Not invited to DSis big birthday

Not one of that invited group mentioned to you “ see you Monday” or “where were you ? Very odd and hurtful. Ask her! No point in beating around the bush? Something is strange. Did she like the gift then why weren’t you invited?

And a final thought, if any of them pretend not to get it, and do actually approach you about it, send them a link to this thread.

This sums things up beautifully.

I’d also add on that while you don’t value money in terms of a person’s earnings it sounds like they do. Sad as it is the fact that you chose a vocation v corporate (which they all chose) could just mean they see you as less.

I’d block them all and see how you move forward.

@50FreezeOut1 - I think it may have been mentioned by pp, have you come across the “But we took you to Stately Homes” threads which are long-running on the Relationships boards?You might find them interesting, and even helpful for your situation. This is the most recent one: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5365921-july-2025-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

I think that your sister's friends all told her how much they liked you and how much they enjoyed talking to you and that put her nose out of joint. Your narc mum seems to have managed to raise three children in her own image, only caring about wealth and status while you are the scapegoat because you care about people. You unintentionally show them up for the shallow and superficial people that they are.

You sound absolutely lovely. Them, not so much.

They will love her reaction and feed off the drama for months if not years. Silence and indifference are the only thing that will work - agreed. No reaction whatsoever is the way to go . You are not dealing with normal, reasonable people.

They will a 100% flip this to be op ruining her sister’s ‘special’ birthday, and how can op be so cruel
as to ruin it for her. You will see a perfect, classic example of DAVRO in this scenario. Do not hand this to them. Absolute silence, and do not engage is far more powerful.

She does as she’s dealing with a narc mother and this will absolutely blow up and OP will be dealing with real nasty shit then. Best to just let it be for her own mental wellbeing. It’s not like she will gain anything from this approach other than a torrent of crap.

It’s as I suspected because I saw this dynamic a mile off having dealt with similar with in laws.

PLEASE protect your children from this. Mine genuinely don’t care or even miss the family they don’t see. When they saw them it caused constant upset, why does grandparent like x more, why does x get taken on day trips out and we don’t, why does x get more for their birthday/christmas etc, why is grandparent always using their time with US to bead about what x is doing and their achievements etc. It’s AWFUL and we couldn’t stand to see our children treated as less than. We flipped the dynamic on its head and that grandparent is excluded from our lives as much as possible with minimal contact between my husband and them.

If you can’t do it for you OP, do it for them. And a big hug!

Once you read about the family dynamics your mind will be amazed at how much of it will ring true for you. And let that nasty sister be the one to care for mummy dearest when she gets elderly. Do NOT allow you as the scapegoat child to be treated as the unpaid carer. They have genuinely done you a favor now by releasing you from all responsibility.

Look up strategies for dealing with nasty mother but don’t expose your children to this shit! It will eat at them.

This isn’t real Stop wasting your time

I can relate to this. Not much of a contributor but wanted to tell you how lovely you sound in your posts, but also I felt sad that you are trying to convince yourself of that. You are - but unfortunately we cant choose our families though. Ive learnt this the hard way! You focus on your little family, and leave them to it!

I can't imagine having a family event and excluding one person. No loving family does that.

I haven’t read the whole thread - has anyone mentioned Toxic Parents yet…

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/103999.Toxic_Parents

Reply to the FB post: Looks like a good time with everyone except me. Why wasn't my family and I invited to your birthday, Dsis?
You've got nothing to lose.

This, so beautifully put.

If you can’t do it for you, please do it for your dc or the abusive cycle WILL continue. Please know your dc will grow up thinking this is normal and will continue to have terrible relationships that harm them into the future, as second class citizens in their own family.

Please don’t put them through anymore of this op.

Sorry just wanted to add. I have never raised this with anyone in my family and I never make a fuss or complain. That is what they want. I don’t give them the satisfaction. I just get on with my life and contact them less and less. I realised it was me making all the effort for them and arranging any gifts or meet ups or whatever. So I stopped. Initially my mother complained to me that I hadn’t made a fuss of her on her birthday etc and I just asked her what my siblings did in a non confrontational way, like a genuine nice question. She soon stopped that when she had no answer to what they had done and why it was only me getting the flack for her not being celebrated.

Once I stared pulling away gently and quietly they seem to become more anxious for my time. They seemed to want to be kinder and come to me. I didn’t fall for that and was pleasant and non confrontational but distant. My biggest flex is living my life while they watch me smiling and enjoying myself. When they have all gone through hardships of their own making, I’m here plodding along with my simple pleasures, it’s the best payback. My distance has led to my parents showing signs of guilt I think (or maybe that’s just my imagination), they are besotted with my eldest dc and she is obviously their favourite grandchild. It’s actually embarrassingly obvious and they are always wanting to spend time with her and are so much kinder to her than with anyone else. Maybe it’s another way to try get at me? Who knows. My parents comment on how like me she is all the time. The thing is I’m not stupid or too trusting, so I keep her away from them as much as myself. They made their bed.

