DH just said he doesn’t want to be with me anymore

Let this be a warning to women with sons!

You are quite clearly more than capable of coping alone. He's a man child. Get rid of him - if he wants more attention, he can give it to himself instead of putting the burden on you. What a prat. Fwiw I had a partner like this too. Took me far to long to leave.

my main worry is damaging the older DD. I am terrified that her mental health will be affected and that she will never witness a loving relationship and will not be able to build her own in future.

Sad to say, OP, she is not witnessing a loving relationship at present. Your selfish, unloving, waste-of-space husband is giving your DC a bad example of what marriage should be. You will be doing them an immense favour by bringing them up as a single mum or, one day I hope, in a truly fair and loving relationship with someone better.

He's a needy man baby. You have a small baby to look after but instead of stepping up and taking some of the load he wants more attention 😭
Did his mum treat him like a prince who could do no wrong? It's often the way with these types. Have never been taught to think about others because they've always been looked after by a woman and expect it to continue.
I promise you, your life will be so much easier without him in it, it's not like he contributes anything, just whinges about his needs.
I echo what other posters have said about you modelling good relationships to your DC. Now is your chance to teach them that they shouldn't put up with this behaviour. Yes there will be a period of adjustment and hopefully the man baby will step up with his own kids but I wouldn't count on it and that will be on him.

Ohhhh
He's got someone else lined up to replace you but is trying to manipulate the narrative to make you the baddie who caused the breakdown of your marriage.
It's a story as old as time.

Make plans to be alone & principle carer of your children.
I doubt he'll want 50/50 custody - that would be far too much work for him. But you should push for every other weekend and at least one night during the week. You might think that being apart from your children will break you but, trust me, you will need that time for you.

I am terrified that her mental health will be affected and that she will never witness a loving relationship and will not be able to build her own in future.

But growing up with you together she won’t see that. She’ll see her mother ground into oblivion my a shitty man who disrespects her.

And I’ll be my house he’s having an affair.

You are clearly the main parent so I can’t imagine custody would be problematic. Get some legal advice and get separated. Clinging on to a dead relationship will make things worse.

Sounds like you may be getting a lucky escape tbh.

“she will never witness a loving relationship…”

She’s not witnessing one now, though, is she? If he’s decided to nope out now that the realities of family life are becoming apparent, that’s on him. You have a chance to start again, build your own lovely life and show your daughter that she doesn’t have to settle for someone who doesn’t respect her or treat her well.

And maybe you’ll find someone to pattern a healthy loving romantic relationship with, maybe not, but either way she won’t grow up thinking your current relationship is the best she can hope for.

@Iris10000 YABU to want to save this marriage. He is awful. You say about your eldest not seeing a loving relationship but do you really want them to see a man that walks all over you and treats you like shit?

Just tell him "Ok. When are you moving out?"

You'll be much happier without him.

But a loving relationship is exactly what she isn't witnessing! Far better for her to witness her mother moving on with strength from a non-loving relationship imo. It sounds as though you will be much better without him, even if moving on is always initially hard.

Oh op.
Im not going to advise you on what to do. Because deep down you know.

I left my ex when my boys were young, a bit older than your children though. I’m not going to say it wasn’t tough or hard for them but to stay together - (he wanted to) would have broken me and my children would have had an unhappy mum and that’s no way for them to grow up.
They are both young adults now with lovely girlfriends and they treat them well. I honestly think I did the best for them by leaving an unhappy relationship. They had me at my absolute best - happy and no tension in the house.
It was really hard but I got through. Emotionally and financially it’s not easy but I’m in a much better place now all these years on.
you cannot control his feelings only your own.
i hope you are ok. be strong for yourself and your children and lean on your friends and family, they will help you.

staying together will be way more damaging to your kids than splitting (ask how I know). The marriage is dead - start looking forward xx

I would get in there first and file for divorce. I don't see how the situation is going to get any better and it sounds like there's potential for some back and forth about whether to split up or not. If he's interested in another woman he may try to play you off against one another to stroke his ego.

