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Original poster

To refuse 25% vs 75% split ownership of house?

313 replies

peevedpartner · 11/08/2025 13:45

In short: we have sold our house and are hoping to exchange on a new home soon. Husband wants to have the house 25% in my name while the other 75% is in his name.

I don’t know how much info or back story is.l needed to provide additional context, but I will try and summarise below:

DH and I have jointly owned our current home for 15years. We also jointly own a flat that we'd like to sell in the next couple of years. We are upsizing soon to a larger home to accommodate our family.

The new home is roughly double the size and value of our current home. We were only able to purchase the new house due to a substantial amount of money that was given to us from his mother (essentially an early inheritance). The money from his mum is roughly 25% of the total value of the new house.

I work full time while DH runs his own business. He makes approx 3-4 times as much as I do, and is able to write a lot of the family expenses off under his business. So while he says he pays for everything, that isn't 100% true because some bits such as mobile phones, and other small expenses are written off as business expenses.

We live a good lifestyle. I don't ask for much. I give DH 40% of my paycheque each month. I put 14% into a long term savings account, some goes into short term savings, credit card payment, life insurance, etc. I put 14% into my monthly spending account to cover things for myself such clothing, hair cuts, activities, coffee / meals out with friends, etc.
I don't eat much while at home, so I don't cost a lot to 'keep around'. I also pay for some of the children's clothing, a weekly activity class and other bits when they need them.

DH covers the bulk of the household expenses including school fees, children's activities, the bulk of the mortgage, household bills, etc. A lot of the monthly expenses would be viewed as luxuries, but he refuses to compromise on them for the sake of the children.

DH has several expensive hobbies that require a lot of space which is partly why we have had to move into a much larger home. Without them and the space they require we could make do with a smaller home. He wouldn't like that though, as he likes the 'status' and feeling of achievement that comes with a larger home.

DH has always had big aspirations and has done everything he can to make those happen. I am appreciative of this and have benefitted from them (house, etc). I have had a rough time career wise not living up to my (and his!) full aspirations and potential due to undiagnosed ADHD for 40years.

DH has always said I need to contribute more, and doesn’t think it’s right that he pays for everything. He says I don’t contribute anything and basically thinks I sponge off of him.

He doesn’t like my very small group of friends because the majority of them are divorced and / or aren’t high earners and are sponging off their wealthier husbands.

DH and I haven’t got the greatest relationship, but I would never leave him. He claims the same about me, but is verbally and emotionally abusive a lot of the time and has threatened me with divorce quite a few times over the years, but then says he’d never actually do it.

We are now at a cross roads where he is essentially making me agree to and sign the papers that say I’m only entitled to 25% of the house in the event of divorce. He claims he’s STILL giving me 25% and believes he’s being generous because I ‘don’t contribute anything’ and haven’t put any money towards the down payment.

I pointed out that I give him 40% of my paycheque (with plans to contribute almost 50% in a couple months), but he said he has nothing to do with that because it’s the vale of the house and the money that his mum has given to us. So he’s trying to protect that because she wanted to give it as a gift so she could see our children have a nice house.

I do understand his point of view on that and the fact that £400k is essentially his inheritance. But for years and years he’s made me feel worthless because he’s always said he wished I earned more and I don’t contribute anything. But I work my ass off and have had my own struggles with ADHD that have held me back in so many areas of life and my career. As much as I’d love to I can’t go back in time and change that.

Now he’s being nasty and saying I’m showing my true colours and being greedy by wanting more than 25% of the house in my name. He keeps reassuring me that if something else happens like death it’d would all still go to me. But that it’s only if I divorced him that the 25% would come into play. He keeps saying if I divorced him, because he'd never divorce me. But it would be divorce in general.

I realise this has been long, and thank you for reading if you got this far.

I’m so hurt and upset right now I don’t know what to do. He’s throwing insults at me now insisting I’m only in it for the money and I’m showing my true colours, and just trying to make me look like a selfish evil person. I don't know what to do. I don't like fighting or arguing and I don't like being difficult. He's pressuring me to do this and I don't feel comfortable with all of this.

OP posts:
ShortRun · 13/08/2025 10:03

peevedpartner · 11/08/2025 14:26

I've pointed out several people we know where the wives no longer work at all for a variety of reasons. But he says I don't know what their arrangement is at home, and starts to yell and gets nasty.

