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AIBU?

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Mum demanding payments each month

488 replies

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:24

At 17, I moved out of home. This was due to constant, every single day of my childhood, verbal and physical fights. It cooled a little after I moved out, but they got more, almost spiteful? I believe they felt affronted that ‘I’ had caused social services to become involved (they kicked me out so I stayed at a friends house, I told them what happened, and they told their social worker), and therefore never really forgave me for that, even though they made it seem like they had for the most part.
Since then, when I had absolutely zero money, was living on my own, and to be honest I still felt like a child, I would have to end up borrowing small loans from my mum, such as £10-£20 here and there for food shopping until the end of the month.
From there, due to having pay back more and more each month but my income not increasing, I have ended up in a situation where the debt has continually risen. She is now demanding £400 a month from me, my current wage is £800. It used to be £200, which would then of course still leave me short for the month so by the end of it I would have ended up having to borrow more again to get food shopping etc. I’m not sure why it has suddenly gone up to £400 from £200? Basically, it’s an endless cycle that has been going for years, of me not being able to afford to pay that first £20 back and still make money stretch for that month simultaneously, and hence never releasing myself of the debt.
She has recently, in the last 3 years or so, come into a lot of money from various sources all at one time. I’m not sure on specifics but she has at least £150k+, and will soon be getting her share of another £400k+.
I have told her I simply cannot afford to pay her £400 a month, and how will I make it through the month with less than half of my wages left?
She is threatening to cut off contact, and I assume will forever more talk bad about me to the rest of my family.
AIBU, or is she?

OP posts:
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Bilbo63 · 24/08/2025 03:00

Your mother is a loan shark. We had an info session from trading standards regarding loan sharks. It can be the little old lady down the road - if it is without a written agreement - it is illegal and your mother can be prosecuted.

sounds like you are best out of itv- it’s about vindictive control for her. I wish you much strength. Please explore the counselling that your GP has referred you to. Build your resilience and understanding of yourself and your relationship with your mother before considering whether the relationship is salvageable.

XWKD · 24/08/2025 01:43

You have shown incredible courage and strength. You owe her nothing.

MarxistMags · 24/08/2025 01:27

Your boyfriend owes her money ? How does she work that one out ? Did he have a cup of tea at her house ?
You owe her nothing, and definitely not respect.

chaosmaker · 24/08/2025 01:05

@Lifeisinshambles don't feel like you have to rush through counselling. It will take time for you to be ready to get to the crux of the matter as it is your entire parent/child relationship so not easy to tackle.
My partner is still working out stuff to do with childhood and he's in his 50's. Sending you love

incognitomouse · 23/08/2025 07:16

She sounds toxic. Move on and enjoy your life OP, she's already put you through enough. Sadly, just because people are family it doesn't make them good people. Don't waste the rest of your life trying to please her.

ThereMustBeReason · 23/08/2025 07:13

Live your life OP. Work hard and enjoy your successes. I feel certain you have repaid anything owed. Though I doubt you truly owed much in this circumstance. Time to move on and look forwards. Shed the past.

AbzMoz · 23/08/2025 06:42

Your mother’s response speaks volumes - people stand up to her they need to financially pay her. People stand up to her they’re cut out of a will. She uses money as a weapon and has been abusing you for too long.

I’m so pleased you’re getting therapy as no part of your experience is normal, acceptable or in any way your fault. Wishing you only good things from here.

TheGreatWesternShrew · 23/08/2025 06:06

She sounds psychotic OP. I know it hurts but you’re better off without her. Never pay her another penny. She’s been extorting you.

Focus on your own life. Imagine what you could’ve done with all the money she’s conned you out of. And social workers certainly don’t remove children just for crying so you clearly met a high threshold of abuse/neglect for them to assist you in getting away.

Billybagpuss · 23/08/2025 06:00

I’m hoping that the horrible conversation you had the other day means you no longer intend to send her any more money.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the we are cutting you off silent treatment only lasts until next months money would be due. Then she’ll be back in touch trying to draw you back in again.

hopefully you will have been able to have someone in real life to talk to by then.

the only way to break this cycle is to stay strong and not pay her any more.

croydon15 · 22/08/2025 21:54

Boomer55 · 22/08/2025 16:46

If you owe anyone money, you need to pay it back. 🤷‍♀️

Have you read OP posts ?

LuckyShark · 22/08/2025 20:36

Im sorry you are feeling this way today.
Im really glad you are already about to access some therapy.

Unfortunately there just are some people out there who shouldn't be parents like your mum, and by what you've said she holds the reins over your Dad.

But always remember.... you escaped, you've broken her pattern.

By getting away through SS you've ruined her self-image of the perfectparent

She's made you borrow money and keep you in a huge amount of debt because she could see you were doing too well without her, so she used something in her arsenal to keep you down.

