DH giving me the ick **trigger warning sexual abuse**

Yes it would bother me. I dumped a bloke for similar behaviour years ago. Sexual innuendos make me feel sick never mind unwanted groping. It would probably drive me to violence these days. I’m not as tolerant as I used to be

This is just not nice , married 20 years , please do something , no momen should be treated like this .Plus not working is a heavy burden for you to carry so sorry

This post could have been written by me. A couple of years before my marriage there were some local media reports that triggered really intrusive memories and thoughts of childhood SA. My then fiancee didn't support me at all, despite it being clear that I was having a breakdown. I got counselling, but the funding for it ran out after 6 months, leaving me with a lot of unresolved trauma. Throughout it all my fiancee pestered me repeatedly for sex. I eventually got more counselling and we got married. I should have seen this lack of understanding and compassion as a huge red flag. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
After we were married he became really abusive in all sorts of ways, cumulating in him accusing me of withholding sex from him out of malice, rather than a trauma response (I was diagnosed with CPTSD), and then moving on to accusing me of "raping" him after I sent him a cartoon laying out consent guidelines.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4801626-husband-says-i-raped-him

When I really looked at him as a person after I escaped, I realised that there were a lot of clues as to who he was that I just missed. The way he was always just a bit too physical on our early dates, the reluctance to talk about big decisions with me, and the awful time he said 'make me a sandwich' with a creepy smirk on his face (this is apparently an Andrew tare thing). What the signs were pointing to was that he saw me AS HIS PROPERTY.
In his mind once I married him he was entitled to do whatever he wanted with me, and as his property I was not allowed to exist as a person with my own thoughts, rights and opinions, but simply existed as an extension of him. Most men would be horrified to think they had contributed to more trauma, but some, like my XH and your DH can see no further than their own satisfaction. Get out asap. He won't change and you deserve so much better.
Sending a hug x

yes, this would bother me. Unfortunately, lots of blokes seem to be like this. It’s vile.

Leave him. Any respectful decent partner would not treat you this way. You deserve better.

I hope you get rid of him soon. His behaviour is appalling. He is definitely not a good man. You deserve better especially after your traumatic childhood.
I too was sexually assaulted as a child and a few times my dh used to natter for a certain sex act which I definitely didn't want. I didn't do it but every so often he would ask and try to persuade me eventually I told him it made me feel just as i had as a child, he was absolutely mortified and never asked again. No he shouldn't have nattered but once he knew how I felt he stopped as should your husband. 💐

Have you spoken to any domestic violence services yet?

Find another house and end the tenancy. Move out and take the kids. Chances are, because he's fundamentally lazy and will have no money, he won't bother fighting for shit!

Good for you! That's an unbelievably brave thing for you to do. It's difficult enough to take those sort of life-changing steps even when people haven't suffered your past history.

But be assured it will be the best thing you have ever done for both you and your children. Please reach out and take every bit of support you can get.

Please contact Women's Aid who will be able to help you.

You were extremely vulnerable at 18 and clearly had no one to tell you that a 33 year old man chasing you was so massively inappropriate.

Start thinking about how a shared childcare arrangement might work.

If you don't want him touching you, then you tell him to stop. He needs to respect your boundaries.

No OP, your childhood experience isn't clouding your view. Your response to this endless assault is perfectly normal.

If you've ever had sex to shut him up - that's not consent
If you've ever had sex to avoid the inevitable consequence - that's not consent
If you've ever had sex that you said no to - that's not consent

If you've ever had sex you didn't fully consent to, then you have been raped.

If you're in the UK, the law is clear on this. If these have been some of your experiences then you are involved with a man who is predatory, dangerous and not what you thought he was.

I know people mean well when they suggest talking to him about this. He already knows on a daily basis this distresses you. He knows he's trying to push you into sex you don't want. He knows you're saying no but he ignores it.

He won't stop out of respect for the harm this does to you. He's an abuser, they enjoy hurting you more than they would ever enjoy loving you.

I say this on every one of these threads, so I'll say it again here. These men don't think like we do.

That's why we get blindsided, why it takes time for us to start questioning. They tie you in knots gaslighting you until somehow you think it's your fault or you're over reacting.

Reframe this through the lens that he hates you rather than loves you and it may make more sense x

‘Bother’ doesn’t touch the sides of what would feel.

Rage
Wanting to end the relationship
Insulted
Demeaned

Now we are starting to get into the right territory.

Talk to women’s aid. Get advice. Describe how things are. Generally women realise it’s worse than they thought.

He’s unlikely to get DC if he’s being investigated for coercive control and rape- if that is what has been happening.

Take back control of your life. Stop enabling him. Look at your schedule and see what it looks like if you are single. See what parts of the school run etc you can do, what you’d need help with. After school club?

It’s possible work will be sympathetic and flexible, if you are able to explain to a manager that you are experiencing domestic abuse.

You don’t have to go along with this just because you always have. You are not the vulnerable 18yr old you used to be. You can make changes.

You need legal advice and quickly. Please phone womens aid, have a look at their website too.

He is a sex pest. Even when i"m all loved up in a relationship, this would get in my nerves. In my opinion this is another level of sex pest because he knows the awful suffering during your childhood yet he does not take this into.consideration. Vile.

Christ. You say ‘we married young’, OP, but he didn’t, did he? He was a 33 year old man who went after a vulnerable and traumatised teenager, and has since treated you as a combination of workhorse and plaything (with a little sprinkling of DV on top), all whilst cocklodging on your dime under your roof.

You’re right, he’s not a nice man.

How old are you now, and how old are your children? Do you have any kind of support network?

As @Rosegoldy says, you need to get yourself some help. Women’s Aid is a good starting point, and google The Freedom Programme to start to get better informed about your situation and your options. You don’t have to continue living with a lazy, abusive sex pest.

Fucking hell, he was 33! Sounds like he took advantage of your vulnerability.

Why did you marry him?

I would definitely divorce him, he's massively abusive.

It does sound like an awful marriage, OP.

How old are your children now?

Start by asking for help.
Contact Domestic abuse charities.
He targeted you as barely a child.
15 years older than you, when you were 18 is disgusting. I have an 18 year old and I would be beside myself if she got involved with such a much older man.

Hd has lived off you. Won't leave?
I think you are a victim of Coercive control.

You can walk into a police station and ask for Domestic abuse/Coercive control/sexual abuse help.

You do not have to tolerate this any more.

What age are your children?

He’s taking you for an absolute ride.

So he gets to stay at home all day whilst you work full time then when you’re finally home he pesters you like some live in sex worker to constantly be ready for him? M

I can bet he’s not exactly picking up the slack with childcare or household duties whilst being out of work either.

What is his field? Sexually harassing women?

He pursued you when you were a teenager who was 15 years younger than him, so he was 33 when you were 18 but you have been the breadwinner throughout your marriage? Obviously, that pales into insignificance in comparison with his physical and sexual abuse, but what a lazy, cocklodging loser he is.