It's not like we've just met and are getting married for the first time where I've arrived with only the clothes on my back and he's providing everything. Although that is literally the way he sees it a lot of the time. That I'm sponging off of him and contributing nothing

Show quote history

I'm another of those, that earn less than our partners. I earn a third of what he earns but, if it weren't for that third our way of life would be different. In fact my husband asks my opinion if he wants to make any big transactions. To someone like your husband that would be a man without a spine 🤣🤣🤣🤣 And my husband champions me all day. I used to be married to someone like your husband. It must be so hard and soul destroying to be made to feel how you're being made to feel. ( I used to be married to someone like that he was also a great dad but a $hit partner emotionally immature and insecure. Your husband sound pathetic if he's not your greatest fan. He yells at you and gets nasty- that's abuse. If anyone else belittled you like that it wouldn't be ok. If anyone did that to your kids it wouldn't be ok, so why can he? He's insecure about your single friends (as mine was hated divorcees or my sister being around me) because they are better off and that might give you ideas. Coz he knows what he's doing to you is wrong. I was in denial that my ex wasn't THAT bad even after I divorced him. Now that I'm with a REAL man, a secure man, a happy man I realise what I went through was unnatural. I too have ADHD and anxiety and would blame it all on myself. I don't have anything anymore, also had severe immune system issues .... ALL GONE! Don't cover up his actions and rosetint it .

BookArt55 · 13/08/2025 09:46

Terfarina · 13/08/2025 08:11

It sounds like you are attributing your life choices and troubles to having adhd, it sounds to me that he is the cause of your troubles and as he sounds so controlling I would imagine he’s impacted a lot on your life choices. Without him, who knows where your career would have gone.

Don’t let him use adhd as a stick to beat you with.

it sounds like he is loaded and you are comparatively not. For a long relationship that’s just weird.

why does he bully you over your income when he makes plenty of money?

I understand why you are worried about him manipulating your children if you split but most children would prefer the happy less luxurious house with mum than the gilded cage with dad. How do they feel about his behaviour? Do they appreciate this is abnormal? Does it affect the way they treat others?

With my husband, when we bought our house I contributed £100k deposit and he £15k. I’ve always earned about twice his salary. We are not wealthy and have plenty of debt, generally in my name as I organise everything. Everything we own and spend is entirely joint - house owned in common and all money put into one pot. That’s because we are a partnership and trust each other.

This part about ADHD... when I was in an abusive relationship my then undiagnosed ADHD really seemed to ramp up. From small slights to his full abuse- he blamed me for it all, and because of that Rejection Sensitivity Disorder that the majority of ADHD people suffer from I took it all on and blamed myself.

Since leaving the relationship I have realised it wasn't my ADHD that was the cause of it all, it was the abuse I was dealing with every day. So please don't blame yourself. I have struggled with anxiety and depression, but again, sooooooo much better since removing myself. And my children are doing so much better also, with all also having adhd. He's more confident and everyone has noticed it.

Your husband is abusive. You can't change him. But he sure as hell has changed you by taking away your confidence, making you doubt yourself and your opinions, and a whole host of other things. Be strong for you and your kids, don't put money above happiness.

BunnyLake · 13/08/2025 09:43

ChuppaChupp · 13/08/2025 01:26

I stay for the children. I know that won't make sense to a lot of people.

You are kidding yourself I’m afraid. you should be leaving FOR you children. You said earlier that he is verbally nasty to your kids and you have repeatedly said he is nasty to you in front of the kids. It all sounds like a toxic and unhappy home. You can’t think that it’s in your kids best interests to stay. It’s sad that you think your kids will be swayed by gifts from their Dad if you split up. I don’t think most kids would be that easily bribed by someone who has behaved as badly as your husband has. Also, it sounds like there is enough money about. There is no reason to think you would be living in poverty.

what happens in the future once your kids have left home? Do you think it will be easier to leave then? Or do you think you will stay with him? It sounds so miserable for you.

Totally this. My kids got all the money stuff from their dad and the normal day to day life stuff from me. They are adult now and I am the parent they love and feel like ‘home’ to, not their dad. They have always chosen the financially poor parent over the affluent one and have said how much they would have hated to have had him live with us (we split when they were young). They don’t mind seeing him for a couple of days but they’ve had enough of him by then. His money hasn’t bought their love, they would choose their minimum wage mother (me) every time. They were never ever swayed by the presents and luxuries their dad bought them.

thepariscrimefiles · 13/08/2025 08:51

DaisyChain505 · 13/08/2025 07:25

You say you’re staying for the kids yet go on to name all the way it would effect you if you split.

Him calling you bad names.

Him being able to buy the kids stuff you can’t.

She's scared of him using parental alienation to punish her for leaving him which sounds pretty likely considering his behaviour.

He would use the tactics of calling OP bad names to their children and him buying stuff that she can't afford to turn the children against her so that they won't want to live with her or even see her. He is obviously a scarily manipulative man who holds all the cards.

