Grandson living with me and I'm struggling

I have every sympathy with you. This sounds exactly like my son, he's now early 20s, finished uni, moved back home, can't keep a job. He sleeps all day and is on his computer all night. He cooks late at night and never washes up, smokes weed, calls me insulting names, looms over me in a threatening way etc We adopted him as an older child, he'd had a horrendous early childhood. The first few years were great, he always had a temper but when he was younger we could handle him. However, he's now 6ft 5ins and very strong and imposing. My dh has become severely disabled due to illness and I'm now the one running the household alone with all the responsibilities. Ds does nothing to help, has no respect for dh and me and doesn't pay a penny towards his keep. He also gets very angry sometimes and bashes things, the wall, doors etc. I've threatened to call the police, I've threatened to throw him out but it's not as easy as people think. We are actually scared of him, he also suffers from deep depressions about his awful early childhood. He should have been given counselling by social services but once we adopted him they washed their hands of him. They didn't actually tell us the full truth of his situation, we'd still have adopted him and we do love him but we could have got him the help he needed earlier. If I throw him out he'll be homeless and I couldn't bear to think of that happening. He also threatens suicide if I try to get tough with him. All I can say is do something about your grandson now, while he is still young, don't end up with an angry, abusive adult living with you like I have.

You’re being abused and bullied in your own home, OP. Your GS sounds a very angry, probably depressed, young man. He needs more support than you can give. More than that, your kindness and tolerance is probably just enabling him.

He is using you. He has no intention of going to college or doing anything. How could he when he stays awake all night and sleeps all day? He sees you as an easy touch who won’t correct him and who he can bully into compliance.

Ignoring the awful effects on you, in the long run none of this is doing him any good at all - and the longer it goes on, the more entrenched his behaviour will become and the harder it will be for him to change.

This is a case where being ‘cruel’ will actually be being kind. Chuck him out; phone SS and tell them you’ve done so and that he’s homeless and in need of support. To chuck him out, you’ll have to plan the best way to do this. Does he go out long enough for you to get a locksmith to change the locks? If not, surreptitiously take his keys, when he’s out, then the next time he leaves the house don’t let him back in. Write him an email explaining your love for him, your worries, and that you’re doing this for his own good (but more nicely phrased than that).

Under no circumstances let your DS move back in either!

Harm minimisation is really just that. The concept is basically if he is going to self harm how can he reduce the risks and make it as safe as possible. Things like ensuring he has sterile implements, bandages ect.

I've attached a link about harm minimisation https://www.selfinjurysupport.org.uk/Handlers/Download.ashx?IDMF=2faddea6-fa37-486c-875c-a5b0a23091bd

This on is about creating a safety plan
https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/if-youre-worried-about-someone-else/supporting-someone-suicidal-thoughts/creating-safety-plan/

Call social services you've only got a year to do that. Tell them you can't cope. It's either gonna go. He will buck up his ideas with the thought of going into care or he will go into care but then he will be in the system and may get the help he needs.

He needs to go live with his father.
Tell your son you can't cope with GS anymore and to come pick him up. This is disgusting how you are being treated!

I do understand it's a delicate situation, I know PIP can be difficult, but my thinking is the EHCP should give extra weight to the application. As in, I wouldn't apply until the EHCP was at draft stage. Though unfortunately a lot of LAs refuse to assess, which are usually successfully appealed against.

It's a real shame that when the Education department got involved, they didn't push forward with an EHCP when they identified he was so behind then.

My eldest is 19 and autistic diagnosed as a toddler. We had many years of him saying he was fine, he didn't need to be able to interact with people as he had no interest. Refused to engage in therapy (he has an EHCP). It's only in the last few months he's had a complete 180 on it and asking for therapy. He's also asked for an ADHD assessment as he believes his sleep issues are linked. I can't take any credit for his turnaround, he's just realised how small his world is, and is no longer happy to live like it.

I hope your grandson will go to the college day, I think if he can stay engaged somewhere, it will help.

He smokes weed drinks alcohol and cooks during the night.The combination sounds very dangerous.Great that he cooks and that should be encouraged but you need be safe in your own home.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5060801-does-anyone-know-how-i-can-get-help-filling-in-a-pip-form?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share lots of useful tips on here.

He's not at risk in your home but you might be. I'm sure that this isn't how you envisaged your retirement.

