Aibu to be upset about the decision my parent has made?

YANBU OP

You have been disinherited by your parent. That is incredibly hurtful for anyone.

If you try to explain to your parent and sibling how hurtful it is, almost certainly you will be accused of being money grabbing - despite the fact that it’s your sibling who has secretly arranged for themselves to get the money!

That money belonged to your deceased parent too, and I doubt they would have wanted some of their children to be disinherited.

It’s a really tough situation, my mum had something similar happen with her mum and it ruined their relationship and tainted all of her memories with her mum. Look after yourself and don’t feel guilty for feeling upset about the situation.

who is taking care of the (presumably) elderly parent now and who is expected to do the lion share of lifting if the patent needs a lot of help? I assume it won't be you or the other 2 siblings who aren't local but this commitment will fall into the lap of the sibling who moved in? if so, I would say it's fair and square.

Don't blame your parent. Your sibling is conniving and underhand.

Living with, and caring for, an aged parent is likely to be tough - even if there is a granny annex involved.
If you are long distance, it sounds as if you're not really up for that.

Im trying to tell myself that the remaining parent just wanted stability, and not that it is a reflection on how they feel about me or my other siblings.

YANBU. Your parent has effectively disinherited you.

Could you talk to them about this? Not about the money/property as such, but about what it suggests symbolically, in terns of thoughtfulness or regard for you. They may simply not have thought this through, in the wake of bereavement, grief, and an understandable desire for security & care.

You might be interested in this thread:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5343860-my-childrens-unequal-futures

Many people are criticising the OP of that thread for thinking about doing something very similar to what you're experiencing.

But your parent is being really unfair in a very basic way.

Your parents is probably feeling vulnerable as they age and doing what is best for them. I'd be thrilled of one of my siblings was doing this so I didn't have to worry about my elderly parent being on their own. Would you be wiling to look after them as they age? Fair enough if you're uneasy if you don't trust your sibling.

I’m sorry some of these comments are so awful. I would feel the same. I’m also worried about the solicitor who signed off on all of this.

Would you have liked to live with your parent and provide care?

I can completely understand your upset and concern about the lack of open conversation and discussion about this. I'd be worried that the parent has left themselves financially vulnerable, especially if they require carers or residential care in the future.

The only advantage, that I can see, and it's bitter-sweet, is that you have no responsibility if and when it all goes horribly wrong. It does look very messy - legally and financially.

It would have made much more sense surely for your parent to sell their house and buy something much smaller in good repair?

This is a very, very big move to have made without discussing it with you, if you are normally in regular contact. It's the sort of thing that one would naturally talk about, so the fact that they didn't, make would make me sense that it was underhand.

The person that says that your parent didn't need to tell you is just barking mad, because of course if we're going to make massive changes to living arrangements, it is normal to tell the people we're close to about it and discuss the in's and outs and options in the run up. It's part of how we make good decisions

You have every right to be upset, we have recently had this in our family.

One parent died and the other one sold the house and used the whole amount to do a big extention (not granny flat, just bigger rooms, kitchen etc) on one daughters house and moved in.
The other daughter was understandably left feeling hurt and upset, they didn't seem to particularly favour one over the other until that point.

My own father was downsizing and sold his house to my sister because she kept saying how much she loved it and didn't want to be without it. He sold her it for only 50k, one year later she sold for a big profit which was a bit of a slap for me and probably him but its his decision. Just concentrate on your own family and don't expect anything from anyone x

So, your sister or brother in law has been added to the mortgage, not your actual sibling? What happens if they split? Does that person have a claim on the house? Messy. And sorry to say, deceitful. You’ll hear all sorts of advice OP but I pride myself on a strong moral compass (!!) and this is just off. All nicely tied up before anyone else could object??? I’d be fuming. Functional families discuss this kind of thing first.

Same, absolutely, but I'd be upset if everything happened before I knew about it. When my mum was in hospital and my DB went to look after her and she decided very suddenly to downsize (obviously completely her decision /choice) he kept me in the loop. I wouldn't have put the kybosh on anything, she knows her own mind, but I was grateful that I knew what was going on. I'd have been upset if everything happened before I knew anything.

Your remaining parent is a prize idiot.

She’s given the family home to her DD’s boyfriend.

And disinherited you.

In secret. You don’t say.

Nice.

YANBU. The first thing I’d do is make it very clear there’s no support coming when BF scarpers with the house. And tell her how hurt and shocked you and your family are.

Do you actually know that this arrangement will affect your future inheritance? It might be written in the will that after the parent’s death, the house is sold and proceeds split equally?

It sounds like your sibling and their partner have taken on a mortgage for this house - and they could be caring for your mum for 20+ years so I wouldn't envy them just yet.

You also said your siblings partner was added to the mortgage. Perhaps your mum still owns half for example and plans to leave that in her will - possibly to all her children. Dont forget your sister and her partner should rightly own the chunk of property that they are paying a mortgage for. I wonder if your mum is paying rent or anything towards the mortgage.

I get it OP. I think it's the lack of inclusion perhaps making you feel less valued rather than the money.

What's your relationship like with your siblings generally? And then in particular, this one that's moved the family into DM's home? Perhaps the family dynamics there are also bringing out emotions.

What do your other siblings think about this? Will your sibling and their partner be paying the mortgage? You say that it's the partner that has been added to the mortgage. Does that mean that the house wasn't paid off on the death of your other parent so there was still an existing mortgage to be paid as well as the additional money for the granny flat?

You can check who owns a property at the land registry website.

they can run months behind however.

https://www.gov.uk/government/organisations/land-registry

The sibling in question is the only one who lives less than 2 hours from parent- they are also now going to be living with parent. If you want things fair & equal that doesn’t just mean money after death!

If I lived hours from my parent and my sister chose to essentially live with my parent as they aged I would absolutely expect them to receive more than I did of whatever was left.

My remaining parent was also anxious about having enough money to keep the house running.

i think it’s a common worry.

people where you have this sort of multigenerational living have told me there can be all kinds of issues.

Unless the granny flat is very big (and even if it is) your parent is likely to rely on your sibling and their family heavily for company and socialisation. This has a big impact on their family relationships.

as your parent becomes older and frailer they will expect your sibling and their family to pick up suppprting them. This can be a very onerous burden.

in addition, should your parent need care, the house is presumably still at least partially hers. If she has to go into a nursing home they may have to sell to fund her care.

it’s quite rare that this sort of thing happens and all parties have really thought through what is involved. I can completely see why you are thrown, especially if this has happened suddenly.

Maybe worth just checking with all sides that they have thought this through?