I would confide in your sister as it sounds like she's got your back, hopefully she can help you find a good solicitor. Relate may have some useful resources for counselling if you do decide to divorce and how to handle co-parenting, explaining the situation to your kids.

Good luck, I'm sure your future will be much brighter without this self centred arsehole

By staying with him you’d be teaching your DD that this is the best she can expect from a man in her life. Would you really want your DD to marry a man exactly like her father and then accept the same treatment that you are?

PrancingBean

When my marriage ended, I was terrified. Had no idea how I would function. Now, quite a few years on, I have no idea why I thought I deserved such fuckery.

Op I’d guess this is kind of similar to most women and something most women should read. Do not blame yourself over this, this is either a mid life crisis, a breakdown, depression or he’s just a crazy (insert choice of bad word here). Putting one foot in front of another in any circumstances with kids that age is an amazing feat, and him doing this now is insane. I hope things work out for you, make sure you start concentrating on you and your kids, do nice things for yourself, listen to music, grab a magazine, have nice showers etc. Cry it out where you can and when they can’t see (I went to bathroom then put on concealer, lied about hayfever if it helps). I’m so sorry op x

From your updates I would say he is cheating and trying to blame you.

Of course you won’t have been as affectionate, you had a baby 6 months ago. It’s difficult.

Has he made sure to do his share of childcare and cleaning so you could recharge and have something in you to give him? I bet the answer is no.

You can’t pour from an empty cup.

I am so angry on your behalf. He sounds like a selfish man

The more you share, the worse it all sounds. I'm so sorry you're going through this, it will be hard right now but so, so worth Iit in the long term.

Please don't worry about your DD (I know, you will anyway!) - what she is seeing with a marriage like this is not a good view of a relationship, you taking action to ensure you are treated well by someone you are supppose to be in partnership with IS a positive role model. Relationships ending is hard on everyone, particularly children, but sometimes staying isn't good either. My parents are still married, my dad has had significant addiction issues over the years, is abusive and absolutely not a good relationship model. It took me a long time and therapy to get to a place where I could have a healthy relationship. Friends of mine with divorced parents have often had a much better experience. Staying together is not a guarantee of her future happiness, and you matter too.

Your last point is the real one. It’s terrifying starting alone but the fact he won’t let you confide in your sister and his parents have been fed lies is the way this will continue.

As they say here in MN, get your ducks in a row while he’s infatuated with this new woman. Don’t waste energy on proof etc., he’s a bad ‘un anyhow. But he’s more likely to get out while he lusts over another woman (pig).

Just read your other post and this one. Seriously your life will be better without this pathetic excuse for a human being.

Another self absorbed blubbering baby of a man.

How did you get to the stage of reproducing with this turd? 💩

I recognise that feeling of relief, OP. Honestly, splitting up is difficult but the rewards are massive. Sending you best wishes x

He's obviously having an emotional affair at the very least with his colleague and probably a physical one as well.

From your previous post and what you have said here, he isn't a good husband or father. He is lazy, selfish and doesn't contribute his fair share financially.

You will struggle at first, but in the long run you and your children will be fine without him. You have a good, well paying job and he will need to pay child maintenance.

Speak to a solicitor. Men who are having affairs often blame their wives for driving them into another woman's arms due to lack of affection and sex. You only gave birth six months ago. It is natural to concentrate on your baby. He is blaming you and you should tell him to fuck off. Please don't feel guilty. You haven't done anything wrong, but he definitely has.

You are catastrophising here. Staying with your horrendous and bullying whiny husband sets a worse example.

sort your finances so he can’t rinse you and leave the bastard. And make him share those saving the little shit

Find your marriage certificate and keep it safe. You will need it.
Read the divorce board and the relationships board on here. In particular the advice about "getting your ducks in a row".
You need to find and copy every single piece of financial and property paperwork.