How often does your DIL visit/you visit your in laws?

I'm a daughter in law and I never visit. I've never had a conversation with my mother in law because she would leave the room if I was there, I don't have the patience for her particular brand of twattery so I stay away.

There's at least 2 others as well

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5289162-should-both-sets-of-parents-be-treated-the-same-on-mothers-day

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5332739-would-this-upset-you-mother-of-groom?postsby=Weddingspeechsad

So I am a DIL.

I think it is inconvenient if you are asking to be picked up and driven around - half hour away for pick up and drop off becomes 2 hours driving just to have you over. Try not to ask for lifts from them as well, as that is quite a burden.

She might not enjoy your company (don’t take this personally) as we don’t click with everyone we are related to.

I would suggest that you make dinner and invite your children and in laws all over, so they can chat with other family members too.

Please link the other posts?!

I hardly ever see my MIL. Her second husband didn’t like us visiting or for her to visit us so I saw her very rarely for the first 25 years and consequently have never had any real relationship with her. She’s now in a nursing home with multiple health issues including dementia and I’m juggling small kids, a full time job, voluntary work and elderly parents of my own so I have very little time free and DH mostly visits her alone. She’s invited here every 2-3 of weeks, sometimes I’m here for her visits but I’m often at work/ away.

I just dont understand why you keep starting these threads every few days, you clearly dont like your DiL, blame her for everything and this thread is just another excuse for a dig. You've treated her poorly in the past, maybe she's now taking her cues from you...and I don't blame her

I remember the previous thread and here you are back again still overly invested in their lives and blaming your DIL for everything. In the hope you might read and take in some of the advice given, here's my tuppence worth:

You need to reduce your involvement in their lives and lower your expectations of what is normal/reasonable.

A weekly phone call & one or 2 visitis a month = perfectly reasonable.

A weekly visit on top of multiple calls & Whatsapp a week = suffocating.

Having a weekly in person meeting is a just too much. They work FT, presumably have a social life, also will want some time alone as a couple plus her family commitments. Once of twice a month more usual IME

Mil is abroad but we video call once a week. I see my parents once a week.

My sils will usually visit my parents (just dad now) weeklyish (the older one doesn’t always come when her kids or my brother does). They both had an amazing relationship with mum when she was alive & would call her daily just for a chat . Mum like my mil preferred calls to visits so it was lower pressure & mum often cooked meals for sil that my db could just pick up. They were never formally invited for lunch but mum could say dinner’s ready if you want to have it here or pick it up. Mum also paid for all trips out.

Try inviting them to the pub locally one day and see what they say. You do need to talk to your son and daughter in law seperately too, not just as a ‘unit’. If individual relationships aren’t solid then they want bother as a couple.

Also - why does anyone have to book a restaurant FOR YOU? Book it yourself @AnotherSadMIL

You come across as a difficult, self centred and whiney MIL on your other threads

Hence posters think YOU are being difficult etc on this thread

No matter who is at fault YOU want a relationship with DIL therefore YOU are going to have to put in the effort and work to build up a relationship with her

Otherwise they'll have kids and you'll be starting a thread on MN telling us that you can't see your grandchildren

THIS IS YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO BUILD BRIDGES WITH DIL

Don't mess it up

I absolutely hate my in laws and refuse to see them, my DP takes the kids to them himself.
My DP and my mum get on incredibly well and he will always come with me and the kids to see her.

I see my MIL once a week, we get on really well & I look forward to seeing her.
I am very lucky that my mum also has a great relationship ship with MIL & they even go on holiday together each year.
My mum however has been completely cut off by her DIL. DIL hates my mum & can’t give any good reason as to why, other than they just are very different people. It makes my mum very sad.

My mil doesn't particularly like me. I think she blames me for making her son move further away from home (he was already 2hrs but used to see them more regularly before he met me). But maybe she just doesn't like who I am.

