to make him share a room while another room is unused; DD is home for longer, more spaced out stretches and can't share with any of the others.

It feels like the best solution is for that third bedroom to be reserved for whichever adult is "home" at the time. Neutrally decorated, but with space for both kids to leave things and for other overnight guests to use. Both DSS and DD presumably have a place they're spending most of their time at now for them to personalize. Your daughter compromises by not personalizing "her" room and your stepson compromises by ceding the room when she's home and bunking in his brother's room.

Gosh, everyone is quick to jump on the poor op! Only on Mumsnet would you get 'why aren't you buying a 5 bed you selfish mare' 🤣

loads of sensible options on here good luck OP, you sound considerate of everyone and all 4 kids sound very lucky.

DS 11 has his own room for now, DD has a room that is also designated as a spare room for guests or DSS options if they are both home when DD is not.

DSS share a room but have the option of using DD's room if she is not there.

Having loving parents who provide a warm, stable home life is the most important thing. Who shares what room is just a detail. If sharing a house takes off financial pressure and means you can be more present and available for your kids then do it.

I shared a bedroom with a sibling my whole life and when we went to uni the room was turned into a spare room we shared when home. I don’t understand why parents are so precious about ensuring uni aged kids have a bedroom at home still - they’re an adult who’s moved out and has a room elsewhere with their stuff. It’s too precious and not necessary to give a uni student their own bedroom.

This 100% wait till one has completely moved out or most then move in together. You can actually still be married and live separately- it sounds like a devine set up to me! I don’t think there is a fair compromise otherwise.

Are you going to be giving the OP extra money to do so??

Realistically though his long would they really needs 5 bed house for? Surely not all of the kids will be living there for many more years

And augurs really badly for how entitled, pushy and uncaring of her kids he will be. I mean, that's the usual with boyfriends being moved into the family home (or girlfriends). I always feel so so sorry for these kids. When I split from my ex I dated from time to time but never even thought about bringing a man and his kids into their home - I saw how that had played out with several friends. One moved out for Uni and another got a job interstate, and that freed me up to move in with my then boyfriend (now husband).

At minimum, genuinely caring mothers/fathers wait till their kids have completely finished high school before they disrupt their lives like this. Lot of selfish people in the world, though.

Batshit when his eldest is only there occasionally.at the sand time as his youngest.

Her room wouldn't be a spare room though, it would be her room with all her things in it and available any time she might want to come back - weekends, reading week, if she becomes ill, needs a MH break, misses home, local friend's birthday weekend, all sorts of reasons.

But by not having a room it shuts down any possibility of coming back whenever she wants.
She needs to know she has the option to come home whenever she wants.

When my dd went to university her room was still her room. We used it for the occasional overnight visitor, sometimes a sewing room, second television room, but it was ALWAYS available for her whenever she wanted it, and I'd take out anything that didn't normally belong in there.

If they afford to do that then they could afford a 5 bed!

You seem to be avoiding the elephant in the room: maybe the two people who have decided on this blending and living together should be the ones to make the sacrifice?

4-bedroom house with 4 children/young adult offspring who still want/need their own space and an individual base to call their own... easy: each child gets their own bedroom, just as before.

You two get a sofa bed in the living room, co-opt a dining room, convert a loft or get a garden room built. Then, if there are rooms that are frequently unused, you borrow them when the particular child whose room it is isn't there, for you to sleep in - but they are never actually your own rooms and are given straight back when the rightful occupant needs them again.

You can rethink things as and when one of them chooses to move out permanently, but absolutely not before.

Exactly the same principle as parents who actively choose to give their child a horrific name: if YOU like a bad name or YOU prefer a too-small house so that you can live together, either change your own name or 'make do' with whatever room is left for yourself.

Or did it never occur to you that the ones pushing for this should make the sacrifice that goes hand in hand with their own choice that only suits themselves?

People have convinced themselves that kids don't want to be with unhappy parents, but that turned out to be a lie adults told themselves to make themselves feel better. Unless one of the parents is actively and clearly abusive (hitting, screaming, smashing things up regularly sort of thing) kids absolutely DO prefer their parents to stay together. That doesn't mean it's best for them, or their parents should definitely stay together - but it's true nonetheless.

I get why people leave unhappy marriages, but actually it turns out that staying together "For the sake of the kids" was pretty valid, in the eyes of the children.

The other problem is that blended families are, for the most part, really disruptive ot hicldren. They almost never work, kids are nearly always unhappy, the Brady Bunch wasPeople have convinced themselves that kids don't want to be with unhappy parents, but that turned out to be a lie adults told themselves to make themselves feel better. Unless one of the parents is actively and clearly abusive (hitting, screaming, smashing things and regularly up sort of thing) kids absolutely DO prefer their parents to stay together. That doesn't mean it's best for them, or their parents should definitely stay together - but it's true nonetheless.

Next best scenario for kids is ALWAYS that their parent stays single, or at least keeps their boyfriend/girlfriend away from the family home for the most part.

I mean, I get why people leave unhappy marriages, but actually it turns out that staying together "For the sake of the kids" was pretty valid, in the eyes of the children.

The other problem is that blended families are, for the most part, really disruptive to kids. They almost never work, kids are nearly always unhappy, the Brady Bunch was a lie.

And for those who don't want to believe this (like the OP and every other person who sacrified their kids' happiness for having a boyfriend)

Higher rates of emotional distress – Nationally representative data link step‑family membership with greater incidences of emotional distress, suicidal thoughts, violence, early sexual activity, and substance use among adolescents
pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/ articles/PMC4495965/

Feelings of hostility and disloyalty – Qualitative interviews with step‑parents and their children repeatedly describe children feeling hostile toward a new spouse and experiencing long‑lasting resentment, which undermines family stability www.psychologytoday. com/us/basics/family-dynamics/blended-family

Increased risk of divorce – Divorce rates rise sharply for second and subsequent marriages (≈ 60 % for second marriages, ≈ 73 % for third) and children’s resistance to a new partner is frequently cited as a contributing factor in these breakdowns www.psychologytoday. com/us/basics/family-dynamics/blended-family

Peer reviewed studies keep telling us that blended families make children unhappy and more likely to experience adverse outcomes - but parents with new partners never want to hear that and then wonder why everything goes tits up after a couple of years.

I think it's inevitable that a lot of marriages will break down these days. I don't think moving your new beau and his offspring in is inevitable, at all. I think plan B should be a stable home for your kids and worry about moving in with someone when they've finished school, not before.

I'll get screamed at for that, of course.

Sorry, accidentally copy pasted some of this twice, as I had to log back in