She may well flag you off to friends or family.....but you don't need to worry, her mask is already cracked.
And you are there, with your BF, with a job, a home, a Boss who thinks well of you.
You are thriving. Friends and family will see that, the more your Mother complains the more they will recognise YOU.

(My DH went through a very similar thing inc the money. 20 years out of his life and he's so so happy, a few bumps on the road.....he says therapy and always love yourself, youre worth much more than you've been told)

Silvers11 · 22/08/2025 20:18

Boomer55 · 22/08/2025 16:46

If you owe anyone money, you need to pay it back. 🤷‍♀️

Maybe read all the OPs posts before commenting?

GameWheelsAlarm · 22/08/2025 16:49

Boomer55 · 22/08/2025 16:46

If you owe anyone money, you need to pay it back. 🤷‍♀️

Have you read the thread? The mum is making shit up about fictional debts, and trying to charge OP for the normal expenses of being a parent. There are no genuine debts remaining. The only reasonable debts (ie agreed as loans) have all been repaid.

Boomer55 · 22/08/2025 16:46

If you owe anyone money, you need to pay it back. 🤷‍♀️

Dabberlocks · 22/08/2025 16:35

Lifeisinshambles · 22/08/2025 11:54

Thank you everyone.

Now that I’ve got a quiet moment at work and I am reflecting on our conversation yesterday, I’m becoming quite numb to the sadness of losing them, as I remember what they said to me yesterday.
She said I am a user, an actress, I erased any good times we ever had, it’s been a waste of her time, I’m making trauma’s up, I ‘conned the social workers by turning on the water works’, and even beginning to say that my boyfriend should be paying her too.
Feel very angry that she has said so many insults to me, and refuses to accept that she could be wrong.

She is a despicable abuser, who has been abusing and tormenting you for your entire life. She will never change and she will never admit what she has done. People like her never do. She is an utter disgrace and how anyone could do this to their own child is beyond me.

You are her victim. None of what happened is your fault. Please do seek some counselling, so you can talk it through with someone who can help you.

Worralorra · 22/08/2025 16:05

To be honest, I think that this comes under the heading of Financial Abuse.
Just tell her that by having you, she was responsible for you until you were 18, so you’re not paying a penny of that part of the debt back. And then say you’ll pay her in reasonable instalments when she provides you with a breakdown of everything she has loaned you since you turned 18.
I bet she hasn’t kept notes, and from your description I guess she won’t like that! So then as PP have said, tell all your relatives and her friends about her financial abuse, and go LC or NC.
I’ve loaned my DC over £20,000 between them over the last ten years. I fully expect that they won’t be able to pay me back, and that’s fine - they remember I helped them out when they were in dire straits and are grateful for it…

J3001 · 22/08/2025 16:03

Lifeisinshambles · 22/08/2025 07:11

I made a gp appointment a couple of weeks ago about other things, but they had sent me a link to health in mind self referral therapy. They’ve accepted my application, I just need to make a phone appointment. I have no idea where to start and it seems super scary to actually talk about anything to do with them to anyone in depth!

Op im in therapy for things and believe me its so much easier talking to a stranger i've just unloaded to mine this morning they don't judge and give good advice and take a sifferent perspective that makes more sense than what i was seeing

Billybagpuss · 22/08/2025 15:51

I’m so sorry what you have gone through the last couple of days. It’s going to take you a long time to process everything and well done on booking the gp appointment and the referral. It’s the first step of a long road.

Hopefully this thread has started to give you some clarity and perspective about what was happening.

As pp have said it isn’t about the money, if it had been you would have known exactly how much you owe and an end date. To me it honestly seemed like you were being used to supplement her monthly income, which you absolutely can not afford to do.

start to jot down a few things as you remember them almost in preparation for the referral. You are going to be so overwhelmed, your mum has said you have erased all the good things, but she has made no effort to acknowledge the bad and it sounds like there’s been a lot of bad.

good luck.

As things start to settle in your head try to find some self care for you.

Tandia · 22/08/2025 15:35

Bless you - it is not you, it is them. They have been terrible parents and sound like pretty terrible human beings. You have done so well to turn out as well rounded and sensible as you sound. Please, never give them another penny. Take all the counselling / therapy and support you are offered and you will slowly heal and see the truth. If you are no longer paying your mum £100-£200 a month, can you afford to put that away in savings? Then you will know that you have a buffer if a 'rainy day' comes along and you need some extra cash, and will never be tempted to go to them to ask for help again?

BeLemonNow · 22/08/2025 15:24

I'm really sorry OP. Your mum has revealed her true colours. It is horrible and hateful. No one's relationship who is dependent on sending them money every month is worth it.

Good luck with your GP appointment. There's lots of affordable options for counselling out there if that's something you want to explore now or in the future.

In the meantime, please be aware you aren't alone.

Pessismistic · 22/08/2025 12:52

Lifeisinshambles · 22/08/2025 11:54

Thank you everyone.