You need to tell Social Services that you can't cope with his behaviour so you need him to leave. Your son dumping him on you isn't fair.

But by that time grandson was settled, had his room how he wanted it and had no interest in moving out not even overnight, he's only been to my sons house once or twice and he complained the whole time that he wanted to go home etc

Tough. People move. He has to get used to it.

Get him out. Knew you were going to say won’t go to school but quite happy to stay awake all night playing computer games. WIFI off and then get him out to his dads. End of.

But it is not ok for OP to be abused. She is trying everything, being called an old bitch in her own home while her feckless son ducks responsibility is not ok!

What chances are there of him engaging with an EHCP assessment? They go to age 25 and IME are very useful post-16. He'd need to request it/consent to allow you or his dad to deal with it on his behalf.

The reason I suggest EHCP as it should make it easier to access other services. He doesn't need a diagnosis to have an EHCP. Though I guess he'll be reluctant to agree to it.

I'm in 2 minds to say this, but I wonder if it was presented as giving him evidence towards applying for PIP it might motivate him? I hope I don't cause offence, just dealing with a 16 year that struggles to engage is very difficult.

I hope you're able to get some support.

That does sound totally suitable.

He is reacting like a younger child - still holding on to the promise he got from his dad even though his dad is unable to fulfil that. I could weep for him.

This!

Whatever your GS wants, send him to live with his Dad.

Sorry, my post sounds blamey but I an outraged on your behalf by the mess your adult son has son has dumped on you!

I am so sorry OP, I really am.
You are stuck and he has fallen through the gaps.
And it is so easy for that to happen with ND students, especially those who won't concede they may be ND.
You got your son through and he has a job (even though you said he, too, may lose it), what does he do?
I know in some parts of Gtr Manchester there are apprenticeships designed for autistic people. Does your son have an EHCP? How old is he?
The whole circle you are all in is relentless, vicious and co-dependent.
I absolutely understand why your grandson is online so much as he is regulating and it is the only social interaction he has. That, and the nocturnal gaming, has become the norm for him and to remove it, well, I've been there too.
It never ends well but I am strong enough physically to take the aftermath, I won't always be.
Mine is still at school but the school refusing is hell - and I'm a teacher.
Anyone judging should know that only 30% of autistic adults are in employment.
I do not think CAMHS is fit for purpose and I think it is so odd they now have the remit/are the umbrella agency, as in the past they said they could not work with autistic teens.

You need to reach out to anyone who'll listen OP.
Someone needs to help you out here. Who's your local MP? Have you had any direct dealings with Children's Services?

Which colleges are you looking at currently?
Did the school just wash their hands of him at the end or had you off rolled?
Has the careers post 16 teacher been in touch at all/been any help? Attendance officer? SENDCO?

There is a genetic component to ASC - I'd be amazed if he wasn't on the spectrum himself.
But ACE - adverse childhood experiences - play their part too and the outcomes for looked-after children LAC are also poorer. Did you become a kinship carer officially or have you just been trying to turn it all around/going it alone?

I don't think going back South - if it was towards London - would have been that better for him if he is already smoking weed. There's enough roadmen/waste men up here, let alone being a top g down there. But if he is barely leaving the house, the only consolation is that he has not (yet) involved in county lines.

You are all existing. Surviving not thriving.
And as a primary care giver for two vulnerable people, as well as wfh, your body is keeping the score OP.
Everyone saying chuck them both out. It isn't as simple as that. But finding a solution looks bloody hard, love.
I assume you need your internet connection for work, too.
Following with vested interest. Vent to me at any time, OP.
Edit: I did find various agency website links but they won't be of any use, if he won't engage. That's why you need an intervention of sorts by an external agency for those in your situation. Hopefully, someone on here may have been through similar and can tell us both, how they got to the other side. Hand-hold in the meantime x

Do you mind me asking though WHY you are prepared to put up with this? Do you feel guilty about not intervening earlier or guilty that your son isn't adulting successfully? You've got a completely unproductive young man living with you, who's to all intents and purposes driven your long term partner away; he's rude and dismissive; not in work or education; leaves the house only to get weed; why are you just meekly putting up with it? Why not take a harder line with your actual son who's enabling the behaviour by paying for data and drugs and special foods?

Has he actually got a place at college? If not, you need to sort that asap.