Terfarina · 13/08/2025 08:11

It sounds like you are attributing your life choices and troubles to having adhd, it sounds to me that he is the cause of your troubles and as he sounds so controlling I would imagine he’s impacted a lot on your life choices. Without him, who knows where your career would have gone.

Don’t let him use adhd as a stick to beat you with.

it sounds like he is loaded and you are comparatively not. For a long relationship that’s just weird.

why does he bully you over your income when he makes plenty of money?

I understand why you are worried about him manipulating your children if you split but most children would prefer the happy less luxurious house with mum than the gilded cage with dad. How do they feel about his behaviour? Do they appreciate this is abnormal? Does it affect the way they treat others?

With my husband, when we bought our house I contributed £100k deposit and he £15k. I’ve always earned about twice his salary. We are not wealthy and have plenty of debt, generally in my name as I organise everything. Everything we own and spend is entirely joint - house owned in common and all money put into one pot. That’s because we are a partnership and trust each other.

Pogpog21 · 13/08/2025 07:50

as some others have said, it would be fair to ring fence the 400k from his mother and then split ownership of the house 50/50.

he doesn’t sound like he respects you and it sounds like he’s resentful of the situation he is in - you noted that he is the high earner, he does the homework, a lot of the school runs and a lot of the house admin - he may be feeling tired and resentful at that and taking it out on you in this way. Not saying that is ok, but perhaps if his life vision is a certain way and yours isn’t/ you aren’t helping that become a reality that’s where his approach is coming from. If you want to stay together you should say that you understand that the inheritance be protected but you pay a lot every month from your pay and always have done and have equity in your current properties that needs to be reflected in the go forward arrangement. And you should go to couples counselling to try and resolve what is driving his behaviour.

DaisyChain505 · 13/08/2025 07:25

You say you’re staying for the kids yet go on to name all the way it would effect you if you split.

Him calling you bad names.

Him being able to buy the kids stuff you can’t.

Beammeupscotty2025 · 13/08/2025 07:16

You’re not a wife or even an equal in this marriage. In his eyes you are less than.

You have a shiny successful outward appearance but it is a very sad existence you lead.

The split of the house to ring fence the 400k early inheritance is not the main issue. This I would not be bothered about so long as it was fairly split after seeking professional advice. It’s how he sees you as a person.

Kerri44 · 13/08/2025 07:06

I own more of our house than my husband, my mum gifted me £35,000 deposit so I own 60 something % and he owns 30 something %....can't remember exact amount, we are "tenants in common" not "joint tenants"....my husband never questioned it as he knows it's money my mum gave me as early inheritance

underthisredrock · 13/08/2025 03:35

LSADM · 13/08/2025 01:44

Considering the 25% input from his mother it would be acceptable to do a 45/55 split to account for that but not 75/25. That would mean his 25% inheritance is doubled.

he may earn more but then could he work as much if you didn’t do what you did for the house and family. It’s a partnership.

id tell him it’s 45/55 split or we can split right now. It sounds like your friends are only a bad influence because they’re telling you home truths and he doesn’t like that.

Agree. And honestly, he sounds pretty awful, despite OPs attempts to minimise his behaviour.

abracadabra1980 · 13/08/2025 03:33

Your emotional state and peace of mind is worth way more than his ridiculous nasty attitude towards his precious £400k. I’d tell him to keep fucking inheritance and divorce him anyway.

Secretsquirels · 13/08/2025 02:09

I’d take the route of “if you’re uncomfortable with 50/50 ownership in the new house, then I think that we should cancel the purchase and just stay here”.

LSADM · 13/08/2025 01:44

Considering the 25% input from his mother it would be acceptable to do a 45/55 split to account for that but not 75/25. That would mean his 25% inheritance is doubled.

he may earn more but then could he work as much if you didn’t do what you did for the house and family. It’s a partnership.

id tell him it’s 45/55 split or we can split right now. It sounds like your friends are only a bad influence because they’re telling you home truths and he doesn’t like that.

ChuppaChupp · 13/08/2025 01:26

I stay for the children. I know that won't make sense to a lot of people.

You are kidding yourself I’m afraid. you should be leaving FOR you children. You said earlier that he is verbally nasty to your kids and you have repeatedly said he is nasty to you in front of the kids. It all sounds like a toxic and unhappy home. You can’t think that it’s in your kids best interests to stay. It’s sad that you think your kids will be swayed by gifts from their Dad if you split up. I don’t think most kids would be that easily bribed by someone who has behaved as badly as your husband has. Also, it sounds like there is enough money about. There is no reason to think you would be living in poverty.

what happens in the future once your kids have left home? Do you think it will be easier to leave then? Or do you think you will stay with him? It sounds so miserable for you.