I understand op because this has happened to me lots of times. I’m one of 5 and I am more often than not the one excluded. I too don’t believe that it’s because of some negative traits I have or whatever as I get on well with others and my friends seem to enjoy my company. As I have aged I now realise I was the scapegoat as a child and it is very hurtful. I am yet to seek therapy but it is something I want to do at some point. I don’t know why it was me who was scapegoated, perhaps because I’m quite weak in sticking up for myself and won’t cause a fuss. One thing that has helped me over the years when faced with situations of being excluded like you, is imagining them all sat there pleased with themselves thinking I’m upset and questioning what I have done wrong. When actually I’m happy at home and well aware of what’s going on. I like to think about them sat there all smug, which is ridiculous when I’m just here getting on with living my life. It’s pathetic of them really lol
It also helps that my dh now jokingly makes comments about me being the black sheep, it’s all done in good fun and kindness and we have a laugh about it.

Read up on Narc family dynamics - it will all be very clear and its all very simple once you know the process. It is also very easy to predict their next move and there is only ever one way through - thats grey rock fading to NC.

The want to exclude you for some events but they want ensure you see / know about it so they involve you again just to get pleasure from seeing and hearing your hurt and humiliation. They are like a cat playing with a mouse. Your exclusion is not merely indifference - its to get a kick out of goading you - they want to to see you squirm and suffer. Dont give them that. Dont give any indication you know about the event (wait for them to mention it - because they will - they wont be able to help themselves). The need to see your upset - its their fuel for their toxic family. They want you in conflict to claim you are stroppy, unreasonable, etc - dont show them any of that. Dont flounce - dont hand them the bullets to shoot you with. Fade out - grey rock is making yourself so boring they forget about you - put them on an information diet.

When this happened in my family - I stepped right back and was unavailable to them - not in a flounce/sulky way - just a 'sorry have other plans - what a shame' etc.

Wjat I observed from a distance is they then left me alone but had to start scapegoating another sibling. It was amusing to watch (from a distance) and when that exluded sibling came to me looking for support - I was indifferent and unavailable. I have recently watched another family from the inside scaprgoating one of their sisters - I have seen and overheard the whispers, gossip, eyerolls and bitching behind her back when she leaves the room, before she arrives etc I i jsut thought I never want to be that person - who goes along to 'keep the peace' but is inadvertly providing material for them to mock.

Your DF is not a nice man - he has thrown you under the bus all your life - not even for your DM but for is own comfort. Think of that. I would respect him less - in someways as your DM may well have a PD and no insight (consider her a scorpion or a hyena) - thats her core nature - but your DF (assume 'normal') knows exactly what she is and hasnt ever protected you. Your aunt sounds reasonable and I bet has lots to say if you open up to her and trust her.

So my advice - read up on narc families, dont waste your headspace fighting back, dont flounce or sulk - indifference is the goal.

Detach. Distance. Dignity. Slowly fade them from your life via grey rock. Actively fill your life up and get bust with nice people. Get prof support to see you though this. Sorry this has happened - its shocking - but take yourself and your DCs away from their bitterness and emotional abuse.

Omg don’t subject your children to it anymore. Leave that family WhatsApp group, you’ll feel so free!

You know what? I don’t think you’re the one who needs the therapy… Keep on being yourself. You sound fab. Let them eat themselves alive, but realign your priorities to more of an observer and keep your emotional investment closer to home.

Definitely a nasty narc mother and a weak spined father too who doesn’t address his youngest child being so rudely excluded.

So sorry!! Definitely do some counselling and get some books on being the daughter of a narc mother and do some googling. It will really be eye opening and free you from a lot of your feelings because it really is about THEM!

Focus on your DH and kids and your lovely DA. I actually wouldn’t see you mother this summer. If you do keep it very very narc focused (google how to do this) and keep her at arms length. I genuinely wouldn’t see her tho because trust me nothing is worse than seeing your own children treated worse than other grandchildren because one of the grandparents is a narc. It took that for my husband to finally wake up to his family treating him as less than. We won’t tolerate it for our kids. Please be mindful of this as it can be sneaky x

I e gone no contact with my mum and would with a sister but she technically hasn’t wronged me but after fighting for her affection for what seems all my life I’ve cut her off. So much less drama. Just because they are family doesn’t mean you have to like them. Definitely look into therapy, I’ve recently started due to a whole different situation but we are working on my issues with her

So, with the exception of your dad, they're not your type of people, they're just your family. And - let's be honest - with the exception of your dad, they don't like you, don't value you as a person and have no time for you. And you've already said you have nothing in common with them, and don't seem to like them or spending time with them, and don't share their values.

Do them and yourself a favour and let them go. Just see the ones you like.

Typo edits

In our family there are basically 8 core close family members, and we have lots of different beliefs and values, some of them quite at opposition to one another.

But for the most part, with a few minor squabbles, we agree to disagree and we buy one another gifts and include one another in celebrations, because we are not malicious, vindictive, small minded or cruel and actually care about one another.

People do tell you who they are all the time, the hardest part sometimes is believing them.

Also @50FreezeOut1 you are 💯 allowed to be different. You don’t have to fit in with the family and you don’t owe it to them to do so.

Be true to yourself. Live your life by your own values. You sound like an amazing person. Don’t let anyone convince you you aren’t or that you are in any way less than. If people you don’t like and whose opinions you don’t respect, don’t value you, don’t internalise that just because you are related to them. You are allowed to think them fools and not to care!