I am the one who sends him down with the kids at least once or twice a year in school holidays whilst I'm at work.

I've insisted that he contacts her to see if she fancies lunch when we've been on holiday in the area (we'd already stopped on the way down) and I was rewarded with lots of PA bitchy digs. She's fine with everyone else though.
Last time she came up she actually blanked me if I spoke if DH and kids weren't present.

100% agree. DIL does not owe OP any sort of relationship. DIL does not want a relationship. If OP wants anything to do with her then it has to be on DIL's terms. OP can moan about that all she wants, but that's how it is. DIL does not owe her anything.

You won't be able to really make ground with her if your son is there too. Don't invite him. What you need to do is build a relationship with DIL. You've already got a relationship with your son

She's been very clear that she doesn't want a close relationship with you. You on the other hand would like her and The Baby of The Family to go round for tea once a week, and come and collect you and take you to her house for visits.

That's two sets of expectations that are quite wide apart. I think that you need to accept that she doesn't like you, and let her not like you. It might be due to the "misunderstanding" over money prior to the wedding, it might be a more general personality clash. The reason isn't important, but you need to accept it because that's the only way through this peacefully.

My sons visit with the grandchildren. Often my DILs use the break to do washing, tidy up mess at weekends etc. I've been in their shoes, you can get a lot done when husband takes the kids off for a walk then visit grand parents.

I'm glad my sons do take responsibility for their children, it's not just mums job.

I do also see my DILs , they're not avoiding us 🤣

OMG - if its the prior threads I'm thinking of then of course your DIL doesn't like you. It's not about the wedding, its about the overbearing level of contact you seem to expect from your son. I have very small children and I do get that it must be hard to go from being their everything to occasional contact - but that is part of the role - you need to have a full enough life to not be emotionally dependent on your child who is trying to live his own life.

DH and I don’t really see parents much despite them living nearby.

My parents live about 2 miles away and my DH would never visit them without me. He wouldn’t even know their phone number.

In 20 years I don’t think I’ve ever visited MIL without DH and even then it’s only very occasionally. We don’t have anything like big extended family get togethers.

Our social life very much centres around friends not family.

OP I think you would get on amazingly well with my MIL. If you can send me your DILs number as we’d have loads in common!

There was a huge bust up on DH’s side just before the wedding as I dropped the bombshell that I would only be visiting once a month or so (as that’s how much I see my own family).

It was like I had called their granny a cunt and kicked their dog. They were willing to compromise that if it was for example my mum’s birthday I wouldn’t have to go to theirs for Sunday lunch. In an ideal world I would see PIL during the week to do a ‘fun’ activity then Sunday lunch.

MIL also kicked off that she wasn’t invited dress shopping. The funniest thing was is that she shot herself in the foot as she pulled the biggest face when I said the appointment was in London and she said ‘why don’t you do it in insert their town ’ Umm why would I make my mum and sisters travel two hours in the opposite direction just for her convenience. I wanted to make special memories when my mum and sisters. We rarely all get together and mum wanted to give me the same experience she had got from her mum. Having MIL being the centre of attention was not the vibe at all (she still messaged me during my appointment with her negativity…)

Anyway, cut a long story short, I snapped and decided that I had enough for her demands. I’ve not seen her for two years. When I had my daughter I’d sit upstairs while she’d visited. She’s completely blocked from my social media and I hope to never set eyes on her again.

This!

My mil pops up probably every other day, we both WFH so she often nips in for a coffee. she grabs the kids ad hoc and if my husbands about shel say hi but she’s not that arsed about him 🤣 she’s my little pal and we have drinks/go out and do spa days. I love her , and I see / get on with her much more than my own mother. She’s a diamond. Albeit slightly nuts but we’re super close

She may just have her own busy life - marrying your son doesn't mean she has to be super close to you and seeing someone weekly in my neck of the woods is pretty unheard of (relations or friends).

I rarely go - just occasions. I see it as them spending time together and I change the dynamic.