Meg8 · 13/08/2025 00:33

It is illegal to claim expenses as being for business purposes without some method/evidence of showing that the apportionment is reasonable. A family car for example could be used partly for business purposes but only the proportion actually used for business purposes can be offset against the business profits.

InWalksBarberalla · 12/08/2025 23:49

peevedpartner · 11/08/2025 14:03

For the most part he's very kind. He does a lot for the kids. Much more than the average husband / father I'd say (and so he claims!).

But he can get quite verbally nasty to us all. Children both likely ADHD or AuADHD so fragile like me, but he won't let me get them tested. Another thing he's threatened to divorce me over.

Show quote history

This is abuse, you might be prepared to put up with this awful man but you need to stand up for your children. You know what a lack of diagnosis did to your life so why subject your children to the same.

GlosGirl82 · 12/08/2025 23:19

This is a horrible and abusive man! My gosh, you should get down to a solicitor asap and ensure he does not know. Get some proper financial and legal advice and get ready for a divorce. I am so sorry this is happening to you. Read your post back - if a friend told you this - you would advise her to leave and escape this abuse

Allisnotlost1 · 12/08/2025 23:07

OP see a decent lawyer as soon as you can, make notes before the first meeting and gather any evidence you can of his finances and his behaviour towards you. At least get a sense of what position you’d be in if you were to divorce and then you can make an informed and rational plan. There’s a previous thread on finding a solicitor here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4893956-finding-a-decent-divorce-lawyer

Finding a decent divorce lawyer | Mumsnet

I desperately need to leave my marriage, after years of trying and failing to manage my husband's horrendous temper. I have been in denial about the e...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4893956-finding-a-decent-divorce-lawyer

Original poster
peevedpartner · 12/08/2025 22:58

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 12/08/2025 22:52

' I could also not afford to compete with the monetary things he does for the children. Private schools, holidays, expensive gifts, classes, nice house, car, phone etc. '

Do not count on it, as seen on many many threads some fathers become extremely mean towards their children upon divorce.
They lie and they hide their money as they do not want their wives to get a single penny of it - whether it is for or towards the children or not.

How old are the children ? as you mention a car so that means one is 17+

Do you know once they reach the age of 18 he can refuse to pay maintenance for them I believe, so you need a good solicitor - one that gets the financial agreement to include maintenance up to and including both higher and further education.

They're still a few years from 17-18. The car was referencing his.

OP posts:
FortheloveofCheesus · 12/08/2025 22:57

and is able to write a lot of the family expenses off under his business.

No, no he can't do this, or at least not for tax purposes. Expenses cannot be taken for tax purposes unless they are "wholly and exclusively" incurred for the business. Eg it could be ok to allocate a proportion of electricity costs etc because he wfh. But he cannot just bill loads of your family costs to reduce what he has to pay tax on

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 12/08/2025 22:52

' I could also not afford to compete with the monetary things he does for the children. Private schools, holidays, expensive gifts, classes, nice house, car, phone etc. '

Do not count on it, as seen on many many threads some fathers become extremely mean towards their children upon divorce.
They lie and they hide their money as they do not want their wives to get a single penny of it - whether it is for or towards the children or not.

How old are the children ? as you mention a car so that means one is 17+

Do you know once they reach the age of 18 he can refuse to pay maintenance for them I believe, so you need a good solicitor - one that gets the financial agreement to include maintenance up to and including both higher and further education.

Original poster
peevedpartner · 12/08/2025 22:52

ChristmasMiracleBaby · 12/08/2025 22:46

Sounds like he's planning his exit to me op.. Probably already having an affair which is why he's banging on about divorce.
Get your ducks in a row.

I honestly don't think he's having an affair. He rarely leaves the house unless it's with the children. He hates socialising. And he's way too cheap to spend money on a nice meal or a hotel to wine and dine someone else

OP posts:
ChristmasMiracleBaby · 12/08/2025 22:46

Sounds like he's planning his exit to me op.. Probably already having an affair which is why he's banging on about divorce.
Get your ducks in a row.

Notmy1stRodeo · 12/08/2025 22:42

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GoodOldTrayBake · 12/08/2025 22:30

Borrow money from a friend or family member you trust and make an appointment to see a lawyer so you know where you stand if shit were to hit the fan. You don’t need to leave but you do need to know your rights. Never skimp on legal fees - don’t choose some low rent high street law firm - it will only cost you more in the long run. Borrow whatever you can to get the best lawyer you can afford. Get their advice. Then keep it on ice until the time comes.