Now that I’ve got a quiet moment at work and I am reflecting on our conversation yesterday, I’m becoming quite numb to the sadness of losing them, as I remember what they said to me yesterday.
She said I am a user, an actress, I erased any good times we ever had, it’s been a waste of her time, I’m making trauma’s up, I ‘conned the social workers by turning on the water works’, and even beginning to say that my boyfriend should be paying her too.
Feel very angry that she has said so many insults to me, and refuses to accept that she could be wrong.

Hi op your mum is lashing out because you stood up to her she is hating not having control of you. Please please go to your therapy sessions you will be surprised what you will learn just start of with what you feel comfortable with and as time goes on things will unravel also if you cry this is good don’t hide your emotions. I’m also very sorry to hear your parents are absolute bastards and your better off without them you can’t see it now your so young and you really shouldn’t be going through this but there so selfish there basically blackmailing you to pay them to stay in your life. Any mother who treats their own flesh and blood this way is not worthy of the name mum. Honestly I feel for you but they are not good parents they’re evil. You now can hopefully afford to live without owing them money and the fact they were willing to leave you broke every month tells me you were never getting any inheritance. Because any decent parents would help you now not when they are dead.

AliceMcK · 22/08/2025 12:48

Lifeisinshambles · 22/08/2025 11:54

Thank you everyone.

Now that I’ve got a quiet moment at work and I am reflecting on our conversation yesterday, I’m becoming quite numb to the sadness of losing them, as I remember what they said to me yesterday.
She said I am a user, an actress, I erased any good times we ever had, it’s been a waste of her time, I’m making trauma’s up, I ‘conned the social workers by turning on the water works’, and even beginning to say that my boyfriend should be paying her too.
Feel very angry that she has said so many insults to me, and refuses to accept that she could be wrong.

OP you’re doing the right thing. Nothing will get better over night it is a very long and painful process but you will come out of it so much stronger.

Things to remember/think about

What they say to you says more about them than you!

Its not normal for parents to talk to their children that way

Learn how to “ Grey Rock” asap. You can look it up and learn about it before therapy.

Dont try to defend yourself, ever! There are always going to be people who feel the need to intervene, make comments, make you feel like you’re the problem. Learn to either cut them out of your life or shut them down. My response is usually “ my relationship with my parents is one thing, yours is another, I don’t expect you to understand and I don’t want to talk about it”.

Find groups that can support you. The Stately Homes thread here is amazing. It’s about surviving toxic, abusive, narcissistic parents

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5365921-july-2025-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

There is so much more knowledge and support for victims of narcissistic parents now.

Stay strong x

July 2025 - Well we took you to Stately Homes | Mumsnet

I have now set up a new thread as the previous one is now full. This long runnning thread has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive famil...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5365921-july-2025-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

rainingsnoring · 22/08/2025 12:17

Lifeisinshambles · 22/08/2025 11:54

Thank you everyone.

Now that I’ve got a quiet moment at work and I am reflecting on our conversation yesterday, I’m becoming quite numb to the sadness of losing them, as I remember what they said to me yesterday.
She said I am a user, an actress, I erased any good times we ever had, it’s been a waste of her time, I’m making trauma’s up, I ‘conned the social workers by turning on the water works’, and even beginning to say that my boyfriend should be paying her too.
Feel very angry that she has said so many insults to me, and refuses to accept that she could be wrong.

I'm really sorry but people like this never accept that they are wrong. Unfortunately, you need to realise that it is your own mother that is defective and will not change. It is not you that is the problem here. Please move away from their awful influence. Hard as it must be, you will be better for it in the long run.

Ellie56 · 22/08/2025 12:10

Lifeisinshambles · 22/08/2025 11:54

Thank you everyone.

Now that I’ve got a quiet moment at work and I am reflecting on our conversation yesterday, I’m becoming quite numb to the sadness of losing them, as I remember what they said to me yesterday.
She said I am a user, an actress, I erased any good times we ever had, it’s been a waste of her time, I’m making trauma’s up, I ‘conned the social workers by turning on the water works’, and even beginning to say that my boyfriend should be paying her too.
Feel very angry that she has said so many insults to me, and refuses to accept that she could be wrong.

Nope nope nope.

She is the user, not you.

She is a shit excuse for a mother and a completely toxic waste of space. I can assure you there is a special place in hell for her.

You do not need her in your life. You are worth any number of her. And you DO NOT owe her any money or anything else.

Keep hold of your money. Block your awful "mother" on everything, hold your head up high and use your money for counselling and therapy.

THisbackwithavengeance · 22/08/2025 12:06

Don't give her any more money. You can’t afford it. She’s taking the piss and you don’t owe her anything.

Her job as a parent was to support and raise you to adulthood. She failed in that. Shame on your mum for demanding half your wages.

Have you got a leaving care worker OP who will support you to stand up
to your mum?

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