To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

You need to learn to centre other people not yourself. If you had listened to your brother and accepted that he knew what he wanted (no party) you could have organised a party for yourself. You wouldn't have invited his friends, you wouldn't have told guests it was a party for both of you and nobody would have been embarrassed or felt awkward when he wasn't there. Your lifelong friend tells you what you have done wrong and you still don't reflect.

He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.
I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come.

YABU.

He said he wouldn’t come.

His wife doesn’t and shouldn’t speak for him.

This. ^ Just own it @loonyloo 97% of over 1500 people think YABU. And that is because...

YABU!

If you wanted to do something nice for your brother, to celebrate his/yoyr birthday together, you’d have asked what he wanted and arranged that. Something quiet with a small group of people, no doubt.

Something quite separate from your big bash.

But you shouldn't have done as he told you he didn't want a party. You have no respect for him and you set yourself up to be embarrassed. Doing things other people don't want you to do is NOT kind!

Look, op. You believe you're kind and think its unfair that you've been called selfish. Both things can actually be true.

I'm sure you are a very kind person, but you also seem to have an entrenched habit of making yourself the centre of every situation and lacking self-awareness. Unfortunately, those two things can make a person very absorbed.

Criticism isn't a personal attack. Being called out as self-centred doesn't mean that you're a bad person.

There are usually reasons why people are so fragile about justified criticism and it would be worth exploring these (Google it as a starting point). If you can work on this side of yourself, not only will your relationships with others improve but also your relationship with yourself.

duplicate deleted.

Your friend is right. Of course you could have your own party. You’re the one being weird about that (really weird, you’re two separate people. And quite cruel to your brother).

Selfish is exactly what it is when you decide someone ought to want what you want because you want it.
How would you like it if he had cancelled the party you set up because he didn't want one?
It's not a 'nice' birthday for him if it isn't what he wants.

If you invited his friends without his say-so, that was well out of order, so any embarrassment on that score for you is self-inflicted.

He's old enough to know his own mind. If he is unsociable, that's his choice, and it's only your definition. He might say he was just reserved and found being with a lot of people stressful. He does not 'need' to be encouraged to do things at his age just because you like to do them yourself. You say he has friends, well, that's fine, he's not living like a hermit. And even if he did, that's his choice. Some of us who aren't the party sort do make the best of it so as not to spoil other people's fun when we get stuck with it, that doesn't mean we actually enjoyed it, or that even if we did enjoy it somewhat, we'd not still rather have done something else.

Some people really hate parties for themselves and others too.
One of my children would absolutely hate a party and even if it was in our house and I threw one for him he wouldnt come. My DH also hates parties. My other child and me love parties and we would have them every occassion if we could but we respect that the other two do not. I don't see why just because youbare twins you have to railroad your brother to do something he really hates.
I can see why you did it, as a party lover, for you, you imagined he would say he didnt want one, turn up and then be surprised at how lovely it all is to be celebrated and enjoy the party and you couldnt see it from his perspective at all. I think based on what your friend has said this might be something you do often, make plans and arrange things that you would love, probably becuase you can not see how anyone else would not want to do them. But really you just cant see things from other peoples perspective.

You owe your brother an apology.

In future when you ask him if he wants a joint birthday party with you and he says 'No', listen and hear him and respect his decision.

I thought it'd be like his 21st where he ended up enjoying it...
So you've already forced him into having a party he didn't want, and being young he probably felt he had to go.
19 years later you've done the same thing, only this time he's older and decided to stick by his own preference - well good for him!!

It says a lot about you, though, doesn’t it, that you have at least 2 friends who’ve accused you of making situations all about you. And you seem quite oblivious to both that and what MNers have to say about those situations and your behaviour.

Maybe they have a point?

Omg thank you for finding that - even on that thread, posters were putting two and two together and coming up with if the friend said that and the op wasn't really supported by other friends or family, it was probably because the op makes everything about herself.

And today's post shows she hasn't changed and her follow up messages shows she lacks awareness and is extremely selfish.

I feel for your brother. You invited his friends and embarrassed him yet you are the one who feels hard done by. I'm surprised you have many friends. Like I said before you have a few apologies to make. But I doubt it you made them, if they would be truly meant as it's clear you can't see past yourself and how it's affected you. You seem very deluded.

Genuinely - did you post because you wanted validation of your own view or because you wanted a true idea of how other people think? You’ve got the latter. I’m interested in whether you can see anything in the points others are making.

I think you were well-intentioned, it sounds like you really didn’t listen to or consider what your brother wanted. Perhaps you didn’t realise the depth of feeling he had at the time - it might be worth thinking about whether you now want to double down on your own perspective or reflect on what the majority of people here are suggesting. Maybe for your brother to ‘let you down’ like this, he felt very out of his comfort zone. Maybe he felt like he was in an impossible position. Maybe he felt like he had to stick to his guns this time but feels bad about the situation that’s put him in by being perceived to have let others down.

I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him.

That is just bonkers.

OP, your brother was clear, and told you he did not want a party and would not come.

But you insisted, railroaded on.

And then blamed your brother.

And are now blaming your friend and saying ‘she needs to watch her temper’

You seem to think that everyone should behave exactly as you wish.

Puppets in your kingdom.

My mum is a twin - she had a party for her 40th, 50th and 60th just for her - her brother attended but did his celebration separately so it was understood to be her party - people obviously said Happy Birthday to him too but it was mostly her friends. She attended his parties too but he was the main focus as well. You don’t need to do everything together!

YABU

He told you he wouldn’t be attending and he didn’t. You embarrassed him - making out he was all for it then making him look bad.

You should have just thrown your own party

But @loonyloo some people do not like parties, or the social side of them can be enjoyable at the time but can tire you out so much that it takes ages to feel normal again after. Stop trying to make him like you, he is his own person with his own likes and dislikes.

People are not being harsh ypu just don't like hearing what they are saying.

Your brother did not want what you wanted, he is entitled to make that choice and have you respect that choice. He doesn't need you to encourage him to come to stuff.

I thought it'd be like his 21st where he ended up enjoying it. You thought wrong didn't you? Or did you actually give any thought to him and what he wanted at all?

There is nothing stopping you having as many and as big birthday parties as you want, your brother is not stopping you is he?

Celebrate your birthday how you want and leave him to celebrate, or not, his how he wants. The fact you are twins is irrelevant he is still his own person with his own like and dislikes, his own opinions and his own decisions.

Your friend has made a very valid point, you should listen to her.

No, of course, everyone else is the problem, not you...

If most people are not seeing it from your point of view, perhaps some introspection is in order?

He told you he didn't want a party. You decided that he, a man well into adulthood, didn't really know what he wanted and you knew better. Now you're butthurt because he didn't show up to the party he didn't want, just as he told you he wouldn't. Can you really not see that you're completely unreasonable?

So you have a lot of friends calling you out for your behaviour but they're ALL in the wrong?

... I wanted my brother to have a nice birthday...
But only by your definition, not what he WANTED to do, so it wasn't a nice birthday for him.
That's what you're refusing to get.

If my brother throws me a 40th birthday he will
have the same outcome.

Some people just don’t want parties. I’ve not had one since I was a teen and dh knows better as well.